


Permanent Smile

by undertalefa



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: And the chapters also get better as the story continues, Child Abuse, Cinnamon Roll Papyrus, Depressed Sans, Depression, F/F, Fatalism, First work so don't judge that hard, HP is HoPe, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Insomnia, Nightmares, Nihilism, Other Additional Tags to Be Added ?, POV Sans, POV Second Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sad Sans, Sans Needs A Hug, Sans Remembers Resets, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Suicide Attempt, at least i hope so, but it gets better from there, chapters will get longer as the story progresses, naive papyrus, science sans, the first couple chapters suck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:59:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 58
Words: 93,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undertalefa/pseuds/undertalefa
Summary: All the monsters live happily on the surface after Frisk freed them. Well almost everyone is happy...As someone who has lived through their fair share of RESETS, Sans finds it hard to accept that this time is the last time. Especially since Frisk has promised "No more RESETS" before. This combined with Sans' mysterious past leads to Sans keeping his permanent smile up so no one worries. But what happens when his façade breaks...





	1. Opposites

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is my first Fanfic, like ever, and I want to know if you guys like it, so comments are appreciated! Im not exactly sure where i want to go with this, but the story will probably have a decent number of chapters, and will hopefully end on a happy note. I'm not the best with updates and schedules and stuff, but i'll try to update once a week, and i'm super sorry if I don't post on time. That being said, here is the first chapter of "Permanent Smile".

It was a beautiful day outside. Frisk had helped free the monsters from their underground prison. With pure determination they managed to make their way through and break the barrier. Everyone was ecstatic! Well almost everyone…

After reaching the surface you, Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Asgore, and Frisk decided to share a house on the edge of the mountain. Asgore had been in contact with the government of the nearest town, and they offered to let us use this empty neighborhood that was just built for the time being. Since there weren’t enough houses for all the families of the underground, many families shared until further arrangements would be made. Hence you all sharing the one house.

It wasn’t that bad though. The house had four bedrooms and one bathroom, so you and Papyrus bunked in one room, Alphys and Undyne bunked in another, Toriel and Frisk shared a room, and Asgore got his own. Everyone is happy.

Except you

It was only the end of the “first week on the surface” and you were already prepared for it being taken away again. Even if this time Frisk said they wouldn’t reset. Because you’ve had that said to you more then once, and look at you now. It’s the god knows what time you’ve been up on the surface, and you’re losing hope for ever having a future at all.

Nope scratch that. You already lost the hope for having a future. You lost hope a long time ago. Look at your HoPe.

1

You doubt it’ll ever get higher. Of course, HoPe is a combination of physical stats and actual hope, but there’s no point in training to get it up. It’ll just reset again, right? No progress that you’ve made will be retained.

Papyrus’s snores awake you from your trance. Frisk couldn’t believe it but Papyrus actually does sleep.

You check the alarm clock next to your bed.

1:34 AM

Another sleepless night.

You look up at the deep navy blue ceiling of you room. It looks completely black because of the lighting. Dark. So dark. Like it can suck you into the darkness. Not that that would matter. Not that anything matters. Dark, Darker, Yet Darker…

You open your eyes. (They were closed?) You see the shimmering gold of the last corridor. You have an iron taste in your mouth. You look down at your now shredded blue hoodie. Well, actually it’s half red half blue. The red more of a crimson now that you notice. Why does that matter though? (Why does any of this matter?) The crimson creeps up in tendrils around your arms. It’s not a liquid anymore, it is a solid substance that wraps itself tighter, and tighter, and tigh-

You jolt upwards with a start. Your shirt it soaked with sweat, and you rip your blanket off you. It takes a while to register where you are, and you look at your navy blue ceiling. That’s good. You think about the pale cream ceiling of your house in the underground and think of how many times you were all too disappointed to see it.

You look down from the ceiling and train your eye lights on the glowing red numbers on your alarm clock.

3:22

The color pulses with each second, and it reminds you all too much of the soul you broke over and over, only to have it come back with renewed strength. You sharply turn away, and decide to turn on your side and look at the wall. You’re not going to be able to fall asleep again. Just like the other nights you’ve spent on the surface.

It’s 5:30 when Papyrus’s alarm goes off. He’s always the first one in the house to get up. He always cooks everyone breakfast, occasionally with Undyne, if she’s up early enough. Papyrus is the best. Complete opposite of you though. He’s opptimisstic, energetic, and happy. Yup, opposites.

You close your eyes, so if Papyrus sees you, he’ll think your sleeping. Hey, you do have a lazy façade to maintain. You don’t want to worry Papyrus. You did that the first time Papyrus was killed. You don’t like seeing Papyrus worried. You found that out.

Papyrus (tries) to make his way quietly down the stairs, but it’s Papyrus. He’s not really quiet about anything. Another thing you love about him.  
You open your eyes again and stare blankly at the wall. It’s nice. Maybe you’ll stay here all day, why not? It beats doing things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. You stare at the wall and feel numb.

You haven’t registered how much time has passed, but since it sounds like everyone’s downstairs at the kitchen, you’re guessing it’s around 9:00. That’s the time everyone has breakfast around. You’re not hungry right now though.

You hear Papyrus bounding up the stairs. Oh yeah, he has to get you “up” for breakfast. You really don’t feel like interacting with everyone right now, and pretending that everything is fine and dandy. You’re tired and don’t know if you can keep that up for all of breakfast.

Papyrus comes into the room and yells at you. (well not really yells, it’s just his normal voice is as loud as a regular person’s shouting voice.)

“SANS YOU LAZY BONES IT’S TIME TO GET UP! FOR I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAVE PREPARED AN EXCELENT DISH OF PANCAKES.”

You look over at him and smile a smile which is almost genuine.

“sorry paps, m’ still tired and not really hungry right now. i’ll come down later and have some pancakes.”

“SIGH… SANS YOU CAN BE SO LAZY SOMETIMES YOU KNOW?”

You really hope he doesn’t notice the bags under your eye sockets, that attest for how little sleep you actually got.

“BUT FINE, YOU CAN COME DOWN LATER AND GET SOME DELICIOUS PANCAKES PREPARED BY ME, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS! NYEH HEH HEH!”

“you batter believe i will.”

You wink at Papyrus and it takes him a few seconds to get it but when he does…  
“UGHHHHHHHHH SANS YOUR PUNS ARE INSUFFERABLE. I’M GOING DOWNSTAIRS”

Your smile is now completely real, because it’s Papyrus, and he’s one of the only things you keep going for. For now however, Papyrus is back downstairs and you’re back to staring at the wall. You’re really not planning on going down later and getting breakfast. You don’t feel like doing anything at all. Afterall,

There’s no point, right?


	2. Tallies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support and kudos! I actually managed to get this chapter out in time so i hope you like it. Feel free to leave suggestions. I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

You lay in your bed for what is probably hours. Eye sockets blank, staring at the same ceiling, drifting in and out of consciousness. You don't know how much time has passed, and frankly, you don't care either. It's only when you hear Toriel call everyone for dinner that you realize how long you've actually been laying here.

Yup. you being your usual pathetic self.

"SANS YOU'VE BEEN UP IN YOUR ROOM ALL DAY. PLEASE COME DOWN TO DINNER."

You pretend you’re still sleeping, and just don't respond, but then the door to your bedroom swings open and "SANS WAKE UP OR I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CARRY YOU DOWNSTAIRS."

Welp. looks like there's no way you're getting out of this one. Even though you're still not hungry, and there's no point in even eating because the timeline will probably RESET tomorrow or something...

Papyrus literally scoops you out of bed and places you under his arm.

"uhhh. paps i'm up."

"WELL YOU'RE COMING DOWNSTAIRS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. NYEH HEH HEH!"  
  
Papyrus bounds down the stairs with you in tow, and springs into the dining room shouting "I HAVE RETRIEVED SANS!"

You manage to give everyone a little wave, while you're still under Papyrus' arm. He puts you down in your chair and everyone looks up and smiles at you for a moment (except Undyne) then goes back to conversing. They talk about life on the surface, and what they plan to do, and Frisk tells some facts that they might need. Everyone seems so happy. You probably join the conversation, but seeing how happy everyone looks, knowing that this will be ripped away from them in a matter of days...

"Sans" Toriel chides, "You've been awfully quiet lately, are you feeling alright?"

You regret not chumming in on the conversation because people realized it's not like you. Well not like your façade.

"yeah tori i'm fine. just bone tired."

Puns are good. No one thinks you're questioning the point of living in a repeating loop if you're telling puns. Plus, that statement wasn't even a lie. You are tired. But you can't sleep without nightmares plaguing your dreams.

"Oh all right you lazybones."

You laugh but you're heart is not really in it. Heh. You should save that one for later. Anyways you hope no one realizes the fake laugh and smile you have on, or the bags under your eye sockets that testify how little sleep you actually had. You now try to join in a little conversation before dinner ends, and you listen to how excited everyone is on the surface. What they plan on doing. Thanking Frisk over and over for freeing them.

You can't take it anymore. It's just so UNFAIR that they'll have this taken away from them, only for them to have no memory that it happened. You wouldn't care if it was just you stuck in a repeating loop, but seeing Papyrus and everyone else killed, or just taken away from their happy life on the surface...

Thankfully dinner ends sooner then later, and you retreat back to your room. Without looking, you roll up the sleeve of your signature hoodie, and trace your fingers along your arm. Your feel the uneven bone, grooves in your arms representing tallies. Tallies for the days on the surface. Sure, it seems kinda crazy to mark yourself to prove how long you've been on the surface, but it keeps you sane. The pain of digging into your arm reminds you that this ISN'T a dream, and you are alive. The marks you can feel, and know that your still on the surface, and that the kid hasn't RESET. Yet. The marks disappear as soon as the world RESETS.

You still know that you're crazy for doing this. You shouldn't be doing this. You should probably get help because you're doing this. But it'll probably RESET before you can ask, or get the help you need. But even if you do, it'll eventually RESET again, and all your progress will be pointless, Pointless, POINTLESS. Nothing you did will matter if it's all taken away from you in a matter of seconds.

Do you do this instead. You have a nail that you dig into your bone to tally the days. Perfectly normal.

You check to make sure Papyrus or anyone is out or in a different room (which they are, fortunately), and you go and grab your nail.

HP: 1

You start and drag the nail across your bone, hard so it makes the mark. And you think to yourself, "this is to remember".

HP: 0.5

You finish and you slightly drained (who wouldn't be if half their health is gone), but you again run your fingers over the marks, and count them. And you know you shouldn't have done this, and imagine Papyrus found out, and your a piece of trash, and you can't even save Papyrus, and can't even stop the world from resetting, and you have to remember how much of a failure you are, and how you wasted your life, and...

The list goes on and on, and you simply lay in your bed with negative thoughts overwhelming your head and eventually you just stop thinking about it. Because it doesn't matter.

You can't help it anymore, but your so, so, tired. You have to go to sleep, even if your sleep is plagued with nightmares. But you can't help it because you're so exhausted and you slowly drift off and...

You wake up in what seems like a lab. It seems familiar, with a nostalgic feeling about it. However, you know something's wrong. The atmosphere seems off, and you know today's the day that it happens. What "it" is, you have no idea. It's something's that pulls on the back of your mind, something you should know, but have inexplicably forgotten anyways.

You hear the sound of something sloshing around behind you, so you turn and see this big machine, that also seems vaguely familiar...

But now you notice what's inside the machine. It a mass of gooey looking black. Blacker then the blackest black you've ever seen.

But then, what seems to be a face slowly makes its way out of the black goo. This face also has that nagging nostalgic feeling of something gone wrong. You look at this face and see two vertical cracks, one running up from what seems to be a closed eye socket, and the other running down from the other closed eye.

As your examining this thing, it's eyes shoot open, and the darkness within them keeps growing and growing, and overwhelming you until you can't breath, and then...

You shoot up from your bed, and try to grasp where you are. It's dark, not like the dark in your dream, but still so you can't see. You roll up the sleeve of your arm reflexively, and make sure you still have those tallies. You do.

As you regain your bearings, You realize you still here some people downstairs, and know that the time is soon after you went up to your room. You didn't get much sleep. Regardless of that,

There's no way you're going back to sleep.

 

 

 

 


	3. Erased

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Really sorry about this chapter and how short it is. Since it was the holidays and I was really busy, this was really a rush job and i'm really sorry about that. However, I wanted to have something to tide you over until next year. Starting soon, the chapters will probably be longer, and the story will start to develop. Anyways, just wanted to explain why this chapter isn't exactly up to par, and I hope to start making better chapters soon! I would also like to thank everyone so much for all the Kudos and comments! Thanks for all your support! :)

It's morning. You can only tell by the telltale sound of Papyrus' alarm going off. You didn't sleep at all last night, except the short time when you had your nightmare. You're probably tired, and look it, but you really can't seem to care.

Papyrus rolls out of bed and sees you staring up at the ceiling. Whoops. You were to focused pitying yourself as the pathetic waste you are. Now Papyrus knows you weren't sleeping.

"UMMM SANS..." Papyrus says in as soft a voice as he could muster, so the others don't wake up. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?"

What to say, What to say...

"uhhh...."

Despite how good a liar you usually are, your brain was too shot to think of anything reasonable. Damn.

"AND WHY DO YOU LOOK SO TIRED? DID YOU EVEN SLEEP AT ALL LAST NIGHT?"

Papyrus looks at you with a worried expression, and you hate that because you caused it. Papyrus shouldn't be worried. Let alone worried because of you. God you messed up.

"yeah of course i slept. c'mon you know i'm too lazy to ever stay up all night."

Lies, lies, lies.

You try to give Papyrus a convincing smile, but your not sure if he buys it. He still has that worried look on his face that you caused, and it doesn't seem to be going away.

"SANS ARE YOU OKAY? YOU'VE BEEN ACTING STRANGE EVER SINCE WE GOT TO THE SURFACE."

"yeah m'fine."

You subconsciously grab your arm with the tallies. Thankfully Papyrus doesn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

"OKAY, IF YOU SAY SO. I'M GOING TO GO MAKE BREAKFAST."

Papyrus still looks a bit worried, no wonder why, you can't even lie right, so you add in a pun for extra measure.

"i hope it's eggcelent bro."

"I'M LEAVING." Papyrus states in a seemingly very annoyed voice.

He quietly not so quietly makes his way downstairs, and you can hear the clanging of pots and pans as he starts to make breakfast.

Now, because of your inability to do anything right, Papyrus probably suspects your hiding something. He's probably going to talk with you later. And then you're going to have to lie again like the piece of garbage you are. You can't even tell the truth to your own brother. How low can you stoop?

Your hand still hasn't left your arm, and you grip it tighter, digging into the marks you made. Especially the new one which is still raw from yesterday. You probably should be feeling pain right now, but it's numb. Everything about you is numb now though. Except for the burning feeling of self hatred coursing through your body. You made Papyrus worry. Papyrus should never be worried. Does it really matter though? Won't this be gone soon? Taken away because of the whims of a kid?

A kid that you couldn't stop. A kid that you couldn't protect anyone from. You, the only person who remembers, with the only chance of actually stopping the resets, managed nothing. You failed at the one thing that you could possibly help with. You're a failure. And now you're stuck with the constant memories of your failure.

Failure. That's definitely what you are. Even before Frisk. Even before that damn flower. You've just caused pain and death. How many times have you killed? How many times have you caused the death of someone? Too many. Even excluding RESETS.

It seems as if all you can do is mess things up. You just make everyone's life harder then they should be. Maybe it would be better if you were erased from memories like him. Maybe you should be in his shoes. You are the one sole purpose he ended up in that hell hole called the void.

If everyone forgot about you... Well, their lives would probably be easier right? Papyrus wouldn't have his lazy brother dragging him down and failing to protect him. You probably wouldn't annoy everyone as much and make their lives worse. Nobody would miss you because you wouldn't even be a memory.

Unfortunately, you can't recreate that scenario in which you would be erased from time itself. So you're stuck here. Until the next RESET.

Yup. Today's gonna be a bad day.


	4. Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what's great? When your computer freezes in the middle of writing a chapter, and you have to force shut it down. And then, when you turn it back on, everything you wrote is gone! Because that's what happened to me! Anyways, sorry about that little rant right there, it's just kind of frustrating loosing your work in the middle of writing it. This chapter is a bit longer then the rest, and I hope for future chapters to be longer. Sorry about not posting last week, it was New Years, and I didn't really have time to do anything so... But here's this chapter. I was originally going to post it on Sunday, but I couldn't wait so here it is! By the way, thank you everyone for the Kudos. We reached 81! And also thank you to the people who commented! Comments are always appreciated! Okay, I think i've said enough so here's chapter 4.

Should you get up? Yeah. Probably. It’ll show everyone you’re “alright”. But you really don’t feel like going downstairs.

You’ll wait for everyone else to go down first though. Right now you hear the clang of pots and pans being taken out downstairs by Papyrus. It’s relatively quiet, so you assume Undyne is not downstairs helping him, or anyone else for that manner. 

You wait, lying at your bed and staring at nothing until you gradually hear everyone getting up and heading downstairs. You’re about to get up and go, until you realize you haven’t slept in like, forever, and probably don’t look so good.

You decide to go to the bathroom first. You get up and walk out the room, quietly closing the door behind you, making sure nobody hears. You slip into the bathroom and look around. It’s a pretty small room with one bathtub/shower, and a toilet. The toilet thing is apparently a necessary thing for humans? You don’t know. But apparently Frisk needs it.

You walk up to the sink and look at the mirror above it. Wow. You REALLY don’t look that great. The bags under your eye sockets are large and dark. You look like you haven’t slept at all. Which is true, but nobody else can know that it is.

You turn the sink on, and splash the water on your face to wake yourself up. It’s a little better but your still pretty tired. Eh. It’ll have to do.

You turn your head up and look at the mirror again. You make sure to force the corners of your smile up a little higher.

You make your way downstairs and walk into the kitchen. Papyrus is still making last minute touches to breakfast, Toriel is chatting with Frisk about school or something, and Undyne, Alphys, and Asgore are talking about somthign you can’t make out. They all look happy.

You stand in the doorway until Toriel notices you.

“Oh! Good morning Sans!”

“g’mornin tori.”

You sit at the empty seat next to Alphys and Toriel.

“How did you sleep?”

“oh, you know me. master of sleep. I can even do it with my eyes closed.”

Papyrus glances over at you for a second before going back to breakfast. Toriel giggles and your joke, and your smile becomes a little more relaxed and real.

You make idle chat until- “BREAKFAST IS READY!”

Papyrus goes around the table, and hands out plates of eggs, bacon, and toast. Your bro really is the coolest. The breakfast looks amazing… but you really don’t feel like eating it.

After all the plates are out, Papyrus asks what everyone wants to drink. You say coffee. Coffee is most definitely a good idea. Maybe it’ll wake you up some more. 

Papyrus goes back and makes everyone’s drinks. He’s the best. So hardworking and happy. Probably will do great on the surface if it isn’t RESET soon. You’ll probably just hold him back. He doesn’t really need you right? You’re more of a nuisance than anything. Papyrus might be better off without you. Nobody to hold him back. Maybe it’s best if you’re not here anymore.

You’re drawn out of your depressing thoughts thankfully, when Papyrus comes back with everyone’s drink. He reaches over to hand you your coffee, and you reach out to grab it. Unbeknown to you, the sleeve of your jacket hitches up and reveals your arm for a split second. But a second is all it takes for someone to notice.

You take the coffee, and immediately sip it, waiting for the caffeine rush that’ll probably keep you from passing out in the middle of the day. Everyone’s started on breakfast now, but you still can’t bring yourself to eat something. You’re just not hungry. Even if you do eat, it’s a waste of food and energy that you don’t need. Because you do absolutely nothing. What a pathetic waste you are. Papyrus doesn’t deserve to be burdened by you. Heck, no one here deserves to be burdened by you.

You idly push around the food on your plate with a fork. Everyone is done, or almost done, and you haven’t even touched yours. Maybe no one will notice.

“SANS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED THE DELICIOUS BREAKFAST PREPARED BY THE GREAT PAPYRUS!”

You take that back. Of course someone will notice.

“sorry paps, just not hungry right now. still waking up ya know. i’ll put it in the fridge and heat it up later.”

“OKAY BROTHER, IF YOU PROMISE TO HAVE IT LATER, I SUPOSE A CAN ALLOW YOU TO PUT IT AWAY FOR NOW.”

And you do exactly that. You take the saran wrap out from one of the draws, and wrap up your plate, and place it in the fridge. Maybe you’ll be hungry later? If you’re not you can probably just throw it out somewhere.

Everyone else is now taking there plates over to the sink. Then everyone heads into the living room to hang out. Frisk isn’t enrolled in school yet, much to Toriel’s dismay, so they can stay home until they are. Usually everyone goes out and gets supplies, seeing as we just moved in, but almost everything’s set up. The living room is composed of two couches, a loveseat, and one that is supposed to fit three people. There is a large flat screen TV on top of a dark oak dresser, filled with boardgames. As you know from previous times on the surface, gold, the currency monsters used underground, is worth a lot more to the humans than it was to you.

You go and sit on the loveseat, next to Toriel, and Alphys and Papyrus sandwich Undyne between them on the three-seater. Asgore goes and sits down on the carpeted floor awkwardly, being to big to sit on the couches. Frisk comes over to you and crawls onto your lap, and you gladly let them. Asgore is the first to speak up.

“It seems as if we are all set up in this house now. Are we not?” Nobody responds, and Asgore takes this as a prompt to continue. “As you know, Frisk and I have been speaking with the government about our transition into society.”

Even though Frisk was asked to be ambassador, the government officials ruled Frisk to be “too young”. So Asgore decided to take the official title, while Frisk instructs him from behind the scenes. It’s like a 50/50 partnership.

“And we have spoken about important steps about integrating into the society. We came to the conclusion that we should search for jobs to share with the humans to get to know them better.” 

Undyne opens her mouth, and looks like she’s about to say something, but Asgore cuts her off.

“Now, before you interrupt, the humans we have spoken to informed us that they would tell the town we are currently in, that we will be looking for jobs, and it is not permitted for them to not hire us based off of the fact that we are monsters. We also agreed that this would be an important step for us, and this would help tensions between races decrease, as we would get to know each other better. I plan to announce this to the rest of the monster later today. Frisk? Will you come with me?”

Frisk hums and nods their head in agreement.

“Then I suppose the rest of you should look for jobs today. Apparently the human internet is useful for this, so I suggest going to the library in town and using their computers. Any Questions?”

Undyne is the first to speak up. “What if they DO refuse to hire us because of race?” She paused for a second then excitedly adds “If they do, can I suplex them?!”

“UNDYNE! YOU SHOULDN’T SUPLEX THE HUMANS!”

“No Undyne, you cannot suplex the humans.” Asgore responds, “And if they do refuse, I will try to get the government officials to speak to them. Anymore questions?” You can tell Undyne still looks angry about the prospect of being refused, and you can tell by Alphys’ nervous fiddling with her fingers that she’s worried about having to be interviewed. Papyrus just looks excited about being able to interact with the humans, and Toriel looks like she’s contemplating job choices. 

You, frankly, don’t give a damn, and probably won’t get a permanent job that you will get invested in. Why should you when it’ll be RESET? No point. Maybe you’ll work odd jobs. Maybe you won’t work. But then Papyrus and everyone will be even more disappointed in you then they already are. 

“Okay then. I suggest everyone leaves soon to go to the library. Frisk, when you are ready please meet me back here, and then we will go.”

Everyone then departs back to their rooms. Now you’ll be alone with Papyrus, and he’ll probably ask you what this morning was about. Great. Maybe you just deflect the conversation with puns. Puns are great at helping you hide how horribly destroyed you are inside!

Papyrus bounds upstairs, taking two steps at a time, filled with his usual flamboyant energy. You try and walk up the stairs without passing out. Wow you’re tired. Not sleeping, then having to interact with people really took a lot out of you. How useless are you? Can’t even interact with people properly.

You reach your room, and close the door behind you. Papyrus is already picking his clothes out for the day. Because apparently his battle body is not “normal” for people to wear on the surface. Not that it was normal underground but still. Papyrus should be able to wear what he wants without being judged, because he’s the coolest. No one’s better then your bro.

He picks out his outfit, and turns around and sees you. He suddenly looks nervous all of a sudden. You think you know why. Remember. Puns.

“SO SANS…” He starts, “WHEN WE WERE AT BREAKFAST THIS MORNING...”

Huh. This wasn’t how you’d thought this conversation would have started. Maybe you were wrong about what it is about?

“WELL I NOTICED, THAT, WELL, YOU KNOW THIS MORNING? WELL I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT, BUT THEN I THINK I SAW SOMETHING? I’M NOT SURE? BUT I MIGHT HAVE SEEN SOMETHING? SO I COULD BE WRONG BUT I’M NOT SURE?”

Okay, now he’s rambling. About what, you’re not sure, but he did mention this morning, so maybe it is about that.

“yeah paps?”

He pauses for a second before he quickly spits out-

“CAN I SEE YOUR ARM?”


	5. Bandages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I'm starting to upload on Saturdays now? Anyways, oh my god we reached over 100 Kudos! 134 as of right now! I'm so glad you guys enjoy this. Also thanks for the support in the comments! It's always appreciated and I always try to respond. That being said, here's the next chapter!

“wh- what?”

You’re too momentarily stunned by the question that you can’t form coherent thoughts.

“I SAID, CAN I SEE YOUR ARM?”

He says this a little quieter then the first time, and as you look up at his face, you can see he’s nervous.

What did Papyrus see? Did he see your tallies? No, that’s impossible. You’re wearing long sleeves, he shouldn’t have been able to see your arm, right? Maybe he did though. Maybe your sleeve got pushed up or something. No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO. Your breathing quickens.

He couldn’t have seen your arm. What are you supposed to do? What can you do? This isn’t good. This isn’t good! You can’t even hide your own inner turmoil from your brother. 

“UM…. SANS?”

You try to control your breathing. Maybe Papyrus really didn’t see. Maybe he just saw something else. It could’ve even been on your other arm! Well if worst comes to worst, then you’ll… You don’t know what you’ll do. But for now you should just take things how they come, and try to hide your anxiety.

“oh yeah… sure.”

You slowly roll up the sleeve to the arm opposite the one with the tallies. You hold out your arm, and Papyrus seems to look it over carefully before questioning, “CAN I SEE THE OTHER ARM TOO?”

Trying not to look Papyrus in the eye, you roll down your sleeve, and hesitate to roll up the other. You don’t know what to do. He knows. What do you do? What can you do? It’s not the first time in your life you’ve felt completely hopeless, far from it, but that doesn’t stop how bad it feels knowing you can’t change the situation your in. 

Papyrus is going to find out what a horrible brother you are. He’s going to be so upset at you. Using physical pain to cope with emotional pain. What kind of sick, messed up weirdo does that? You do. And know Papyrus is going to find out.

You gingerly roll up your other sleeve and hold your out like you did before, except this time with your palm facing down. A flicker of doubt crosses Papyrus’ face, but then he reaches out and gently grabs your wrist to turn your arm over.

You hear a gasp, and then look away to the floor. You don’t want Papyrus to see your hideous face right now. Or ever again. Papyrus has done nothing wrong to deserve you. Papyrus’ life would probably be better without you in it to mess it up, although he would probably never think that. If you were gone however, he would realize how much more improved his life would be.

“Sans? Did you do this?”

Papyrus’ voice is brought to an unnaturally quiet whisper, and you remind yourself that you caused this. You caused Papyrus be upset.

There’s no point in refuting the question, because the marks on your wrist are perfectly aligned, deep cuts, crossing the entire length of the bottom of your wrist. 

Papyrus isn’t stupid. You hate when people say he is, because it isn’t true. He may be naïve, and sweet, but he isn’t dumb. He knows the answer to the question, but doesn’t want to believe it. Your too ashamed to actually answer, and instead you look more intensely at the floor.

Papyrus realizes you aren’t going to respond. “W-well, we should probably dress these, so they don’t get any worse. Some of them look n-new.” 

You stand up next to Papyrus, still looking down, ashamed at your disgusting self. He carefully rolls down your sleeve and grabs your hand, leading you to the bathroom.

You would wonder why he was still putting up with you, but you know he would help anyone with their problems, even a stranger. Papyrus isn’t dumb, but he doesn’t realize how much of a lost cause you are, and how he would be better if he just forgot you existed. 

Papyrus knocks on the bathroom door, and thankfully everyone is still getting ready in their rooms. As soon as you walk in, Papyrus opens the cabinet above the sink, and starts shuffling through in order to find what he needs. Papyrus has been abnormally quiet the whole time, which you hate because you rather him yell at you for being useless and self-destructive. But Papyrus is Papyrus, and he would never yell at anyone for their issues. So now your suffocating in this thick silence, filled with uncertainty. 

At last Papyrus finds what he needs, and you wordlessly sit on the covered top of the toilet, and roll up your sleeve again. You wish Papyrus would break the stretch of silence between both of you, but like you, he seems at a loss for words.

He opens the cap to a white tube, and squeezes out a thick green paste that acts like an antibiotic for skeletons. 

Papyrus comes over to you, and you hold out your arm. You take a gamble and look up at his face, which is filled with sadness and something else you cant quite read, but you pin it as disappointment. 

He gently applies the ointment to your arm, and rubs it in delicately, afraid it might hurt you. But you’re already used to the slight pains that come from brushing up against something, or someone grabbing your wrist, so if it does hurt, you don’t feel it. You just feel numb.

After the paste is applied, Papyrus puts it back in the cabinet, and grabs the bandages he had set aside. He wraps up your wrist with the same delicacy he applied the antibiotic, and then puts the bandages back into the cabinet also.

“Sans… Can we go back to our room and…” He struggles to find the right phrase to use, “…talk about this?”

You shrug and nod your head, not really trusting your voice to work. You continue looking down as you walk back to your room, following Papyrus. You hear the sound of footsteps behind you, and see Alphys coming from her room with a towel and change of clothes, heading for the bathroom. She looks at you for a second, and you suddenly realize you forgot to pull your sleeve back down, but then she heads into the bathroom. If she did notice anything, she didn’t say anything.

As you go into your room, Papyrus closes the door behind you, and you walk over to go sit on your bed, still looking down. “So….”

You look up at Papyrus, and he looks at you expectantly. What do you even say? Now Papyrus knows how messed up you are, and you don’t have an explanation. You don’t know what to do. You’re useless.

“m’sorry” You mumble under your breath. Surprisingly Papyrus actually hears you and comes and sits next to you on the bed. He wraps his arms around you in a hug, and you lean into him. Papyrus’ hugs are great, even if you’re the last person that deserves them.

“Sans… You don’t have to be sorry. I- I just want to know why. Why did you do that to yourself?”

Of course you can’t tell him why exactly. You can’t burden him with the knowledge of the RESETS. Still you’re keeping the only thing you brother wants right now, an explanation, from him. Your brother, the person you love most in life, is upset over YOU. And you made that happen. Papyrus shouldn’t worry about you. Your life is a waste to worry on anyway. It’s not like you do anything important. It’s not like you actually saved anyone from a death you could’ve tried to prevent. You didn’t save Papyrus, or anyone, when you could’ve at least tried. You didn’t even try. You gave up. Your useless. Worthless. A waste of life.

“i’m sorry…”

You find yourself on the verge of tears, and bury your face closer into Papyrus’ trademark scarf. The same scarf whose vivid red contrasted against the stark white snow. A scarf that, once upon a time, was strewed with the pale gray dust of it’s owner. Your hands start shaking and your breathing quickens at the recount of the memory. Papyrus just sits there and soothingly rubs circles on your back, waiting for you to calm down.

A few tears silently fall from your face, and you look up at Papyrus, sending a pleading message with your face for him to just drop the subject of “why”. He looks at you sympathetically for a moment before speaking. “If you don’t want to say now, it’s okay. Hopefully you can tell me later? I’m not forcing you to… but I think it would help. Just… Can you promise to let me know if you ever feel like doing it again?”

Thankfully Papyrus hasn’t made the connection between the number of days you’ve been on the surface compared to the number of tallies on your arm. However, that would make this promise so much harder to keep. If you don’t keep track, what will you do in the morning when you don’t know if you’re back in Snowdin or still on the surface?

“i- i’ll try.”

Papyrus knows how much promises mean to you, and that you don’t give them out sparingly. Still his face holds a trace of disappointment. It seems he doesn’t want to push the issue and make you more upset, as he remains quiet. You sit there, clutching Papyrus’ scarf in your shaking hands, not caring for the moment that your being pathetic. Too soon for your taste, Undyne shouts at you and Papyrus to hurry up and go downstairs to go to the Library. Since you had your little “episode” with Papyrus, both of you weren’t able to get ready, so you and Papyrus get up and head over to your respective dressers.

You hear Papyrus hum while he picks out his outfit for the day, so hopefully you haven’t messed up his day too much. You stare blankly at your dresser, and take a moment to collect your thoughts. 

You messed up. Now Papyrus is going to be concerned with your issues, but he shouldn’t have to worry about you. You aren’t worthwhile. And now you’ve probably made his day worse then it should be. You really want to stay home today, but everyone, especially Papyrus, would be disappointed in you if you didn’t even look for job offers. Maybe if you go and act like your usual happy pun-loving self, Papyrus might think that your better off then you seem. You’re still super tired, seeing as you haven’t had like ANY sleep the past week, but you’ll try your best to put on your happy façade and try to have a good time.

You open your dresser and take out a clean pair of shorts, quickly changing into them, then throwing the dirty pair onto your bed. Papyrus just finished putting on his outfit, and is folding his pajamas up neatly on the bed. He’s wearing a bright orange short sleeve shirt, and a pair of jean shorts that he has to use a belt to keep up. He looks over at you and gives an exasperated sigh when he sees your outfit.

“SANS. SERIOUSLY. ARE YOU NOT CHANGING?”

He’s back to his usually volume you notice, which is good. You look down at your coffee and ketchup stained jacket, which hasn’t been washed in a while, and probably should be. Not worth the effort though. Plus, it’s comfortable.

“i changed my shorts.”

Papyrus gives another huff of disapproval and looks like he’s about to say something until-

“PAPYRUS! SANS! You guys are taking forever up there! Hurry up or we’re leaving without you!”

“COMING UNDYNE!”

Papyrus slips on a pair of sneakers, while you do the same with slippers. You both head downstairs and see Undyne looking impatient waiting by the door with Toriel and Alphys. It seems Asgore and Frisk have left already.

“Jeez, seriously. You guys took forever!”

“WELL UNDYNE, MY OUTFIT HAD TO BE GREAT ENOUGH FOR THE GREAT PAPYRUS.”

Your glad he doesn’t mention your “incident”. As you walk out the door, Toriel and you start exchanging a slew of jokes, and Papyrus starts having a heated discussion with Undyne, with Alphys occasionally joining in.

It’s time to face the day.


	6. HoPe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation is overheard about HoPe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 157 Kudos! I'm so glad everyone enjoys the story so far. I'm really sorry about grammatical mistakes, because I tend to make those a lot. I'll fix them. Eventually. Probably. Anyways I was thinking of doing really short chapter summaries so there's that. Really don't have that much else to say except comments and Kudos are always appreciated!

The walk to the library is long and grueling, not to Papyrus or Undyne obviously, but more so then it should be because of lack of sleep. As you walk, although the area you’re going through is scarcely populated, you still feel the stares of all the passersby on you. It seems everyone else does too, except Papyrus thankfully, and the conversations going on between your group seem to dwindle and quiet.

 

The group finally reaches the library in town, a small place with a large “LIBRARY” sign plastered on the front (you notice it’s actually spelled right). A quick glance in the large windows that take up the majority of the front side shows you there’s not many people in there. That’s good. Asgore probably set something up so there wouldn’t be many people around today.

 

As you walk in, there’s a lady to greet you at the door, with a strained smile and trying not to make any visible flinch at your appearance. Yeah, Asgore definitely set something up. She greets you rather kindly, and then shows you all to the computers. You come upon a long table with eight computers, and you snag a seat between Toriel and Undyne, while Papyrus seems adamant on getting the seat across from you for some reason, so he ends up sitting next to Alphys.

 

Everyone else settles in quite quickly and starts to fiddle with the new technology of the computers. Since the Underground had limited resources, the older models of computers that were accessed by monsters before the barrier were adjusted differently then the humans. Humans designed sleeker, stylish devices, while the Underground went in a different direction; bulkier, rougher looking devices that had different intentions then what the humans had.

 

Sooner rather then later, everyone eventually figures out the basics of working the computer and exploring the internet, of course with a little help from the lady who greeted you earlier. You had already used the computers before, in a different timeline, and you know how they work and how humans have a bunch of weird crap online. Why not look at some of that?

 

Some time passes, and it seems everyone has found the type of job they want to look for, or at least from what you can tell. You can’t see Papyrus or Alphys’ screen, but knowing Alphys, she’s looking into something that involves science or engineering. Papyrus, on the other hand, seems to be completely fixated on something on his screen. Maybe he found out how many types of pasta there is on the surface? Or maybe he found a model of the red convertible he always wanted?

 

You should probably start looking for something like a job, so Papyrus isn’t even more disappointed in you then he already is. But what do you look for? Maybe look up some things humans need help with for odd jobs, and how to advertise. You’re probably not actually going to do any of that, or actually GET to do any of that, depending on when this is all RESET.

 

You notice Papyrus silently ask Alphys something, then they both get up and head somewhere. Nobody else notices, and it’s not really your business to follow them, so you just get back to what you are doing.

 

You eventually become bored however, and decide to take a look at the books in the library. You head over to the science section, which is surprisingly big for how small the library is. You used to love science, and still do, but ever since… him …you just can’t find it in yourself to actually pursue it. That, and the RESETS that came soon after. You can’t fathom how difficult it would be to do days and days of research over and over because all the progress you made was RESET. So yeah. No science for you.

 

You skim through the binds of all the books, and are about to grab a book about astronomy, when you hear a shout from the aisle next to yours.

 

“One HP!?”

 

That’s definitely Alphys, and unless there’s some other random monster her or Papyrus know about that has 1 HP, they’re talking about you. Probably about your breakdown this morning. Great. Now Alphys knows how messed up you are too. You’re just failing overall, which happens to be something you do a lot.

 

“S-sorry, it just used to be s-so much higher.” Alphys says, more quietly this time.

 

“It’s okay! I don’t know how you used to know what Sans’ HP was, but it definitely was once much higher. I don’t know how that happened. I didn’t even know HP could go down until Sans’ did.”

 

Papyrus is also trying to keep his voice down you realize. Considerate, because you’re in a library, but considering the discussion at hand, that’s probably not the only reason.

 

You decide to stick around a little longer, now that you are sure they are talking about you, and pretend to focus on looking at the titles of books incase anyone walks by and sees you. You probably shouldn’t be listening, Papyrus didn’t tell you to come for a reason, but being the annoying thing you are, you stay anyways. You really shouldn’t be listening.

 

“W-well, as you know, young monsters start out with very low HP, as well as ATK and DEF.”

 

Papyrus nods so Alphys continues, “As they g-grow, the stats become higher. Each different type of monster has a different cap, t-that is to say, a certain number that they reach without any effort necessary. Usually, the HP, ATK, and DEF are completely different number depending on the t-type of monster. F-from there, the monster can continue to train to up their stats, l-like you and Undyne. Most monsters chose not to because it requires a lot of effort to up the cap stats. Training for the ATK and DEF by sparring, or other exercises, c-can increase ATK and DEF. However, most people who train have a very strong willpower and hope for the future because of their strengths. This leads into the HP. HP or HoPe, is a c-combination of both physical training, and actual hope. If you take you and Undyne for example again, both of y-you guys have high HoPe. This is because of both training, and the fact that both of you g-guys had high hopes for the future. You both believed in your capabilities of doing good for others, and that having a positive impact on the future. If that makes sense?”

 

Papyrus nods again, but more hesitantly, seeming as if he is trying hard tograsp the concept entirely.

 

“W-well Asgore and Toriel also have high stats for entirely different purposes. Boss monsters are born with a very high cap, seeing as they are so powerful. N-now we move onto why stats decrease. You can’t lose ATK or DEF based on lack of training or effort, or a-anything like that. T-the only way those decrease is if your HoPe decreases first. U-usually, HoPe only decreases after a sudden traumatic experience, or a very long drawn out time of losing hope. L-losing HP is when you lose hope for the future. Losing HoPe also decreases the other stats because your will is weakened. Now, if we go back to Sans, you s-said his ATK and DEF were also one, right?”

 

“Yes”

 

“So his HoPe would explain h-how his ATK and DEF got so weak. But t-the question is how his HoPe got so low. Do you remember if it dropped suddenly or it slowly decreased?”

 

“Well, it’s actually happened on more than one occasion.” Papyrus says sheepishly. “The first time was when I was still young, and I know that his stats were slowly going down, but I don’t know why. I know there was something… Something important happened…” Papyrus gives a frustrated huff, “I should remember! If it’s that important that Sans started losing HP! Right?!”

 

‘Yeah’, you think bitterly, ‘But nobody remembers.’

 

“Well, I don’t know about that, b-but I do know that HoPe dropping slowly usually means the person has been struggling with something for a very long time. W-whatever happened that you don’t remember, was probably the cause of his HoPe dropping. What happened next?”

 

“W-well,” Papyrus starts, clearly still frustrated with the fact that he can’t remember, “His stats were steadily low for a while. I think it was a five for everything. But, suddenly, this one day comes where I see him, and he just looks tired, and his stats have dropped to one.”

 

Ah. The day that damn flower gained Determination. It seemed like you had changed over night to Papyrus. But unbeknownst to him, you had actually lived that one day, over and over again, until that flower finally decided to let the timeline get further then a DAY. When he started experimenting with people for weeks on end, then going back to his last SAVE. Just because he was bored. You don’t blame Alphys for that, hell you were even working on that as a side project at one point. She wouldn’t have known about the dust on the flowers.

 

“T-that probably means there was a traumatic experience that happened, a-and it seems really bad, since b-because of it, he l-lost almost all hope for the future. D-do you have any idea w-what happened?”

 

“I have no idea…”

 

Papyrus seems really upset about it, and you want to tell him that it isn’t his fault, and that you’re just messed up, and that you can’t fix what’s already broken. But you’re not even supposed to be listening to this conversation, so you just keep your comments to yourself.

 

Speaking of not supposed to be listening to this conversation, you should probably leave. The conversation seems to be drawing to an end anyway. You grab the astronomy book you originally set your eyes on, and head back to where Toriel and Undyne are, still at the computers.

 

You start to feel guilty on the way back. That really wasn’t for you to listen to. Papyrus didn’t invite you for a reason. He spoke quietly for a reason. God, you’re so stupid. Can’t you see when you’re not supposed to be somewhere? And especially since Papyrus didn’t want you to hear what he was saying.

 

_“Sa-Subject 1. What are you doing?”_

_His voice is cold and hard, sending a shiver down your spine. You shakily stand up from your supposedly good hiding place, behind the metal table used for your examinations. You just wanted to listen about what he was talking about with Asgore._

_He places his phone on the counter behind him, and marches over to you, clearly angry with how you eavesdropped. There’s no use in explaining yourself. You messed up and there’s no way out of this. You’re going to be punished._

_“I though you were smart.”_

_Again, the voice is so sharp that you quiver in your place, frozen with fear._

_“You even worked with me in the la-“_

_He cuts himself off and sighs. You know he doesn’t like talking about the past, because he knows he changed from who he used to be._

_“You know what? Never mind. You’re obviously incompetent, trying to listen in on my conversation. Did you think you would have gotten away with this?”_

_Again, he is met by your silence. If you even tried to speak right now, you don’t think you could form proper words._

_“I suppose punishment is necessary. Go get Subject 2.”_

_You mumble under your breath, “no.”_

_“What was that?”_

_“i said no! don’t hurt Papyrus!”_

_You gain more confidence in your ability to speak. You would’ve complied had it been you being punished, but if Papyrus was brought into it… No way._

_“Are you telling me what to do? Since when did that happen?”_

_His voice is oozing with coldness, mocking you for your pathetic attempt at stopping him from what he wants to do. But Papyrus is worth protecting._

_“take me instead. don’t hurt Papyrus!”_

_“I suppose… but only if you take a double dosage of the norm. Otherwise we’ll have to start P-Subject 2 on it-“_

_You cut him off before he even finishes his sentence. “i’ll do it.”_

_There’s no way you’re making Papyrus take it. He could be bluffing but your not taking the chance. A double dosage is going to hurt like hell, and will probably be an OD, but it’s worth it to protect Papyrus._

_“Fine then. Get on the table.”_

_He opens a draw and starts preparing the needle filled with the electrifying red of Determination. Then he turns to you and gives you a fake and hollow grin._

_“This is what happens when you listen in on someone else’s conversation.”_


	7. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are done that will soon be regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Almost 200 Kudos and over 10,000 words! I didn't think people would actually like my writing but I guess they do? Anyways, as always comments and Kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Also, I was home sick for two days this week and decided to draw this picture and I thought it turned out ok so I decided to show it.

The rest of the time spent at the library was mostly uneventful. After you came back from eavesdropping, you guiltily went back to your computer and started looking up actual jobs. However, shortly after Alphys and Papyrus came back, you all left the Library to go back to the house. And, oh boy, if you thought the trip to the library was hard, the way back was a whole other thing. Papyrus even offered to carry you back after half way, but you refused because he shouldn’t have to be burdened with you, and you can carry your own weight.

 

Now you’re back at the house though, and you’re bone tired. But you can’t go to sleep, because then you’ll have nightmares, and those never end well. Papyrus seems to notice your how you posture has become slumped, and how heavily lidded your eye sockets are.

 

“SANS. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS BUT… YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD SLEEP? I MEAN I NORMALLY WOULDN’T ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE LAZY… BUT YOU LOOK REALLY TIRED…”

 

You really aren’t looking forward to sleeping, but maybe you can pretend so you don’t worry Papyrus. Plus, he probably won’t want to come into the room if you’re sleeping, as to not disturb you. So you “accept” his offer.

 

“uh yeah Paps, that does sound like a good idea. i’m bone tired. heh heh.”

 

“SANS GO TO OUR ROOM RIGHT NOW, I CANNOT STAND YOUR PUNS RIGHT NOW.”

 

You comply and trudge your way upstairs, passing by Alphys and giving her a little wave. As soon as you’re in your room, you plop onto your bed, which creaks with the sudden weight. Then, as you look over at your dresser, you’re reminded of the nail you keep in the bottom drawer. You’re about to pull yourself up and open the drawer, but then mentally scold yourself.

 

‘No. You said you would try. You said you would try for Papyrus. Don’t be an even bigger disappointment.’

 

But you are already too big of a disappointment. If it wasn’t for Papyrus’ kind and caring charisma, you’re sure he would have left you long ago. And for the better. Papyrus would be better off without you here.

 

You can’t stand it though, the urge is too strong. You feel like such a weak willed failure for doing this, but you do it anyways. Reaching over to the dresser, you pull open the bottom drawer and shuffle around the many similar pairs of black shorts, eventually finding what you looking for.

 

Holding the nail tightly, you begin to swirl it around in your fingers, temping yourself. But you know you deserve the pain. For everything you have and haven’t done. Starting with him, then the RESETS, where you had two chances. The flower and the kid. Failing Papyrus every time. Failing everyone in the Underground every time. Doing nothing to even try. Giving up when you still had a shot. Disobeying Papyrus’ wishes by listening to his conversation in the library. Even now, as you hold the nail, you’re going against Papyrus. But this is what’s needed. If Papyrus isn’t going to inflict the pain you deserve on you, you’re going to inflict it upon yourself. It’s a fair trade right? Papyrus died plenty of times due to your incompetence, so why not return the favor. Of course if you died, it wouldn’t be Papyrus’ fault, like it was for his deaths. Hell, Papyrus is the only reason you’ve decided to stick around this long. Even before the RESETS.

 

Still clutching the nail in your grasp you rip off your sweatshirt and lay face up on the bed. You roll up the bottom of your shirt, exposing your ribcage. You see the indents of many, many, other points of weakness. Old, yes, but still there. You run your hand along the scars of a different time, for a different reason. Because of him. His descent in madness, and your inability to do anything about it. Your failure to save him while he falled, even if he was insane. Because he wasn’t always that way. Once kind and caring. But now, any memory of him has disappeared, except for in your mind.

 

You turn the nail downward, poised to strike at your bare ribcage. How easy it would be. One hit, with the intent to kill, would dust you for sure. Intent is the only reason you’re not dead right now. While making the tallies, your goal was pain and permanence, not death. But now…

 

Wouldn’t it be better for everyone? Papyrus wouldn’t have to deal with you. You would be out of everyone’s hair until the next RESET. Or thinking optimistically, maybe the kid won’t RESET. Nobody would have to deal with you and the failure and uselessness that comes along with you.

 

But… What about Papyrus. What would he do if he came upstairs to find you, and only found a pile of dust? Would he get over it? He probably would, once he realizes how better off he would be without you, but the moment he catches sight of your dust…

You shiver slightly as you lower the nail to your side. You couldn’t do that to him. Even if you deserve it. You can’t blatantly display your dust for Papyrus to find. Maybe if you leave first everyone else would tell him that you went on vacation.

 

You settle for rolling down your shirt, but still picking up the nail again. Hastily unwrapping the bandage Papyrus helped with, you sit up and hold the nail against your now exposed wrist containing the tallies, and push down hard. Slowly dragging the nail buried in you bone horizontally against your arm, making sure you get each ounce of pain you deserve.

 

.5 HP

 

But you’re not done yet. You deserve more. You switch the nail over to your other hand, and press it against your other wrist. Gripping it less tightly than you would with your dominant hand, you make several cuts, shallower than the first, but still deep enough to be concerning towards your health.

 

.2 HP

 

It burns so, so, much, but you know you deserve it. For failing so many people more times then you can count. You can make as many cuts as you want on this arm without messing up the tallies. You keep roughly dragging the nail against the now raw bone, deeper and deeper each time, until there literally is no more room on your wrist. Although you usually need the intent to kill to actually die, injuries are still real and detrimental to your health. 

 

.075 HP

 

Weak and tired now, slowly losing the rush of adrenaline you used to harm yourself, you shakily reach out back towards the dresser and bury the nail between the mounds of clothes in the bottom drawer.

 

You’ll probably regret this later, but right now this was needed. Pain to distract you from your inner turmoil. Pain that you definitely deserved.

 

“SANS! LUNCH IS READY!”

 

Oh. Oh no. That isn’t good. You either have to go downstairs, or Papyrus comes up here and gets you. Both options are unfavorable. Quickly picking up your sweatshirt from the ground, you throw it back on, wincing slightly when the sleeves rub against the fresh wounds.

 

“SANS! COME ON. DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO COME UPSTAIRS TO GET YOU? I HEARD YOU MOVING AROUND, I KNOW YOU’RE UP.”

 

You mentally brace yourself for socializing with everyone downstairs. Taking a deep breath, you make your way downstairs to the kitchen.

 

“yeah, yeah, i’m comin Paps.”

 

As you make your way into the kitchen, Toriel greets you.

 

“Hello Sans!”

 

“heya tori.”

 

You sit yourself down next to her, and look around the table. It seems as though Asgore and Frisk haven’t come back yet. 

 

“Asgore just texted me and told me him and Frisk would be back soon.” Undyne adds as if reading your mind.

 

“UNDYNE! IS MY WORK PULVERIZED ENOUGH TO SATISFACTORY?”

 

“Let me see!”

 

Undyne walks over to where Papyrus has prepared lunch spaghetti and sauce, and inspects it closely before shouting, “DUDE the sauce needs more... OBLITERATED VEGETABLES!”

 

It seems lunch will be postponed until later then. Papyrus and Undyne start punching tomatoes, while you turn to Alphys. Even though she doesn’t remember why, she knows you worked in the lab when you were very young. She was also young at the time, a few years older, coming in because her mom worked there. Both being shy, social outcasts, you hit it off right away.

 

“hey Alph. did you find any good jobs at the library?”

 

“U-um yeah! There was this o-one opening I s-saw that was for engineering, that seemed l-like it would be good to have. I-im just s-so nervous though b-because what if they don’t l-like me? I mean, what i-if i’m not good enough? I just-”

 

Cutting her off before she starts to ramble you say, “Alph. i know you’ll do just fine. you built Mettaton for goodness sake! i’m sure they’ll love ya. you’ll probably even be the smartest one there.”

 

“Y-you really think s-so?”

 

“course i do. wouldn’t have said it if i didn’t mean it.”

 

And you do mean it. Alphys, once you get past the socially awkward phase, is really great once you get to know her. When you were younger, you both had a lot of things in common. Issues both of you had that you helped each other get through.

 

You chat with Alphys for a little while longer, mostly letting her rant about either science or Mew Mew Kissy Cutie. Although you seem to be a very social person, talking to everyone, telling jokes all the time, and having a bunch of friends, you really just like to listen better. Listening to everyone else and their life really helps take your mind off your own issues.

 

Sooner rather than later, Frisk and Asgore are heard coming in the door, and then soon walking into the kitchen. Frisk is holding a small purse with crayons of all different colors sticking out of it. Asgore probably gave it to them to entertain themselves. They are still a kid after all.

 

It seems as though now the spaghetti and sauce are up to Undyne’s standards, and her and Papyrus start to dish it out to everyone. Maybe it’s Undyne’s help, or maybe it’s just Papyrus’ lack of pasta cooking skills, but the spaghetti is… indescribable. The amount you are able to stomach doesn’t boost your HP back up.

 

Frisk is fidgeting happily in their seat the whole time, quickly shoveling forkfuls of pasta down. You don’t know how they do it. They seem excited about something, and as they sign ‘I want to show you all something’ the reason why seems to come to light.

 

Frisk isn’t completely mute, but rather prefers to sign rather than talk. Only in certain instances will they actually use their voice, and in very short phrases. So far, in this timeline, you’ve only heard them talking on the phone to Undyne and Papyrus while Underground. The kid seems a lot more talkative when committing genocide however…

 

You’re startled out of your thought when Frisk grabs your wrist, and you wince slightly. Alphys looks at you confused, but then dismisses it. Thankfully Papyrus, or anyone else for that manner, doesn’t notice.

 

Frisk pulls you into the living room and makes you sit on the couch. Everyone else trails in behind you and also sits down, while Frisk shuffles through things in their bag. They hum in triumph, dramatically pumping their fist up in the air while the other hand pulls out a folded and slightly crumpled paper.

 

They carefully unfold it and proudly hold it up so as everyone can see. 

 

“It’s you!” 

 

Everyone looks back at Frisk for a moment, surprised by the sudden outburst of words, but then you all turn your attention back to the paper.

 

It’s a carefully colored drawing, depicting everyone in the room. Frisk has drawn themselves in the middle, surrounded by everyone. Papyrus is all the way on the left next to you, seemingly colored in with the brightest red crayon Frisk could find. The only other color coming close to match how vibrant it is would be Undyne’s hair, which is only a little bit darker. You’re shown in a pale blue hoodie, while Alphys is wearing her trademark labcoat. Asgore and Toriel’s outfits match in the same purple color, but Asgore is also decked with a golden crown that Frisk happily points out that they ‘made it with the macaroni-and-cheese crayon!’

 

It really is a good drawing, albeit the messiness that comes from kids. It really looks like Frisk put a lot of effort in it, and you wonder if this is their discrete way of telling you ‘no more RESETS’ again, since they haven’t done it in any other timeline that got this far. They look over at you, seemingly surveying your face for acceptance, with pleading eyes that read they want you to know they weren’t lying.

 

“looks great kid.”

 

That seems to appease them as they nod in content. Toriel suggest that they hang the picture on the fridge, seeing how great it is that it deserves a fridge worthy spot.

 

Now, you can’t help but wonder,

  
Is there truly no more RESETS?


	8. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans and Alphys talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. So... you may be wondering why i'm posting a chapter at 1am on a Tuesday, and that's honestly a good question. Don't worry, there will still be a chapter out every Saturday, but I had an idea for this chapter, and really couldn't wait to write it out, so tada! Here it is. Also, just want to point out that we got over 200 Kudos, and THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH THAT IS SUPER AWESOME! As always, comments are appreciated, and I do try to respond to them. :)

  
Papyrus and Undyne soon decide to go to the small grocery store in the village. Since destroying (or “pulverizing”) all the ingredients, there isn't enough at the house to make dinner.

They both bid everyone else goodbye, then head out. Toriel retires to the kitchen for some baking, while Asgore heads back to his room to unwind for a bit, leaving Alphys, Frisk, and you in the living room.

Frisk lays on the carpeted floor, humming a cheery sounding song to themselves while pulling a clean sheet of paper out from their purse. Alphys is sitting next to you, eyes attached to the screen of her phone. For once in this exciting household, you manage to have a time of peace and quiet during the day, besides the distant sounds of Toriel baking, and Frisk’s song.

You sit comfortably on the couch, mind blank, free from unwanted thoughts. Mind taken off of things you want to forget. It's so peaceful, you could fall asleep, and you want to, despite the looming threat of nightmares, but you notice Alphys turning to you in your peripheral vision.

“S-sans, you know you c-can tell me anything, r-right?”

Briefly pausing to recall why exactly she would ask that, you remember the discussion in the library. About how broken you are.

“yeah, but what brings this on?” you ask, although you already know the answer. However, you wonder if she will tell you about her and Papyrus’ “private” discussion.

“W-well, when we we w-were at the library, umm… P-papyrus pulled me a-aside and told me some things. Um. L-like about you.”

Fidgeting nervously in her seat, she continues, “And I j-just wanted to remind you of our p-promise…”

_Alphys’ sixteen birthday was last night, and judging by her tired gaze and dark circles beneath her eyes, it seems as if she spent the whole night marathoning anime. Not the worst way to spend your birthday, but most definitely not the best. You wanted to come over her house, you really did. Despite the age gap of three years between you two, you were both really close._

_Unfortunately, he has been cracking down on you. Getting harsher. Barely allowing you to leave the house without consent from him. He never did this before, but maybe it's your fault. Maybe you're just a bad child. You're probably so frustrating and annoying that you can turn the nicest people into the worst. You're now afraid he won't even let you leave the house soon without him._

_So, unfortunately, you weren't able come over last night. Apologizing profusely, you told her you couldn't come, expecting hate and disappointment in her eyes. Maybe it was how you looked on the verge of tears, or maybe it was the way you turned away shamefully after telling her, but she didn't seem upset. At least at you. She didn't ask any questions though, which you were grateful for. She shouldn't have to learn about your problems. Especially problems you were the cause of._

_Walking to the lab together now, the sudden heat and bubbling of lava below you signifies your arrival into Hotland._

_“alph. can we stop here for a hot sec?”_

_“Sure…”_

_She trails off, looking at you expectantly as you rummage through your coat pockets. You pull out a small, messily wrapped package, with a small tag the displays the name “ALPHYS” in large bolded letters._

_“i would’ve given it to you in the lab but…” you snuck out to get this present, disobeying his strict rules, and you're sure he would notice something amiss if you gave this to Alphys within his sight, “i just wanted it to be between us.”_

_“Oh Sans! You really shouldn't have!”_

_Despite the words she said, her face is lit up, making you glad you did this, even if you'll get punished._

_Carefully tearing the wrapping, as to not let any stray pieces be littered on the ground, Alphys opens the package and gasps in surprise when she sees what it is._

_“Sans! Ohmygod! How did you know I wanted this?”_

_Alphys drops the wrapping, completely forgotten about in the sudden excitement. In her hands she proudly holds a new copy of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie._

_“c’mon alph. you've been raving about it the past few months. figured it was about time you actually got to see it.”_

_“Thank you thank you thank you! How can I ever repay you?”_

_“it was a present alph. ya don't needa repay me. your expression was repayment enough.”_

_And that it was. The way Alphys had a little skip in her step, the way her eyes shined a little brighter, it was worth the punishment you would get if he found out about you sneaking out._

_As soon as you both get to the lab, you both grab lab coats and suit up. You both head into the wash room, with Alphys going over to the sink first and turning the cold water on._

_She rolls up her sleeves, pushing her hands under the cold water, when you catch a glimpse of something on her wrist._

_“hey alph. um… what's on your arm?”_

_The reaction is instantaneous, she reaches up to pull her sleeve back down, seemingly not noticing or caring at the moment that her sleeve is now soaked._

_“Nothing.” she manages to squeak out, her voice a few octaves higher than usual._

_“c’mon alph. you know you can tell me, right? i promise i won't judge ya. i won't tell anyone about it if you don't want them to know.”_

_Even though you only had a quick glance at her exposed arm, you saw the pink scars contrasting against her yellow scales. Although it’s different for skeletons, you know where those scars came from. And she knows that you know._

_You make sure the door to the room is closed, then head over to where Alphys is standing, not having moved except to pull her hand out from beneath the cold water. You reach out and gingerly pull her arm up to you, carefully rolling the sleeve back up. She shows no resistance to this, only carefully observing your face for expressions of judgment that never come._

_Running your fingers along her arm, brushing gently against all the scars, some of which are new, you look her in the eye and say, “it's okay.”_

_Then you suddenly pull her into hug, leaning into her ear and whispering reassurances as she begins to break down. She trembles, shaking in your grasp, but you remain her rock for the time being._

_Eventually, both of your grips on each other loosen, while Alphys apologizes, wiping the rest of the tears from her eyes, and you keep informing her there's no reason to be sorry._

_She calmed down enough now that you back out of the hug and look her in the face. This is someone who has exposed their whole being to you. From the obsessing over anime, to the scars from the burdens of life. This is someone you fully trusts you, and you realize you can truly trust them._

_You start unbuttoning your lab coat as you say, “i get it alph, i really do.”_

_You pull up your shirt, exposing your weak, thin frame that you're already ashamed of. But what you want to show is displayed prominently on your ribcage, deep cuts in the bone that line all areas you could get your hands on. For failing to be a good brother. For failing to be a good son. For failing to be strong. For failing at everything life throws at you._

_Alphys gasps quietly as she catches sight of the marks. You roll your shirt back down, and both of you stand there in silence, knowing you both have responsibilities right now, but not being able to stand the thought of completing them._

_Alphys is the first to break the silence, uttering a phrase that will always stick in your mind._

_“I promise i'll always be there if you need it.”_

_and without any hesitation you add,_

_“i promise too.”_

“Sans?”

“oh yeah sorry. there's… just a lot going on right now.”

Alphys seems dejected, so you add, “i...i'll tell you later. just, not in front of the kid.”

Frisk looks up to where you two are sitting at the mention of “kid”, but simply goes back to coloring.

You enjoy the silence some more when you can, and Alphys thankfully lets you rest, maybe noticing how tired you seem.

Your thoughts seem to drift as you think back to the memory. You promised to be there for Alphys, but yet, when it came to the failed Determination experiments with monsters, you were too caught up in your own troubles. Troubles that involved a man everyone forgot, and a flower with a little too much Determination. Yet another broken promise.

It's almost funny. For the amount of promises you make, you think you would be able to keep them. But no, you, as usual, are a failure, and can't stick to anything you promise.

You can hear the door slam open from a mile away, as Papyrus and Undyne come in simultaneously shouting, “SPAGHETTI TIME!”, and rushing into the kitchen with arms overflowing with groceries. This is unfortunate to say the least, for Toriel, who will have to hand the kitchen over to the “master chefs”, and for everyone else, seeing as it seems that you're also having spaghetti for dinner as well as lunch.

That being said, you're reminded that your HP is still dangerously low, looming at a mere .075. And if the cooking is any bit similar as to what it was at lunch, it looks like your HP won't go up unless you get yourself something else to eat.

You stand up, prepared to ask Toriel for a taste of whatever she's baking (her cooking heals massive amounts of HP), but you are hit with a sudden spell of dizziness and stumble slightly. Whether it be from standing up too fast, or your weakness from the low HP, Alphys seems to notice, and is instantly concerned.

“Sans! Are y-you okay?”

“yeah”, you say as you steady yourself, “i'm fine. just stood up too fast.”

“I mean I could just c-check your stats real quick, j-just to be sure-”

“no.”, you answer a little too quickly, with a louder tone than anticipated.

“i mean. it's fine. like i said, just stood up too fast.”

Alphys seems to doubt this however, and unfortunately for you, pushes the issue.

“It's just to c-check, it would take l-literally two seconds.” She adds, with a small laugh at the end.

“i'm fine.” You say, but with a sharp edge. Alphys seems to know your hiding something now, and seems hell-bent on figuring it out.

“Sans. D-don't lie. Come on, i'm your friend right? You trust me? I won't judge you for w-whatever it is you're h-hiding. I j-just want to help you, like you did f-for me.”

You sigh as she says the last bit. You know you DID help her out, but obviously not enough. Too wrapped up in your own issues to even realize how depressed and antisocial she was truly becoming. Selfish.

However, you comply, seeing as nothing else will satisfy her. Sitting yourself back down on the couch, you pull down all mental defenses, and let her check your stats.

Sans  
.075/1 HP  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
The easiest enemy

“Sans!”

“yeah.”

She brings her voice down to a shouted whisper, realizing that it won't do any good for her to be shouting your current stats aloud, “What h-happened?! H-how did you lose so much HP?!”

“uh…”

There's no good answer to this question.

“Never mind that! W-we need to h-heal y-you! You could l-like, stub your toe and d-die!”

“alph we both know that won't happen.”

“But if it does?!”

You shrug and look back at her as she starts to get up.

“I’m getting food. Y-you're going t-to eat it, t-then you're g-going to tell me w-what h-happened.”

You notice her stutter got worse while speaking to you. That only happens when she gets worked up or nervous about something. She never used to have a stutter.

She leaves the room, and heads to the kitchen. You pray silently that she won't tell anyone else, and knowing her, she probably won't.

Unfortunately though, you're going to have a bit of explaining to do once she gets back.


	9. Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Sans doesn't see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little but rushed, but I wanted to get it out today, and I've been busy this week. Also, I wanted to end the chapter in a certain way, and it kinda just happened a little bit sooner then I liked, but *shurgs* Anyways, Kudos and comments are always appreciated! I know I say it often, but it really makes me happy when I see an email with a comment or Kudos received, so just know that your efforts are greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy this chapter despite the dark turn it takes.

Alphys comes back with a large bag of chisps, crinkling between her hands as she rushes back towards your spot on the couch.

“Sans. You’re going to tell me what happened.” She says with no trace of hesitation.

“eh, let’s… go somewhere else first.”

Your eyes trail over to the kid, who has silently been watching you since Alphys’ outburst at your health, crayons abandoned. Seeing a trace of guilt in their eyes, perhaps thinking they caused your health decrease, you are quick to reassure them.

“it’s okay kid, just gotta talk with Alph.”

Helping you up, Alphys takes your hand and leads upstairs to her room, and thankfully Undyne is still in the kitchen.

Alphys hands over the bag of chisps, and you take your time opening the bag, wondering if you really deserve the relief that is contained inside it. You decide however, since Alphys sends you a glare, that you should probably hurry up and eat, otherwise she’ll tell Papyrus or someone else.

Taking a chisp at a time, you eat, slowly but surely as Alphys stares at you, a silent gaze upon you, ushering you to hurry up. The chisps taste like cardboard, as you’re still not in the mood for eating, but your HP steadily increases tick by tick. Your mind wanders, searching for an explanation to tell, but none comes.

Soon, your HP is back to its fantastic 1, and you turn and face Alphys.

“um. i’m all good now.”

“S-sans. What happened?”

You have a speculation she knows, having gone through the same thing herself, so denying it isn’t going to do anything. If there was a way out of this situation, you’d definitely take it, but it really seems as though there are none. You decide to show her rather than tell her.

You roll up the sleeve to your less injured arm first, not looking at Alphys’ face for the rejection it would hold. She got over her issues, why can’t you? Why can’t you stop being so weak?

Even though the tallies on this arm are deep, they are few in number, and you have no doubt Alphys knows they didn’t cause the drop in HP.

“I-is t-that all?”

Still avoiding her face, you carefully roll up your other sleeve, and then hear Alphys gasp quietly.

Talking in a hushed whisper now, “Oh my god. S-sans!”

You look upon your arm, how ugly and disgusting and mangled it looks. Why did you do this? Sure, you deserved it, but did you really think nobody would find out? Now you're putting Alphys through your troubles, as well as Papyrus. How selfish.

“i'm sorry, okay!” You outburst, “i know i'm selfish and worthless, and messed up, and broken…” The list goes on and on, but soon you're mumbling inaudibly. Alphys reaches for you after her momentary stun, but you pull away, ceasing your mumbling immediately.

“never mind. i shouldn't have said anything.” You say under your breath, more to yourself then Alphys.

“Sans…” Alphys says, pity thick in her voice as she reaches for you again. But you don't deserve her pity. You don't deserve anyone's pity. Your problems are your own and nobody needs to pity you for things you caused.

Backing away farther this time, you say, “i'm sorry.”

“Sans there's n-nothing to be sorry about-” She starts, but in a blink you're gone, back to your room. Not caring right now that you used your shortcut in front of somebody.

Alphys is wrong though, you think as you lock the door to the room and lay on your bed. She is so very wrong. You have everything to be sorry for. For not saving him. For not saving Papyrus. For not saving anyone killed at the hands of the child or the flower. For abandoning Alphys in her time of need. For giving up.

You roll your sleeves back down, and look at you bed sheets. The usual light blue has spots of in a deeper shade covering it. Touching your hand to your face, you pull your fingers back, still wet from your silent tears. When did you start crying? Pathetic.

How is it possible to be as big as a failure as you? You start taking sharp uneven breaths as your tears fall more steadily. It seems as though you mess up in every single possible timeline.

You hear knocking in the distance, probably Alphys, but you're too distraught to care. Why does she still care about you? She should leave and live a better life without you. Maybe you can stay in your room for the rest of this timeline.

You quiver, bones rattling as you grab your pillow and hold it tightly against your chest. Maybe it would be better if you were gone until the next RESET. Maybe it won't RESET and you'll be gone forever, permanently removed from everyone's lives. Sure at first they would be sad, but wouldn't they get over it? They would as soon as they truly realize how much you dragged them down. Besides, you deserve no better then death. You've ruined all the other timelines, whose to say this one won't get any worse because of you?

The knocking on the door continues, more insistent. Why doesn't Alphys get it. She should just give up on you. You're not really worth her time. You’re not worth anyone's time.

Your eye sockets are covered with the now stream of tears flowing from your eyes. Weak. You blindly reach out and grope around, searching for your dresser. Your hand hits the cold wood, and you blink away your pathetic tears as you move your hand to the bottom drawer.

The nail is right where you left it, sitting in between the piles of shorts strewn around in the draw. Grabbing it you lay back down on your bed, now aware of the lack of knocking.

You would feel upset, and abandoned, knowing Alphys just gave up on you like that, but you know you deserve it. It's only a good thing she gave up on you. 

You were worried about Papyrus finding your dust, but now it is less of a concern. If he was told you were on vacation by friends, he would eventually catch on. He isn't dumb. And now, he'll have your dust. Not that that's important to you, but monsters like to spread the dust of their deceased loved ones on their favorite object. And Papyrus loves you. He shouldn't, but he does. It's in his nature. 

And hey, maybe you'll see everyone in the next RESET, and not be such a mess up next time. You'd rather the world didn't RESET though, allowing everyone to move on and forget you, realizing how much you weighed them down. But it doesn't matter. Nothing does.

Should you be feeling things right now? Dread? Guilt? Regret? You feel nothing but numb. Raising the nail above your bare chest, you feel nothing inside you. Empty. Hollow. Exactly the the fake smile and façade you put on that seems to be fooling people less and less.

There is all of a sudden a new, fiercer pounding on the door, and you wish whoever it is would leave you be. You don't deserve to be cared about.

There are also voices you hear shouting from the other side, but you try and tune them out. You don't deserve their pity. You don't deserve their kindness. You don't deserve their forgiveness.

One hit. That's all it should take. One hit and this constant nightmare will stop, if only for a short while. But you need a break. And everyone needs a break from you.

You raise the nail higher, extending your arms as far up as they can go, ignoring the shouts that now sound like whispers compared to the voices in your mind. 

One hit, with the intent to kill.

One hit.

All you see is the breaking of your weak ribs as you smash the nail down into your chest.

You don't see Papyrus break down the door moments after.

You don't see a panicking Alphys come rushing in after him.

You don't see the worried faces of Asgore, Toriel, and Undyne standing in the hallway.

You don't see Frisk hurrying behind Alphys with a guilty look and tears rushing down their face already.

Dust is dripping off your bones.

.0000000001/1 HP


	10. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh?! What's this? Another update in the middle of the week? Sorry about the random updates during the middle of the week, I just get really excited about posting chapters and can't wait until the weekend lol. Anyways, OH MY GOD the feedback on the last chapter was amazing! Sorry for leaving everyone on a cliffhanger, but I guess this early chapter make up for that? Just want to say thanks for all the Kudos and comments, I really do appreciate them! Here's the next chapter.

Darkness. All you can see is darkness. You hear distant voices, some pleading, then some crying, then none at all. Everything is dark.

You can’t feel anything, but why does that matter? Does it matter? Who are you? All you know is the darkness that overflows your mind, seeping into your soul. You neither see nor remember anything else. 

But then a distant memory pulls at your mind. You grasp onto it, the only thing you can seem to bind yourself to in this dark place. Papyrus. Who is he? Someone important. Someone great.

Slowly but surely, more memories seem to drift into place. Slowly but surely, you regain yourself. Sans. That’s you. Papyrus. Your amazing brother. Alphys. Frisk. Toriel. Undyne. Asgore.

But then, why are you here? Why are you in this place devoid of all light?

Suddenly, there is a searing pain in your chest with a pounding headache to accompany it. You move to hold your ribs, but find your arm is lead, too heavy to be moved. The pain is almost too unbearable that you cannot regain your senses, but by some miracle you do.

There is something solid and warm that you’re laying on, but how did you get here? You open your eyes slowly, afraid of the oncoming light. Your vision is hazy as you try to take in your surroundings. It’s not as light as you originally thought, it seems like the lights are turned off. But why? Where are you?

Another wave of pain rolls over your ribs, making you, again involuntarily try to move your arm. But again, it does not work. However you’re starting to regain feeling in your limbs.

You try to turn your head to the side, making the splitting headache worse than it already is. You see an outline of a figure passed out, sitting in a chair adjacent to your position. Your vision clears as you try to adjust your eyes, and you notice it’s Papyrus. But what is he doing here? What are you doing here?

You now focus your priorities on sitting up. You’re not going to get anything accomplished without doing that first. Starting off with wiggling your fingers, you make the way up through the rest of your body.

The process is painstakingly long, but you eventually feel capable of moving every bone in your body. Now comes the tough part however. Sitting up. You don’t want to move your chest more then you have to, seeing as even small movements hurt, so you start with grounding your hands behind you and pushing yourself up into a sitting position. 

It hurts, so, so bad. Every time your ribs move the slightest bit, it sends out shots of agony throughout your chest. But you do it. You prop yourself up against the pillow behind you, and take a small breather before trying to analyze your surroundings.

It seems you’re in a bed. Not your own bed, but a comfortable one at that. Papyrus is sleeping in the chair beside your bed, looking like he hasn’t slept in a while. You now happen to notice a smaller figure huddled tight in his lap. Frisk. Like Papyrus, they are sound asleep, but they have dark circles under their eyes, barely noticeable in the dim lighting.

You look back at the bed you are in, wondering how you got here, and why Frisk and Papyrus are here to. You decide to take off the blanket you have just now realized you were covered in, and notice the large bandages covering your otherwise exposed ribcage. How did those get ther- Oh.

Your memory of the last day hits you like a brick to the face. How could you? How could you do that to someone as innocent as Papyrus? Why are you even alive right now?

Your brain is bombarded with your own questions, and you are too caught up in your musings to notice Frisk slowly opening their eyes. What you do notice is when their eyes lock onto yours, and they let out a loud gasp as they quickly jump off Papyrus and run to your side.

“I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry!” The mumble, as they gently wrap their arms around you in a delicate hug, careful not to disturb your chest.

“wh-” You try, but you instantly realize how weak and croaky your voice sounds. Frisk rushes to grab you a glass of water conveniently placed on a table beside your bed, and you sign thanks as they hand it to you.

After taking a sip you start again, voice still weak, but not as bad as before, “what are you apologizing for kid?”

They go back to signing, saying, ‘It’s my fault! I made you sad.’

You sadly sigh before replying, “kid. i’ve been sad way before you came along. all this-” You gesture to your injuries, “is nothing but my fault. i should be the one saying sorry for...this.”

If you felt guilty about your mistakes before, this is on a whole other scale. You failed at getting rid of yourself. And, at least judging from Papyrus and Frisk, it seems as though everyone’s been worried about you. At least you dying would have yielded some positive results, but now you’re still around making everyone’s lives more miserable.

“i... i’m sorry.”

Frisk is about to sign something when you both notice movement from beside you.

“SANS!”

Papyrus springs up from the chair, all drowsiness forgotten.

“OH MY GOD I WAS SO WORRIED!”

He quickly makes his way over to you, with tears threatening to spill from his eye sockets.

“h-hey bro.” You try to maintain a normal voice, but Papyrus notices how tired and weak your voice sounds.

“I...I SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET ALPHYS.”

He turns out of the room, leaving Frisk and you alone again for the time being. You sigh softly, realizing the impact your actions had on Papyrus. How could you do this to him? To everyone? In the house no less. Selfish. Failure. Worthless.

You didn’t even realize how tightly you were digging fingers into your wrist until Frisk carefully pulls your hand away. 

‘sorry’, you sign, voice still weak, as you look down at your wrist, looking freshly bandaged.

Both of you sit there in an uncomfortable silence, both wanting to say something, but not being able to find the proper words to express yourself. It’s not until Alphys bursts in the door, quickly followed by Papyrus, Undyne, Toriel, and Asgore, that the silence is broken.

Alphys is the first to speak as she comes over to you, “Sans! I w-was so worried w-when you j-just disappeared! A-and I didn’t k-know where y-you went, but then I h-heard sounds f-from y-your room, b-but you w-wouldn’t answer the d-door when I knocked, a-and- I’m so sorry!” She starts to sob in her hands, and you remind yourself that you’re the cause of this. You’re the cause of Alphys’ misery.

“Dude. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Undyne says in a somber tone as she walks over to comfort Alphys. 

“Sans, I just want you to know we are here for you if you ever feel like… this again. I-I just…” Toriel starts to break down as Asgore places a comforting paw on her shoulder, “I can’t lose you too! Chara...Chara died by taking their own life. And I, I didn’t realize until it was too late. Just, please, please, promise me, us, you’ll tell us if you feel like, like this, again.”

Papyrus, who has been silent this whole time, finally speaks up.

“WHY?” He says, and starts sobbing loudly. “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?” He continues, voice breaking on the last word.

“i…” How do you explain this? How do you explain the crushing hopelessness you feel, not knowing if you’re going to be waking back up to the cream ceiling of Snowdin, or the blue one on the surface? How do you explain your worthlessness at failing to stop the anomaly? How do you explain your failure at saving him from his descent into insanity, then failing to save Papyrus from his experiments resulting from that? 

“i…” 

“It was me.” Frisk says, gathering everyone’s attention, then changing back to signing, ‘Sans, I’m going to tell them.”

“kid, ya don’t have to.” You say, “not like it matters anyway.” mumbling the last part as more of an afterthought. 

“W-what are y-you talking about?”

“WHAT DOESN’T MATTER?”

You sigh as you sign to Frisk, ‘do you really want to do this?’

‘Sans. This is it. No more RESETS. I promise.’

Frisk’s eyes are pleading with you to understand, and you shrug. You don’t have anything to lose. You can’t be more disappointing then you already are. Now everyone will know how you failed them, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

Everyone in the room is staring at you and Frisk with confused looks on their faces, searching for an explanation. You take another sip from the glass of water, and tell Frisk that you’ll talk about it, seeing as it would be easier to understand without signing.

You feel empty, hollow, numb. Nothing matters. You don’t matter. This conversation doesn’t matter. It will all be gone soon. RESET. It doesn’t matter that you’re telling everyone how many times you failed them. It doesn’t matter that they’ll be sympathetic. It doesn’t matter that you’re worthless. It. Doesn’t. Matter.

You start.

You start with the multiple timeline theory, something only Alphys understands, but then you use the Schrodinger’s cat paradox to explain it to everyone else. You talk about Determination, and the properties it has with time, SAVING and RESETTING. You talk about Alphys’ Determination experiments, which everyone knows about what happened to the monsters, but nobody knows what happens when you inject it into a non-sentient being. You talk about Flowey, the golden flower covered in the dust of Asriel and injected with Determination. You watch the horrified expressions of everyone, particularly Alphys, Asgore, and Toriel, as you tell them about the reincarnated soulless version of the prince. You tell about how Flowey could RESET and SAVE, causing the same day to be lived over and over and over and over…

You talk about the horrific things the soulless prince did, befriending everyone only to strike them down the next timeline. You tell them how you remember every single timeline. You don’t say why though. Then you tell them about the day Frisk fell. The day the flower’s Determination was overridden by a stronger one.

You talk about how many times you have gotten to the surface, only to have it wrenched away from you. Then you talk about how Frisk got bored, and started killing. Scarce at first, but then escalating on to full on genocide of the monsterkind. You tell about how many times you had to watch Papyrus die. How many times you had to watch everyone die. Only doing something about it when there was no hope left. You tell them of the first fallen child, awoken by Frisk’s Determination, then turned evil by Frisk’s boredom. How Chara gradually took over Frisk’s body, power-crazed and pumped up on LV. You talk about how Chara was in control of many more timelines, until Frisk realized that they were the consequences of their actions. You tell, how by some miracle, Frisk had managed to help Chara, both coming to a mutual agreement to not kill, and not be killed. To give everyone a life on the surface. You don’t say you don’t believe them. However, you do describe, in detail, every time you failed everyone. Every time you gave up on stopping the anomaly. 

You tell them all of this, but don’t feel a thing.

Everyone was silent as you told your story, and still are as you finish. They send you pitying glances that you don’t deserve. Frisk is the first to cut the silence.

“I’m sorry.”

Everyone is quick to forgive them, you knew they would, but they all send worried glances your way. You stare down at your broken chest, hating the fact that you’re still here. Why couldn’t you get a break? Even for a little while. If everyone really wants to help, they could have let you take a break from life. Until the inevitable next RESET.

You look up as Papyrus starts in his unusually quiet voice, “How many?”

You look back down at your ribcage as you respond, “as soon as i realized the kid was doing it, i tried counting, but lost count at about six hundred. probably way into the thousands now.”

You feel the eyes of everyone’s stares on you, probably judging you saying, ‘You had that many chances, but you still messed up every one?’ You agree. You failed everyone thousands of times. Thousands of RESETS, and you couldn’t get one right. You’re very tempted to rip the bandages off your chest and smash your ribs in again, but you don’t think you’d get far with everyone in the room. Because they care about you. For some reason.

“Oh Sans!” Toriel says, tears in her eyes, before coming over to you a gently pulling you into a hug. Papyrus follows suite, already crying, and everyone else soon joins in. You all stand there, in a giant group hug, many people crying. They care about you. They care about your wellbeing. You don’t know why they do, they shouldn’t, but they do. And the numbness fades just a little, replaced with a small warmth in your chest. It’s the smallest amount, and you know it won’t last long, but right now you embrace it, and think,

Maybe being here isn’t so bad.


	11. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Didn't save me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this still count as Saturday? Sorry that I'm posting this like super late, but I wanted this chapter to be good and not super short so I added to it. Anyways like always, comments and Kudos are GREATLY appreciated, and here's chapter 11~

You don’t know when you fell asleep, but you assume it was shortly after your group hug. Now, you groggily sit up, and your head spins as your eyes adjust to the light that’s on. Once you focus, you can see Papyrus chatting with Alphys in the corner of the room. A pain wracks your chest suddenly, causing you to try and stifle a groan, but they hear you and rush over.

“OH SANS! YOU’RE UP. ARE YOU OKAY?”

“yeah m’fine.” You lie.

“Are y-you sure? W-we can get you m-more pain medicine i-if you need it.”

Reconsidiring, there’s really no point in lying anymore; they’ve already seen you at one of your lowest points. “actually... my rib cage hurts still.”

“Oh! I-i’ll go a-and get you something f-for that!”

Alphys scurries out of the room, and you’re left with Papyrus, who no doubt has some questions.

“i’m...i’m sorry.”

Papyrus wordlessly comes closer to your bed and pulls you into a gentle hug.

“IT’S OKAY… I WAS JUST S-SO SCARED!” He pauses before adding in a lower voice, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner. I should’ve realized something was wrong when your HoPe dropped the first time! You had to go through all of that! I can’t…” His voice breaks, and he pauses a moment to recollect himself, “I can’t imagine, how… how tough that must have been.”

“paps it’s not your fault.” You say, still in the hug, feeling wet tears dripping steadily onto your back. “you couldn’t have done anything.”

But you could have. You could’ve tried.

“And you made it through! I could’ve never, ever been as strong as you!”

“paps... i would never wish the memories on you, but, i’m sure you would've done a better job in my place…”

“NONSENSE! FROM WHAT YOU TOLD US, YOU TRIED TO STOP THE HUMAN! YOU TRIED TO BEFRIEND THEM EVERY TIME THEY WERE MERCIFUL. AND WHEN THEY WERE NOT...WELL FROM WHAT YOU TOLD ME, I SPARED THEM, AND I WILL STICK WITH THAT STANCE… BUT YOU DID WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT! YOU TRIED TO STOP THEM.”

By killing them until they gave up. Which they never did. You unwrap your arms from Papyrus and look down at the floor. He shouldn’t be proud of you. You did nothing. You didn’t stop the anomaly. Being friends with Frisk did nothing. Killing the kid did nothing. Your efforts did nothing.

“SANS…” Papyrus says, noticing your odd behavior. He goes back to a quieter voice, “You know you can tell me what you’re thinking. I have an idea of why you kept the timelines thing a secret. Maybe because you thought telling us wouldn’t matter because of the RESET? But I think… I think you though we would be… burdened by you?”

He asks the last part as a question, even though you have a feeling he knows the truth. But it’s true, you shouldn’t burden him or anyone with your problems.

You look up at Papyrus, but give no response so he continues, “But that’s preposterous! Why would anyone be burdened by you?”

Because you do nothing to help? Because you failed everyone? Because their lives would be easier without you around? It seems like a rhetorical question though, so you opt to stay quiet.

“Sans… I just want you to know i’ll always be there for you. And I would never be burdened by your issues. So please, please, tell me if you ever feel… like this… again.”

“i... i will. i promise.”

Papyrus seems overjoyed at your words, and again pulls you into a hug, and both of you sit there in silence a moment longer. Out of all the promises you made, you’ve failed to keep them. But this one… this one you’ll truly try not to break. If not for your sake, for Papyrus’.

Alphys comes in a short while later holding a small white bottle of pills.

“H-here!” She hands the bottle over to you while Papyrus goes and sits on the chair next to your bed to give you room. “Umm, you should take a whole pill every six hours, and once the pain goes down a b-bit, you should take a half pill.”

“thanks alph.” As an afterthought you add, “is there anything else i need to know?”

“W-well” Alphys starts, suddenly more nervous than usual, “There is o-one t-thing. Umm… Your m-max HP. Its, um, gone d-down a bit.”

Papyrus glances over at you, gauging your expression. It seems he already knows about your HP drop. You try your best to keep up a non-faltering smile.

It’s not exactly surprising to you that your maximum HoPe dropped. Why it dropped is an easy question. You were at one of your lowest points before. How low it got is what you want to know. You didn’t even know HP could go below one.

“H-here i’ll check y-you…” Alphys comes over to your bedside.

Sans  
.75/.75 HP  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
Weak physically and mentally

Looks like your description changed too. How fitting. “oh, that sucks.”

“SANS IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? DO YOU NOT CARE Y-” He cuts himself off, probably realizing that you don’t care.

Alphys thankfully fills the silence before it gets too unbearable, “W-well! There is a w-way to f-fix it! It’s m-more mental than p-physical, s-so it might b-be hard. But it’s technically n-not permanent!”

Papyrus’ blank face morphs into a worried one as Alphys talks. Noticing this she adds, “W-wow I m-made that sound r-really bad. Umm, w-with help Sans can b-boost his maximum HP b-back to one. Or e-even more than one! It’s j-just going to t-take a b-bit of time…”

“THAT’S GREAT! EVERYONE CAN HELP SANS GET BETTER!”

You’re too enthralled by his enthusiasm to point out that you can’t fix what’s broken. You can’t simply be helped to overcome your fear of RESETS that’s still prominent. You can’t be helped with _him_ because nobody even remembers him. You can’t be fixed.

“Papyrus? C-can you g-go get Sans some f-food? A-and you c-can tell everyone t-that they can come in if t-they want.”

“OF COURSE!” Papyrus says as he rushes out of the room.

“D-don’t worry, I already t-told him n-not t-to bring you spaghetti. I d-doubt that actually h-heals any HP.” Alphys says with a small laugh.

“it actually doesn’t.” You say with a small amount of humor. “alph, i doubt you just wanted Papyrus to get food. what did you wanna talk ‘bout?

“Do y-you know how long you w-were out for originally?”

You shurg and she continues, “Three days, Sans. Papyrus w-was worried sick and s-so was everyone else. I w-was s-so scared that you… t-that you…” She starts to break down and you open your arms, indicating a hug. She gladly accepts, and you feel her trembling in your hold as she speaks again.

“I...I didn’t know it w-was that b-bad! I w-would’ve helped like you d-did f-for me!”

“it’s okay alph.” You say as you rub soothing circles into her back, “it’s okay. it’s not your fault. and look, i’m here right now, right?” You pause to let her try and calm down. You hug for a bit longer until her crying has finally subsided to small whimpers. Then you both pull out of the hug, and you hold her hands in yours.

“Alphys. i wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. you saved me.”

And it’s true. She did save you from killing yourself. You’re not sure whether to love her or hate her for that.

“I’m s-sorry.” She says, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes, “I d-didn’t mean t-to get all emotional l-like t-that.”

You let go of her hands, and she turns the chair Papyrus was sitting in before to face you.

“T-that’s not what I m-meant to s-say, but… Thanks. It h-helped. I w-was trying to say i’m s-sorry I didn’t n-notice sooner. I m-mean, you always said you w-were fine, s-so I just w-went along with it, b-but now I know y-you n-need help. And that’s okay! I d-did too! A-and I t-think we both know t-that loved ones are t-the best to help us. Both y-you and Undyne h-helped me so m-much. B-but I t-think both of us also know t-that s-sometimes...sometimes it t-takes more than t-that.

You think you know where she’s going with this, so you nod in agreement.

“R-remember when I started t-that antidepressant? W-well I t-think it w-would be best for y-you to start one. At l-least until you’re m-more… stable.

“yeah… that might help.”

“Also, i'm s-sorry, b-but we need t-to put you on a s-suicide w-watch. Just… you c-can't be alone.”

You nod in agreement. That was to be expected. It's probably for the better, but now you won't be able to have a second to yourself. Meaning no more tallies. You don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

In an almost perfect timing, Papyrus bursts through the door with a tray precariously balancing a bowl of soup and a glass of water. “HERE WE ARE! EVERYONE ALSO WANTED TO COME UP TO SEE HOW SANS IS DOING!”

He walks over to your bed and gently places the tray on your lap, careful not to disturb your ribs. “HERE YOU GO!”

Frisk peeks their head around the door frame, but once they catch sight of you, they hurry in. As they come up to your bed, Toriel comes in, followed by Asgore and Undyne.

Your attention is drawn back to Frisk when they tap your shoulder lightly, grasping your attention. ‘How are you feeling?’

“i'm better kid, doesn't hurt as much as it did.”

Taking in the kind faces of everyone around you, everyone who cares about you, you apologize. “i just wanted to say… i'm sorry. for all this. i didn't mean to put ya guys through this.”

You are truly sorry. Whether it be for even attempting to take your life in the first place, or failing to succeed, you are sorry. Every outcome of this situation had its positives and negatives. If you didn't try to kill yourself, you would be alive and unhappy, and nobody would know why. If you did die, everyone would mourn, but then realize the bad influence you held on their lives. And now, you're stuck with this outcome, everyone burdened by your secrets and by your attempt for your life. You don't know which is better, but you're failing in each one.

“There's no need to be sorry!”

“We are here for you now!”

“We’ll always be here, punk!”

“It’ll all b-be okay!”

“WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU!”

And Frisk is the last to join in, speaking rather than signing, “We all love you!”

“thanks guys. that, that really means a lot”

You feel tears coming on at your friend's words, and for the first time in a long time, they are not from sadness. They are from happiness. The kindness in your friend's words. Their belief in you. Sure, you probably won't live up to their standards, and you'll probably fail them more often than not, but it seems whatever you do, they'll always care about you.

Everyone stays and chats for a while longer, about innocent topics such as ‘how are monster-human relations going?’ and ‘has anyone looked into a job yet?’. Eventually though, everyone seems to notice you tire, and they reluctantly leave to let you sleep.

You've been lucky the past few nights, not getting any nightmares, and actually being able to sleep peacefully. But as you drift off and close your eyes, your luck soon ends.

White. The snow falls in giant clusters around you, blocking your vision. Suddenly you can make out the shadow of a figure in the distance. They walk closer to you, and as the snow starts to clear you can make out red. Bright red. Red around their neck.

“SANS”

It's Papyrus

“WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE ME? WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE? YOU DIDN’T SAVE ME. DIDN’T SAVE ME. DIDN’T SAVE ME. DIDN’T SA-”

A slice cuts through the air, and you see the slightest hint of blue and pink before you hear the maniacal giggling of _that_ child, which soon fades to the distance. You watch in horror, unable to move as Papyrus’ head comes clean off, landing in a gooey mess of black (where did that come from?). The scarf, still around his neck, twists and folds itself, growing brighter by the second. All the while Papyrus’ skull lays on the ground, changing, molding into a hollow, haunted face with cracks running up and down from the eyes. And soon the newly shaped mouth starts chanting again, “DIDN'T SAVE ME. DIDN'T SAVE ME. DIDN'T SAVE ME…”

The blackness sweeps up the skull, mounting it on a deformed body where the darkness keeps growing and growing and growing and… Between the darkness are two more pieces of bone, vaguely recognizable as hands if not for the gaping holes positioned in the center of them.

Your attention is brought back to the scarf, making it's way into the grasp of the hands, changing even more to look like a malformed needle filled with red. The chanting continues and you can't take it anymore. You try running away, but it is as if you are a statue, stuck standing in one place unable to move.

“DIDN'T SAVE ME.”

You didn't save Papyrus.

“DIDN'T SAVE ME.”

You didn't save him.

“DIDN'T SAVE ME.”

You didn't save anyone from the resets.

“DIDN’T”

You gave up.

“SAVE”

You broke promises.

“ME”

You failed.

 

You awake with a shout.


	12. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first of all, we almost reached 300 Kudos! Like, wow! Thank you everyone so much. Comments and Kudos are greatly, greatly appreciated.
> 
> IMPORTANT PLEASE READ  
> Before you get into this chapter, I have a couple things to say first:
> 
> 1.) I have never experienced a panic attack before, and therefore don't know exactly what it feels like. However, I did incorporate a panic attack in this chapter, so it may be poorly written, and if anyone has any insight on it, I will gladly rewrite the scene.
> 
> 2.) On a lighter note, I was "researching" bed puns for this chapter (I ended up using one I already knew) and I came across this beautiful quote, "Nothing really mattress." It didn't really fit for the scene, but It was too perfect not to include, so it is this chapter's summary.
> 
> 3.) There is an ungodly amount of metaphors in this chapter for some reason. I have no idea why.
> 
> That's about it, so I hope you enjoy this chapter, and also HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

“SANS!”

Papyrus? Why is he coming closer to you? He hates you. You failed him. You let him die.

“ARE YOU OKAY?”

You can't take the genuine concern in his voice as he comes closer to you. Why is he concerned. He should hate you. He does hate you.

Papyrus slows when he realized you started shaking, rattling the whole bed frame with your tremors. “Sans…”

“i'm sorry.”

“What are you sorry fo-”

You cut him off with more apologies. “i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i failed you i can't do anything right! please don't hate me! i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!”

“Sans, please calm down. I could never, ever, hate you.” He says as he makes his way over to your bedside. “Please, tell me what's wrong.”

You start hyperventilating because Papyrus shouldn't care about you. He should hate you. He probably does hate you. Just hiding it behind faux concern.

“Sans, please try to calm down,” He says in his sickeningly sweet voice, laced with a kindness you don't deserve. “Try to take breathes. I'm going to get Alphys, okay? I'll be right back.”

Without so much as waiting for a response he hurries towards the door and quickly makes his way out of the room. 

Now Alphys is coming here. And you're sure she hates you. Why shouldn't she? You weren't there for her when she needed it. You broke your promise. 

Your chest feels tight and in pain as you struggle to take in gasps of air. Alphys comes through the door and hurries over to you, taking in your horrible state. How pathetic you must look right now. Not that she cares. Because you know she doesn't. Because you failed her.

“i'm sorry!”

“Sans. Can you listen t-to me please? I want y-”

“i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry! please don't hate me! i didn't mean- i didn't- i-i…” Your voice is cut off by a loud sob, and it takes you a moment to realize that you were the one crying. Weak.

“Sans. Can y-you tell me where we are?”

You try to look around, the the surroundings all are blurring together, an indecipherable string of scenes. You look back at Alphys, who seems to be awaiting a response. You shake your head no, and Alphys looks worried. You probably messed up. Again.

“Can you t-try and tell me what i'm wearing?”

You look below her face and make out a long white jacket. A lab coat. Seems old habits die hard.

“a-” Your voice breaks on the first word, so you try to take a few breaths before speaking again. “a l-lab coat.”

“Good! C-can you tell me w-what Papyrus is wearing?”

Papyrus? He's here? You try and look around the room again, and are surprised to see a blob of red and blue, that soon focuses into a vaguely recognizable Papyrus. 

“uh he's w-wearing a-a red t-shirt and-and jeans.”

“And what c-color are the flowers on t-that table?”

Alphys extends a hand gesturing to brightly colored vase filled with blue roses. Someone probably got those for you.

“t-they are blue.”

“And w-what about the walls? what color are t-they?”

“yellow.”

You're starting to get confused as you regain your senses. Why is Alphys asking all these questions?

“And what d-day of the week is it?”

Looking over at the calendar posted on the wall with passed dates marked off, you respond quickly. 

“tuesday.”

You interrupt Alphys right when she's about to ask another question.

“uh wait. why are you doing this?”

Noticing your more or less stable state now, Alphys responds, “Sans, you w-were having a panic attack, and as s-soon as Papyrus t-told me what was happening, I recognized t-the symptoms. I’m n-not exactly a stranger to them myself.”

She chuckles humorlessly at herself, no doubt hating herself for issues you could have prevented.

“The questions distracted you right? Y-you were able to f-focus better.”

Papyrus comes over and stands beside Alphys, giving you a sympathetic look.

“I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU JUST STARTED HYPERVENTILATING AND I COULDN’T HELP YOU BY MYSELF.”

“pap, it's okay. i'm okay now, right?”

“I KNOW… BUT WHAT HAPPENED SANS? I JUST HEARD YOU SCREAM SUDDENLY, AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.”

“it was nothing.”

Papyrus doesn't need to know about your nightmares. He doesn't need another reason to worry about you. 

“SANS. PLEASE STOP THIS. STOP LYING. YOU OBVIOUSLY HAD A BAD DREAM OR SOMETHING, SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL ME?”

Bad dream was an understatement. But Papyrus doesn't need to know that. 

“yeah. i guess it was just a bad dream. sorry i overreacted a bit there.”

“SANS COME ON. YOU HAD A PANIC ATTACK! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT IT WAS ABOUT, BUT PLEASE DON’T STRAIGHT UP LIE TO ME LIKE THAT. I’M NOT A CHILD. DO YOU THINK I’M DUMB?”

“paps you know i don't think you're dumb. you're like the smartest person i know.”

You pause a second in thought, seeing how you can get Papyrus to drop the conversation.

“but yeah. you're right. it was a pretty bad dream.”

“BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT?”

You sigh and turn yourself away from Papyrus. It seems Alphys left the room sometime during your conversation, probably to give you both some privacy. That was nice of her.

“i just… i’d prefer not to talk about it.”

“THAT'S OKAY. WOULD YOU RATHER I TALK ABOUT MY PLANS FOR THE SURFACE!?”

You assume Papyrus is doing this for you, to help you get your mind off things. You appreciate it right now, there's nothing like listening to Papyrus to clear your head.

So Papyrus talks about his plans for the surface. He talks about the job he wants, all the nice humans he will meet, and has met already, etc. You occasionally join in with a well timed pun, but for the most part you chose to keep quiet and listen to Papyrus. He really is the coolest.

However, soon the conversation tapers off into less comfortable territory.

“SO, UM, ALPHYS TOLD ME THAT SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TALK BETWEEN US.” You nod, and Papyrus continues, albeit quieter, “It was just because I didn't know what to do. She is a doctor after all.” He pauses slightly, most likely figuring out how to word his next sentence, “ I… was told a lot of things about HP. About HoPe. I already knew the basics, but Alphys… cleared some things up for me. She said that you can only lose HP when you lose hope. Hope for the future. I know so didn't understand at the time, and I am truly sorry for that,” He shouldn't be, “But I understand why you lost hope. You were repeating the same day over and over, but to me it was so sudden. I should've known something was amiss. I'm so, so, sorry.”

“Papyrus please. don't be sorry. it wasn't your fault. it was more mine than anything.” For not stopping the RESETS.

“Sans, please don't blame yourself for this.” Noticing your lack of response he goes on, “Anyways, I understand why you lost HoPe. That time.”

You should've know Papyrus would bring this up sooner or later. He probably wants to know why he has a gaping hole in his memory, and what happened during that time to cause your first decrease in HP.

“Sans, what happened the first time? I just- I can't remember. Why can't I remember!? It's something important, right? I can't remember anything from when we were younger, it's just like my memories disappeared!”

Because they did. Everyone's memories wiped clean of any evidence of him. Your smile falters for a second as you're lost deep in thought, reminiscing about times that never happened, and your failure that no one remembers.

“Sans? Are you okay? You don't have to talk about what happened, but please be honest.”

“i'm fine.” You say, lying straight through your teeth. You seem to be saying ‘i’m fine’ a lot actually, without actual truth behind the words.

Papyrus huffs in annoyance, so you continue speaking, “it doesn't really matter anymore anyways.”

And it doesn't. You're the only one who remembers. Everyone else has moved on without him in their lives. You should just suck it up and stop being so pathetic and selfish about the situation.

“Well if it bothers you, of course it matters!”

But it doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. You don't matter.

“nah, it really doesn’t, i like, completely forgot about it until you brought it up.”

You try to convince Papyrus with an obviously strained smile, so obvious that you have no doubt Papyrus noticed. He hums in a sense of agreement, probably only dropping the subject because of your blatant distaste of it. You know however, that Papyrus will bring this back up, and you need to prepare a response that will fully satisfy him without actually telling him what happened.

“Ok… Alphys wanted me to let you know that you'll probably be able to leave this room soon. Your injuries are almost healed.” He says the last sentence with a somber tone. “You might want to get some sleep now.”

Yeah, like that'll happen. It's best to agree so he doesn't worry.

“uh Papyrus? how long have you been in here. when's the last time you slept in your bed?”

Now thinking about it, Papyrus has been in the room every time you woke up, and you're sure he was there almost the whole time you were sleeping.

“Well I haven't slept in my bed since...that… but-” He catches opening your mouth, about to retort, “Before you say anything, I HAVE been sleeping, just in this room. You have to imagine how scared I was when-when we found you.” He chokes up for a moment, then composes himself, “I'm sure you would've done the same thing in my place.”

“yeah, i guess that's true.” And it is because Papyrus is the brightest light in your life, and you already know what happens when that light gets put out. You just shouldn't be Papyrus’ light, as he deserves so much better. “just promise me you'll go and get some sleep. please.”

“But somebody needs to watch y-”

“Papyrus, you need to sleep. i can tell you're tired.”

“Same can be said for you.”

“just get somebody else to watch me tonight. i promise i'll be fine.”

“I… I guess I can. Here,” He walks over to the your bedside table and grabs the pill bottle, “You should take these.”

He uncaps the bottle then hands you a pill, and you dry swallow it before he can even turn around to grab the glass of water.

“Okay, I guess i'll go get someone to watch you now.”

“see you tomorrow paps.”

“See you tomorrow. Just don't do anything stupid when i'm gone.” He says it in a light, joking tone, but you catch the true meaning behind his words.

As he walks out the door, you're left alone with your thoughts for the first time in a while. You allow yourself to reflect on this timeline so far. 

Papyrus now knows about your tallies, along with Alphys, who had no idea you started scaring yourself again. Although you don't remember much from after your… incident… you pieced together that Papyrus and everyone else found you almost a second after you broke your ribs. And that was a cause for everyone to worry itself. But then you had to tell them about the timelines. The timelines you failed them. The timelines you gave up. The timelines they shouldn't be burdened with the knowledge of. Then, the cherry on top, the panic attack you had a short while ago. 

Your mind is conflicted on different feelings running throughout your brain. Different voices speaking their opinions on the issues at hand. But it seems as if they can all agree on one point: You messed up. Oh, you messed up so badly. And the worst part is you don't know if you want the timeline to RESET or not.

Of course though, you rationalize, if the timeline were to truly RESET, you don't think you could function. If you went through all this, and it didn't even matter. But nothing ever matters, and fate is a sharp sword, always stabbing you in the back when you least expect it.

“Hello Sans!”

Toriel quietly comes in the door, pulling you out of your thoughts. She grabs a chair and pulls it next to your bed.

“Thank you for telling Papyrus to get some sleep. He's been worrying over you constantly. He really needed some rest.”

“you're welcome. and, uh, sorry. for this.”

“It's quite alright Sans!” She says with a somewhat forced cheer, “How are you feeling though?”

“m’fine. just had a little bit of a rough wake up call is all.”

You spare her the details, she doesn't really need to know about your mental breakdown before. You are grateful for her lack of questioning about the subject.

“I'm sorry to hear that. Papyrus said you should probably go to sleep right now. He was very adamant about that fact.”

“hey tori, did you hear about the guy the police were looking for?”

“I do not believe I have. What happened?”

“well he was a person of great intorest”

You listen to Toriel’s laugh, loud, but not obnoxious, as you feign a yawn and roll over to your side. Your ribs ache a bit at the movement, but the medicine is starting to kick in, and the pain dulls.

Looking at the clock on the wall, you notice it's late, 11:18. 

“hey tori, you should probably get some sleep. i'm sure that chair’s not the most comfortable but… ya gotta rest too.”

“ I probably will in a little bit, and don't worry about the chair, i'm sure it's fine.”

But it's not fine, because she wouldn't even have to be here, watching over you, if it were not for your stupid mistakes.

“night tori.” You say, trying to make your voice sound as if you were on the edge of sleep.

“Goodnight Sans. Sweet dreams.”

Yeah that's not going to happen.

You stay still on your side, occasionally moving to fake a deep sleep. Eventually, you hear Toriel shuffling around to get into a comfortable sleeping position. As her breathing evens out, and she begins snoring gently, you turn and lay on your back.

You want to sleep, you truly do, but after your crude awakening before, it's not an idea you want to entertain. You only feigned sleeping so nobody would worry about you, as it should be. You've already caused enough trouble. Enough trouble for a lifetime.

You lay, staring up at the yellow ceiling, mind wandering over useless things that you don't even try to focus on. The background sound of Toriel deep breaths and soft snores are a familiar stranger in a sea of thoughts. It's only until a small beam of light peaks through the half closed blinds that you realize how quickly the time had passed.

Although it wasn't sleep, it wasn't bad to have a blank mind for a while. Soon it will be filled with insecurities and reminders of failure. But right now you embrace the moment and take this opportunity to halt the storm of your mind.


	13. Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get some things off your chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I can't believe we've reached over 300 Kudos! If someone told me when I started writing this, that this many people would actually like my writing, I would've thought they were joking. Also, all of the comments you guys leave are great. I never would've expected this much support! I don't really have much more to say except you guys are awesome, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

It’s not until later in the morning that you hear the door creak open slowly, and you automatically close your eyes. The person coming in seems to be trying very hard to be quiet, but you still recognize the familiar stomping of boots on the ground.  Papyrus.

From what you can assume, it’s still early, and you wish Papyrus would still be sleeping instead of checking on you. Because he shouldn’t have to check on you. And lose sleep to see you.

It seems as though your blank mind is again being filled with negative thoughts, and you pretend to wake up so you can talk to Papyrus. Hopefully talking to him will help get your head distracted from its thoughts.

You hear Papyrus grabbing a folding chair from the corner of the room, and he starts to set it up next to your bed, you slowly open your eyes. 

“OH SANS! YOU’RE AWAKE.” Papyrus says in a shouted whisper, as Toriel is still in the room, “HOW DID YOU SLEEP?”

“good.” Will you ever be able to stop lying?

“I’M SORRY, DID I WAKE YOU COMING IN? I WAS TRYING TO BE QUIET. YOU CAN GO BACK TO SLEEP IF YOU WANT.”

“nah, it’s okay, you didn’t wake me. and i’m, uh, not really tired right now.”

“OH, OKAY. UMM… DO YOU WANT TO… TALK. ABOUT THIS. I KNOW WE DID BUT… WE REALLY DIDN’T.” He looks at you will a pleading expression before speaking even quieter, “Why? All of this. Your arm too.”

“well, i…” How do you explain this? Do you tell him the truth. The whole pathetic truth of how you had to tally the amount of days on the surface on your arm? Speaking of which, you haven’t been keeping them up. It hasn’t bothered you yet, but you’re sure once you get out of this room, it might become an issue.

“they are… to keep track.” You say quietly, words barely audible in your hushed tone.

“Keep track? Keep track of what?”

You take a deep breath as you try and figure out what to explain. You really, really don’t want to tell Papyrus about how crazy you are, marking yourself to remember. But it’s not like you can mess this timeline up anymore. You’ve already shown everyone what a coward you are. And hey, maybe telling Papyrus will help.

“well, we’ve been on the surface before, right?”

Papyrus nods hesitantly, seemingly trying to wrap his mind about the whole timelines thing once again. 

“well, for all i know, it could be taken away right now. and we’d be back in the underground.”

You look down at your chest, knowing you would be unable to continue had you kept looking at Papyrus’ increasingly sympathetic expression.

“i kept track. of the days on the surface. to remember where we were. like tallies. as soon as we were back underground, the tallies would be gone.”

You keep looking down, ashamed now that Papyrus knows how weak you are. How crazy you are for making tallies on your arm to keep track of days.

“I’m sorry.”

“what?”

“Sans, i’m so, so sorry.” He says, breaking into tears. “I-I didn’t realize. I was so focused on the bad memories, the bad timelines, that I didn’t even realize how the good ones must have affected you!”

He pulls you into a hug, trying to compose himself as he says, “I’m sorry that must’ve been so hard! I can’t imagine how- how you-” He cuts himself off with another round of tears as you just sit there trying to comfort him.

“it’s okay, it’s not your fault paps.” It’s yours. Look at how upset Papyrus is because of you. Because you couldn’t hide your problems well enough.

“I-i’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get like that.” He says while standing up and releasing you from the hug, “It’s just… I can’t imagine going through  that.”

“that’s good. you shouldn’t have to.”

“You shouldn’t have had to either!” 

But you kind of did deserve it. Maybe you just deserve to suffer because of the wrongs in your past.

Noting your lack of response, Papyrus continues, a few stray tears still falling from his eye sockets, “But… Your other arm. That wasn’t there before.” He says, pointing to your bandaged wrist.

“Why did you do that?” Papyrus no doubt knows that those recent marks weren’t tallies. “And… so many…” He says, looking on the verge of breaking down again.

“i deserved it.” You say, so quietly that you doubt Papyrus even heard. And you hope he doesn’t, as you immediately regret saying that outloud. But of course, like always, fate has different plans for you. 

“Sans, you don’t-” He starts, voice at the lowest volume you’ve ever heard, “You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve pain.”

He stops speaking to gauge your reaction, but all you do is remain silent, gazing deeper into the blanket on your lap. The only sound in the room is Toriel’s snores, and had you not been in this situation, you would’ve wondered how she’d not woken up yet.

“Why would you think that? There’s no reason to. You’ve done nothing wrong.” He says, voice pleading with you to understand. But you’ve done everything wrong. Even excluding RESETS. Everything with  _ him _ . Failure to save him from his insanity. Failure to save Papyrus from the consequences of his insanity. He wouldn’t have died if you had just tried a little harder, maybe been a better son. Been less weak.

_ You wish Papyrus was here. You don’t like the cold metal table of the examination room. The doctor doesn’t scare you, they’re always welcoming and cheery. But the room, the room has a feeling a dread that just seeps into your bones as you wait for the doctor. Even your father’s comforting presence in the corner in the room isn’t enough to calm your nerves. Papyrus is the only one who helps,filling the room with his warm kindness, overriding the dreadful cold. But your father said Papyrus couldn’t come. _

_ “dad? why do i have to go to the doctor’s anyways? i mean, you’re a doctor.” _

_ “Yes that is true Sans, but i’m not a pediatrician. Or a medical doctor at all for that manner. You know that.” _

_ You sit on the table for a little while longer, nerves rising in anticipation of the doctor’s appearance. Papyrus would’ve been able to distract you.  _

_ “why couldn’t Papyrus come?” _

_ “Well… we feared the topic at hand would be too…” He searches for the right word to describe it, “Intense. You know how it is.” _

_ You do know how it is. How weak you are. You’ve always been the so called ‘runt of the litter’. Your magic is strong, very strong for your age, enough to counter most adults. And your HP isn’t too bad either, being about average with what it should be, as well as your ATK. But your DEF has always been bad. So bad in fact, that even an attack that would cause one point of damage, would injure you severely, or possibly even kill you, regardless of your HP.  _

_ “Sans, is it?” The doctor comes in, drawing you out of your thoughts. _

_ They are a tall, bunny looking monster with light purple fur. They are dressed in a bright white lab coat, which you note is a lot cleaner than your dad's.  _

_ “I’m Charlie!” They say, and you gladly welcome their enthusiasm, as it relieves the tension in the room. _

_ They look at the clipboard in their hands quickly before saying, “So you’re six, huh? It also says here that your birthday’s coming up soon, is that right? Got any plans?” _

_ You nod your head no, still a bit uncomfortable in the cold atmosphere of the room. _

_ “Oh a little shy, are we?” They look over to your dad before adding, “I just need to take some measurements first, and then we’ll talk. Is that okay with you both?” _

_ You again just nod your head, while your father speaks for you. “Yes that’s fine. Go right ahead.” _

_ “Okay Sans, can you just hop onto the scale over here for me? And can you please take off your clothes?”  _

_ Being a skeleton, nudity really isn’t something you care about, as you have nothing to hide. You slowly take off your clothes, ending with your puffy jacket, which makes you seem a lot bigger than you actually are. _

_ You walk over to the scale, which is a lot larger than necessary for you. Even though the numbers are dwindling since being stuck underground, there are still a lot of different types of monsters. All of the doctors had to learn the needs of all the types of monsters, and also have proper equipment to suite everyone.  _

_ You hesitantly step on, wary of the doctor’s response to your weight. Although you’re young, you know you have problems, being too small and too light. You would usually laugh at the fact that you’re a skeleton that’s too light, but you can't really find the humor in it. _

_ You see them frown at the number on the scale after they adjusted it to the right weight, but they quickly cover it up with a forced smile. They obviously hadn’t expected you to be that light. Maybe they were fooled by the jacket before? _

_ “Okay, so if you can step off that and stand over here Sans, that would be great.” They point to an almost bare wall, minus the stadiometer pressed against it. You go over and get your height taken, which you also know is below average, and then they tell you to sit back down on the table. _

_ “I know there’s not exactly a lot of skeletons to go by…” They start, addressing both you and your father, “But we do know the averages they should be around height and weight wise. And Sans is… well he’s underweight, and a bit short for his age.” They quickly add, “But that’s okay! We can fix it. First though, i’m going to have to check you, if that's okay Sans?” _

_ You nod, accepting their request, and they walk over to you. _

_ Sans _

_ 20/20 HP _

_ 50 ATK _

_ 1 DEF _

_ Strong, yet weak _

_ They seem surprised at your stats, whether from the high attack, or from the low defense you don’t know. _

_ “Well… The one DEF explains some of the physical problems Sans has, but there are some ways to get it up! It might take a long time and a lot of effort though.” _

_ You look over at your dad, who has been quiet the whole time. You try to read his almost emotionless expression, and the only thing you can find is a small trace of disappointment and sadness. Probably disappointment in you. For being the weaker son. _

_ “But it’s okay! We’ll figure something out. If you both would follow me into my office after you dress.” They gesture out the door quickly before heading through it themselves. After you quickly put your clothes back on, your dad passes where you are standing. Noticing your reluctance to follow, he takes your hand and says to you, “It’ll be okay.” _

“Sans… I don’t know how to say this in a way you believe it, but you have done nothing wrong. You… You are an amazing big brother, and a great friend to everyone. Everyone cares about you, even if they don’t always show it. And-and I honestly don’t think I would be able to function without you. You’re so, so strong for going through what you went through and making it out of it. So please, don’t blame anything that happened on yourself. There’s no reason to, you did all you could.”

“i’m sorry.”

“Sans don’t say ‘I’m sorry’.”

“so-”

“Sans don’t you dare say you’re sorry for being sorry.”

“heh. sorry paps.” You say, trying to make the conversation lighter.

Papyrus seems to notice this, and joins in with you, “OH MY GOD SANS SERIOUSLY?” His voice is still quiet enough for Toriel to continue sleeping, but loud enough to be considered “Papyrus-like”. “DID YOU JUST APOLOGIZE FOR APOLOGIZING FOR APOLOGIZING?”

“whoops, i didn’t mean to do that. sorry paps.”

“SERIOUSLY SANS. YOU APOLOGIZED FOR APOLOGIZING FOR APOLOGIZING FOR APOLOGIZING. I THINK?”

“What’s going on? Papyrus, I thought you were supposed to go rest for a while.” Toriel says, voice still thick with sleep.

“OH MISS TORIEL, YOU’RE UP!” Papyrus says, speaking a bit louder, “I DID GO SLEEP, I JUST CAME IN THIS MORNING TO SEE HOW SANS IS DOING.”

“I guess that’s fine then. What time is it?”

Both you and Papyrus look up at the clock.

“7:23” you say in unison, but Papyrus being the only voice heard.

“OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT TO MAKE BREAKFAST!” He already halfway to the door before saying, “I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!”

The door closes with a slam and you and Toriel are left in the room. 

“how’d ya sleep tori? was the chair okay?”

“I slept well, thank you for asking. The chair wasn’t too much of a hassle, might be a little bit sore, but that’s nothing to worry about. How did you sleep.”

“good also. hey tori, can ya do me a favor and get Alphys? i wanna talk to her ‘bout something. you’re welcome to come back in though, it’s not really personal.”

“Oh of course Sans! I’ll be right back.”

She leaves, and you are left with your thoughts again. But this time, the voices are quieter. And the warmth that you felt in your chest once is back again. Small but there. Maybe it’s because you got the weight of the tallies off your chest, or maybe Papyrus’ reassurances that it will be okay, and that everyone cares about you. You know it’s far from perfect, but the warmth is there, and for once in your life, you feel like you might be getting better instead of getting worse.


	14. Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is the pain permanent?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, please pardon the word count for this chapter. I'm on vacation, but I still wanted to be able to put something out, so this chapter's about half the usual size. Also, I know everythings been fluffy and cute for the past few chapters, but get ready for a ton of more angst. This chapter is kind of a filler for the last of the fluff, and a segway into rough times. (or should I say bad times?) Anyways, again, i'm so sorry for the length of this chapter, but more angst is to come, so fret not! As always, Kudos and comments are GREATLY appreciated. I hope you enjoy this short chapter. Sorry if it feels a bit rushed :/

“S-sans, you wanted t-to see me?”

“oh hey alph. yeah i wanted to talk to you about something. is Toriel coming back in?”

“N-no, she said something about n-not letting Papyrus burn the kitchen d-down.”

That makes sense. Papyrus’ cooking is good, but if nervous about something, he might be a little careless. He’s probably still upset about you. Upset at you.

“oh, that’s fine. breakfast will probably be super good then.”

Alphys walks over to the chair Toriel was sleeping in and takes a seat.

“So w-what did you want t-to talk about?”

“umm, i guess about everything? Papyrus said something about me being able to leave soon, so there’s that. also the thing you mentioned about the antidepressants.”

“Oh! Y-you should be able to leave l-later today, if your injuries are okay. It m-might hurt a bit to walk at f-first, but it should b-be fine if you take the pills until t-the pain goes away.” You nod as she continues, “And I w-was thinking about the antidepressant t-thing, but I need to g-get more information on t-that before w-we start you on them.”

She looks up at you, grim expression on her face, “We s-should also talk about your HP. Your hope. It’s going t-to be hard to fix, b-but I think we can! I just n-need to know why it decreased. I think you’re t-the only m-monster to h-have HoPe this low.”

“well, aren’t i just special.” You say bitterly, speaking in a low tone.

Alphys either doesn’t hear you, or just chooses to ignore your comment. “I can only a-assume that you l-lost HoPe because of the RESETS. And, again, i’m s-so, so, sorry t-that you h-had to go through t-that. I d-don’t know w-what I would h-have done in that situation.” She pauses to collect herself before speaking again, “But Papyrus s-said you lost HoPe before t-that. I understand if y-you don’t want t-to speak about it, b-but I know it w-will really help. And it m-may be necessary for us t-to know about if w-we ever w-want to restore your HP.”

“i just…” You sigh, placing your hand on your face, “i can’t tell you.”

He doesn’t matter anymore. He isn’t here. Nobody remember him. Heck, even if you tell everyone, they might think you’re even crazier than they originally thought. And who even cares about your HP? You don’t for sure. The lower your HP, the easier you’ll die. And you wouldn’t really mind that right now.

Alphys looks like she’s about to retort, but she’s interrupted by a shout heard from outside the door. 

“BREAKFAST!”

“If you w-want, I could check your injuries out r-right n-now, if you w-wouldn’t mind. So you c-can go have breakfast w-with everyone. If y-you w-want.”

“yeah that seems good alph.” She starts walking towards you, and your hit with the sudden realization that you have no idea where you are. “this may seem like a stupid question, but where are we?”

She pauses before starting to unwrap the bandages. “Oh! Oh my god I c-completely forgot we never told you where y-you are!” She starts to gingerly unwrap the bandages on your chest. “Asgore lended his room to you. Much to Toriel’s dismay, Asgore m-moved into the r-room with her for the t-time being. Frisk is s-staying with Papyrus. Well when he’s not w-with you.”

You try not to look at your ribs as Alphys unwraps them, but you quickly caught a glimpse in the corner of your eye sockets. You can see the unevenness of the bone, and the discoloration of where the ribs were broken.

Alphys finishes checking you over, then applies fresh bandages.

“Here,” She says, grabbing the bottle of pills and pouring one out, “If you take t-this you s-should be fine to g-go have breakfast.”

“thanks alph.” You take the pill from her hand and dry swallow it, while Alphys prepares to help you up.

“H-here.” She says, helping you sit up. You wince slightly in pain before managing to pull yourself up.

“Are y-you okay?” Alphys asks, when you're finally standing.

“yeah m’fine.” You say, grunting a bit.

The medicine really hasn't kicked in yet, so your chest is still burning from the effort of standing, but it's not as bad as it could be. It's definitely not as bad as the original pain. If monsters are good at anything, it's healing.

“O-okay, i'll, uhh, help y-you downstairs.”

Alphys does exactly that. You leave the room, with a slight limp from the occasional pangs of pain in your chest, but other then that it's smooth sailing. Getting down the stairs is a little bit harder, a painstakingly long process that's difficult for both parties involved, but you both manage. 

From the time it took you to make your way downstairs, you would think your food would be cold by now, but as you make your way into the kitchen, there's a steaming plate of pancakes waiting at your chair.

“OH SANS! ALPHYS SAID YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO COME DOWN FOR BREAKFAST, SO I MADE YOU PANCAKES! HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”

“i'm good paps.”

Alphys helps you into a chair adjacent to hers, then she also takes a seat. You take in the faces of everyone else at the table, expecting resentment and disgust, but only receiving love and kindness.

“Oh Sans!” Toriel starts, “I'm glad you could join us.”

Asgore chimes in also, “I'm sure everyone here is glad to hear you're feeling better.” Everyone either nods or hums in agreement.

‘I'm glad you're here, Sans.’ Frisk signs, ‘Breakfast is too bonely without you.’

You chuckle at their attempt at a skeleton pun. You gotta give the kid credit, trying to sign puns is definatley harder than saying them out loud.

“heh. good one Frisk.”

And sitting there, and the kitchen table, basking in all your friends and their kindness, you feel something. Your smile, usually tight and forced, is loosened up a small bit. Freer than it has been in a long time. And if things continue the way they are now, you think your permanent smile can truly become real.


	15. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guilt to punishment, punishment to guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before I begin, just want to say that if you're wondering how Sans healed so quickly, the answer is: magic. If you don't know the answer to a question, just assume the answer is magic. Anyways, here we are, back to some angst. Also, I can't believe how supportive everyone is for this work! I mean, as of right now, we have 346 Kudos! Like, wow! And the comments as well! Everyone is so supportive, thank you all so much! That being said, I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

After sitting and eating breakfast (in which no one brings up your  _ issue _ , which you're grateful for), Papyrus helps you upstairs and into your room. Alphys said it should be fine for you to sleep in your own bed since you’re pretty much healed.

Both you and Papyrus sit on your respective beds, yours still having Frisk’s pajamas lying on top, but you push them aside. You’ll have to give them to Frisk later.

“SANS…” Papyrus takes a deep breath before continuing, “I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT ALPHYS SAID KNOWING THE REASON OF YOUR HP DECREASE IS IMPORTANT TO GETTING YOUR CURRENT ONE UP. ALTHOUGH VERY GREAT, I BELIEVE ALPHYS IS BETTER THAN I IN KNOWING WHAT WILL HELP YOUR STATS.”

Great, it seems Papyrus is going to be pestering you now about your HP. Of course you won’t tell him. It’s a man that never existed. Not important.

After realizing you're not going to respond to his prompt, Papyrus starts again, “Sans, I don’t know what you’re going through, so i’m not going to say I get it, because I don’t. But I will say that I will always be there for you, and you can trust me. So please tell me what happened. You don’t have to say everything, but can you please give me something. I don’t even know where to start! I don’t remember anything!”

Papyrus is speaking in a low voice, something he usually never does, but seems to be doing a lot recently. And you hate it because you’re reminded that you’re the cause of it. You caused Papyrus to be upset enough that he quieted down from his usual boisterous self.

“i can’t… it doesn’t even matter.”

“Sans stop saying that. Of  _ course _ it matters. It mattered so much it caused a drop in your HoPe.”

“well it doesn’t matter anymore.” You defend, albeit snappy. Because it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Him being a great father doesn’t matter. Him helping you get your weak DEF up, even the tiniest bit doesn’t matter. Him slowly turning evil doesn’t matter. Him experimenting on both you and Papyrus doesn’t matter. Him falling into his creation  _ doesn’t matter _ , because  _ nobody remembers _ .

“Please stop being so…” Papyrus searches for a word to use, “Difficult to work with. I know you may not care.” That’s an understatement, “But everyone here does, and they want to help get your HoPe up. And knowing what happened may be the only way. So please tell me what happened.”

“i just- it doesn’t matter. heh heh.” You start chuckling humorlessly. “it doesn’t matter.”

Papyrus raises his voice for a moment, “SANS OF COURSE IT MATTERS! Stop saying it doesn’t, because it does, and you have to know that. Just tell me!”

He stares at you, waiting for you to speak, but you don’t. There is nothing to say. Papyrus doesn’t remember him. Nobody remembers him. It’s like it didn’t even happen. Because it didn’t.  

“Sans, come on! I know you don’t want to tell me because you think I may be burdened by you, or whatever, but I want to help! I want to help you! Everyone wants to help you! Whatever you say right now, my opinion of you will never decrease. You will always be the best big brother I could ever ask for, no matter what you think. I just want to know so I can help you! That’s all I want!.”

Oh, how badly you want to tell Papyrus. But he wouldn’t remember. He wouldn’t understand. He’ll probably think you’re crazy, heck, you probably are. You want to tell him- but you just  _ can’t _ .

“i- i’m s-sorry. i just can’t.”

“Sans, i’m not one for forcing you to do something, but please. I need to know what happened. Spare me the details, do whatever you want, but I just need to know why. HoPe doesn’t just decrease without a big reason for it to.”

“i-i c-can’t…”

“SANS FOR GOODNESS SAKE, STOP SAYING YOU CAN’T. I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

You sit there, shaking slightly, alarmed at Papyrus’ tone. He takes your lack of response as an answer.

“APPARENTLY IT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK. I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU. WHY CAN’T YOU TELL ME  _ SOMETHING _ THAT WOULD HELP!?”

“i’m sorry.” You say quietly, caving in on yourself. It’s only then when Papyrus realized his mistake.

“Sans I didn’t mean-”

“i’m sorry.” You say again, cutting him off, “i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i can’t help i know i’m useless i’m sorry.”

Papyrus approaches you as you keep mumbling apologies. “Sans please, I-”

“i-i’m g-gonna go.” You say softly before using what little strength you have to use a shortcut.

You collapse onto yourself as you land in a small clearing that you went to in previous RESETS. No humans ever come here. It seems it rained recently, as the ground you land on is soft and muddy beneath the grass. You crumble into a ball in a mud puddle, drained from both your shortcut and emotional exhaustion.

You try to calm yourself, but find that you can’t. Papyrus is obviously burdened by you. He honestly spoke his mind, and you were so dumb to not realize it earlier. Sure, you always knew that Papyrus was weighed down by you, but now that it was confirmed, coming straight from his mouth…

Of course you just  _ couldn’t _ tell Papyrus about him. Of course you had to be selfish; Papyrus just wanted to help. Of course you just fled away from your problems like a coward.

Your hand bumps against something hard as you adjust your position on the ground. It’s a rock. A sharp, jagged rock, that all of a sudden you’re itching to use.

You pick it up slowly, teasing yourself by pressing your fingers into the edges. Your punishment. A punishment you deserve for being such a nuisance. Bringing the rock to your still bandaged arm, you use it to cut the dressings off. You won’t be needing them.

What is your goal here? (You're definitely crazy). Do you want to die? Do you want to live? (You’re insane for doing this). It doesn’t matter. (Why are you doing this?). What happens happens. And what happens will always be RESET.  

You raise the rock high in your hands before sending it crashing down hard on your wrist. You hear bone cracking, but you don’t care.

.60/.75 HP

You do it again. You don’t care.

.45/.7 HP

Again and again.

.35/.65 HP

.30/.6 HP

Your hits, already weak from your physical state, get slower and less powerful, but that doesn’t stop you.

.25/.55 HP

You can barely raise your arm high enough to put any power behind the hits, but you give it your all one last time.

.15/.5 HP

You collapse again, physically unable to hold yourself up. You lay on your back, unable to do anything except take in the sight of your mud and dust stained clothes.

Your guilt catches up to you as you lay there. What have you done? Do you want Papyrus to find you half dead like he did last time?  _ What is wrong with you? _

You’re too drained to do anything but lay in the soft mud, thinking about how horrible you are.

Papyrus was trying to help you, yet you refused him. He’s already weighed down by you enough, why did you make it harder for him? But then again, why does it matter. The kid will RESET again.

But, thinking about that makes you feel even guiltier. You keep acting as though everything will RESET, although Frisk promised they wouldn’t. You still can’t truly believe them, but you could’ve at least acted like you did. Like it was your first time on the surface. You could have put up a better façade, and none of this would have ever happened.

All of this, everything bad so far that’s happened on the surface, is your fault. Nothing bad would have ever happened if you were just a little better at pretending. Everyone’s pity, everyone’s sympathy, everyone’s sadness for you, could’ve been prevented if you could just suck it up and stop being pathetically weak.

“SANS!” You hear a barely audible shout from the distance. You should’ve picked a place that was farther away from the house. You don’t think you can ever face Papyrus again after how you just acted.

“SANS!” Great, he’s closer now. Papyrus probably figured you’d pick a place that was isolated from everyone.

You don’t even want to try using a shortcut, because you know you’re not strong enough now to. You’d probably pass out or die from exhaustion, and god knows where you’d land. Not that you’d care, but you can’t have Papyrus find you like that  _ again _ .

“SANS PLEASE, I’M SORRY!” Papyrus is close, so you try to adjust yourself into a reasonable position.

You originally try to sit yourself up by using your injured arm to help you up, but you wince loudly in pain. You really did a number on yourself there. Not that you didn’t deserve it though.

Instead, you push yourself up with your uninjured arm, and somehow manage to sit up. Still sitting in the mud, you notice the bandages you threw on the ground in your haste. They’re dirty and covered in mud, so you just push them to the side and bury them in the grass so Papyrus won’t notice them. You’re quick to roll down your sleeves as you hear footsteps coming close.

“SANS ARE YOU HERE?” He catches sight of you sitting in the mud with your head down. “OH MY GOODNESS ARE YOU OKAY? I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AN HOUR!”

He rushes over to you, and you look up, but not at Papyrus, unable to look him in the eye. Instead, you look up at the sky and notice that’s it’s right above you, indicating it’s about noon. Seems Papyrus wasn’t lying when he said he was looking for you for an hour. It didn’t seem as long for you.

“ARE YOU OKAY?” He helps you stand up, noting your lack of ability to do that yourself.

“y-yeah.” You manage to say, voice thick with guilt and emotion, but also physically strained from weakness.

“I’M CHECKING YOU.” Papyrus says, not as a question.

Sans  
.15/.5 HP  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
Getting worse

“SANS… I’M SORRY. I-I… WHERE?”

“w-what?”

“Where did you… You know…”

Oh yeah, besides your overall HP decreasing, you also lost health. It seems as though Papyrus knows why.

“i... um…” There’s no way you’re getting out of this one. Yay! You failed again!

You hold out your arm, unable to form words. Papyrus rolls up your sleeve gently, not making a sound, but wincing slightly when he sees the damage you have done to yourself. You take a second look at your arm, realizing that a deep crack now lines the majority of your radius, littered with other small cracks branching out from it. You deserved it.

Papyrus quickly unwraps his scarf from around his neck, and professionally wraps it around your arm. What have you ever done in your life that let you have the miracle that is Papyrus?

“W-we should get you home. I just have to make a phone call first.”

Papyrus pulls out a clunky phone from his pant pocket, one of the ones that was used underground.

“Alphys? Yeah, I found Sans.” Oh wow! Alphys and probably everyone else knows that you “ran away”! “Um… He’s, well, you’ll need to take a look at him.”

You faintly hear a frantic voice coming from the other end of the phone before Papyrus reassures her, “No, he’s fine right now…” Papyrus chooses to rephrase that statement, “Fine as in he’s conscious. But as I said, you need to take a look at him.” Papyrus pauses to listen to Alphys for a moment before cutting their conversation short, “Look, I would explain, but I should probably bring Sans home now. Like right now. So I have to go, but thank you Alphys.”

Papyrus quickly hangs up after Alphys says goodbye. “I’m sorry about that, let’s get you home.”

“i’m sorry.” You say, finally speaking again, “you shouldn’t have to...do this.”

“It’s okay Sans. I-”

“no, it’s not okay!” You cut him off, “you shouldn’t have to take care of me like this. i’m just… i’m just burdening you. i couldn’t tell you something, and instead of being reasonable, i just ran away like a child. i’m sorry. you shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“Sans… I know I said I don’t remember our childhood, but I do know something. I’m not sure how, call it a feeling if you must, but I just know that you were the best big brother. I know you faced hardships, but I also know you protected me from the majority of them. I may not remember the details, or what even happened, but I do know that you’re the best brother I could ask for. So I will do whatever it takes to take care of you, as you did for me.”

He grabs the hand from your uninjured arm.

“Let’s go home.”


	16. Insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you truly crazy if you know you are?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a really early Tuesday morning chapter! And angst! And pasta! lol I have no idea what to say here, I don't really have anything important to note. Besides the fact that all of you people are lovely! Thank you everyone for the Kudos and kind comments! They are always aprreciated greatly! As I said before, really don't have much to say, so ON WITH THE CHAPTER!
> 
> also i'm sorry i posted this like super early in the morning for some reason

Papyrus helps you up, and you wordlessly oblige, too ashamed to do anything else. You both slowly start your walk towards the house, and your arm is stinging beneath the scarf. But that isn't bothering you right now, in fact, you barely feel it. The only thing you can feel is guilt and shame.

The walk, usually about fifteen minutes, takes about double that time due to your physical weakness, and therefore slow pace. Papyrus doesn't complain, let alone speak as you walk, probably mad at you for being the disgrace you are. His previous words, spoken to be true and kind, only feel mocking in comparison to what you believe he truly feels. When he got frustrated enough with you to finally speak his feelings. And yet, once you hear the things you always knew were true, you still freak out and run away like a coward.

Coming up to the door of the house now, you're grateful there are no strangling monsters roaming the street. No spectators to you pathetically trailing behind Papyrus, his hand in your grasp, head down.

“ALPHYS!” Papyrus calls when you both walk in through the door.

Alphys hurries in from the next room, and looks at you briefly before glancing to Papyrus.

“SANS NEEDS TO BE HEALED. CAN YOU GET HIM SOME FOOD PLEASE? ALSO WHEN YOU’RE DONE, I’LL NEED YOU TO LOOK OVER HIM.” 

You wish you could be like Papyrus, calm and orderly in a stressful situation. But you're you, and you're his opposite.

“Umm s-sure! I’ll b-be right b-back.”

She scurries into the kitchen as Papyrus again leads you into the living room. There is a worried looking Toriel sitting on the couch next to Undyne, who holds a blank expression. Papyrus ushers you to sit on the other couch, even propping the pillow up to make it more comfortable.

You sit for a moment, in a tense silence until Alphys comes back in with a package of instant noodles.

“I’m s-sorry I couldn't find anything b-better, b-but there’s r-really nothing else in t-the house.” She hands them to you before adding, “T-trust me, they're b-better dry.”

You comply and start to eat them dry, unaware of the taste at all. Toriel tries to make conversation to ease the silence, telling that Frisk and Asgore are really getting somewhere with monster-human relations, but to no avail. You eat silently and shamefully, fully aware of how you must look right now. To your surprise, when you finish, it's Undyne that speaks up.

“Hey, Papyrus? Since we're like out of groceries, want to come with me to the store? I found this new place that has lots of different types of spaghetti!”

You feel Papyrus’ stare on you, deciding whether to leave or not. You appreciate what Undyne’s doing, trying to get him out of the house, and distract him from your situation. You wish he would leave, you can barely even look in his general direction without guilt bubbling within you.

“SANS… WILL YOU BE OKAY?”

You nod, refusing to speak to him. Alphys also chimes in, “He’ll b-be okay Papyrus. You s-should p-probably get out of t-the house.”

“OKAY… I GUESS THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. JUST MAKE SURE YOU CHECK HIM.”

Your head dips lower at the mention of checking your stats. Nobody seems to notice though, because as soon as Papyrus complies, Undyne springs off the couch and grabs his hand, already starting to drag him out the door. 

“YEAH we're going to get ALL the spaghetti!”

“OF COURSE UNDYNE! THE GREAT PAPYRUS DESERVES NO LESS THAN EVERY TYPE OF PASTA ON THE SHELVES!” His tone is cheery, but you can still sense the apprehension in his voice as him and Undyne talk as they're walking out the door.

Toriel moves from her spot to come sit on the couch with you.

“You know, Papyrus was so upset at himself from what he said. As soon as you disappeared, he immediately let everyone in the house know before he went looking for you. He really cares about you. I sincerely hope you know he didn't mean what he said.”

You sit in silence, bringing your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around. You don't speak, embarrassed at the position you're in right now. 

“Okay, s-so Sans… Papyrus said t-to check you.” Alphys says, breaking the silence, “So i’m g-going to do t-that, if that's okay?”

“mhmm” You mumble as you uncurl yourself to sit properly on the couch. 

Sans  
.5/.5 HP  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
Getting worse

You hear Toriel gasp, and feel Alphys’ glare on you. You turn your head downwards, not being able to bear the thought of looking them in the eyes.

“O-oh I g-guess t-that's why Papyrus w-wanted me t-to check y-you.”

She pauses for a minute, but then notices the scarf wrapped around your arm.

“Is y-your arm okay?” She gives a small laugh, I’m sorry t-that seems l-like a stupid question. Can I s-see it?”

You extend your arm towards her, still staring at the ground. Alphys carefully unwraps it, and you feel her shudder slightly. You know that she knows what happened, but someone else has no idea.

“Sans! What happened?” Toriel asks, drawn out of her silent stupor.

Alphys looks uncomfortable, seemingly deciding what to tell Toriel.

“i did it.” You say, voice gruff and hoarse, startling both Alphys and Toriel.

“Oh…” A look of recognition crosses Toriel’s face, perhaps she forgot how messed up you are?

“W-well if we properly bandage t-this up, it should b-be fine in n-no time! Here… I t-think I h-have…” Alphys fumbles around in her lab coat pocket before pulling out a roll of bandages. “Here! I'll d-do it n-now.”

Alphys carefully wraps your arm, careful not to brush against it. She accidentally pushes hard a few times, then spits apologies, but you don't really care. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't matter. It's what you deserved anyways.

“N-now that that's sorted out…” She lets go of your arm, which drops to your side, “Umm… Y-your HoPe…”

“You know Papyrus really didn't mean it Sans.” Toriel says sadly, “He told me exactly what he said, and how much he regretted it.”

Sure, Papyrus might feel bad, but only because of your dumb reaction. He finally admitted out loud how much of a burden you are. It seems even the nicest person can be upset at you, and that just says something about yourself.

“He j-just said it b-because he was f-frustrated. N-not at y-you of course, b-but this whole s-situation. He's been under a l-lot of strain r-recently.”

Yeah, that's your fault.

“We just want to help! I get it that you don't want to tell us about your HoPe decreasing, it's not a comfortable topic. And believe me, we don't want to push you into any uncomfortable situation.”

Well it's too late for that, that's your own fault though.

“B-but, obviously, as y-you can see, your HoPe is d-dangerously low. And t-talking about this c-can only help! I know it s-seems scary, I know. Telling everyone a-about t-the determination experiments w-was not t-the best time in m-my life. But once I t-talked about it, it w-was like a w-weight was lifted off m-my chest! It h-helps to have t-the support of f-friends, they w-want to help! We all want t-to help! Please let us h-help you!”

Great, this again. You can't tell them. They don't remember. They'll think you're crazy. You are crazy.

“i… c-can't”

Selfish.

“i'm s-sorry… i…”

Shameful.

“i just…”

Worthless.

“...can't”

No wonder Papyrus was angry at you.

“That's… okay. You don't have to tell us right now, but please think about it. Don't you want to get better?”

You look up at Toriel, shooting her an expression that answers her question without words. A completely defeated expression that shows no care for self preservation.

Apparently, as though your recent failures have not yet proved this, Toriel is taken aback by the overwhelming hopelessness that covers your entire being.

“Well we want you to get better. So can you please promise to try? If not for yourself, for us.”

Promises, promises. The things you give out so sparingly, you could count how many on your fingers. Promises. The things you can't keep despite the small number you gave. Promises. Things you break because of your own selfish needs. Promises.

But yet you still make them. Why? Do you think you can keep them? Do you think you won't break the new ones you make? Do you think you can get better?

Does it really matter though? One more broken promise in a sea of many. Is it even worth a shot?

Despite your better judgment, you slowly nod your head up and down, not quite signaling a true agreement, but still doing something.

Toriel seems to realize that's all she's going to be getting out of you. “Well Sans, I suppose you must be tired after this whole… ordeal… so I suggest taking a nap. Would you agree Alphys?”

“Yeah t-that seems like a g-good idea. You're probably c-completely worn out, r-right?”

You shrug in response. Yeah, you're definitely tired, maybe even the most you've been in your entire life. Drained emotionally and physically. But you figure sleeping will result in nightmares, if you even manage to fall asleep at all.

“H-here i'll take you t-to your b-bed and-”

“actually, if it's okay, i'll umm… stay in the couch. probably easier for both of ya, so ya don't hafta move.”

“It's fine with me if it's fine with you Sans.” Toriel says.

“mhmm” you hum in agreement, while Alphys and Toriel stand up and move to the other couch to give you some room.

You curl up back into a ball and lay on your side. It's not exactly comfortable, but you don't exactly care. Covering your face with your arms, you try to take calming breaths as silent tears start to trail down your face.

It seems as if today's trauma is hitting you now, as if it hasn't hit already. Papyrus hates you. You're selfish and pathetic. What else is new?

You hear the click of the TV turning on as well as shuffling around of the couch. You try to zone out your thoughts will the monotonous tone emitting from the newscaster on the current channel. You catch phrases regarding monsters such as, “unexpected” and “different opinions” but nothing really sticks to your memory.

You're trying to distract yourself from your mind. Your mind is something you hate. Storing memories you don't want to relive. Creating storms within itself. Making you slowly turn insane. Like him.

How long you've been laying here, you don't know. But by now, the tears that were present on your face have long dried up, leaving only small tracks behind.

“GUESS WHO’S GOT PASTA?!” is the shout of two voices from the other room. You jump slightly at the sudden sound, soon realizing Papyrus and Undyne are back.

You sit up, trying to calm your nerves about seeing Papyrus.

“SANS OH MY GOODNESS YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY TYPES OF PASTA THERE ARE! … SANS?” 

You turned your head down and away from him, basking in guilt and shame.

Undyne seems to take no notice of this as she continues speaking with her great energy.

“ALPHYS! Come help me make food! It'll be super epic!” She karate chops the air with a devious grin on her face. “... ANIME STYLE!”

Without waiting for so much as a response, Undyne grabs Alphys and drags her into the kitchen. Toriel sighs and says, “I should probably supervise them. Frisk told me Undyne set her own house on fire cooking with them.”

She walks out of the room, leaving only you and Papyrus.

“SANS…” Papyrus says, dropping the bags he was carrying on the coffee table. “YOU KNOW I'M SORRY, RIGHT?”

He walks over and sits on the couch, wrapping an arm around you. You curl tighter around yourself and push away to the other side of the couch, abandoning Papyrus.

“s’not your fault.” You mumble quietly.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SANS? I HAD NO REASON TO BE UPSET AT YOU, I JUST UNLOADED ALL MY STRESS ONTO YOU. I’M SO SORRY FOR DOING THAT. IT’S DEFINITELY MY FAULT.”

“no it isn't.” You say a bit louder. “it’s mine.”

You look Papyrus in the face for the first time since he found you, filled with a deranged sense of determination to prove your self-worth.

“it's mine, i was selfish. i didn't tell you what you wanted. i'm the disappointment. i'm weak. pathetic. even more so now. i mean, .5 HP? i'm better off dead.” Papyrus’ face twists into deep frown as you talk. “it would be less of a burden on everyone anyways.”

“Sans.” Papyrus says, using one of the most serious tones you've heard him use.

“but does it matter?” You continue, “of course it doesn't! heh heh! the kid will just RESET, right? i'll go through all of this again. 

“Sans…”

“not like i don't deserve it though, i failed so many times before the RESETS even happened. it's punishment for my past sins, ya know? the only horrible thing about it is that you guys are stuck in the loop as well, fortunately without the memories though.”

“Sans… please…”

“ you're so great. i don't even know how you put up with me. i don't even know why you put up with me. you'd be so much better without me to drag you down.”

“Please…”

“it's almost funny! you're like my complete opposite. you're happy and energetic and always make everyone's lives better by being around. i'm upset, lazy, and make it worse for anyone around me!”

You giggle with a semi-crazed laughter, to caught up in your own deranged thoughts to notice the horrified expression on Papyrus’ face.

“SANS STOP!” Papyrus yells, tears starting to stream down his face.

Your own laughter calms down, as does your mind, only now realizing what you've been doing.

You curl in on yourself suddenly, as if brought back from a trance.

“i'm s-sorry.” You speak softly, your conscience coated in the thickest layer of guilt you've ever known. “i didn't… i d-didn’t…

“Is that what you think about? Is this what you think everyday?”

“i'm sorry… i… didn't m-mean t-to…” You try and take deep breathes to calm yourself, but to no avail.

Suddenly, Papyrus pulls you into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry. I...I promise this will all be alright in the end. We’ll all help you recover. We’ll all help you be happy!”

Papyrus pauses steady his voice, tears still flowing freely from his face.

“I promise.”


	17. Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has limits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a SUPER early saturday chapter! Anyways, don't have much to say except comments and Kudos are always loved! Also, i've been working about making the chapters a bit longer; this just under 3000 words. I'll try my best to maintain long chapters, but i'll guess we see if i can keep up. *shurgs* Hope you enjoy this chapter :)

“Is everything okay in there?” Toriel shouts from the kitchen.

“Y-YEAH WE’RE FINE. THANK YOU.”

Papyrus turns his head back to you, but you remain huddled in a ball at the side of the couch.

Why did you say that? Why? WHY? You were talking about being a burden, and became an even bigger one by spewing your inner thoughts out. Thoughts from your mind that should stay only in your mind.

“D-do you really think that about yourself?”

You don't respond.

“You know you don't burden anyone here, right? You're definitely… definitely not better off d-dead…”

Your don't respond.

“I… I can't believe you think of yourself that way. Nothing you said about yourself is true.”

You don't respond.

“I wish I knew this… how truly bad it was. I knew it was bad… but not like this.”

You still don't respond.

Why does Papyrus care? Why does he care about someone like you? Here you are, spitting out all of your problems, and Papyrus is the one apologizing.

“pathetic.” You say softly, only later realizing that you said it out loud.

“What?”

“i'm pathetic.” You say, voice found again.

“Sans you're not-”

You cut him off before he continues. You don't think you can handle anymore of his apologies.

“yes i am. here i am, acting like an idiot, and you're the one apologizing.”

You consider your options before continuing. “i should just… i’ll just go. i’ll be in my room.”

You need to be alone right now. You can't handle Papyrus’ kindness.

You get up and start up the stairs, leaving Papyrus in your wake. It's only when you reach the top that Papyrus is drawn out of his momentary shock.

“Sans! Please come back down here! Someone's supposed to wa-”

His voice is cut off as you close and lock the door to your room.

You sigh as you heavily drop into your bed. What have you done?

You thought you were a burden before, but now it's tenfold. How could you do that to Papyrus? To everyone? What is wrong with you?

Everything. Everything is wrong with you. You are composed of selfishness and mistakes, without a shred of decency or kindness. You're turning into him.

_“d-dad, what are you doing?” You ask nervously, as your father comes towards you with an ominous grin._

_“Well Sans,” he says coldly, “ I was thinking of trying a little… experiment.”_

_He's going to experiment on you?!_

_You'd never in a thousand years thought it would come to this. Sure, he was getting more distant and cold, but never this. Beating you yes, but experimenting on you? What is he going to do?_

_“Get on the table Sans.”_

_You shake in your spot, too distraught to move._

_“I said… Get. On. The. Table.” His voice drips into a growl as he speaks._

_It’s only the instinct of knowing your father’s limits that makes you rush over and lay on the table. Obey, or be hit._

_“Good.” He starts shuffling around papers on the desk next to where you're laying._

_It never used to be like this. The constant fear of your own father. He was good once. Maybe you caused it, maybe you didn't, but he's changed._

_You were so excited when he said you would help out at the labs with him. But that's when he started. You don't know what caused it, maybe your own presence, but he started getting more aggressive. He wouldn't let you leave the house without permission, wouldn't let you visit Alphys. But it soon progressed into something much worse. He doesn't treat you or Papyrus like his children. He treats you like slaves, hitting and kicking you when you mess up even the slightest bit, or don't measure up to his standards._

_“Here we are…” he murmurs to himself, pulling a large needle out of a drawer and a large container filled with something that is the most vibrant red color you've ever seen._

_“Don't you dare talk.” He hisses, pulling a small voice recorder out from his pocket._

_Don't speak unless spoken to. You've already learned that lesson._

_He presses the recording button, “Experiment 1C: Subject 1. I am going to be injecting the subject with a diluted .5 ml shot of the newly discovered “Determination”. Properties unknown. Refer to previous test group B for information.”_

_You're shaking one the table, causing the whole thing to rattle.’Determination’? What's that? Will it hurt? What will it do to you?_

_“I will be restraining the subject, the side effects are unknown, being the first test on sentient matter.”_

_He walks over and ties you to the table, thick straps holding you in place. You can't move an inch._

_“I am preparing the injection.” He says, filling the syringe with what you can only assume is ‘Determination’. “I am now prepared to commence the test. Side effects will be taken note of, and adjustments will be made to better for the future.”_

_He walks over back to where you're strapped in. He grins at you ominously before pressing the tip of the needle against the bone of your neck._

_“This may hurt.” He whispers sickeningly to you before injecting the so called ‘Determination’._

_You scream._

You scream.

You involuntary did your fingers into your skull, causing a small drop in HP.

That memory… That memory of him, and your first experience with Determination. How? Why? Was it your fault? Probably.

And now you're turning into him. Selfish and having no concerns for anyone's else's needs. You can't believe you're stooping to his level. You don't want to stoop to his level.

“SANS!” There is a heavy pounding on your door, “ARE YOU OKAY?!”

You bring your hands down from your head and wrap them around your legs.

“SANS PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!”

You silently get up and unlock the door with a loud click, and before Papyrus comes in, you go back to your curled position on your bed.

“SANS…?”

You can feel his stare on you in your pathetic position.

“Are you okay?”

You lift your head up slightly and mumble, “m’sorry. didn't mean to scream.”

“It’s okay, but can you tell me why you screamed though?”

You bury your face back into your hands.

“Sans, please, I only want to help.”

Your voice is muffled by your hands, “i… thought of something.”

Papyrus doesn't respond, offering you a chance to elaborate.

“a memory.”

“Do you… Do you want to tell me about it?” You shake your head no. “Well… that's okay. I'm not going to force you to, but it might help.”

“it's… it’s okay now. it was just a vivid memory, i guess.”

Lying again. You really are like him with your tricks and deceit.

“Sans, please don't lie. I'm your brother. I know you're not ‘okay’ right now, you're still shaking.”

Papyrus comes on the bed and wraps his arms around your trembling form. You just sit there, shivering in his hold, physically there, but mentally far away.

All the memories associated with him are painful. Everyone either being bittersweet, or the worst time of your life. The good memories, even if there are few, are there and mocking you. What ifs are everywhere. What if you'd been a better son? What if you didn't drive him insane? What if you did something directly correlating to his descent into madness? What if…

But then, the memories of it getting worse. Him turning you and Papyrus into slaves rather than children. The countless beatings you got because you weren't up to his standards. The times he kicked and hit Papyrus because of you. You caused Papyrus pain. You caused your own pain as well, but Papyrus didn't deserve it. Papyrus was innocent.

Subject 1 and Subject 2. Formerly known as Sans and Papyrus. He turned both of you into his experiments. Fortunately ending in only you having Determination in your system. At least you managed one thing.

The searing pain, coursing through your system. Burning you. Feeling like you're melting from the inside out. Being injected with more and more each time. Each time, the pain seeming like the worst it could possibly get, but getting even more unbearable the next time. Determination is one hell of a drug.

Him being pushed into his creation by your own hands.

And now, look at you. Becoming distant and cold. Just how he started. Hurting the others around you. Not physically, at least since the kid hasn't killed anyone this timeline, but mentally. Mentally abusing everyone and stretching their mind to their limits because of you. Even doing it to Papyrus, who's becoming less and less of his excitable self everyday.

You used to be good. Used to be happy and kind. But you've changed. Just like he did. And you don't want to be like him. You don't want to turn into who he turned into. You're just like him.

“SANS PLEASE, STOP!”

You're brought back into reality by a shout from Papyrus. Why is he shouting? What have you done wrong?

You feel a prickle of pain in your wrist, and when you look down…

It seems as though while collecting your thoughts, you were using your fingers to dig into your own wrist, almost breaking the bone underneath.

“SANS!” Papyrus seems to notice your at least mentally aware of where you are right now, “YOU JUST STARTED DOING THAT, AND I COULDN’T TEAR YOUR HAND AWAY! ARE YOU OKAY?”

Intent is everything with injuries, but what was your intent? You weren't aware of what you were doing. Before even checking though, your sudden tiredness and fatigue hints at what your goal might have been.

.05/.5 HP

“um… i…” Your voice is weak and Papyrus notices.

“I’M CHECKING.”

Sans   
.05/.5 HP  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
Guilty

Wow! You're probably setting a record for the most description changes in a week! Which is great knowing descriptions only change when you go through a traumatic event or change greatly!

“I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!” Papyrus says already halfway out the door, presumably to get food.

You sigh and sink in on yourself. Why can't you just be normal? Or at least pretend you're normal? You're bothering everyone by being like this. It would be better had you kept pretending. Sure, your façade has a few chips and cracks, but it's better on then off. Nobody should see you for what you are. A helpless, worthless, weak, pathetic excuse for a monster.

“EAT.” Papyrus says, coming in with a hot bowl of soup. You guess Undyne got her fridge set up downstairs.

He hands you the soup, and you place it on your lap. You take the spoon as well, and eat slowly with your non-damaged arm, trying to still your shaking.

“Sans, i'm sorry,” Papyrus starts, “But we just can't keep doing this.” He goes and sits next to you. “Don't get me wrong, i'm not mad at you or anything, but something's obviously bothering you. And if you keep doing this, keep hurting yourself…” He gestures to your arm, “I don't know what i'd do without you!”

Papyrus goes over to hug you, careful not to knock over the soup still in your lap. You don't see, but feel his tears hitting against your back. You made Papyrus cry over your stupid loss of control.

“I get it that you don't want to tell me, but it hurts me to. Seeing you like this. I don't like to see you hurting. And you blame yourself for so many things, things that were out of your control, or things that weren't even your fault to begin with. Although it pains me to say this… I feel as though right now you're blaming yourself for me being upset.”

He's right. But it's not like you don't deserve the blame. Papyrus would've been enjoying the life on the surface and exploring all it has to offer, but instead he's here taking care of you. Even a child could see that this is all your fault.

“Sans, look at me.” Papyrus says, pulling out of the hug, “I don't blame you. Nobody blames you. All of this isn't your fault. Everyone wants you to get better. And I won't force you, but I will strongly suggest that you tell me, or anyone, what has been bothering you so much. Are you upset about the RESETS? The human seemed very adamant about the fact they weren't going to do that again.”

“it's… not that. well it is… but not. something else as well.”

You want to tell Papyrus about him. You can't tell Papyrus about him.

“i just… it doesn't matter anymore though. there's no point in dwelling in the past, it's over.” You look down at the soup bowl in your lap. “especially his past.” You say quietly.

“Sans… does this have something to do with our childhood? Is there a reason I can't remember?”

No, he can't know. You want to tell him, but he can't know.

“no…” You say, not very convincing. You try again, speaking more clearly, “no, it's not that. it's fine now though, just remembered something bad. but it's fine now.”

You can't tell who you're trying to reassure; yourself or Papyrus. You say it's fine, but you know it's not. And you have a feeling Papyrus realizes that to.

“Sans…” Papyrus looks at you sadly, “You don't have to tell me. It will help both of us out alot if you tell me. But please don't lie to me. Don't say it doesn't matter. That's like saying your feelings don't matter, and they do.”

Your feelings don't matter, especially when they're the cause of others unhappiness.

“m’sorry” You say, taking your now finished soup bowl of your lap and placing it on your dresser. “it just doesn't matter.”

Doesn't matter to you is one thing, but he just doesn't matter in general. He didn't exist. He wasn't your father. He didn't create the core. He didn't do experiments on you. He's not in existence. Shattered across the space time continuum, only have you to shoulder his memories. You remember him. Why do you remember him? Do you want to remember your psychotic-turning father?

“Sans please.”

“he doesn't matter.” You say, voice soft and weak now.

Papyrus has a pained expression on his face, no doubt noticing the pronoun ‘he’.

“Okay.”

You're surprised he gave up that easily. His tone is too calm and unlike him.

“If you don't want to tell me, that's fine.”

You're unsettled by his voice.

“Just know it's not going to get better if you don't tell me. You're not going to get better.”

You already knew that though. You can't fix what's already broken.

“But…” His calmness breaks slightly, but he regains himself, “I’m sorry you can't trust me.”

Papyrus walks out of the room.

You sit in stony silence.

You don't trust Papyrus? No, you do. But… you can't tell him this. You can't tell anyone.

But look what you've done. Papyrus is obviously upset, just by how he acted you could tell that. Trying to keep calm, pretending like it wasn't bothering him, suppressing his emotions until he gets somewhere he can cry…

He's just like you. Because of you.

You need to fix this.

You get up and head towards the door.

“Papyrus wait!”

Where is he? Papyrus doesn't usually get upset, but when he does… he usually isolates himself. Just like you. Papyrus shouldn't be like you.

You head outside quietly, avoiding everyone else in the house.

“Papyrus, i'm sorry!”

You head to the backyard, a small patio overlooking the scene of Mt. Ebbot. Papyrus is sitting in the grass, hands over head, facing away from you.

“Papyrus i'm sorry.” You start, “i do trust you, i just… i just…”

“It's okay Sans.” Papyrus says, raising his head up. His face is full of tears. “It's okay.”

“no it's not. stop excusing me like this. it's wrong. i'm wrong. i'm keeping the only thing you want, and explanation, from you. i'm selfish. i want to tell you… i just can't.” You say, starting to dig your fingers into your head. “i can't because i'm weak. it's something i should be over. it's stupid. it doesn't matter. i don't matter.”

Papyrus stands up and looks at you.

“i can't tell you about him because he doesn't exist. he got erased from existence.” Papyrus gives a blank look at that. “god, you probably think i'm crazy. i am crazy.”

You take a breath, “and look, now i've messed up even more. i made you so upset so many times. why can't i just be normal. happy. not messing everyone's lives up.” You sigh, realizing saying this has probably only made things worse. “i'm sorry. never mind, this probably made you more upset. i'll go.”

You're not needed here. You don't need to mess this up even more than you already have.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a sudden hug from behind you.

“Sans… I-I don't think you're crazy. I just wish I understood what is going on. I'm not upset or mad at you, just frustrated by the situation as a whole. I just want you to be happy.”

“what have i ever done to deserve someone as great as you? all i've done is mess things up.”

Papyrus pauses a moment before holding you tighter in the hug. “ANY BROTHER OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS VERY GREAT. NOT QUITE AS GREAT AS YOURS TRULY, BUT VERY GREAT INDEED. NYEH HEH HEH!”

And you do something you haven't done in a long time. You smile. For real.

You hug Papyrus tighter.


	18. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it your fault if you didn't do it, but failed to prevent it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another early Tuesday chapter! Don't worry, more angst to come! I didn't really like the way this chapter came out, it's kinda boring, but it's more of a segway into a "new" subject. Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated like always! You guys are honestly so kind with those, what did I do to deserve such kind words? Anyways, here's the next chapter!

Monster food is composed of magical energy. But this energy also has a certain ‘weight’ to it. Not in the same sense of human food, but sort of like the same thing. Since your bodies are composed up of partly magic, the energy adds to that and makes your overall body weight heavier.

You, who hasn't done much eating (or anything at all) recently, have gotten lighter. It's only when Papyrus suddenly pulls out of the hug and picks you up, that you're self conscious of that fact.

“SANS, HAVE YOU BEEN EATING? YOU FEEL LIGHTER THAN USUAL.”

“pap i'm a skeleton. we're supposed to be light.” You give a small chuckle, trying to divert his attention away from you.

“YEAH BUT… YOU DEFINITELY ARE LIGHTER THAN THE LAST TIME I PICKED YOU UP…” He pauses briefly, “DO NOT FRET! I THE GREAT PAPYRUS WILL MAKE YOU SPAGHETTI! ONLY THE BEST SPAGHETTI, FINELY CRAFTED BY ME, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS. NYEH HEH HEH HEH!”

And with that Papyrus runs back into the house with you still in his arms, not even giving you a chance to protest.

Welp. Seems like you're going to be eating. Not that you're hungry though; everything you eat tastes like cardboard. You doubt even Papyrus’ indescribable spaghetti can even help with that.

Papyrus carries you into the kitchen, only earning a few strange looks from Toriel, Alphys, Undyne, and Asgore. Frisk is in the kitchen when you come in, getting a snack from the fridge.

Papyrus puts you into a chair before speaking to Frisk, “TINY HUMAN! WOULD YOU ALSO LIKE SOME GREAT SPAGHETTI? I WAS MAKING SOME FOR SANS, BUT EVERYONE DESERVES A PORTION OF SPAGHETTI AS GREAT AS MINE!”

Frisk nods enthusiastically, no doubt taking note of you and Papyrus’ more or less happy states. They sit in the chair next to you, while Papyrus goes over to the counter and starts preparing the ingredients.

‘How are you doing Sans?’ They sign as you turn to look at them.

“i'm good kid, thanks.”

‘I'm sorry,” They sign, face becoming somber, ‘I really am sorry. I didn't mean for it… I didn't mean…” You look at their face, and see their eyes becoming wet with the beginnings of tears, ‘I’m so sorry you had to go through that because of me…’

A single tear falls down their face and drips down their chin. “it's okay Frisk. i forgive you. i already did forgive you.”

‘It's not okay, I… made you like this. There's no excuse for that.’

“Frisk… this isn't your fault. it's mine. and the RESETS… well, i forgive you for those. you gotta learn to forgive yourself.”

You forgive them. Curiosity is a nasty thing. You forgive the kid, but you're still afraid of a RESET. A RESET that's bound to happen sooner or later. And even if it is the kids fault, there's no point in being angry with them. It's going to happen anyways. Whoever has the most Determination will RESET. Again and again.

It will never end.

Frisk notices your expression fall and starts to sign again, ‘Sans?’

“yeah?” You say, drawn out of your thoughts.

‘You said to me you were sad before all of this too. What happened?’

Papyrus is happily humming a tune behind you, but you switch to signing just in case. ‘i was just… sad ya know? nothin happened.’

‘Sans…’ They pause a moment, ‘It’s okay to talk about it. We won't judge you for whatever it is if you're worried about that.’

‘it's nothing’ You sign sharply, a bit defensive.

‘Sans… I-we won't judge you for whatever it is. It'll help you get better, Alphys said that.’ They give you a sad look. ‘I don't think it can be worse than what I did.’

So, Alphys probably told everyone, at least everyone in the house, about your HoPe. And how it decreased before. But you can't tell them. It doesn't matter. It didn't happen.

‘But it's not with the RESETS, right?’ You nod your head no, you can give them at least that. ‘Well if you won't tell me, I hope you tell Papyrus or someone. It's not good to bottle things up. I think you know that though.’

“SPAGHETTI!”

Both you and Frisk turn your heads to face Papyrus. He's holding two steaming plates of spaghetti, as well as one on the counter behind him.

“HERE WE ARE.” Papyrus says as he places the plates in front of both you and Frisk. “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?”

‘Orange juice!’ Frisk signs excitedly, while you just say you'll have a glass of water.

“OKAY, I’LL GO GET THAT!” Papyrus runs back over to the fridge to get your drinks.

‘Sans you should talk about it. To Papyrus, if anyone. He's been so worried about you.’

‘yeah, i know kid’ You sign, albeit bitterly, ‘i know he's upset at me.’

‘Sans he's not-’ 

You cut them off as you start signing again, ‘i know, i know. he's upset at the situation.’ But that's not true. He's upset at you for putting yourself in this situation. Why couldn't you just be a good brother? Papyrus doesn't deserve you.

“HERE HUMAN!” Papyrus says, most likely catching both of you signing to each other, but thankfully not mentioning it. “ORANGE JUICE!”

Frisk gladly takes the glass and takes a sip from it, before starting to shovel forkfuls of pasta into their mouth. 

“HERE’S YOUR WATER SANS!” Papyrus says cheerfully, handing you your cup, and you gladly accept. You take a long sip, trying to enjoy the coolness of the water.

The spaghetti, you notice, actually doesn't look half bad. Toriel probably has helped Papyrus improve, and also the fact that Undyne wasn't “helping” this time. You take a small bite, and as expected, it tastes bland to you. But it's not Papyrus’ fault you're messed up, so you compliment his cooking anyways.

“it's really good Papyrus.”

“WELL OF COURSE IT IS, IT WAS MADE BY ME!” He says, though through his words, you can sense a bit of pride from what you said.

‘It's so good Papyrus.’ Frisk signs between bites.

“THANK YOU HUMAN!”

Papyrus then sits down to eat as well, and you all make idle chat about random things. How's ambassador business going? How's the surface? What are your plans? You join in the conversation a bit, but mostly let Frisk and Papyrus do the talking. You just sit there and listen.

Frisk is done first, and shortly after, Papyrus, but you've barely touched yours. You should be hungry right? You really haven't eaten anything. But you don't really feel hungry. Or anything. It's as though your body is living a separate life then your mind.

“SANS? ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH YOURS? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY EAT SOME MORE.” Papyrus says kindly, but you can't bring yourself to. You can't bring yourself to waste food on someone who won't even enjoy it, or put it to use.

“nah paps, it's okay. not really hungry right now.” Papyrus frowns at you quickly, but soon covers it with a smile, but not fast enough so that you didn't notice. “i might actually go lay down a bit if that's okay?” You add as an afterthought.

“SURE THAT’S FINE! JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO CLEAN UP.”

Oh that's right. You're still on the whole ‘suicide watch’ thing. Someone has to be with you, even if you're sleeping. And this time, you do actually plan on sleeping. Or at least trying to. God knows how long it's been since you've slept properly, and not because of injuries.

Papyrus starts cleaning up the dishes when you hear the low rumble of Asgore’s voice calling Frisk into the living room. Probably to work on ambassador duties. 

Frisk quickly signs goodbye before rushing off to see Asgore. This leaves only you and Papyrus sitting in a peaceful silence, only filled with the sound of rushing water from the sink.

Unfortunately, the period of peace is soon over as Papyrus quickly finishes washing the dishes. He turns the sink off, ending the monotonous sound of streaming water with a few spare drips coming from the faucet.

“OKAY, IF YOU’RE GOOD TO GO, I’M DONE HERE.”

“yeah.” You say, only a bit quiet.

Your fatigue has only really just hit you since your last sleep, now coming in full force. You were probably distracted before, but now it is calm, and there is nothing to distract you from the tiredness that lines your entire body, deep into your soul.

Both of you walk upstairs and into your room in relative silence. Papyrus goes and sits down on his bed, while you lay on yours, facing the wall.

Sleeping… is probably not the best thing right now. Inevitable nightmares can make it seem that way at least. But, you're so, so, tired…

‘Dad?’ You think, as a shadow of a tall, slender figure comes into view. The shadow becomes clearer, details enhanced, and you are stuck staring into the cold dead eye sockets of someone you used to call dad. Someone you didn't save.

His expression changes, morphs from a cold one, to a warm and loving one. He looks up at you, sadness in his eyes.

“Sans…” He says softly, in the voice he only used when he truly cared about you, “Why did you… Why did you let this happen?” His voice is still calm now, but has a bit of a sharper edge to it.

“Sans, didn't you realize I was changing? That I wasn't who I once was? Why didn't you do anything about that? Anything at all?” He says, eye sockets narrowing at you, and his tone gets rougher.

“You let me beat Papyrus. You let me do that. You didn't stop it. You didn't try to stop it. You just sat back and hoped it would go back to the way it was. But it never did. You know why?” He starts grinning wickedly as the once black scenery changes into something all too familiar…

“This place… this is where you did it. This is where you damned me to an eternal hell. Did I deserve that? Did I, your father, deserve that? Did you not even want to save me from insanity? It sure seems like it.” He says, turning away from you. 

“You could've done something, you know? You could've tried to change me back. That wasn't who I was, and you know it. You made me deal with my mind slowly dying and being taken over by a madness that consumed me, and yet you did nothing. Did you really not care about your father? Did I mean that little to you?” He asks sadly.

You try and speak, say i'm sorry, but find you physically cannot bring yourself to.

“And yet you have nothing to say about that. You never did care. You still don't care about anyone, or anything.” His voice turns cold once again as he speaks.

“i care.” You finally manage to say, weak and pathetically.

“It's too late for that though, isn't it?” He asks, “ You've already done what has been done. And for once this won't be RESET.”

You body starts moving towards him, towards him as he leans over the edge of his creation. You try and did your heels into the ground, but to no avail. You can't stop it. You've done this already, and now you're going to have to relive it.

You try and scream but find you can't. All he does is stand there, once bitter face replaced by one with a deep frown.

“no!” You manage to scream, but it's too late.

You push him. 

He looks at you with a sorrowful expression and says, “This is your fault.”

He falls into the CORE.

You wake up.


	19. Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you thought you hit rock bottom, but you keep on digging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't even saturday yet, but eh, is half an hour away, close enough. This chapters a little bit shorter than I wanted it to be, but I liked where I ended it and didn't want to ruin the mood. However (please don't quote me on this, it might not even happen) I might try to post an extra chapter this week. So, I guess, just check back here? I dunno. Do whatever you want; I don't control you.
> 
> Anyways, as always (and I always say this, but it really means a lot to me) Comments and Kudos are appreciated greatly. They honestly make my day when I see a new comment or a bunch of Kudos.
> 
> That being said, here's the next chapter :)

“SANS?” 

You're covered in sweat, but pay that no mind.

Why didn't you save him? Why did you push him? Why didn't you try?

Why even try?

It's not like you trying has ever done any good. You either try, or you don’t, the outcome will be the same. None of your actions can really affect how things will turn out.

But you hate yourself even more for that. You don't try. Even if there's no point in it, you should still care enough to try. Care enough to try for the ones you love.

But you already know you're not good at that.

“Sans?”

You couldn't save him. You couldn't save Papyrus. You couldn't save anyone. You really are useless.

You drove him to the point of insanity, and failed to bring him out of it. Instead you did something worse than killing him. You pushed him into his own creation, shattering him across time and space, forever damned to an eternal hell.

“Sans please calm down…”

Calm down? Relax? That's all you ever done. Sit back and take what's happening to you. Give up and don't try.

Your breathing, only now realizing it was erratic, calms down. You don't care. What happens happens. You can't do anything about it. You can't change the outcome of anything. You had your chance; you could've saved him, could've saved Papyrus as well, and tried to stop the RESETS also. But you didn't. And now everything is set in stone. Failure, RESET, repeat.

“Sans…? Are you okay?”

“yes.” You say, tone straight and emotionless.

“It… looked like you were having a nightmare… I tried to wake you when I noticed, but it seems you woke up yourself.” He looks at you sadly, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Papyrus’ face clearly shows that he's expecting a refusal, and you give him exactly that.

“no.”

Papyrus looks at you, trying to see any expression on your face, but you give him none. You don't care. Nothing matters. 

“Sans…” Great, he sounds disappointed in you. But isn't he always? “We can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. Stop pretending there's nothing wrong, because there so clearly is.” He pauses to gauge your response, and when you give him none he continues, “There's something wrong. And we need to fix it. If not for your sake, for mine. Please…”

“you can't fix what's broken.” You say in that same bland voice.

“Sans! Please don't berate yourself like that. You're not broken, it's just your situation-”

You cut him off. “i think you and i both know that this is all my fault. this whole ‘situation’ is my fault. you shouldn't have to fix my mistakes.”

“Sans, please, I just want to help…”

Your emotionless mask breaks for just a second as you contemplate your choices. You can't tell him… But why? If he truly doesn't matter…

It's not even like Papyrus will remember. He’ll forget in the inevitable RESET. So why not appease him now? He wants to know, why hold back and make him disappointed? You've already hit rock bottom, haven't you? His opinion of you can't get any worse, right?

“the old royal scientist. our f-father.” You try to maintain a monotonous tone, only briefly stumbling on the word ‘father’. “he died. doesn't matter though.”

“What?” Papyrus says, obviously stunned by your sudden outburst of information. “Our father? I don't- I don't remember him. Why? Of course it matters!” He says, trying to collect his thoughts.

“i dunno. you were young. probably just forgot. it's not important though.” 

Papyrus’ tone is so much more emotional than yours, “Are you sure? It seems like it matters.”

“nah, it really doesn't.”

Papyrus looks at you skeptically, doubting your truthfulness. But it's not like you can tell him what really happened. Because it didn't. You shouldn't care. You don't care.

You don't feel anything.

“Okay…” Papyrus says hesitantly. He looks at the time before adding, “It's not that early, If you want I could go make breakfast?” He sighs then adds in a lower voice, speaking to himself but you still hear, “Maybe you'll eat more this time…”

“sounds good.” You say, but without any real enthusiasm. Your voice is still the same emotionless tone.

Papyrus tries to end the conversation on a lighter note, as he walks out the door and says, “NYEH HEH HEH, PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE BEST OF BREAKFASTS!” But you can still sense the sadness in his voice.

He slams the door, not quite as loud as usual, but enough so as if you were sleeping, you might stir. Now, you just sit on your bed and think. And try to feel. But it's like all your emotions are locked away, and you're living a life that isn't yours. It feels almost like a dream.

But you want to feel. Are you even alive right now? Or are you just reliving a fantasy of a RESET in a horrible nightmare, still trapped underground and stuck in the loop? You don't know, and that scares you.

What can you do? What can you do to feel? 

Your eyes wander around the room, searching for something, anything, that can ground you to what you can only hope is reality. You pause your search of your room, eyes lingering on the bottom drawer of your dresser.

You pull yourself over onto the other side of the bed, reaching and slowly opening the draw. You pause however, hand hovering above the pairs of shorts strewn about. Didn't you say you would try? Try to be better? Try not to cope with physical pain?

What a disappointment you are.

You go back to digging through the draw, searching for the thing you hope will bring you feeling, sensation, anything! You just need to know this isn't some cruel dream. Some cruel dream about a timeline that you can almost believe won't be RESET.

Your hands turn up empty, despite shuffling through the whole draw more than once. Papyrus probably found it. Great. He's such a good brother, he doesn't deserve you.

But you can't stand this lack of feeling anymore. It's as though you are someone's puppet, moving, yet lacking any true emotion or feeling towards your surroundings. You need something to bring you out of the state.

You need something that can inflict damage. You need pain. You need something that can give you that pain. But where? But what?

Sharp. Sharp can dig into bones. Sharp can make you feel. You need something sharp.

Can't be from the kitchen, Papyrus is there. He’ll see you and that never ends well. But what about… no, Frisk didn't take that with them, did they?

But they did say this would be the last RESET. And it seemed as though that knife held a certain sentimental value. And it's worth a try, because this feeling, or lack thereof, is driving you insane.

You make your way out of bed, quietly opening the door and closing it behind you as you step into the hallway. The lights are out, it's still early enough that everyone is sleeping. You just will have to be careful not to wake them.

You creep into Toriel and Frisk’s room, taking small steps as to make as little sound as possible. Looking around, you see a small bag of unsorted possessions they gathered while underground. It's conveniently placed on their bedside table, and you’re happy they haven't sorted through it and put everything away yet.

The room is only filled with the sounds of Toriel’s snores, and the occasional shuffle of a blanket, but it doesn't seem either of them are close to waking up. You spare a glance to their direction before starting to work your way through the bag as quietly as possible. 

How has it come to this? Looking through a child's possessions for a knife? How low can you go?

Guilt can come later though, as right now, all you want is to feel something, pain being the only solution you see right now.

You're crazy.

Your hand hits against hard metal, finding the real knife, as opposed to the plastic one Frisk sometimes carries around. Guess they did decide to take it after all. You close the bag and put everything back into their original positions, careful not to make anything look as though it was disturbed. You quickly leave the room and retreat back to your own.

You sit back on your bed, twirling the knife in between your fingers. A knife, huh? This is new. Should still get the job done. And that's good, because you don't think you can stand this a moment longer.

You hold out your wrist, old wounds mostly healed but still visible in the small light the moon supplies as it shines through the window. You press the tip down, light at first, then harshly digging down into the bone.

As much as it hurts you to say it, the pain feels good. 

Not good as in a happy way, but good as in a you can feel again way. The numbness, once covering your whole body, dissipates in your arm.

The feeling quickly fades as the pain does though, so again you press the tip of the knife into the bone, this time willing yourself deeper. The sting hurts, but you feel it, and you're glad because you actually feel something.

The pain stays this time, burning slightly, but still not enough. You continually make perfect lines across your whole bone, crisscrossing against the fading ones previously there.

.35/.5 HP

Your decreased HP makes this a bit harder, not like you care, you probably won't die. Your goal right now isn't death anyway. If you die… well you die.

The stinging on your wrist is gratifying, leaving you less numb and hollow than before. But the pain will fade you know, and you will need more.

You roll up your shirt and expose your ribcage, looking at the old scars, as well as the obvious sign of breakage from your attempt. Your chest covers the majority of your body, guaranteeing satisfaction in the amount of pain you will receive, letting it spread through your whole body.

You dig knife into bone. Again. And again. And again.

You're crazy.

But you feel something.

.1/.5 HP

The knife is covered in a fair amount of dust, your dust, and you throw it to the corner of the room suddenly as you pause to look at it. It clangs against Papyrus’ bed frame, the sound vibrating throughout your whole body.

Your breathing, now jagged and sharp, you try to  
calm it. It's okay. It's not the kid. It's you. You did it. You're the one in control here. Nobody died. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay you're okay you're okay you're ok-

You bring your legs tight into your chest, wrapping your arms around yourself.

You're okay. You're perfectly fine. Nothing's wrong. You're normal. You're not upset at something that didn't happen. You're not upset over timelines where everyone died, and timelines you reached the surface before. You're not upset. You're okay.

You don't know how long you stayed like that, but only are broken out of your trace as you hear the sounds of someone getting up from the next room.

God, how could you be so stupid? Papyrus could've just come in here and found you like this, a mess, covered in your own dust with your weapon thrown in the corner.

You shakily get up, steadying yourself on the bed frame, and walk over to where you threw the knife. You pick it up, holding it tightly as to not drop it in your shaking hands, and use your now rolled down shirt to wipe the dust off of it.

You're about to see if you can return the knife back to Frisks’ bag, but you listen and hear the muffled murmurings of Toriel in the adjacent room. Guess you'll have to return it later; hopefully the kid doesn't realize it's gone.

You try and clean yourself up, straightening your ruffled clothes a bit before wondering what to do with the knife for now. You can't keep it in the bottom drawer, as Papyrus knows that spot, but maybe under your bed?

You get down and look under your bed, noticing a small box filled with pictures of you and Papyrus. Hearing more voices in the air now, you decide that this will have to do for now, and you put the knife into the box, then pushing it back underneath the bed.

You take a moment to breathe as you stand up.

You can feel.

You're okay.

You're not broken.

At least that what you'll make everyone think. 

You pull on a big smile and start to head downstairs.


	20. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An object under enough pressure will always break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus chapter! So yeah, uhh... finished this chapter earlier than I expected to. But I just wanted to post it so here it is! 
> 
> Just want to quickly say that I can't believe i've reached chapter 20. Everyone's been so supportive of this story and I honestly wasn't expecting that.
> 
> So in summary: you guys are all awesome. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Breakfast is great. Well looks great. And smells great as well. When you receive your plate however, you eat quietly and slowly, enough to boost your HP back to the maximum, but not eating everything.

Everyone's rather quiet at breakfast, a feeling of melancholy hangs over you all, as well as the pounding of rain coming from the slightly open window. It seems it's just one of those days today, and everyone will be staying inside.

Breakfast is short lived; you participate in the little conversation that is had, but it's soon done as Papyrus and Undyne collect the plates. 

Papyrus takes yours, smile lessening a bit at the amount left, but doesn't comment, which you're glad. You're okay right now, but you feel as though one comment would break your composure, sending you into a sea of guilt.

“Alphys!” Undyne starts as soon as the dishes are put away, “Wanna go and pick out an anime we can watch? It's not like we're doing anything else today.”

“Ah, that sounds like a great idea, we can watch some of this a-ni-me.”

You chuckle a small bit at Asgore’s obvious lack of understanding of what anime is.

“O-okay Undyne.” Alphys says, and is promptly carried out of the room by Undyne.

“I’M GOING TO DO THE DISHES IF THAT IS ALRIGHT? I DO NOT NECESSARILY… LIKE THIS ANIME THING.”

“You mind if I help?” Toriel asks.

“OF COURSE NOT LADY TORIEL! I ALWAYS APPRECIATE A HELPING HAND!”

“Frisk, you wanna go watch some anime?” You ask, “i'll make sure they picked out a good one.”

Frisk nods vigorously, and hurries into the living room with you in tow.

Asgore heads up to his room saying he'll come back down when they choose the anime, which might be a while judging from the shouts coming from Alphys and Undyne’s room. 

Frisk sits next to you on the couch, and you watch them, seemingly off in their own world. You lay back on the couch, trying to clear your mind, think of nothing.

It's only when you see Frisk starring in a blank corner of the room that you turn your attention back to them.

“uh… Frisk? you okay there?”

You really hope they aren't doing what you think they are.

They turn their attention to you, first looking guilty, than sheepishly starting to sign. ‘Well you know Chara’s good now…’

They were doing that.

They say Chara’s okay, but can you truly believe them? You can't, but you still shake your head yes.

‘Well they told me… that they…’ They look you in the eye, ‘Saw you. Last night. I think?’

“what?”

‘They saw you looking through my bag.’ They sign quickly. ‘I'm not mad at you. I just want to know why?’

“uh…”

‘I looked and I saw the knife was missing. I'm sorry. I know you can't trust me, but I won't ever do that again. I understand why you took the knife away.’

The look on their face is overwhelming guilty, and you hate to see that look on them. Even if they deserve it. You like the kid. 

You sigh, “it's uh… not that.”

They don't deserve to feel even guiltier because of you. They probably already are plenty upset about it you're sure. You don't need to add to that.

‘Then… what?’ They sign, looking confused now.

“i just… um…” You rub at your arm, a nervous tick you now realize you have.

Frisk notices this however, and takes action. ‘Sans…’ They sign, before reaching out to grab your wrist. 

But you pull away, not wanting them to see. They look at you, face now set with sadness and understanding of what you have done. The might be young, but they certainly know about things no child should. Like this.

(And how it feels to murder everyone you love.)

You stare at them for a brief moment, trying hard to keep your face devoid of all emotion. Keeping all your true feelings behind a mask. But you can feel yourself slipping, and you suddenly turn away from them and walk quickly to your room.

You even hear them call out for you, voice soft and gentle, but you pay them no mind.

Your new mask, not as strong as the original, is breaking quickly. Guilt and embarrassment cloud your mind as you lock the door and sit on your bed.

God, why do you mess up everything? You can't even kill yourself right. You make and then break promises. You mess up everything.

You'd say you deserve death, but that's too good for you. You deserve to suffer like he did, because of your incompetence.

There is a knock at the door. You ignore it.

You curl in on yourself, and sit in the corner of your bed, head tucked in your lap. You don't deserve to be alive. But your friends don't deserve the shock of finding you dead.

You don't know what to do.

The knocking gets louder, and there's a quiet voice shouting your name. 

“Sans!”

“go away kid.” You manage to choke out, trying to keep yourself from sounding on the edge of tears, but failing.

“I'm getting Papyrus.”

“wait…” You say softly. You doubt they could hear you, but you don't hear their footsteps walking away.

You get up slowly, and unlock the door with a click, then go back to your spot huddled in the corner of the bed. Frisk comes in slowly, looking at you before climbing up on your bed to sit next to you.

“Sans…” They say again as your head is down, and you would be unable to see them signing.

They reach out and grab your wrist, and you don't move, because what can you do? You can't. You can't do anything.

As they gently roll up your sleeve and quietly gasp at the sight, you bury your head closer into your lap. How pathetic are you, that a kid, a kid is handling your issues! What is wrong with you?

“Sans look up please.”

You comply by ever so slightly turning your head up, only uncovering your eyes. Frisk switches back to signing. ‘I'm sorry.’

Your words are muffled as you speak, “stop. this isn't your fault. it's mine.”

It's yours. It's your fault. It's always your fault. Everything goes wrong because of you. You do nothing right.

‘No it's not. You-’

You speak before they can finish signing. “it is. you shouldn't have to deal with this.”

You feign a yawn before Frisk can even start again. “look kid. i'm getting tired. can we talk about this later?”

They look at you a moment before signing, ‘Okay...’ obviously displeased with your response, but not wanting to push you. ‘I'm going to get Papyrus.’ 

They walk out of the room slowly as you get up and lock the door behind them. You can't let Papyrus in. Frisk is probably telling him what you did. You can't ever look at him again. You won't let him look at his disappointment of a brother.

You go back and lay on your bed, wishing nothing more than being able to sleep forever. But even sleep isn't freedom for you because it’s haunted with nightmares. Not like you don't deserve them though.

“SANS? ARE YOU IN HERE? FRISK SAID WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK.” Papyrus says as you hear the clanging of the doorknob as he tries to open the door.

“yeah i'm here. i was just gonna sleep. m’tired.”

“CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR AT LEAST?”

You don't respond, only hurrying your face deeper into your pillow.

“SANS? PLEASE? SOMEONE’S SUPPOSED TO WATCH YOU.”

You don't respond again. You don't deserve anyone's time. You don't need to make their lives worse by having them watch you. Especially Papyrus. He's done nothing wrong to deserve you.

“SANS PLEASE. YOU’RE SCARING ME NOW.”

God, he does sound scared. You can't do anything right. Talk to Papyrus: mess up. Ignore Papyrus: mess up. Wow, you really are a failure no matter what.

There's nothing to lose, you think, as you drag yourself out of the bed and unlock the door. Papyrus probably can't be even more disappointed in you.

As though the guilt you already were feeling wasn't enough, when you open the door Papyrus’ seems on the verge of tears. He scoops you into a hug quickly, and you feel guilt and embarrassment. He was so worried. And just because you can't be trusted to be alone in a room for five minutes. 

“SORRY, I MIGHT HAVE… OVERREACTED THERE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN. I LOVE YOU SANS.” 

He shouldn't.

“sorry Paps.” You say softly as he puts you down. “god, i'm sorry. i'm an idiot.”

You go and sit on your bed, and Papyrus sits next to you.

“AS I WAS SAYING… FRISK SAYS I SHOULD TALK WITH YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHY?” Besides the obvious reason that you're messed up.

“i dunno” You say sheepishly, rubbing at your arm. 

Papyrus sees this, and when you realize you stop, but too late. You have to stop doing that.

“SANS, CAN I SEE YOUR ARM?” You don't reject, so he grabs it gently. You look at his face as he surveys your arm, and are deeply disturbed by his lack of reaction. He's getting used to you doing this. He shouldn't be. That's not right. You're not right.

“I GUESS… WE CAN WRAP THIS UP LATER. DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY?”  
You shake your head. “WELL…” He switches to a lower voice, “You know how you mentioned our… father? You said he was the old Royal Scientist right?”

You shudder slightly at the change in topic. You don't want to have to think about him. How you didn't save him.

“Well, when I was doing the dishes, I asked Miss Toriel about the Royal Scientist before Alphys. And she said she couldn't remember as well.” You really hoped he wouldn't put the pieces together. But of course he did.

“Sans, what happened.”

Maybe it's Papyrus’ pleasing voice, with an overlying tone of sadness, or maybe it's just the fact you've reached your limit, but you just

break.

“i'm s-sorry, i d-didn't mean t-to! i d-did it! i killed h-him!” You burst, tears starting to fall from your eye sockets. “he just, he j-just, didn't t-treat us okay! h-he was t-turning insane and i didn't even d-do a-anything about it!”

You refuse to look at Papyrus as you continue. “he h-hurt us, and i d-didn't do anything a-about it! i juts p-pushed him into the Core!” You take a breath before speaking again, “i p-probably caused h-him to t-turn insane. i was a w-weak son. a d-disappointment. h-he probably couldn't s-stand me anymore. it was fine w-when it w-was just me, but then h-he started to hurt you as w-well! and… and… i-i-” You crumple in on yourself as guilt consumes you.

“Sans, i'm sorry.” Papyrus says, pulling you into a hug. You know he has no real idea of what you just said; you just blurted out random information, it's probably a lot to take it. But you can't stand how quick he is to go by your side. You just said you killed someone! Why is he so nice to you!? Why is he saying sorry!?

“stop saying s-sorry! none of this is your fault, it's all mine! i deserve every horrible thing that happens to me! everything is my fault! why are you so nice to me? i d-don't deserve you.”

“Sans…” 

“why? all i've ever done is mess things up. why do you want me around? don't you see i would be better off dead? you'd be so much better without me.”

You start chuckling at yourself, but it eventually grows into a crazed laugh. 

“it's so funny!” You say, tears coming to your eyes. Whether from laughter or sadness you can't tell. And you don't care.

“it's funny because even if i was dead, i wouldn't even get the pleasure of staying that way! it's all going to RESET in the end anyways. this conversation doesn't even matter because you won't remember it.” 

Your laughter tapers off into a loud sob, and you hurt your face in your hands.

“god, i'm such a mess.” You say in between tears.

You both sit there, Papyrus hugging you as you cry, for what seems like forever. Your tears eventually dry however, and in one last burst of a wave of emotions, you're wracked with guilt and shamefulness. 

“i'm sorry. i didn't mean to, i didnt, i-i…” You trail off, letting Papyrus pick up.

“Sans it's okay. You're okay.”

“no i'm not. i'm such a mess. you don't deserve to be burdened with me.”

“Well... I guess you might not be okay right now.” He says sadly after a pause, “But that's okay. Because you will be. I promise.”

You sit there in silence for a little longer before Papyrus speaks up again.

“You will be okay.”


	21. RESET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fake it till you make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i am so sorry. This chapter is super short. Like super duper short. to be fair, I did an extra chapter this week, but still, i suck.
> 
> Not wanting to make excuses or anything, but i've been super busy this whole week, plus there is a blizard going on and yeah.
> 
> Here's this chapter. It might feel rushed because of the previous things mentioned, and i'm truly sorry for that.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated so much!
> 
>  
> 
> I totally didn't use the short word count on this chapter to my advantage to make the total word count exactly 40000
> 
> also, i edited the formatting of the first chapter so it doesn't look like garbage. not that anyone asked. or cared. but it was really bothering me, so here's that random piece of information you don't need.

“How about you actually go to sleep, and we can talk about this more when you wake up?”  
Papyrus says, as you both pull out of your hug.

You simply nod, mentally exhausted from the sea of emotions you just experienced.

“Sweet dreams.” Papyrus says as he retires to his own bed to sit down.

Yeah, that is not going to happen. You doubt your dreams with have any semblance of sweet.

You lay one your side and face the wall, tired, but not really sure if you want to sleep. Because if you sleep, there will always be nightmares to go along with that. And you don't really want to be having a nightmare when Papyrus is in the room watching you.

But you're tired, and you feel yourself drifting off slowly…

You're in a deep, dreamless sleep. It's peaceful, you think, but as soon as that thought enters your mind, you wake up.

Why didn't you have any nightmares? Why did your time asleep seem so short? Did Papyrus get you up?

You lay on your back and opening your eyes slowly, looking up at the cream ceiling of the-

What.

No, no, no, this can't be happening. The kid was fine on the surface! Why did they RESET? Why?

You spring out of bed and check your arm. No tallies. You lift up your shirt and check your ribcage. No marks.

You're hit with a sudden wave of dizziness, and come crashing to the floor on your knees.

“no, no, no, no, no.” You say, starting in a mumble, but increasing in volume. “no, no, NO, NO, NO!” You scream, digging your fingers into your skull.

Why? Why would the kid do this? Why? You can't take this. You can't take this anymore.

You hear Papyrus shouting your name downstairs, but you don't respond. You know what he's going to say. You've relived this day too many times.

“SANS!”

You can't even muster up enough willpower to respond. You're mind is a mess, a jumble of incoherent thoughts, unable to come to a consensus on how to deal with this. You can't deal with this.

“SANS!”

Not again not again not again not again not ag-

Your eyes shoot open to the sight of Papyrus standing over you in front of a navy blue ceiling.

“SANS?”

You're shaking, but you pay that no mind as you breath a sigh of relief. It's okay. You're okay. It was just a dream. It didn't happen. You're on the surface.

“SANS, ARE YOU OKAY.”

You're okay. You're here. It didn't RESET.

You take a few deep breathes. You're on the surface. Your hand moves to your arm, feeling the tallies. They're there. You're okay.

You shakily respond, “y-yeah.”

“NIGHTMARE?”

“yeah.”

“I’M ASSUMING YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?”

He looks so let down. So disappointed in your lack of ability to tell him anything. 

It's not even like it's that big of a deal. It's pretty obvious you have nightmares. Just not telling Papyrus makes him more upset and worried about you. And he shouldn't be upset or worried about you.

There’s really no harm in telling him.

“well…”

“IT’S OKAY SANS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.”

He just expects you not to tell him. He's grown used to you keeping information from him. He grown used to being disappointed in you. He's grown used to your lack of trying. 

One more look at his face tells you you can't keep doing this. You have to at least try to stop disappointing Papyrus.

“i, uh, woke up. in my bed. underground i mean. i kinda freaked out a bit.”

“OH.” His face goes blank for a second, but then changes to an appreciative one. “I’M SORRY. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN… SCARY. I KNOW I DON'T EXACTLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, BUT I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.” He offers a small smile.

You both sit there in an awkward silence before Papyrus speaks again, “SO… DO YOU WANT TO TALK? ABOUT… WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE?

“umm…”

“I MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE TO.” He says quickly, sensing your hesitance. “I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH… YOU’VE GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND.

“uh, maybe later.” You glance at your alarm clock. “can we get lunch?”

“OF COURSE!” Papyrus replies almost immediately, probably appeased at your acceptance to tell him about your nightmare. Even though you still can't tell him about what he truly wants to know. Because you're a pathetic disappointment.

“I KNOW MY SPAGHETTI IS GREAT! BUT, WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING ELSE? LIKE SOUP PERHAPS? I’LL HAVE MISS TORIEL HELP WITH IT, AS I KNOW YOU LOVE HER COOKING ALMOST AS MUCH AS MINE!”

“sounds great Paps.”

“OF COURSE IT DOES! NYEH HEH HEH!”

He picks you up and carries you downstairs, being careful, but still going quickly. He sits you down at your usual seat in the kitchen, leaving briefly to get Toriel.

“How are you doing today Sans?” Toriel asks.

“m’ okay.” You reply. Not exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth.

And as you watch Papyrus excitably start to cook, with a bunch of help from Toriel, you think.

You know you're not okay. That part's pretty much clear. But you want to be. And you'll try to be. 

Fake it until you make it is what they always say.


	22. Scientist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, i'm so so so sorry. This chapter is being posted late, and it's also a bit shorter than I wanted it to be and-
> 
> Honestly i'm a mess right now, I had such a busy weekend I had no time to write.
> 
> I'm not trying to give excuses though, the word count should be back to normal when i'm less stressed out and have more time. (Which should be starting next week)
> 
> Again, i'm super sorry. 
> 
> On another note, Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! Seeing a comment posted makes my day, as well as seeing how many people left Kudos each day! I love you all!
> 
> PSA: this chapter might suck really bad I wrote it super quick

“HERE’S YOUR SOUP SANS!” Papyrus says, placing a steaming hot bowl in front of you. “DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK OR…” He trails off, allowing you to pick up.

“nah, thank you though.”

“OKAY THEN. MISS TORIEL, WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN US?”

“Oh, of course Papyrus!”

They both sit next to you after having taken their own bowls. You pick up your spoon and take a small sip, really not expecting a flavor, but getting a small hit of one. You take this opportunity to make a pun.

“Tori, Papyrus, this is souper good.”

“SANSSS, REALLY?” He groans as Toriel giggles, but both of them have a certain relief present on their face, seeing as you are up to your usual jokes.

You really aren't though, you just knew that saying that would appease their worries slightly. They've been worrying about you too much lately, and you need to put an end to that. You're fine (No you're not). Nothing's wrong.

Soon everyone is done with their bowl, and Toriel offers to do the dishes, allowing you and Papyrus to leave. You both walk to your room in silence, anticipating the conversation to come. You have to explain yourself.

“SO…” Papyrus starts as you come into the room, “DO YOU WANT TO… TALK?”

You really can't get out of this because of your previous outburst, so you agree. “i guess?”

You sit on your bed and process how you're going to explain this. You also think about Papyrus’ reaction to your failures as both a brother and a son. The fact that you actually killed someone, and that it won't be RESET.

“Alphys.” You say suddenly as the thought comes to your mind.

“WHAT?”

“Alphys will probably want to know as well…” You say sheepishly.

Why would you say that? 

Does Alphys really need to know? No she doesn't. There was no reason for you to mention her. She doesn't need to think any lower of you. Neither Papyrus. You shouldn't have said that. Yet you did.

“OH… OKAY. I’LL GO GET HER.

You have half a mind to say no, you changed your mind, but decide against it. It's too late to recover from your sudden outburst. Alphys will just now know how much more of a horrible person you are than she originally thought.

Papyrus leaves, and you sit there in silence until he comes bustling back through the door with Alphys in tow.

“H-hey Sans. How are y-you doing?”

“i'm fine.” You say softly, realizing now how nervous you are about explaining everything.

To be fair, you don't have to tell them. But you don't think you could handle the disappointed look in Papyrus’ eyes every time you dodge a question. And hey, maybe it would help to say it. You doubt it, but it might be good to get it all out there. All your failures as both son and brother. Your failure to bring him out of his madness. Your failure to save him. Your success in pushing him into the CORE.

“W-what did you w-want to talk about?”

“o-oh um…”

Papyrus gives you a look, sensing your hesitance, but still wanting you to start explaining. You start, only because you don't want to disappoint him anymore. Even though both him and Alphys will be after hearing about the horrible things you've done.

“Alphys, do you know who the previous Royal Scientist was?” She nods her head no, so you continue. “well… he was my father. me and Papyrus. he was the one who created the CORE.”

You pause to let them take in the information. “he was good. a good father once. a good scientist. he brought me into the lab eventually to help him. that's where i became friends with you Alphys. you probably don’t remember that though. no one does.” You say bitterly. “but he changed. it was probably my fault, i dunno. i wasn't the best son. i was weak and pathetic. he had helped get my measly 1 HP up, but that didn't matter. i was still a disappointment. that's probably what caused it.”

“SANS YOU’RE NOT-”

“please… just let me finish.” You say, taking a deep breath. You're probably going to regret this later, but you're just getting it all out now.

“he went mad. he slowly turned insane. he just got stricter at first; he demanded we be home at certain time, restricted us from staying out too late. but it got worse. he… he didn't like us. it wasn't Papyrus’ fault. he got violent. he screamed at us and… hit us when we didn't do what he wanted. when we weren't up to his standards.”

You compose yourself to explain the next part. It's strange, it's easier than anticipated to explain, but you're sure you're going to feel guilty for saying it later. When Alphys and Papyrus realize how bad a messed up you are.

“but that wasn't the worst part. he… uh… he d-decided t-to-” You get choked up and Papyrus offers for you not to continue, saying, “SANS YOU DON’T HAVE TO-” But you cut him off. “i d-do. you deserve to know.”

You take a few deep breathes again, only mildly upset at yourself now for your incompetence at explaining. And feeling regret over things that never happened.

“Determination.” You look over at Alphys who seems to grow upset at the very mention of the word. “you know what it does in large doses. but… calculated, precise doses from a m-man who really knew w-what he was d-doing with the stuff…”

Alphys lets out a small gasp, grasping on to an idea of what he did to you, as Papyrus still seems confused.

“Y-you d-don’t mean he… he…”

You give a small, weak nod. “h-he i-injected m-me with it.” Papyrus’ face grows concerned, not fully understanding the true effects of Determination, but getting the concept of how bad it must have been from Alphys’ reaction.

“he never did it to Papyrus though.” You say quickly, then adding in a smaller, more subdued tone, “i made sure of that.”

A dense silence fills the air before you start to explain the most difficult part. “o-one day though, i-i got fed up w-with him abusing us l-like that. t-there was a p-problem at t-the CORE. i dunno w-what it was, i j-just know h-he had t-to go in and f-fix it.” You take a shaky breath, “s-so i f-followed him there, a-and w-we had an a-argument and i… and i… i pushed him! i pushed him into the CORE!” You outburst, finally being able to say what's been on your mind, not caring right now what their reaction is.

“i'm sorry! i just- i just… couldn't take it anymore! and the- the CORE was malfunctioning, and- and i… i… he… he disappered. from everyone's minds. everyone's memories. except mine.”

You stop for a minute to gauge Papyrus and Alphys’ response to your outburst.

“It’s okay Sans…” Papyrus says in soft voice, trying to calm you. But it's not okay, and you try to make that clear.

“no, it's not okay! i did something worse than killing him! he got trapped in the void! he didn't die, he got something worse than death. and i did it. to our own father. i couldn't save him from his insanity that i caused, so i sentenced him to a fate worse than death! that's not okay! i'm not okay! i deserve to be in his place.”

“S-sans, you c-can't really think t-that? After a-what he did to you? With t-the… Determination… He d-deserved it.”

He didn't though. You put in him that position to begin with. But one look into Alphys’ eyes tells you she won't be easily convinced of that fact. And you're not going to try and convince her. Because you know it's true, and she'll eventually find that out.

“Sans, I… I’m sorry.” Why is Papyrus saying sorry when you should be the one apologizing? “You've had to go through so many things that I didn't know about, and each thing I learn shows how strong you really are. Nothing that happened is your fault. Not the RESETS, or this man who you dare call father. I don't exactly understand the effects of Determination, but beating you as well? Beating us? With the Determination on top of that? I've seen the after effects of Determination, and if he did that to you… even the slightest bit…” He cringes slightly. “I’m not one for hurting people… but for once i'm glad this man isn't here.”

“You can't h-honestly think t-that any of t-this is your fault, right? That man… all h-he did was h-hurt you. Even if you did something wrong, which i'm s-sure you didn't, that's n-no excuse for d-doing what he did to y-you. For h-hitting both you and Papyrus? For… injecting y-you with Determination? T-there was no r-reason for him to do that. It’s not y-your fault.”

But it is. Why can't they understand that? It's your fault. It's always been your fault. Everything you do affects someone negatively. You’re a weak, pathetic, disappointing nuisance and you don’t deserve-

You feel the gentle touch of Papyrus pulling your hand away from your wrist. Guess you subconsciously started digging into yourself again. God, you're such a mess.

“Sans, don't be afraid to tell us what you're thinking. We care. We aren't mad at you. We're not disappointed, or think you’re a burden, or anything of the sort. We just want to help.”

“sorry.” You mumble, ashamed at your inability to keep from harming yourself without others around you. 

“It's okay.” He pauses for a moment, probably figuring out what the best thing to do next would be. “How about you go downstairs and hang out with Frisk? And maybe Toriel and Asgore as well? They always seems to cheer you up. They actaully enjoy your puns.” He adds the last part with a hint of humor. “I’n just going to… talk with Alphys about this, if that's okay? I just need to process this.”

“Yeah, its j-just a lot to take in, y-you know?”

You give a small nod, and start to head out the door. You understand. They probably don't want to talk about how messed up you are in front of you.

“J-just one last t-thing.” Alphys interrupts before you're completely of the room. “T-this may seem l-like a dumb question, b-but did he have a n-name?”

“hm?”

“T-that man. Y-you said he w-was the previous Royal Scientist?” She starts to look nervous. “It’s o-okay if y-you d-don't want t-to answer, I j-just-”

“W.D. Gaster.”

You walk out the room.


	23. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pressure can bring out the best in people. Or the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok first of all, when did my summaries become philosophical sayings? The started out sorta describing the chapter but now they're like moral lessons talked about in the chapters???
> 
> Anyways, don't really have much to say besides that besides Kudos and comments are super awesome like always :)

“Hey Sans!” Undyne shouts as soon as you make your way downstairs. “Wanna watch some anime?”

You only respond with a nod of the head, still shaken up from your previous conversation, before heading over to sit next to her on the couch.

Frisk offers a small wave, showing you their position on the other couch. Undyne turns the volume up on the tv, and you turn your attention to the screen. They're in the middle of an intense battle scene, but you soon zone out and don’t pay attention, just trying to clear your mind. Undyne’s sudden voice whispers next to you, startling you out of your haze.

“So what was that all about?”

“what?” You whisper back.

“You know what i'm talking about. What were you shouting about upstairs?” She says, louder than before, but still just a bit over a whisper.

“oh…” She heard that. No doubt she heard that. “just talking. ‘bout stuff.” She doesn't need to know. You've already told more than enough people about issues that should stay yours.

“Care to elaborate?” You shake your head no, embarrassed, but still unwilling.

“Ugh, you always do this.” She says, now speaking at a normal volume. “Do you know how long Papyrus has wanted to get something out of you? He's been so worried about you.”

You sit there, staring back at her, trying to keep a neutral expression on your face.

Of course you know. Of course you know how much of a burden you are, and the fact that it takes so much to tell Papyrus anything. You know he's worried about you. You know he shouldn't be worried about you. You know you’re stubborn regarding information, but you also know it's information that would burden everyone else's minds. It's information only you should carry.

But yet you told them.

Your lack of response prompts Undyne to continue. “He's been so worried about you, and you keep making this so difficult!” She says slightly louder, catching the attention of Frisk.

“m’sorry.” You say under your breath. Whether or not she catches it, you don't know.

“I mean, I get it, I guess… Alphys had sort of the same problems.” She pauses quickly, only to continue shortly. “But Alphys basically got over all her stuff. And yeah, it's hard, but your problems really aren't as bad as Alphys’. Not that i'm mad at her, but she did some pretty bad stuff. And you didn't. So I don't get why you just can't get over it!”

“i'm sorry.” You say again louder, but this only seems to anger her more.

“You're sorry?! Is that all you have to say? Papyrus has been worried sick over you, and all you have to say is i'm sorry?! You went and pulled your little stunt, but did you ever think of the consequences? Your actions have an effect on people other than you, you know. I've never seen Papyrus that upset, and it's all your fault.”

At this point, Frisk is frantically signing for Undyne to stop, but you hear her words. You know her words are true, and finally, finally someone said it out loud. You’re selfish. You cause Papyrus pain. It's always your fault. You can't get over your problems. You burden everyone else.

But you still say sorry.

Is there really an excuse for what you've done? Sorry won't cut it. You've caused everyone pain, even Papyrus. Who's the best thing in your life.

“i know.” You say softly, catching Undyne’s attention. “i know i'm messed up. i know i upset Papyrus. i know i can't get over my issues. i know i'm just a nuisance. i know!” Your voice gradually gets louder as you speak, leaving you shouting.

By now, both of you are standing up, show forgotten. The air is thick with silence, neither of you knowing what to say. Your face burns with shame on the fact that someone, finally, called you out all your wrongdoings. For a second you believed you could be okay, that everything would sort itself out in the end, but it's not. You thought it would be okay, but it's not. You're not. You can't believe you thought you could get better. Look at all the pain you've caused already! How can anyone who has done such things be forgiven? How could someone like that get better? They can’t.

“A-are you guys okay? W-we heard s-shouting and…”

Papyrus and Alphys walk into the room and pause at the site before them.

You can't let them see you. You're an embarrassment. A nuisance. A burden that failed to save them.

You quickly walk past them and go up into your room, locking the door. No one saying anything, too shocked by your sudden movements. It's about a solid minute until you can hear muffled voices coming from downstairs.

“WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?”

“Well Sans was-”

You turn on your side and block out the voices you hear. You know what happened. You know that your pathetic for ever thinking you could get better. Undyne was right; Alphys got over her issues, yet you can't get over yours. Hell, everyone else has issues as well, yet they can seem to get over them.

You do nothing right. Of course you had to try and kill yourself. Of course you didn't think of Papyrus. Of course you messed up everyone because of what you did, and what you told them.

You really want to take out the knife from under the bed, but you feel as though you can't move. You want the pain, but doesn't that show how much more you're messed up? It obviously bothers Papyrus when you do it, but you did it anyway. You really have no consideration for others feelings. Selfish.

And besides, you don't think you would have the energy to get up anyway. Your body feels like a brick; unmoving and plastered to the bed. You feel as though even the tiniest movements would exhaust you. Because they would. Because you're pathetic.

There is a knock at the door. “SANS?”

Suddenly you find the motivation to move, but only to curl yourself into a ball.

“SANS, COME ON, PLEASE. YOU KNOW UNDYNE DIDN’T MEAN WHAT SHE SAID.”

“Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I've just been a little stressed I guess with Papyrus and everyone being on edge with you.”

You don't respond.

“SANS I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. ALPHYS AND I MIGHT… HAVE SET A CAMERA IN OUR ROOM? SO WE KNOW YOU AREN’T HURTING YOURSELF?” Papyrus says, sounding slightly embarrassed.

Great, they set up a camera. You still say silent though, now not worried about Papyrus thinking you're hurting yourself since he can see you.

“Dude, i'm sorry. I really didn't mean it. As I said, just stressed.”

But she did mean it. She meant every word of it, otherwise she wouldn't have said it. Papyrus is probably making her apologize, the kind soul he is. She shouldn't have to apologize for being right. For saying the truth when no one else would.

You can't get better. You're not getting better, and you can't. Why did you think you could? No one as broken as you, having done the things you've done, can get better. You were foolish to believe otherwise.

“SANS…”

You hope they leave. You hope they leave and never come back and leave you in your room to die. You're only a burden alive. You're also a burden dead. You're a burden no matter what.

_“Sans you piece of shit! Where are you?!”_

_Your father sounds pissed. You look around the corner you're hiding behind and catch sight of him standing over a broken plate. Shoot! You forgot to clean that up after Papyrus dropped it. You go to hide behind the corner again to avoid his rage, but unfortunately he sees you._

_“No you don't.” He says, swiftly moving to grab you before you can do so much as take a step._

_“Did you do this?” He says coldly, and you in turn take the blame, not wanting him to go after Papyrus._

_“y-yes, i'm sor-”_

_“I come home from a long, stressful day at work, and this is what I come back to?!” He slaps you across the face hard, bringing you to the floor as you were not suspecting the blow so soon._

_“You can't do anything right! How easy is it to clean up a broken plate?”_

_“i'm sorry, i forgot, i-” He interrupts you with a kick to the ribs, ending your words with a grunt of pain. However you'd still try to continue to appease him. “i know, i'm sorry, i messed up.”_

_“You think? Why do I even keep you around? You're useless. Worthless. You're only a burden to me.” He kicks you again, and you try and stifle a groan. “I thought you were smart! Apparently not smart enough to be able to do a simple task.”_

_“i'm s-sorry, i-”_

_“Do I have to get Papyrus in here for you to really listen?”_

_“no, please no!” You say without a second thought. Papyrus did nothing wrong. Yes, he might have dropped the plate to begin with, but you're the one who failed to clean it up. You're the one at fault. Papyrus shouldn't be punished for your failure._

_“No?” He kicks you harder then he has before, causing your ribs to crack slightly. “No?! Since when do you talk back to me? I work hard to provide for you and your brother, and you dare speak back to me?! What is wrong with you?”_

_“i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!” You say quickly._

_He yanks you up harshly, causing you to cry out in pain slightly. “You're going to clean this up. Now.” His voice holds no choice. You have to do what he tells you, otherwise he'd be even angrier._

_He punches you in the face hard before turning to walk out of the room. “This better be cleaned up in five minutes, otherwise…” He trails off, allowing you to only imagine what he plans to do._

_Quickly recovering from the blow to spare his anger later, you kneel down and start to clean up the broken plate with your hands, not having any tools to pick the pieces up with. You hear him murmuring to himself as he walks away. “I don't even know why I keep him around.”_

_Why does he keep you around? You're useless._

You lay in your room. You don't know how long its been, but you don't care. Papyrus came to try and get you to eat, but you didn't respond or open the door. You're not hungry.

And besides, he knows you're fine because of the camera he put in your room. And you find yourself kind of pathetic for that. They need a camera to watch you?

You also feel bad for taking up Papyrus’ room as well. You should probably let him in to sleep with you, but he's much better off sharing a room with someone else. Someone who's not a disgusting, pathetic, weak little skeleton.

You drift in and out of consciousness, not knowing how long you've been laying here for. Not that you care, but it's only when Papyrus comes up to your room again that he tells you.

“SANS PLEASE, IT'S BEEN WHOLE A WHOLE DAY ALREADY. SURELY YOU'RE HUNGRY BY NOW?” He pauses, gauging your response, of which you give none. “PLEASE, I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU…”

“you shouldn't be.” You say quietly, not sure if you're talking to Papyrus or yourself.

Papyrus sighs, “BUT I AM… WE ALL ARE.” And you hate how he says it because you can tell it in his voice that he's telling the truth. The raw honesty hurts you. “PLEASE, IF YOU WON’T DO IT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR ME. PLEASE.”

And it hurts you so much, the moral dilemma inside your mind. You want so badly to say no, stay holed up in your room until you die of starvation or anything first, but you don't. You don't because Papyrus is your weakness.

You unlock the door and head downstairs with Papyrus.

 


	24. Pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the smallest amount of light can make a difference in darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is a bit early. and a bit shorter than i would have liked as well, but this went in a completely different direction than i originally intended for this chapter.
> 
> pardon the horrible metaphors i make within this chapter they're so cheesy and i don't even know if they make sense.
> 
> also! i added an icon for my name! but it's actually just a crappy drawing i did on snapchat so excuse how bad it looks.
> 
> as always, i feed off of comments and kudos so they are very much appreciated!

Undyne refuses to look at you at dinner.

Now, that wouldn't be so out of the usual in itself, but the guilty look on her face every time you do manage a glimpse of her tells enough. She’s ashamed. Most likely about what she said about you. But why? Everything she said was true.

It's probably Papyrus’ fault. He always brings out the best in people, therefore making Undyne feel guilty about the negative things she said to you. But she shouldn't. You shouldn't feel ashamed of speaking the truth.

Dinner is relatively silent. The rain has been going on for the past few days, still holding a gloomy feeling over the household. Everyone gives you pitying looks, if they weren't there they probably heard about Undyne’s outburst, but those looks make you feel even worse than you already do. Somebody spoke the truth about you, and since the truth about you is bad, they apologize. Not you. You should be the one apologizing for your actions.

“So Frisk,” Toriel starts after a lengthy period of silence, “Do you want to go shopping with me tomorrow? I would say we already did…” She glares at Undyne and Papyrus in a mostly joking way, “But it seems all of the ingredients are pasta or pasta related things…”

‘Of course, Mom.’ Frisk signs back.

“Thank you sweetheart! Would anyone else like to go? I would never mind more company.”

You look over at an indecisive looking Papyrus and make your own comment.

“Paps, how ‘bout you go with them?” You say, voice slightly off.

Papyrus, however, takes this as an agreement that ‘you're going to be okay if he leaves you alone for a while’ thing.

“OF COURSE! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA! UNDYNE, WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

Whether he would have usually invited Undyne along, you don't know, but you still feel guilty. Papyrus doesn't want you to react like a child again if you're left with someone that doesn't baby you.

“I WOULD LOVE TO! But me and Alphys kinda already had plans for tomorrow.”

“WHAT KIND OF PLANS???” Papyrus says suggestively, and you can't help but laugh a little.

“You know… Plans.” She says quietly, breaking into a small blush.

“Undyneeee!” Alphys wines, but her annoyance is betrayed by the dusting of light pink on her face.

‘Are you two going on a date?’ Frisk signs with a mischievous look in their eyes.

The answer is given when both blushes increase to a beet red color. You smile at their antics. It's funny seeing the usually boisterous Undyne so shy about going on a date. It's also great to see that Alphys has finally found someone for her that will treat her nice. Someone that will help her out when she's in trouble. Unlike you.

Asgore, who has been quiet this whole time, finally speaks up. “So I guess I should be staying home?”

You look down at the table as he mentions this, ashamed of yourself. Asgore might have had plans for tomorrow if not for your ‘suicide watch’ thing. Instead, he has to stay home and make sure you don't do anything stupid. He shouldn't have to do that.

However, Asgore notices your behavior and speaks up again. “Not that I was going to go anywhere tomorrow anyway. I was probably going to stay home no matter what.”

You feel his gaze upon you as you still refuse to look up at everyone. Fortunately, Alphys pipes up before the silence gets too awkward.

“Umm, yeah! Y-you should probably stay h-home.”

Nobody says anything for a bit after that. The only sound to be heard is the pounding of the rain outside, and the clinking of utensils on plates. The sudden silence was uncomfortable at first, but now the awkwardness drowns out to a more bearable white noise.

Eventually, everyone finishes their plate and politely excuses themselves, minus you and Papyrus. He starts doing the dishes as you sit there, for once enjoying the peace and quiet. However, moments like this are hard to find. Moments where you can forget about life for a while, forget about your issues for a while. So it's no surprise that when Papyrus finishes up, you're drawn out of your peaceful state, and back into rocky territory.

“DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS NOW?” Papyrus asks.

You shrug. You'll probably do anything Papyrus wants to do. Because he's the best.

You both walk upstairs in relative silence, only hearing the tv downstairs where Alphys and Undyne are undoubtedly watching anime. You both head to your beds, exhausted from the day, even though you really did nothing.

“GOOD NIGHT SANS!” Papyrus says cheerfully, but the sentence holds a kind of irony. Both you and Papyrus know that you will have nightmares. You can never sleep without nightmares.

You roll onto your side, welcoming sleep if it comes, but not truly inviting it. You hear Papyrus settle down with the ruffle of blankets next to you, then quickly go to sleep as you hear his deep, even breaths. Laying there, you slowly grow tired and your eyes shut and-

You open your eyes. Where are you? Looking around, you take in the sight of the small, cramped bedroom you shared with Papyrus when you were younger. Your hand brushes up against something puffy, and as you look down at your smaller self, you see you're wearing the jacket you always wore when younger.

“Sans?” A gruff voice calls from the adjacent room. “Are you in here?” A knock against the door echos through the otherwise silent room.

“yeah?” A young voice responds, and it takes a second to realize it's coming from you.

Your father walks in, still dressed in a lab coat, stains covering the majority of it. You look up at his face, where a deep frown is set. “I um…” He struggles to find the right word, “The teachers at your school told me… You've been skipping?” He phrases it as a question, most likely not wanting to believe the truth until it comes from your mouth.

“mhm.” You agree quietly.

He pauses slightly, regaining his composure and steady voice. “Well I have to say that that is unacceptable. You have to go to school.” He looks at you, yet you refuse to look at him. “There is no excuse for that.”

He walks up to you. “Unless there's something wrong?”

“no.” You say quietly, a blatant lie as you remember it, but your father doesn't seem to catch onto that.

“Well than, why? Was there any reason? Or were you just lazy? I know school is easy for you, but that's no excuse.”

“no, i just…” You trail off, not knowing how to explain your situation without giving it away.

“You just what?” He says, now bordering on anger.

Another memory comes to your past self. A memory of teasing and taunting. A memory of kids at school who just look for a victim. A memory of you being the perfect target. The low DEF monster. The weak one they know won't fight back.

“i-i…”

“What? Do you even want to go to school? To get a good education?” His voice raises at your inability to explain. “Do you not care about learning?”

He towers over you now, casting a shadow over your small frame. You shiver slightly in your spot, but he is unaware, too consumed by his sudden rage.

“I thought you were better than this! I can't believe you!”

“s-sorry…” You say timidly.

“Sorry. Sorry! Sorry won't cut it!”

He strikes you hard against your face, causing you to stumble backwards.

Both of you stand there in silence for a time, both of you not knowing what happened. Your _father_ is the first one to speak up.

“I-i'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I-”

You cut him off by running out of the room, shoving past him.

The next day, you know now, is when he first invited you to work with him at the labs, undoubtedly guilty at what he had done. You reluctantly agreed, not wanting to cause your father any more trouble by being around him.

No one ever found out about what happened at school. You didn't let them.

Now though, you run and you run and you run into the deepest darkness, trying to flee from your mind. Memories pop out of nowhere. Your first day at the labs. Bullies at school. More abuse from your father. Alphys’ developing depression. Determination injections.

You pushing him into the CORE.

Some of these seem related, some may not, but all have a common ancestor. A single determined cause for the outcomes. You. Specifically, your failures. And although these memories are glimpses at best, you find yourself regretting the actions that caused them. You find yourself regretting being alive to cause those actions.

It seems as though you relive all of your mistakes within mere minutes, despite each one feeling like it lasts a lifetime with the negative feelings that come with it. It's only when you open your eyes for the final time to the dark blue ceiling, drenched with sweat, that you awake.

You lay on your back, breathing heavily for a moment to calm yourself. All things considered, that wasn't the worst nightmare you could've had. You knew all of those things. You knew you messed up. Sure, the memories may still be considered nightmares, but in reality they are mild compared to your average ones.

Glancing at the clock briefly, you note that it's 4:28. It seems as though you actually managed to get a decent amount of sleep. For your standards anyway. And even if the sleep was haunted by nightmares, it's better than no sleep at all, right?

You groan slightly as you sit up, throwing the blanket previously entwined around you to the side. Removing your uncomfortably damp clothes, you reach over and stand up to change into another pair. Normally you wouldn't bother, but it's about time you changed anyway. You can't keep wearing the same outfit forever.

Normally, on nights like these, (which happen to be most nights nowadays) you wallow in self-loathing until you would have to place on a fake grin and get on with the day. But for some reason, you don't feel bad. You don't feel incredibly good either, but more of an in between feeling, bordering on both. It's not a numb feeling, as you once had, but more of a sadness. A simple sadness that has nothing to do with the dark pit of depression you are in. It feels like a beam of light has made its way into where you lay, giving you a small hope. A small glimmer of what's waiting for you outside this pit. A reassurance that there is something outside this dark and deep pit that's good. But that's all it is, a reassurance.

But it doesn't feel like false hope. It's not even hope per say, more of a chance. There's a chance you can experience what's outside of this deep hole. That the whole world isn't like this pit. There is a world besides where you reside right now. A world that is so different from where you are, that it seems perfect. But it can't be perfect if you could even fall into the pit in the first place, right?

Whatever this feeling is however, you don't mind it. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just there. And you welcome it as it takes away the darkness from the pit, no matter how small the light.

And you bask in the small light this feeling gives, if only for a little while.

You lay back on your bed after changing, and listen to the still pounding rain outside.

Rain is such a cliche thing for sad movies and such, you think. But even if rain is used for those purposes, many people can still find the beauty in it. Sure, rain can mess up your plans for the day, cause you to reschedule and whatnot, but some people enjoy the rain. Some people find happiness in the rain, as strange as it may seem. Some people, even though the rain might mess them up and make others sad, still love the rain for what it is, no matter the negative emotion usually present with it.

In many ways, you realize, you are like rain.

This thought comes and goes quickly, but you still recognize it for what it is. You mess up everyone's lives, that's for sure. But like the people who love the rain, Papyrus still loves you. He still treasures you. Even though you mess up more often than not and cause distress in everyone's lives. He still cares about you.

You face grows less tense as you fondly smile at that analogy. Papyrus is so great.

And if Papyrus loves the rain, well, maybe you can learn to as well.


	25. Buttercups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Experiences can change someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 500 Kudos? 500 Kudos?! When did that happen? I can't believe 500 people actually like this story! 
> 
> So, in honor of reaching 500 Kudos, an almost 50000 words, a created a double length chapter to bring the total up to exactly 50000. You guys deserve longer chapters honestly.
> 
> PSA: I wrote this chapter pretty quickly, and i'm super tired right now so I didn't have time to proof read it. So there's probably mistakes. Like, a lot. I'll try and fix them later but I just need to sleep right now lol.
> 
> That's about all i have to say, so I hope you enjoy this chapter!

It's only when Papyrus’ alarm goes off that you finally roll over and close your eyes. Sure, it maybe seems foolish to still pretend you're sleeping, even if Papyrus probably knows you aren't, but it's just habit at this point.

“SANS?” He asks quietly. “ARE YOU UP?”

You reply sleepily, “i'm pretty sure the whole house’ll be up soon if ya don't turn that off.”

“OH!” He says suddenly, reaching over to turn the alarm clock off. “SORRY…”

“it's ok.”

“WELL, SINCE YOU’RE UP…” He pauses, looking indecisive for a moment, “DO YOU WANT TO COME DOWNSTAIRS TO HELP MAKE BREAKFAST?”

Judging by the lack of violent noises emiting from Undyne’s room, you assume she’s sleeping in instead of helping with breakfast, so you agree. It'll give you something to do besides just laying here, if anything.

“sure.” You say, with as much enthusiasm as you can manage at this early in the morning.

“REALLY? WOWIE! COME ON SANS!”

He picks you up and starts to sprint downstairs. If he's this excited about cooking with you, you should be sure to do it more often.

Papyrus navigates the house in darkness, only turning the light of the kitchen on when you both reach it.

“I WAS GOING TO MAKE PANCAKES TODAY,” He says, putting you down, “SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF THERE WAS A SEVERE LACK OF FOOD PUNS. PREFERABLY ZERO.”

“c’mon Paps!” You say exaggeratedly, “you're bacon my heart here.” You finish, winking at him.

“I AM JUST GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN’T HEAR THAT.” Papyrus says, turning to face the counter so you can't see the small smile forming on his face.

“okay, okay, fine. i'll try to keep the puns to a minimum.”

He starts to shuffle through the cabinets, presumably looking for ingredients. “I THOUGHT TORIEL MIGHT HAVE ONLY BEEN EXAGGERATING WHEN DHE SAID WE ONLY HAD PASTA SUPPLIES… SHE WASN’T.

“was she really eggxagerating?”

“YES SANS I JUST SAID- WAIT A MINUTE… WAS THAT A PUN?” He groans, “SERIOUSLY? SIGH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU?”

“i don't know…” You say in a softer, smaller tone, creating a more somber mood.

Papyrus, noticing this, tries to pull you out of your thoughts. “WELL, I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE CEREAL. HOLD ON A MOMENT THOUGH…” He scoots over to the fridge and peers inside. “AH, WE DO HAVE FRUIT! YOU MIND GRABBING THE CEREAL AND BOWLS? I’M GOING TO PREPARE SOME DELICIOUS FRUIT TO GO WITH THE NOT SO DELICIOUS CEREAL!”

“sure thing Paps.” You say as you head over to the cabinets to do as he said.

Your height was never something that used to bother you, (besides when you were a lot younger) but now, it's just another thing that messed up with you. It's another thing you hate about yourself. Your weak, deformed body, that's nowhere near as perfect as Papyrus’ strong, normal looking stature. You don't really think about it as much as other… things… but when it becomes a problem, like being too short to even do one of the simplest tasks, you can't help but hate it.

Noticing your dilemma, Papyrus grabs a stack of seven bowls for you, causing you to look downwards in shame at being unable to do something so simple. Or at least, something that would be so simple if you didn't have the messed up body you have.

“OH, I’M SORRY! I FORGOT YOU COULDN’T REACH THAT! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO DRINK MORE MILK!” He scolds gently, and you give a weak chuckle, always amazed at Papyrus’ capability to turn your mind away from negative thoughts.

Papyrus starts to hum a cheery tune, grabbing a knife and and cutting board to start preparing the fruit. You grab the cereal from a lower cabinet, and start the mundane task of pouring it into the seven bowls Papyrus took down for you.

It's relatively short work, and you find yourself done before Papyrus has even made a dent in the strawberries he started to cut up.

Now, you normally wouldn't offer to do work, you are lazy after all, but you figure you could at least ask to help out. Papyrus definitely deserves something for dealing with you.

“hey, um… need some help?”

“OH! REALLY?” He eyes you suspiciously, finding any hint of joking in your face. Finding none however, he continues. “REALLY, LAZYBONES?” He says jokingly, “IF YOU WANT TO YOU…” He trails off though, eyes glancing over the knife in his hands.

You notice this subtle change in focus, and automatically feel guilty. Papyrus, seeing your change in expression however, makes an offering. “HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT? I DOUBT YOU’VE NEVER EVEN DONE ANYTHING CLOSE TO COOKING BEFORE, SO I, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS, WILL GIVE YOU THE BEST OF LESSONS!”

Giving him a small smile, Papyrus gestures to a seat at the table, allowing you to sit down. You comply, realizing for what seems like the millionth time how cool Papyrus is. 

You spend the rest of the time before everyone comes downstairs cutting strawberries with Papyrus’ help. He guides your hands at first, showing you the proper cutting technique, (it's painfully clear he learned this from Toriel and not Undyne) but eventually lets you do it on your own, carefully observing you of course.

And yes, you do feel extremely awkward at first, having to be watched while cutting fruit so you don't purposely harm yourself, but it's not that bad. At least Papyrus makes it seem not that bad. He always makes you feel better about everything. Like the opposite of you. But you're trying. 

Eventually everyone comes down, showing as much surprise as they can handle in the morning about seeing you in the kitchen. But you soon all settle into a comfortable breakfast.

Of course, it's not as good as it would have been had there been proper ingredients for Papyrus to cook with, or at least what Papyrus said anyway, but it's good. It's not as tense as it once was. And as you look out the kitchen window, you notice the rain has stopped now, and the sun is almost completely risen, casting an orangey glow across the whole room.

It's really beautiful, you think. The surface is really amazing. You've been here before of course, but you never got to truly revel in the vastness and elegance it really offers. You were always waiting for the next RESET that always came, and is sure to come this time too, but it's like a new experience. You feel as this time you can finally enjoy it, having a chance for it not to be RESET. And even if it is, (which it probably will, and you'll be devastated) you'll get to know this side of the surface you never knew. The side you never knew because the world RESET before you could honestly experience it.

It seems everyone else is having similar thoughts, if not about RESETS, but the beautifulness of the surface, as you notice everyone's gaze towards the window.

“This has to be the most beautiful day yet.” Asgore states, and everyone agrees by nodding their head.

The transfixion on the sunrise soon ends as the sun reaches its full potential in the sky, halting the brilliant display of oranges and reds, and now holding just a bright yellow. Everyone cleans up their bowls by putting them in the sink, and Asgore offers to do the dishes, but Papyrus insists that he'll do them as soon as he gets back from shopping with Toriel.

“Oh, that reminds me!” Toriel says, “Frisk, let us go upstairs and get ready! Papyrus, I will meet you back downstairs when you are ready?”

“OF COURSE MISS TORIEL!” Papyrus excitedly exclaims before almost sprinting out of the room.

Toriel giggles before heading upstairs herself, taking Frisk along with her.

“Alph! We gotta get ready!” Undyne whines. “We have reservations and the place is far away!” She pauses before speaking again. “UGH, you're taking too long. I'm going upstairs!”

“W-wait!” Alphys replies before quickly following her girlfriend upstairs.

“I guess that just leaves you and me.” Asgore says, chuckling slightly in his deep roar of a voice. “Did you want to do anything today?”

“what?” You ask confused.

“I was planning on working in the garden outside I had setup. You don't have to help if you don't want, but I would greatly appreciate the company.”

“sure.” You say, but then mumble under your breath, “it's not like i have a choice anyway.”

“What was that?” He questions.

“nothing.” You reply, trying to seem as nonchalant about the whole situation as possible.

“Sans,” Asgore starts kindly, “I understand you are upset about this whole thing, but it really is no trouble. As I said, I do appreciate the company.”

You have no response to that, choosing to sit in a stony silence mulling over your thoughts. Today started good, didn't it? Well as “good” as you can get. But then your life came along, reminding you of how messed up you really are, dampening your mood once again.

“Afterwards, would you like to have a cup of tea with me? The gardening shouldn't take too long.”

“sure.” You reply once again.

You both move to the living room to watch tv for a bit before the others leave. Asgore asks you to pick the channel, seeing as his hands are too big for the buttons, and you comply, picking the news channel.

Now, you haven't been paying attention to anything newswise, whether it be actual news or just weather. It just didn't seem important to you since the first time up here. Why get involved? Why get invested? It's all going to be taken away.

But, you figure, it is sort of interesting. Humans do things so much differently from the underground. They have so many channels, so many different types of shows. The only entertainment underground was Mettaton’s cheesy shows. And those only really got interesting when the human came. All in all, humans have a much wider range to choose from. But choosing the news channel really shows you how big their world is.

Of course, when you turn the tv on, they're ending a segment about monsters, which is to be expected honestly. It was a completely unexpected thing for the monsters to show up, and of course there's controversy. In so many people, there are bound to be different opinions. Even the underground was divided on matters sometimes. But humans, you learned, choose to go about it in a… different way. Violence, wars, killing. You heard from Frisk that there's barely ever a time nobody's at war. Humans tend to be… not great acting towards people that look different than themselves. They've improved, but they're still not the best at it. But another thing Frisk told you is that humans will fight for what they think is right. And sometimes they're peaceful in this fighting. And if you have people on your side, the monsters won't go down without a fight.

But that's really all behind you now. As you've heard in the small tidbits of conversation had at the table, monster-human relations are going smoothly. Frisk and Asgore don't have to go out and have meetings as often as they did when you first got here.

Toriel makes her way down the stairs along with Frisk now, dressed in a long purple sundress to accommodate for the sunny weather. Frisk is wearing a striped t-shirt, the same colors as the one they wore underground.

“Is Papyrus down here yet?” Toriel asks.

“surprisingly, no.” You say, also noticing the absence of Papyrus. “he's probably picking out the best outfit to wear.”

“Okay-” Toriel is interrupted as Papyrus makes his way downstairs.

“I AM HERE! SO SORRY, I DID NOT MEAN TO KEEP YOU WAITING.”

“It was no trouble at all, we just got down here.”

‘Yeah, we just finished getting ready.’ Frisk signs.

“OKAY THEN! ARE WE HEADIN OUT NOW?”

“Sure, if you're ready?”

“YES OF COURSE! SANS,” Papyrus says turning to you, “YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY?”

“course Paps.” You say, not really trusting your statement that much, but wanting to offer Papyrus some reassurance.

“Okay, see you later then.” Toriel starts, walking out the door.

Frisk makes a grabbing motion, signaling Papyrus to pick them up and put them on his shoulders.

“YOU WANT TO GO UP? NYEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE!”

He lifts Frisk, gently placing them on his shoulders before saying a last goodbye and ducking while walking out the door.

“Did those weenies leave yet?!” Comes a shout from Undyne, who's coming down the stairs carrying a furiously blushing Alphys.

You're about to respond, but chose not to, allowing Asgore to take your place. “Yes, i'm afraid they just left.

“Too bad! I wanted to tell Papyrus to make sure to get extra ingredients for our cooking lessons!” She says while walking over to the window and peering out. “OH! Our taxi’s here! Bye then!”

“B-bye Asgore! Bye Sans!”

“have fun on your date Alph.” You say, winking at her.

Her blush, if even possible, increases, and you give a small smirk as they walk out the door. They really are a cute couple.

“Ah, so you want to head outside?” Asgore asks, and you look down at his outfit. “Oh, should we change? I'm still wearing my pajamas aren't I.”

“i mean if you're fine with it, i'm fine with it.” You say, honestly not caring whether or not the old king wears his fluffy pink and yellow pajamas outside or not.

“Hmm. I guess so. I think I just have to water and feed the plants, I do not believe there are any weeds. So it should be fine.”

He leads the way to the back door, opening it for you and allowing you to step outside.

“i...uh…”

“Oh! I'm sorry, I almost forgot, you have not seen the garden yet, have you?” You nod so he continues, “It's just on the side of the house.”

Asgore takes the lead again, heading round the corner to where the garden is at. Coming across the garden, you notice a small shed he walks into quickly and comes out with a watering can. The “garden”, you realize, is more a collection of buttercups than anything else.

“They're really beautiful, aren't they?” Asgore says, catching you looking at the flowers.

“yeah.” You say truthfully.

The flowers really are beautiful, like all others you have encountered on the surface, but these ones really seem to shine. Maybe it's the great gardening skills of Asgore, but these flowers just seem so well taken care of, so carefully planted and displayed.

Asgore starts talking again as he carefully weeds his way through the flowers to water them. “These were Chara’s favorite.” He says sadly, “They didn't know the proper name for them, so I told them they were called buttercups, but they still insisted on calling them golden flowers.” He pauses, reminiscing in the memory. “It's almost tragically beautiful that these same flowers were the ones that… that they used to… sacrifice themselves.”

You don't say anything, afraid your comment would ruin Asgore's feeling of nostalgia. “You know… They weren't the happiest of children. They never said why, but Toriel and I had an inkling. They didn't lead a happy life on the surface.”

He finishes watering the flowers and puts the can back in the shed. “Of course you probably hate them though, for what they did.”

“what?”

“You said that Chara was the one who arose from Frisk’s Determination, right? Or did I mishear you?”

“oh, yeah.”

“I just can't believe they would have done that.” He says somberly, “I knew they were troubled but… that. They wanted to save all the monsters… Why would they…?”

He looks to you for an explanation you can't really give. However you try your best. “they… didn't know what happened, i think. they were confused. how would you feel if you suddenly woke up, but you had died years ago? then Frisk started killing everyone they once knew as family?” Your eyes go dark at the recount of the memories, but you blink and regain your eye lights. “well let’s just say they didn't channel their anger in the healthiest way.” And neither did you, you want to say, but decide against it. “they're changed. they're not really the child you had known. experiences like that… can change a person.” You would state the obvious about you being affected like that as well, but you figure it goes without saying.

“Well, if it's any consolation, i’m sorry again that you had to go through that.”

“thanks.” You say simply, without real meaning because you don't really deserve his apologies.

“I'm about done here, you want to head back inside for a cup of tea?” Asgore says cheerily, trying to brighten the mood.

“sure.” You start as you both head back inside.

Heading into the kitchen, Asgore heads towards a small tea kettle and a wooden box full of tea bags. “I would ask what you want,” He says kindly, “But i'm afraid I only have one type.” He demonstrates this by holding up one of the tea bags. “Chara always loved the tea, Asriel not so much, growing up with his father making it and all.” He sighs. “I'm sorry I keep bringing up memories like this, I just can't help thinking about them all the time. There are so many reminders of them all around us, and it is painful and beautiful at the same time.”

“i really don't mind. it's nice you care so much.” 

And it is. The way Asgore talks so fondly of his children, even if they turned out so very wrong in the end, still warms your metaphorical heart.

“Ah, i’m afraid that's not always the case…” He trails off sadly, pouring water into the kettle and turning the stove on. “Well, I think you know my reaction to the humans that killed both my children.” He pulls over a chair and sits across from you at the table. “Toriel left me as you know. I was devastated. But apparently not enough to stop what I was doing.” He sadly looks in the distance, no doubt thinking about the past. “We all make mistakes. You do, I especially do, but we learn from them. I don't want to even try to compare what I have been through to you, you have been through much, much worse. But I dare say I understand how you're feeling. Not exactly, but enough to have an idea of what you're going through.” He looks back at you, “I killed six innocent children. And who knows how many times I had killed Frisk. And I know Toriel hates me for that. And she may never forgive me. But I was not in the right mindset underground. I took the responsibility of king too seriously, focusing all of my energy into my work to try and forget the horrible acts I was committing. Thankfully however, Undyne was there to console me most of the time, making sure I did not retreat too far into the dark recesses of my mind and forget who I once was. Undyne was there for me when I needed help. I was still mourning the loss of my children, the loss of my wife. For all I knew, Toriel ran away and died. Then, when I saw her when Frisk came, I was ecstatic! Imagine how I felt when she straight-out rejected me. Even now, she hates me for what I did. I know i'm rambling here about my problems, but there is a point i'm trying to make.” He gets up as the tea kettle whistles, grabbing two cups and carefully pouring tea into both. “You're past may come back to haunt you. But you can get over it. With support from people and motivation, you can get over whatever your troubles are. And we all are here for you.”

He hands you the cup of tea and you offer a small thank you. “Of course, I don't understand exactly what you're going through, but I just wanted to offer my two cents.”

“thank you, again.” You say sincerely.

You take a small sip of the tea, and to your surprise it's pleasantly warm, not burning hot like Undyne loves to make it.

Asgore's little speech made sense in a way, you think. He's been through some rough points as well, maybe even made enough mistakes to counter your own. But the advice he offered was sort of simple and reassuring. Obviously Asgore hot over his problems easier than you, not turning to self-harm and even an attempt at suicide, so that's a low blow. 

Asgore had lost two children, then his wife, yet still didn't turn to the methods you chose to use. He's lost so much more than you, but is still about able to get over everything. Well, not everything, but it's still a lot more than you've managed. And you feel kinda guilty about that.

But it's also a sort of inspiration. If he did it, maybe you can too. It's a slim chance, seeing as you've already resorted to some of the lowest measures. But it's a small hope, and you take hold of it, no matter the size.

So you sit and drink tea, something you don't usually enjoy, but now appreciate the full aspect of it. It's relaxing. You hear the birds singing outside, you now notice a glimpse of the golden petals of Asgore's garden in the window. It's nice. It's not perfect, but it's nice, and that's really all you can hope for.

The silence between you two is calm, and is only interrupted when Asgore sets down his cup with a clink against the table. “Are you done as well?” He asks politely.

“gimme a second.” You say before draining the rest of the cup in one last sip. “here.”

He takes your cup with his and puts them in the sink, presumably for Papyrus to clean later.

“uh, thanks.” You say, feeling like Asgore deserves some kind of actual response to his kind words before. “for, umm, this. it was nice.”

Catching the meaning behind the words Asgore replies. “You want to do this again sometime? It would be a pleasure, honestly. It was nice to have someone to talk to.”

Your conversation is shortly interrupted by the sound of a door being slammed open.

“WE’RE HOME! AND WITH INGREDIENTS!” Papyrus says while walking into the kitchen where you and Asgore are sitting.

Toriel and Frisk come in soon after. “Well that definitely was… one of the more passionate shopping experiences I had.”

“The humans didn't give you any trouble?” Asgore asks.

“Surprisingly, no. It seems they are getting adjusted faster than we could have hoped!”

‘Going shopping with Papyrus is the best!’ Frisk signs excitedly. ‘We need to do this more often! Sans, you should come next time.’

The look on their face makes it clear you won't be getting out of this one, but you still like to tease them a bit. “eh, maybe…”

‘Please?” Frisk signs while giving you puppy eyes. ‘They had a lot of ketchup…”

“well in that case…” You say jokingly.

“DID YOU AND ASGORE HAVE A GOOD TIME WHEN WE WERE GONE? I KNOW EVERYTHING IS BORING WITHOUT MY PRESENCE, BUT DID YOU HAVE FUN?”

“yeah, i had a good time. watered some flowers. drank some tea. probably did the most physical activity i've ever done in a while.”

“SANS!” Papyrus groans, but it seems like he's relieved nothing went wrong.

And you are too. It's been awhile since you've had an “okay” day, and this seems to break the streak. Everyone's in a good mood, even you. Sure, it might go away soon when left to your own thoughts, but you take the moment as it is. 

One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont ask why asgore was watering flowers the day after it rained.


	26. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though it seems like you fell all the way back to the bottom, you're still hanging on a ledge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I'm so so so sorry about this chapter's length. I've been busy packing for a trip i'm going on and every things super stressful and stuff.
> 
> Which leads me to another point that I'm so sorry for: I'm going on vacation.
> 
> Now normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but 'm going somewhere without wifi so I won't be able to write or post chapters. For a whole week and a half!
> 
> As I said i'm so sorry, I hope you can forgive me :3
> 
> I'll be sure to post as soon as I get back so don't worry!
> 
> Also! Here's the link to the fan art I posted in the April fools chapter: http://twishard.deviantart.com/art/Permanent-smile-fanart-671817962

You'd been doing so good!

It's been about a week since you had the chat with Asgore, and you felt  _ okay _ . Not perfect, but okay, and that's all you could have really hoped for.

It wasn't that noticeable at first, but you felt like you were changing, felt like you were getting better.

But it's noticeable when you don't feel the same. It's noticeable when you go back into your dark pit, but this time without the light. It's noticeable when you feel all your negative thoughts come back one day after waking up. Not that they were completely gone, but it was better.

And now it's not.

And your wrist is all scratched up again. It stings as you press the knife against it. The knife you snuck out in the middle of the night to get because you’re just that pathetic.

And you drag it across your bone over and over because you're just that weak. Just that stupid. Just that useless. Just that worthless. Just that-

You wince slightly as you dig deep into your bone, but it doesn't matter. The pain doesn't last long enough anyways.

Your HP is bound to be dangerously low right now, but you really don't care. You probably won't die. Not that it matters.

But didn't you try and change your thinking? Didn't you try to change your outlook on life? Or did the last week, where you were actually doing okay, mean nothing? Are you really that much of a lost cause?

You weakly fall to the kitchen floor, abandoning the knife with a sharp clang against the ground. Your vision blurs slightly, going dark around the edges. You don't even want to check your HP. It's not like you didn't deserve it anyways.

“Uh… Sans…?”

You quickly turn your head up to the doorway where the voice came from, a voice that is unmistakably Undyne’s.

“h-hey Undyne…” You try to say in a steady voice, hoping her eyes haven't adjusted enough to the dim light to spot the knife next to you or the specs of dust along your wrist.

“What are you doing?” She asks sleepily, obviously confused.

“what are y-you doing?”

“Me and Alph were gonna watch anime all night, but I fell asleep. So I felt bad when she woke me up, so I came down here to get her some instant noodles. I just don't- HEY! You're distracting me from the question!”

Good to know she's still very passionate, even while half asleep.

“What  _ are _ you doing?”

Instead of responding, you guiltily try to reach the knife to hide it. Unfortunately Undyne catches this motion.

“Oh.” She says quietly.

Great, now Undyne knows you're messed up and not getting better. Not that she didn't think that before, but she probably didn't realize how much of a lost cause you are. She didn't re-

Your thoughts are interrupted as Undyne suddenly picks you up, leaving you very confused in her arms. Without saying a word she carries you upstairs and into Alphys and her room.

“S-sans?” Alphys says, turning her head away from the computer she's watching.

Undyne plops you down in a pile of blankets on the bed, right next to where Alphys is sitting. Without saying a word she leaves.

“uhh…”

You can't tell if you're delirious from the HP loss or not, but you're very confused.

“Ohh.”

The look on Alphys’ face says she knows what's going on. Which is great, because you certainly don't. But it doesn’t look like she’s saying anything, as she turns back to her computer. And you, having nothing else to do, still confused, decide to join her.

After a while, about thirty minutes, Undyne comes back in, somehow managing to carry three cups of what you can assume is hot chocolate, based on the smell and copious amount of whip cream on top.

You shoot her a strange look as she hands you a mug, questioning what’s going on. She only responds by gesturing for you to drink, which you comply soon after. Taking a sip, you notice it’s really hot, but other than that, it’s pretty good.

“Pretty good, right?”

“yeah, thank you… but why?”

Alphys decides to explain. “Even b-before we were dating,” Even in the dark room you see a small blush grow, “Undyne d-did little things like this. Especially w-when I was having a b-bad day.” She looks up at Undyne with a lowing look in her eyes, and you think that those two are lucky to have each other.

“well, thank you. again.”

Not a word is said after that, but it’s comfortable. You all sit there, watching anime, up far later than you all should be. But it’s not like you were going to sleep anyways, and this is a nice alternative to being on your own, and continuing what you were doing before.

And you know Undyne probably still doesn’t like you that much. She wouldn’t have said things like she said without meaning behind them. And it may seem like she’s making up for it. But even if that is true, and it probably is, this small gesture warms you all the way to your soul. And even if this feeling won’t last long, and it won’t, you know from experience, it feels good in the moment. And it’s definitely a step up from almost passing out from injuries on the kitchen floor.

The hot chocolate tastes even better as it grows cooler, now at a warm temperature. And it spreads this warmth through your bones, through your body. And maybe a little bit of that warmth comes from this kind act, but you feel better. From either the drink boosting your HP, or your less negative state of mind, but you like this feeling. It’s nice. You wish you could feel like this all the time.

But it is better, or was better, thinking back to the knife in the kitchen. But for one of the first times in a long time. You feel though you’re  _ really  _ making progress. Really getting better. It may be at your own pace, but that’s good enough for you. And that’s all you can really hope for.


	27. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you need a little light in your life. Literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start off with apologizing. If you didn't know, the last week I was on vacation, and had absolutely no wifi. Like none. So I'm super sorry about not posting anything at that time. Also, I would like to apologize for the shorter chapters before that as well. I was hit with a bad case of writer's block, and was also super tired, so I didn't really have the motivation to write. However! Worry not! I feel as though I am over my writer's block! This chapter's still a bit shorter than I would have liked, but I still have jet lag from getting home. I know i'm making excuses, but i'll be sure to be back to the regular chapter length next update!

“SO SANS… WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS. ABOUT… GASTER.”

You wince slightly as his name is said, unused to hearing it out loud for the longest time.

It's been about a week since your “slip up”, and you thought that's all it would be: a slip up. Nothing more, nothing less. You thought you could go back to getting better, not wanting to die all the time. But no. Ever since then you've been worse.

You just had to mess it up. You could've gotten better. You had your chance. But you took it and threw it away.

Someone like you who doesn't even try to get better doesn't deserve to get better.

And you just don't get it. Your family, they keep being nice to you. Granted they don't all know about your “small” mistake last week, but they knew you were and are messed up. Yet they still believe in you.

They shouldn't.

It's just that they want to help you, everyone wants to help you, but they don't realize the only way to is to let you die. You just want to disaspear, if even for a short time until the next RESET.

Why can't they let you die?

It's not like you have a purpose. It's not like you do anything to help them. The only thing you do is mess up. You're worse than being useless because you're useless and you mess things up.

“SANS?”

“oh yeah, okay.”

“YOU KNOW HE WASN’T A GOOD… DARE I SAY FATHER.”

But that's because of you.

“AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.”

But it was.

“YOU CAN’T KEEP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THINGS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.”

You could have stopped it.

“AND THIS… GASTER… HE WAS… WELL I THINK HE DESERVED THAT.”

“what?”

You're shocked by Papyrus saying that. He's the one that believes everyone should have a chance. Everyone has good in them. He's the one who spared a genocidal child, even though he probably knew the most likely outcome of doing that.

Papyrus saying that he wants someone to be dead is a whole thing in itself. Papyrus saying he wants someone- him -to suffer a fate worse than death? Does he not grasp the whole concept of the void? The true hell hole it is?

Or does he really hate him that much?

Papyrus shouldn't though, it wasn't his fault he was insane. Wasn't his fault he did the things he did.

It was yours though.

“WELL I KNOW THIS IS A RATHER… BOLD THING TO SAY, NOT EVEN REMEMBERING HIM AT ALL BUT… I HONESTLY THINK HE DESERVED WHAT HE GOT.”

“no no no. it was my fault. he didn't deserve this.”

“SANS…” Papyrus sighs, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO GET YOU TO STOP THINKING THAT. IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. NONE OF IT. THE RESETS OR GASTER. PLEASE JUST…” His voice breaks off, his expression literally pleading with you.

However he gives up as you don't respond, sighing once again. “DO YOU WANT TO GET LUNCH NOW?”

You hum in agreement, not quite trusting your voice. You want to believe what Papyrus said, that none of it's your fault, but you just can't. You just know it's your fault. And you feel horrible for not being able to believe what Papyrus says.

But everything's your fault. It always has been, and it always will be.

You can't change the fact that you're a horrible person.

Papyrus walks out the door and after you're about to follow him, you pause.

“i'll, uh, be there in a sec. gotta ‘freshen up.’”

“OKAY SANS. I TRUST YOU.”

And you hate it so much that he puts emphasis on the word trust. You hate it that he’s offering you this small bit of freedom from someone constantly watching over you. You hate it because it's so clear you can't handle being on your own. And you hate yourself for being like that.

You sigh, a sad and exhausting sound as you head over to your closed window and pull the blinds up. You stare out the window, not really paying attention to the scenery, but more deep in thought.

It's sad. You're sad. Right now your only desire to find something, anything, to dig into bone, only hoping that it'd be deep enough to be lethal. You don't want to live. You don't deserve to live. But you're trying so hard not to be selfish and think about everyone else for once.

Papyrus would be devastated if you died. Even if it's only moments before the next RESET, you can't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that.

But he cares about you, and you don't know why. They all do. Papyrus, Alphys, Undyne, Toriel, Asgore, and Frisk.

And it just doesn't make sense.

You sigh once again, turning to the door as you begin to head out, leaving the window open for a few stray beams of light to filter in.

You trudge your way down the steps, possibly in the worst mood of this whole day so far. Your smile still remains however.

And it only brightens a little bit when you come into the room with everyone. Your family.

“Hello Sans!” Toriel greets, gesturing with her hand to the seat next to her.

Complying you sit down next to her without saying a word, but trying your best to offer a gentle smile.

Lunch is great. Well of course it's great, it was made by the Great Papyrus himself (along with help from Toriel obviously.) It's grilled cheese, and you note that someone considerately put extra tomato on it for you. Frisk however, not being a fan of tomatoes or ketchup or anything of the sort, looks at your plate with a playful type of disgust, and you wink at them.

“SO, SANS!” Papyrus says after a lull in conversation, “I WAS TALKING WITH EVERYONE AND THEY ALL AGREED THAT WE SHOULD ALL GO OUT TONIGHT. YOU WANT TO COME?”

You don't. You really don't, but you shrug in agreement anyway. It's really not like you have a choice in the matter.

“GREAT! I’M SO GLAD! I’M SURE YOU’LL HAVE THE BEST OF TIMES!”

Conversation continues on after that, but shortly everyone is done and cleans up. You go back to your room and just lay on your bed, not wanting to do anything. You feel like crap. Physically and mentally. And you're still tired because god knows how many hours of sleep you've had this week.

It's only when night rolls around that you begin to get a bit anxious about going out. What is that supposed to mean? Is it a type of test to see how you're progressing at getting more mentally stable? You'll fail if it is.

“SANS, ARE YOU READY!?” Papyrus says, as you hear his footsteps against the stairs.

The door slams open as Papyrus comes in, holding a small strip of black cloth.

“uh, yeah. what is that?” You ask curiously, pointing at the cloth in his hands.

“IT’S A SURPRISE! WELL NOT THE CLOTH… BUT WHERE WE ARE GOING! YOU CAN’T SEE THE SURPRISE BEFORE WE GET THERE! IT WAS ACTUALLY FRISK’S IDEA TO BLINDFOLD YOU!”

Overcome by his enthusiasm, he sit still on your bed as he comes and ties the blindfold gently around your head.

“i could just like, close my eyes?”

“BUT THEN I WOULDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE PEEKING.” Papyrus defends, “BESIDES, I THINK IT'S MORE FUN THIS WAY!”

More like more nerve wracking, but you don't say that to Papyrus.

Now covered by the blindfold, you feel Papyrus pick you up and carry you out and into the car. Not so surprisingly, Papyrus tells you that they have to take two cars, You, Papyrus, Frisk, and Toriel driving, and Asgore, Undyne, and Alphys in the other.

When did they get two cars???

It seems as though you've missed a lot by being super antisocial.

Papyrus puts you in the back with Frisk, and you still can't see, but you feel small hands grab your own and than a weight on your lap as Frisk decides to climb on you.

“i would ask you to tell me where we're going, but  _ eye _ can't  _ see _ m to see anything, if ya know what i mean.”

Frisk giggles childishly, then to your surprise, leans in close to your head and whispers, “It's a secret, silly.”

“welp. can't argue with that logic.”

The kid seems to be in a good mood as the car starts up, and you have to admit, it's kind of infectious. You're still a little nervous about how you're going to mess everyone's night up, (because let's be honest, you will) but Frisk’s behavior seems to put your mind at ease a bit.

“Frisk, please buckle up before I start driving.”

With a small, disgruntled ‘hmph’ in disappointment, they reluctantly climb off your lap and into their own seat.

“Thank you!” Toriel says cheerfully before starting to drive.

The ride starts off smooth but grows a bit bumpy as you presumably come closer to your destination. The car stops finally after what you think may be around twenty minutes, and you ask, “we here?”

“NOT YET! WE MUST WALK JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER!”

“ _ walk? _ ” You say overly dramatic.

“YES, WALK, LAZY BONES. ALTHOUGH IF I MUST I WILL CARRY YOU.”

“well i can't see, so…”

“SIGH, I GUESS.” Papyrus says, noticing you're in a better mood for some reason. Not a great mood, but better.

Taking pity on you, he picks you up and starts to walk. The crisp crunching of dead leaves beneath everyone's feet suggest that you're in a woodsy area. You're not exactly sure though.

You sit there, thoroughly confused in Papyrus’ arms. Why are they taking you here again? It seems like it's a surprise for just you, and you don't understand why.

After walking/ being carried for what you assume is around ten minutes, Papyrus stops suddenly, placing you on the ground. “HERE WE ARE!” He says, unwrapping the blindfold from around your head.

A beautiful scene is before you. All your friends, sitting on small blankets on the ground. The place you now recognize as the base of Mt. Ebott. But the best thing, the really fabulous thing is the stars. The view is  _ out of this world _ . It really is spectacular.

Sure, you've seen the stars before, but never like this. Never in any RESETS have you come to this area to have such a clear view. They sparkle and shine in the sky, so similar to crystals in waterfall, but so, so, different at the same time.

“SURPRISE!” Everyone shouts joyously, even Frisk as well.

“I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE SPACE STUFF, SO OF COURSE WHEN FRISK HAD THIS GREAT IDEA, (ALMOST AS GREAT AS THE GREAT PAPYRUS HIMSELF) WE HAD TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.”

He wraps his arms around you in a hug and you give him a real, genuine smile. “And it seems like it worked.” Papyrus says softly, only for you to hear.

You just continue to smile at him, feeling truly happy for one of the first times in a while.

.6/.6 HP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've decided to give Frisk my eating habits because i'm honestly the pickiest person


	28. Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April showers bring May flowers, but no one said the rain will stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> auggghhh i'm so sorry. again. for like the upteenth time. i've recently became very busy on the weekends and i'm already busy on weekdays, so a literally had no time to just sit down and write.
> 
> since i want to produce the best content for ya guys, i think for now i'm going to have to update once a week again. i'll do it on tuesdays cause that's like convienient timing and stuff for me.
> 
> again, this isn't permanent, so don't worry! i'm really sorry about this, but the chapters are honestly going to suck if i don't have time to write them, and i just want you guys to have something that better written, even if it takes a bit longer.
> 
> again, i'm sorry (i'm sure you're tired of me saying that right now, but i am super sorry for all this)
> 
> also, just want to say that i really liked the chapter summary i came up with for this chapter so there's that.
> 
> also! (again) fair warning for this chapter! i'm pretty sure that most of you won't have a problem with me dropping the f-bomb, but it's in here like twice because of my inability to come up with more creative words, so if your sensitive to it, just a heads up!
> 
> (i'm so so sorry pls don't hate me for changing my update schedule, i rly don't wanna, but it's not gonna be good if i don't)
> 
> and oh my god these notes are a mess

  
You debate with yourself whether to let anyone know about your HP. Sure, it might seem obvious to tell them, who wouldn’t, but you’re not so sure. One the other hand, if you lose it…

Well you'll decide later, your friends still did this thing for you (which you don't get _why_ they did, but they did). So you should probably enjoy it. And for once it doesn't seem like you'll have to fake it. You’re already in a good mood.

“WE BROUGHT YOUR TELESCOPE AS WELL!” Papyrus says, pointing over to a small clearing in between the blankets on the ground where your telescope was placed.

“thanks.” You say softly back at him, not upset, but just embarrassed a bit that they went through all of this for you.

The night is a whole bunch of fun and you almost forget why they did this for you in the first place. Almost. But almost is good enough for now anyways.

You spend some time looking through the telescope, looking at the moon and stars, and even jupiter. It's so amazing looking at all this stuff so clearly that you wonder how you've never even tried it before.

When you're done with the telescope and everyone else is off in their own little conversations, Frisk comes over to you and sits on the blanket next to you.

“thanks, kid.”

‘No problem.’ They sign, ‘Do you like it?’

You sigh, not sadly, but contented, “yeah, it really… it really helped.”

And you don't know why, but then and there you decide to show them your HP. Not for any particular reason that you know off, but it just feels _right_ somehow. ‘if i, uh, show you this. will you promise not to tell anyone?’

They look at you confused at first, but sign back ‘Yes’ with a determined look in their eyes.

‘i...uh… here, i'll just show you…” You bring up your stats for them to see.

Sans  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
.6/.6 HP  
Unsure of how to feel

Frisk gasps excitedly, looking back at you with wide eyes.

“but ya can't tell anyone.”

‘Why not?’ They ask

“cause… like…” You search for an explanation, “ya know… if i-i lose it again…” You trail off, looking anywhere but Frisk’s face.

They take your hands, drawing your attention back to them. ‘That’s not going to happen. I believe in you. We all do.’

Still holding your hand in their grasp, they stand up, leading you over to where Papyrus is standing. “kid…” Your voice pleads, but they aren’t listening.

They tap Papyrus on the arm, distracting him from his conversation with Toriel. “WHAT IS IT, TINY HUMAN?”

Frisk gently pushes you in front of them. “um…”

Seeing your not going to say anything by yourself, they sign to Papyrus. ‘Check him.’

You can see Papyrus’ face fall for a second before he covers it up with a somewhat forced smile. He probably thinks you lost more HP or something. It’s not like that’s the most unlikely thing in the world.

He doesn’t seem too upset yet though, seeing as Frisk’s face holds excitement, not sadness.

Sans  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
.6/.6 HP  
Unsure of how to feel

“OH MY GOODNESS SANS, THAT’S GREAT! WHY WERE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT TELLING ME?”

Toriel turns to your small group at Papyrus’ outburst. “What happened?”

“SANS’ TOTAL HP WENT UP TO .6!”

“Oh my, that’s great news!” Toriel says, also caught up in the excitement now.

It’s kind of sad, you think, that they’re this excited over something as trivial as a .1 HP gain, especially if your total is the amazingly low .6 HP. It’s kind of sad that they have the _right_ to get excited over this, because you’re just that hopeless. It’s kind of sad that _you’re_ so sad, actually feeling better because of this new discovery.

“yeah, i guess.”

“YOU GUESS?” Papyrus says, almost not believing the words you said, “COME ON SANS, THIS IS GREAT! WE SHOULD HAVE A PARTY.”

Your eye lights train on him in a silent plea, and fortunately he gets the hint. “WELL MAYBE NOT A PARTY… BUT! WE SHOULD STILL DO SOMETHING! I JUST HAVEN’T DECIDED WHAT YET!”

Frisk starts signing to Papyrus possible ideas, and soon Toriel gets in the conversation. You sort of zone out for a bit, and the rest of the night goes by in a blur. You eventually drive home, same people in the same cars as on the way there. It’s only when you retire to your bed that you’re finally able to relax for a bit.

Papyrus is asleep as soon as he hits the sheets next to you, surprisingly. You assume this was also a long night for him as well. Looking at the clock, 12:53, you’re amazed that Toriel even let Frisk stay up that late. Well, you guess it was a “special occasion”.

You also don’t know whether to feel relieved or ashamed at Frisk sharing your total HP increase. Sure, it would have came out eventually, and maybe Papyrus would be a bit peeved you didn’t tell him sooner, but…

It just seems so wrong. You _can’t_ get better. You _shouldn’t_ get better. You don’t _deserve_ to get better. So why did you?

And the more important question is: How will everyone react when lose this again? Because, let’s be honest, you’re unfixable. You’re broken. It’s only a matter of time until you just lose HoPe again.

Speaking of a matter of time, you can't believe tha kid hasn't RESET yet. It's going to happen eventually you know, either when they die or get bored, but for right now it seems as though they're keeping their promise. And you're almost starting to believe them.

But, there's the thing. If you put your trust in them, believe in their promise to not RESET, when it does RESET eventually, your feelings will be so much worse. You can't feel betrayed if you didn't give your trust to someone in the first place.

You give a small sigh as you readjust your position on the bed. Do you even want to get better? Not be as broken as you are now, able to be trusted alone? Do you want that? Because it really doesn't seem like you do.

And you can't say it's not for lack of trying, because it is. You're not really _trying_ to get better. You don't deserve to.

But that's a lame excuse too, even if it's a valid one. You should think of your friends. How excited they were when your HP increased by even the minuscule amount it did. They want to see you better. They want you to be okay. And the only person not giving them that is you.

You're really garbage. Just straight up trash. You don't deserve your friends kind words and forgiveness, yet they give them to you. Even after the atrocities you've committed. And yet you can't even bring yourself to try.

Pathetic.

You close your eyes in an attempt at sleep. About two weeks ago, your nightmares were getting better. Less violent, less frequent. Hell, there was even a day or two where you didn't have any at all. You forgot how good it could feel to get a night’s rest.

But after your mistake, your incident, they came back tenfold. You didn't think they could get any worse, but they did. Sure, it was a gradual increase over the last week, but it was noticeable, especially after being without them for a while.

So you're not really expecting a good night’s sleep tonight. After all of today's activities and your recent severe lack of sleep, there's really no choice whether you pass out tonight or not. What's up to chance is the nightmares, you think, as your mind drifts into darkness.

You're waken up by a sharp smack across the face. “Sans! What the hell are you doing sleeping? You're supposed to be working! I can't believe so even let you work here.” He says, scowling at you.

“i-i'm sorry da- Dr. Gaster. i didn't really sleep well last night.”

“Well whose fault is that?”

“...mine…”

“That's right. It's always your fucking fault and I hope you never forget it.”

It's always your fault.

You're running. You're running and you can't stop, despite being on the verge of passing out.

“S-SANS? WHERE ARE WE GOING? WHAT ABOUT D-DAD?” A small skeleton asks, running behind you and trying to keep up by holding your hand.

“i'm sorry…” you say, not to anyone in particular, but just to have out there. “i'm sorry this is my fault i'm sorry i'm sorry!” You scream to the wind, only a young Papyrus hearing your words.

The only picture in your mind now is his body, disintegrating slowly, piece by piece, and you feel like you're going to be sick just thinking about. However you push on for your brother behind you, trying to ignore the thoughts that he's probably still there, slowly being torn apart, dying and in excruciating pain and-

Your house in snowdin. There's a note on the door from Papyrus, freshly taped there. You've seen it so many times you have it known by heart. You don't need to read what it says.

You walk to that clearing, that clearing where he always makes his stand. And you know what's going to be there. A scarf. A dusty scarf and the broken pieces of armor that he wore all the time. He never took it off. Heh, heh. It's funny. It's so funny you start chuckling to yourself, standing out there in the freezing cold, fresh snow falling from god knows where. That's just makes the situation so much _more_ hilarious because god knows how long you've been trapped in this loop. Long ago having given up at escaping it. It's so funny, you fall to your knees laughing like a madman covered in snow. It's just so funny that you're _that_ _much_ of a fuck up. Couldn't even save your brother once.

It's just so funny.

Golden light shines against your bones. How many times have you been here? How many times have you killed?

How many times have you died?

You've lost track. It doesn't even matter anymore.

Say your lines, dodge, repeat. You don't get why the kid keeps doing this. Doesn't really matter though. Nothing does. You're going to die again and again and again.

The sadistic human, if you can even call them that, glares at you from across the hall with their piercing red eyes.

“How many times have we done this Sans?” They _speak_ , not _sign_ , you remind yourself, recently having caught onto this demons deal. “How many times have I played-” And you hate it how they say played, like it's just a game, that all your life and everyone else's is just a game to them, a sick, sick, game- “this route? And I know you remember. So why not save everyone? Anyone? Are you just that worthless? That you only face me now, with a power so great it could have saved everyone? You only face me now when you know it's too late?”

And you just. Don't respond. Don't do anything. You just gladly accept it, when they drive the knife into your chest, and you feel pain blossom through your middle until everything goes

black.

And then you wake up. Not to the cream ceiling in Snowdin, but the blue one of the surface. And you don't scream or shout like you usually do when you’re awaken from your nightmares, but you just sit there, shaking. Shaking and breathing heavily and covered in sweat. Because everything said in the nightmare was true.

It's always your fault.

You didn't save him.

You didn't save Papyrus.

You didn't save _anyone_ , because you're just that weak and pathetic that you can't even bother to try.

Why are you even here? On the surface? Surrounded by a good family that you definitely don't deserve?

You couldn't even save your family and friends because you didn't even try. You failed them. It's all your fault, it's all your fault, dammit, it's all your-

“SANS? ARE YOU OKAY?”


	29. Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's at fault?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo! a chapter! also, just wanted to let you guys know that this 'once a week thing' won't be for too long, just until the end of school or so. 
> 
> but don't worry! for i have been working on another multi chapter piece that i will try to write a lot in advance before i post it. so that'll be coming out soon! no spoilers though
> 
> also, would anyone be interested in one of these otp prompt things? it could be brotp as well. i just think it would be cool to write a series of one shots based on that, so let me know if anyone would like that!
> 
> 600 kudos??? you guys are awesome
> 
> (and i figured it was about time to add the child abuse tag)

“Sans?” Papyrus says again, but this time much quieter.

He gives you a second to respond, and when you don't, he goes over to sit down on the bed next to you.

Somehow managing to sit up yourself as well, you look up at him as he wraps his around around you in a small hug. You stay like this for a few moments before you try to speak.

“s-sorry.” You stutter out.

In response, Papyrus only sighs sadly. “You do realize you have nothing to be sorry for…? These nightmares, at least that's what i'm assuming this is, are not your fault. Nothing you did caused this.”

_Papyrus sleeps peacefully in the bed beside you. Unfortunately, you couldn't manage to get yourself to sleep, so you just stare at the ceiling absentmindedly. This seems to be a reoccurring problem recently, not being able to sleep. It's not like you don't know the cause of the problem though._

_A soft click emits from downstairs, accompanied by a rather loud slamming of the door. Your father is home._

_It's silent for a bit, and you assume he's going off to his own bed, until suddenly you hear the loud stomping of his boots making his way upstairs and towards your bedroom door._

_Without even caring to see if either you or Papyrus are awake, he angrily opens the door, and you close your eyes, feigning sleep._

_Whether or not he knows if you're awake or not, he doesn't seem to care, and roughly yanks you up and out of your bed. You try to muffle a small yelp as to not wake Papyrus, as he drags you out of the room and into the hallway._

_“What. Was the mess. I saw in the living room?” He says, making sure to emphasize every word with maliciousness._

_You don't respond, trying to wrack your brain for what that could've been. In all honesty, you don't remember, and that doesn't seem to bode well with your father._

_“Did you not see the fucking crayons all over the floor?! Or did you just conveniently chose to ignore them?!” He growls, not even trying anymore to keep his voice quiet._

_The crayons? Oh. Oh no. You forgot to put away the crayons Papyrus was using to color. “i'm sorry, i-”_

_“Oh, you're sorry?” He says in a sickly sweet voice, obviously mocking you. “Sorry won't cut it this time. I'm ‘sorry’ of your pathetic excuses! Why couldn't you just be a decent child and clean up simple messes?! It's not hard!”_

_“i'm-” He cuts you off once again, this time with a sharp punch to the face. You feel bone cracking right below your right eye._

_“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SAYING SORRY!”_

_You try and cover your face, because, god, it hurts, it hurts so bad. But he doesn't let you. Grabbing your hand, you try and run away, but don't get far._

_He grabs the shirt you're wearing with such a force, that it actually rips straight down the middle. Whether it be from how badly you wanted to get away, or how badly he wanted to make sure you get what you deserve, or a combination, you don't know. What you do know, is that your bare ribcage is now exposed, meaning two things. You're more vulnerable to his hits. And your scars are now exposed._

_The only thing you manage to do is look at his face, too afraid to try running away again. You watch his expressions change as the realization dawns on him. “What's this…?” He asks rhetorically, a strange, psychotic curiosity present in his voice._

_You try to cover your chest with your arms, but to no avail. “I knew you were pathetic, but this?!” He laughs hysterically, “I can't believe you're actually weak enough to do this!”_

_He looks at you know, straight in the face. “I would punish you, but it seems you've already done it yourself! Even you know how much of a worthless failure of a son you are! That's great.” His laughing trickles off, “Don't ever. EVER. Leave a mess like this for me to find again. Capishe?”_

_He finds it in himself to give you another hard punch, this time to the ribs. You groan a stumble onto the floor, clutching your chest._

_“Go to bed. And no food tomorrow. You need to learn a lesson.” He punctuates this fact with a final kick to your ribs again, causing dust to form on the cracks he's made._

_Your father only turns on his heel and makes his way to god knows where, but you don't care. You're actually such a mess up! If you think for a second that you didn't deserve your father's rage, you're wrong._

_You try and push yourself up, failing a few times and falling back down, but eventually working your way to stand up and grip the doorknob to your room. You stumble in, swaying slightly, as you try to make your way inside._

_“Sans?” A voice calls from the other side of the room, so soft and timid, but so noticeable in the silence of the house._

_You turn around to see Papyrus looking at you, looking at you with a terrified expression, never having seen the true effects of his father's anger._

_He gets out of bed as soon as he sees the state you're in, helping you make your way to your own._

_“sorry P-paps.” You say as you sit down on the bed, Papyrus sitting next to you. “didn't m-mean to wake ya.”_

_A tear drips down his face, followed by a stream. “I-I'm sorry Sans!” He shouts quietly, “I d-didn't meant to leave the crayons out!”_

_“hey, hey…” You say softly, trying to reassure him by pulling him into a hug. “it's okay. it doesn't even hurt.” That's a lie. “it wasn't your fault.” It was yours. “it's all gonna be okay.” No it won't._

_“B-but Sans,” He whines, “You have a c-crack in your skull, a-and, and, on your ribs-”_

_“shhh…” You whisper to him, interrupting his thoughts. “it's all okay now, i'm fine.” You try to put a convincing smile on your face._

_“B-but he shouldn't have done that! You didn't deserve it!”_

_Yeah, you did, but you won't admit that outloud. Papyrus would never believe you._

Papyrus pulls you into a tigger hug. “Do you want to talk about it?”

You shake your head no. You would usually make an effort to tell Papyrus, he deserves it, but you're too drained right now to even speak.

You're just so tired.

Papyrus seems to pick up on this fortunately, and doesn't comment on it. “How about we both try and get back to sleep?”

You can't. You know for certain you'll have another nightmare, and you can't let Papyrus have to comfort you _again_. You can't do that to him. He doesn't need to be up early because you had another nightmare.

You already started shaking your head no, not even aware. Papyrus, apparently, is surprised by your answer. Probably expecting you to just agree and ‘go to bed’ by lying on your bed fully awake till morning.

“Well… Um…” He glances over at the clock. “Do you want to just talk?”

“about what?” You ask quietly.

“About anything! We could talk about the surface, about Underground, anything really. Whatever you like.”

“yeah, that seems… nice.”

And it does seem nice. A way to keep your mind occupied to withhold your negative thoughts. You're a bit guilty, keeping Papyrus from sleeping, but he seems happy enough to just speak with you for some reason, so you talk.

And talk you do, mostly Papyrus, but you do interject sometimes. Somehow the conversation leads to when you both were children.

“Paps, you were the best. you were like my sunshine.” You sigh sadly, “i'm so glad i had you back then.”

“Why's that?” Papyrus tries to ask innocently, still curious about what happened.

It's not like he could hate you more, and you're in an okay mood, so decide to indulge him. That's not to say you're not hesitant about the matter.

“well… he wasn't a good dad, y’know? and… um… you were a pretty natural healer. that was… uh… pretty helpful. you were also good company.”

“Healer? Why did you- …oh.” Papyrus says, subdued.

“it wasn't that bad…” You say to reassure him, “it was just over little stuff though.”

“Like what…?”

“oh, um…” You think back for a second to your nightmare. “like one time you left the crayons out and i didn't clean them up before you came home.”

“Oh… I did?”

Shit. You didn't mean to say that Papyrus was the cause of that one. Because, in reality, he wasn't. You were the older one, the responsible one who had to clean things up. But Papyrus might blame himself for it.

“nah, it was kinda both of us. i just forgot to clean it up.”

“But I could've cleaned it up!” Papyrus says, almost like he's whining.

“it was my responsibility though.” You say, trying to get Papyrus to drop the subject and forget about it.

“I could've cleaned it up! He shouldn't have done whatever he did to you for a mess that was mostly mine!”

“but it was my fault for not cleaning it up!” You almost shout, wondering why Papyrus can't see you were the one at fault in this situation.

“No it wasn't! Why can't you just see that is wasn't your fault! It wasn't… It wasn’t your fault. I wish you could just believe that. Believe me when I tell you that none of this was caused by you.”

You don't know how to respond to that. You might see how Papyrus sort of blames himself, even though he shouldn't, but you can't believe that he thinks you did nothing wrong. You did everything wrong! Sure, he wasn't the best father, but you deserved the punishment you got. You didn't clean something up. It's your fault. _It's your fault._

Or is it? Papyrus says it isn't, but how could that be the case. Doesn't he see how you failed to do something, so you got punished? A simple system to understand. So what if he was a bad father? So what if he used violence when you did something wrong? That's the point! You did something wrong!

“So if I didn't clean it up,” Papyrus starts, seeing that you're not going to respond, “would it be my fault? Would I deserve to be hit by him if i was the one responsible for cleaning the mess up?”

“no, but-”

“No buts. If I wouldn't deserve it, why would you? Don't try and make excuses for you deserving what he did to you!”

You give a small huff in annoyance. You guess Papyrus is right in some respects, but it still doesn't mean you didn't get what you deserved. At least a little.

You give in, if only for Papyrus’ sake. “i guess…”

He looks at you as if knowing you don't truly believe your own words, but decides it's a semi-victory anyway. “WELL OF COURSE! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS ALWAYS RIGHT! NYEH HEH HEH!”

“course you are, Paps.”

He looks at the time, “LOOK AT THE TIME! WE MUST GO MAKE BREAKFAST NOW.”

“we?”

“BUT OF COURSE! YOU WERE SO HELPFUL LAST TIME!”

He's about to grab you and go, except a voice is heard from the hallway. “PAPYRUS! I'm tryin’ to sleep!”

“SORRY UNDYNE!” Papyrus says apologetically before picking you up and heading downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> undyne, calm your tits


	30. Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions with answers can be hard to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! chapter 30! I can't believe this story has gotten that far! You guys are seriously amazing as well, we have over 600 Kudos! i have no words. I can't believe this fic took off as much as it did, especially being my first piece.
> 
> Also! along those lines, i'm going to be coming out with two new things:
> 
> OTP prompts (focusing on grillby and sans cause i'm a dirty sansby shipper) but no smut, just kind of like, depressing/ fun one shot slice of life things. maybe even work some alphyne into the mix.
> 
> Another multi chapter piece, that I won't spoil, but i will say it has to do with Sans' past, just not the exact one in this story.
> 
> So as always, you guys are awesome. getting your amazing comments make my day, as well as seeing that another person left Kudos! So thank you all!

“OKAY, WE ACTUALLY HAVE INGREDIENTS NOW, SO THIS TIME IT SHOULD WORK BETTER.” Papyrus says before thoughtfully rubbing his chin, “BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS: WHAT SHOULD WE MAKE?”

“i dunno Paps.” You helpfully respond.

In your defense, you don't know the first thing about cooking anything, and you don't even know what ingredients they have. And even if you did, you doubt you would know what to do with them. You have no idea why Papyrus brought you down to cook with him.

Well, scratch that, you _do_ know, it's the reason that you're completely useless by yourself, and can't be trusted alone. Or the fact that Papyrus just wants to hang out with you. You'd like to think it's the latter, but you know it's the former.

“WELL, FRET NOT! I HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN! I WILL MAKE PANCAKES! AND YOU! WILL CUT THE FRUIT AGAIN!”

Oh. Well you did do that last time, but that was before your slip up. Can you be trusted again? Can you even trust yourself for this? You obviously can’t be alone, let alone with a knife, so you say something.

“uh... Papyrus? maybe i should…” You search for an excuse, “not. do that?” You say lamely.

“NONSENSE! YOU WERE GOOD AT IT LAST TIME!”

“um…” You can't be trusted.

You can't be trusted to not hurt yourself when you will. You want to. You want stab yourself over and over until you turn to dust.

And you know you do, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You think you could hold a knife right now, but as soon as it touches your hand, as soon as you're holding it…

You don't think you can do it. You know you can't do it because you're just to weak to hold yourself back. You know. _You know_.

“I CAN HELP YOU AGAIN, IF YOU WANT?” Papyrus says, catching on to your apprehension.

“i shouldn't… i…”

“You know, Undyne told me about what happened last week.” Papyrus switches to a quieter voice.

Your slip up. Your mistake. You're a mistake.

“But it's okay! It happened, yes, and we have to acknowledge that, but we learn from it. And you're in a better place than when it happened. .6 HoPe! You're getting better. I just… I just wish you could see it.” He pauses briefly, “So I know you can handle holding the knife, because you're strong. And even if you can't right now, I'll help you through. But I know we can do it.”

“Pap…” You sigh softly, “when did you get so smart…?”

When you take the knife you're nervous, more nervous than the first time cooking with Papyrus, but you take it. And Papyrus guides your hand for the fruit in front of you. Kiwis, strawberries, apples, cantaloupe, and other fruits you don't know the name of. But Papyrus is there, and not once do you make a move to turn the knife on yourself.

Of course it's because Papyrus is there, but you did it. You held the knife. And of course you find it kind of pathetic that he needed to be there, needed to be watching you so you don't hurt yourself, but you did it. And that's enough of a victory for now.

“LOOK! THEY’RE ALL CUT UP NICELY! I’M GOING TO MAKE THE PANCAKES NOW!” Papyrus says, retreating to the stove.

So it seems like your jobs all done. You just sit and admire your nicely sliced fruit, (well as nice as you could get) and just relax. You find that sometimes it's nice to just take a breather once in awhile. Just forget. Forget about your problems, forget where you are, what you are. Just let it go. It's probably not the best thing to do, but it helps calm you down, and that's something hard to achieve.

And so you have breakfast as everyone comes down, wishing you a good morning. You have breakfast, and it all goes by in a blur. You're awake but not fully there, just not in a bad way though. And you just go through the rest of the day like this. Aware of what you're doing, but mind wandering.

And as you head off to bed after a day filled with nothing really, just watching television, your mind still isn't there. Papyrus says goodnight to you, and you both lay down in your respective beds.

You, of course, don't go to sleep right away, but not because of nightmares. Well, not mostly because of nightmares. More of your confused state of mind.

You just have so many questions. So many questions that can't be answered, but so many you just don't understand the answer to. Will the kid RESET? Is this the last time? Or will you just go through this again?

But it's bound to RESET, right? The questions that confuse you the most are the ones with answers. Why is everyone being so… so kind to you? How can they not see your messed up? You're not getting better? Can't they see everything's your fault?

But they insist it isn't, that it isn't your fault. Papyrus keeps saying that your father was a bad father, and that may be true, but it doesn't excuse your actions.

Right?

You don't know anymore. All your life you were told you were a failure, worthless and useless, nothing more than a resource for your father’s experiments. You've been told so many things like that, first from your father, than from yourself. But why? Why does Papyrus try to convince you otherwise? Actions, or lack thereof, have consequences. And you accepted that motto. Obey or suffer. And of course, your father may have taken that a little too far with the Determination. But besides that, he was right in certain things. You _were_ useless. You _were_ worthless. It's only your fault that you received the abuse you did, even the Determination.

But Papyrus… Papyrus and everyone else doesn't think that. Maybe because they weren't there and don't remember, and just can't believe you were such a bad child? Or it it that they know the story, and still think you're not at fault? But you are. Are you? You don't know anymore.

You just don't know anymore.

And the RESETS. Something you could have prevented but didn't. Remembering, but not taking action. Why? Why didn't you do anything? Try to save anyone? Stop the madness?

You just gave up. And yet nobody blames you for that. You're almost certain, had anyone else but you had been in that position, they would've come up with a way to stop the RESETS. Or at least tried. Why didn't you try? You had so much time, so, so much time. Hundreds of lives you lived, and could never bother to come up with a solution to stopping the problem. Just saying your lines and going along with this sick joke they called a game, and toying with your friends’ emotions, feelings, ...lives.

You had so much time, yet you just… gave up.

You exhale sadly as you lay on the bed. Sitting up and reaching for the top of your dresser, you grab for your phone.

The screen lights up brightly as you turn it on, causing you to be blinded for a few seconds. It's funny, with all of the stuff going on, you almost forgot you had a phone.

You don't really know what you're doing with it though. You kind of just stare at the lock screen for a while, watching as the phone goes dark, only for you to turn it back on again. You eventually tire of this however, and unlock your phone, opening Undernet.

You start a message between Alphys and you.

  
_You:  
hey alph. you up?_

  
You don't know exactly what you're doing, or why you're texting Alphys right now, but you wait a few moments for a response.

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
Yea! What's up?_

  
You take a little bit before typing your response.

  
_You:  
nothin much, just couldn't sleep really. was bored i guess._

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
You do know i'm in the next room, right? Lol!_

  
_You:  
yeah, didn't feel like getting up ya know? anyways, up for just chatting about random stuff?_

  
You hit send, but quickly add something else, not to come off as rude.

  
_You:  
i mean, not like if you're busy or want to sleep or something._

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
No! I don't mind! I'm actually bored rn too_!

_The anime I was watching with Undyne turned out to be a total bust actually, and she said she “didn't want to suffer through more of that garbage” so she went to sleep._

_I was going to watch something else, because I obviously wasn't going to continue watching the trash I had on, but then you texted. And well, you know what happens next..._

_Oops! Sorry didn't mean to go on like that! You probably don't want to listen to me ramble about bad anime! >_<_

  
_You:  
it's okay alph. don't mind. have you seen mew mew kissy cutie 3 yet? is it absolute trash like the second one?_

  
You like Alphys rambling. It's nice to see her so passionate, when she's usually so timid, even over text.

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
NOOOO!!!!! I HAVEN’T YET!!!_

_But like, if you wanted, you could… Watch it with me and Undyne??? When I get it???_

_Only if you want to, not trying to pressure you into anything!_

  
_You:  
course. it'd be fun. how bout tomorrow? can you get the dvd by then?_

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
YESSSS!!!_

_So glad you're coming, we haven't actually hung out in a while!_

_And yeah! I can pick it up tomorrow! You could actually come with me to the store, if you want?_

  
You debate this before typing. It's not that you don't want to go to the store with Alphys, it's just… Ah, hell with it, you'll go.

  
_You:  
sounds good._

_i'm actually gonna try and sleep now, if that's alright. didn't mean to cut this short, but i feel like i could sleep now._

_thanks alph. that helped._

  
_Alphys (◕‿◕✿):  
No problem! Glad I could help!_

_Goodnight!_

  
Looks like you have plans for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler alert: mew mew 3 is absolute trash


	31. Pause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if everything you've known your whole life had been wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sucks. I suck. i'm so sorry this chapter is short.
> 
> the end of school is coming, so yay! studying! and stress, a whole buncha stress along with that.
> 
> also, i haven't neccesarily been in the best state of mind the past few days, and i was finding it kind of hard to find the motivation to write this chapter. so sorry, i know i'm just making excuses, and i do that a lot, but i'll try my hardest to get normal chapter lengths out each week 
> 
> also! on a happier note! i started my second fic! so check that out if ya want!

“So Sans… Why'd you do it?”

“do what?” You say confused, turning to look at Undyne.

The tv screen displaying Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 3 in Alphys and Undyne's room is on pause, with Undyne and you waiting for Alphys to come back from downstairs with popcorn.

“You know… Try to kill yourself?” Undyne says, right out.

You've always kind of admired that about her, her ability to be completely blunt about what's she's speaking about. What you don't admire is the topic she's brought up.

“what…?”

“I mean, okay I get it. I do. Not with myself personally, but i've seen Alphys at some low points before.” She pauses, “And it seems like you kinda just blame a bunch of stuff on yourself. Which, ya know, you shouldn’t.”

“bluntly put.” Is your only reply.

“Hey! I never said I was good with words. It’s just… I wish I could express how much I would punch this ‘Gaster’ guy. And maybe also the flower. Even though it’s not really his fault for not having a soul. But that doesn’t make him any less evil!”

You remain quiet, not really lacking words, but more so absorbing what Undyne just said. Everyone says he’s, _Gaster_ , a bad person. And sure, that's that, but when Papyrus says something like that, it truly means something.

And how many times can you express that you don’t get it.

“i just don’t get it.” You say aloud, more to yourself than Undyne, but of course she hears you anyways.

“Get what?”

“why you all… say he, Gaster,” You correct yourself, “is a bad person.” You pause for a moment, thinking about your next words. “i mean, the stuff he did with the Determination, that was a little too far. but everything else i kinda deserved, ya know?” You ask, mostly aimed towards yourself again, but Undyne takes it upon herself to answer.

“As I said before, I may not be the most… subtle… with wording.” She sighs, “But I’ll try. Basically, you just have to see that this guy who claimed to be your father, was totally in the wrong. Dude, I didn’t even _have_ parents the majority of the time I was growing up, and even I know that’s completely messed up. I’m honestly surprised it took you that long to finally break and kill him.” You shudder at the phrasing of her words, “I just want you to se-”

“i didn’t kill him.” You interrupt, “i did something _worse_ than killing him. he’s still alive, barely, stuck in the void, with no hope of escape…” Your hands start shaking, “and i did that to him. i did. nobody deserves that. no one.” But maybe yourself, “i deserve to be in his place, ya know? and it’s not like he wasn't justified in his actions.” You try to calm your shaking hands, but to no avail. “and he-”

“Popcorn is r-ready!” Alphys enthusiastically says, unaware of the situation she just walked in on.

However, once she realizes the atmosphere of the room, she starts, “Are y-you okay?”

“yeah.” You respond, deciding to shove your hands in your hoodie pockets to stop the tremors.

Undyne stares blankly at you for a moment before retorting, “No he isn’t.” She says, and you stare at her in surprise. “What’s that look for? You were literally just talking how you thought your father was ‘justified in his actions’. You think those are the words of someone who’s okay?” You only stare at her some more.

To some, her tone may come off as cold and uncaring, just like her general bluntness that some may find unappealing. But, knowing Undyne rather well since she’s such a good friend of Papyrus’, you can tell when she’s being sincere and kind. And she’s just trying to help, you know. Obviously not in the best way, because god knows you’re ‘okay’, but she’s trying. And you can genuinely appreciate that effort.

Not that the effort should be spent on you anyways, but it’s there nonetheless.

“Sans?” Alphys asks innocently, “Are y-you okay?”

You pause briefly before responding. “no.” You reply plainly, “but it's been a long time since i've been okay.” Neither of them respond, so you take this as a cue to continue. “all my life i was told i was wrong. all my life i thought i just wasn't trying hard enough, wasn't caring enough to make a difference. and when i finally break and admit this, you tell me the opposite of what i thought. i'm not wrong, Gaster’s wrong. you tell me that i tried so hard, harder than anyone else would have, even though i couldn't fix the unfixable. and it's just… so… so confusing.” You finish, sighing lightly.

Alphys nor Undyne say anything for a moment, shortly shocked by your little rant. It's only when you ask, “should we, um, watch the movie now?” that they agree, and start up Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 3.

And you watch the movie in silence. Well, you're silent, Alphys and Undyne are not. And it's nice, you guess. It seems almost normal. Almost like you're normal, and you didn't just have that conversation you did. Almost.

“I can't b-believe i'm saying this, but t-this one was _even worse_ than the s-second one! And that's like, t-the lowest of the l-low. Like the w-worst type of garbage imaginable!” A.K.A yourself, “ _T-this_ is why they s-should never make sequels. Ever!” Alphys blushes a little as she calms down from her spiel.

“NGAHHH! I agree! Absolute trash! Negative a million out of five stars!” Undyne almost screams, very passionately.

“B-but, I had fun hanging out with b-both of you.” Alphys mutters, her blush only increasing. “We should d-do this more often.”

“HELL yeah!” Undyne agrees, and you do to.

“yeah it was fun. i'd like to do it again sometime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's gonna be a mew mew 4 soon!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> and it's also trash


	32. Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay? Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy watsup actually managed to get an sorta good chapter length this time! not really as long as i would like, but it's hard because school's ending and stuff. lots of work, ya know? 
> 
> anyways, here's this chapter. so yeah. not much to say today.

It's frustrating. You're frustrating. Your HP is most definitely frustrating. And you hate it.

.6 HoPe. 

Probably the lowest HoPe out of every monster that ever existed. You could probably get an award if it weren't such a pathetic thing. You should be ashamed of it, and you are.

But the catch is, you're also not. You're partially not ashamed of your measly .6 HP, even proud of it. Because, hey, it's better than .5 HP, right?

You hate yourself for getting it that low in the first place. You hate yourself for not being able to get it back up, even to one. You hate yourself for worrying Papyrus and everyone else with your stupid problems. And you hate yourself for hating yourself, because that's what's got you into these problems in the first place. You just never win, do you? 

And everything's so confusing, and you hate that as well. Hate not being able to understand why everyone thinks Gaster was a bad father. He wasn't good, but he wasn't bad. You deserved it. But you didn't? You don't know.

And the RESETS, oh the RESETS. You're still waiting for the day where you find out this whole time on the surface has just been a cruel joke, and you're trapped underground again, trapped in the infinite cycle of dying and living all over again, and you just want it to end, please end-

But no. You're here. You're on the surface right now. You promised to try and stop thinking like that. And it's hard… But you should try.

You get up from your bed. It afternoon actually, even though you've been in bed the whole day. Because you're just that-

No. 

You should just… Go find someone to talk to. Probably Papyrus. Yeah that's what you'll do. You need a distraction right now.

You head downstairs, where you see Frisk and Papyrus sitting on the couch together, watching tv.

“uh, hey.” You say, only loud enough to make yourself heard over the sound of the cartoons that they're watching.

“OH HELLO SANS!” Papyrus says, pausing the tv. “GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE UP.”

Frisk notices you as well and signs, ‘Hello!’ 

“whatcha watching?”

‘It’s a cartoon that’s about’, They pause, thinking on how to explain it, ‘A kid with superpowers. And he’s usually really happy and stuff, but his mom died before, and he doesn’t know what to think of her. Was she a good person? And after this episode they leave you on a cliffhanger for a month and I can’t wait that long.”

Well, at least you know they won’t RESET for at least a month.

That’s not funny.

“woah kid, you’re almost as involved in these shows as Alphys is with anime. and that’s saying something.” You give a small chuckle, and they laugh with you. 

“WELL, SANS, IF YOU WOULD CARE TO JOIN US, I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE EPISODE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

“aw, Papyrus, are you obsessed too?” You tease. “it’s just a kid’s show.”

“NO IT IS NOT! IT DISPLAYS A POWERFUL MESSAGE OF FRIENDSHIP AND GETTING OVER DIFFICULT SITUATIONS BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY!”

“ok, geese. i guess i’ll watch with you.” You reply, taken aback by Papyrus’ overly enthusiastic response.

Frisk moves over, allowing you to sandwich yourself between the two of them on the couch.

“SIGH! I GUESS WE’LL HAVE TO START WITH THE BEGINNING OF THE SERIES, SEEING AS YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YET.” Papyrus says, clicking the remote buttons until he gets to the first episode.

Ok. You must admit it. The show is good. It’s random, yet entertaining, but also has a deep plot behind it. And watching it with both Frisk and Papyrus is nice. Alot nicer than what you would probably be doing had you been by yourself right now. It almost makes you feel like a normal person, hanging out, watching tv. Almost makes you forget about your .6 HP. Almost makes you feel good, happy, truly happy. Almost being the key word. 

But, it’s okay, you guess. It’s hard for people like you to just be happy, and it sucks, but you’ve accepted that. That you’re never going to be truly happy for more than a few moments at a time. But that’s your reality. You think. You don’t know anymore, honestly. You’re just so confused, you think, as you’ve been thinking time and time again. 

You spend the rest of the day watching this show, not enough of it to be completely caught up, but close enough that you probably could be soon. Frisk stays and watches it with you the whole time, while Papyrus leaves to help make dinner with Toriel. Somehow, probably because Frisk is a very determined child, they manage to convince Toriel to let both of you eat on the couch and watch tv. So you eat dinner, mac and cheese, immersed in the show so much that the time passes quickly and it’s not long before it’s time to go to bed. 

You’re tired. Not as tired as you’ve been before, but tired nonetheless. And you want to sleep. So you flop down on your bed with only a brief ‘good night’ to Papyrus before you close your eyes.

Darkness. But suddenly, not. It’s cold, a cold that seeps into your body and fills your bones with dread. You open your eyes to grey, grey all around you, grey, grey, grey.

But what catches your eye among all this grey is the red. The bright red that’s almost a speck, almost invisible it’s so small, but so noticeable amongst the monotonous grey. And as much as it catches your eye, it makes you all the more on edge, all the more anxious. 

And your eyes are only torn away from the red when a shadow looms over you. A silhouette of a tall, tall man with a wicked smile. And you recognize the figure and the smile that comes along with it. And you start shaking because no! He can't do this! Please don't do this! Please! Please!

But you don't vocalize your thoughts, as you know they are of no use. He always does what he wants. And it's always the opposite of what you want.

The red. He walks over to the red, still vibrant as ever and still growing, and he takes it, filling it in a large syringe. And you cower at the bottom of this figure, overwhelmed by his presence and this whole situation, and you just don't want to be here, anything but this, anything, even death, you don't care anymore, just please not this!

And it's no use. Like always. You're alive and he stabs the red, the Determination, inside of you, and you feel every bit of it coursing through you. Every bit of it making your body feeling like it's on fire, melting from the inside out. And the worst part is, you know it won't kill you, even if you want it to. And you'll have to do this over and over and over again. It never ends. The end is never the end is never the end is never the-

And laughing. You hear laughing coming from the sadistic man beside you. The man you dare called father. He laughs and laughs, a horrible sound, taunting you as you sit there, writhing in pain.

Is this your fault? Did you do something to cause this? No, no, you couldn't have, this is too far, your mind tries to reason. But reason never wins out in your mind. Always blame, who's at blame. And usually the only conclusion you can come to is yourself.

But of course, all these thoughts come later. Later, when you're recovering from excruciating pain you're in right now. But now, that's all you can focus on. The fact that this pain is worse than the simple word pain can describe. And you want it to end, end. Someone help! Please! You want to die! You want this pain to end just please, please-

Your eyes shoot open.

You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. It's just a dream, you're okay. Of course it's just a dream. But you also know it's a memory.

You think by the amount of nightmares you've had, you'd have seen all the possibilities. Every possible easy you've messed up, everything you've been through. But no! Your mind always manages to surprise you!

It's great! You're great! Everything is fine. Nightmares are just one of the constants of your life, something you'll have to live with. That's fine. That's okay. You never needed to be well rested anyways! Never needed to be able to get an uninterrupted full night’s sleep! It's all good.

Just as good as your fantastic .6 HoPe as well. Guess that's something you'll just have to live with. Ever since the moment your HP hit one, you knew the only direction it could go was down. And hey, guess you were right in that aspect. You doubt, no, you know, that your HP will never get past one. Ever. Probably won't even get past what it's at now.

You'll just have to live with it though. That's what you've always done, right? Put on a fake smile, get on with the day, try not to kill yourself in the process. 

And maybe your life wasn't always like that. Maybe there was a time where you were actually happy, actually ready to face the day and learn and explore. But now… Now it's different. But that's okay! It's all okay! You've dealt before, why can't you now?

But… That's the problem. You can't deal with it. You used to be able to, but you just can't anymore. Can't keep a believable smile up all day, can't keep pretending that you're just lazy, not tired.

And that's okay too, you think, or at least that's what Papyrus says. It's okay to not be okay. But you're okay, aren't you? 

No. No you're not. But that's okay? Yeah, that's okay. Okay?

You lay back down and close your eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, but can we just talk about steven universe (aka what i was basing the show they were watching in this chapter on)
> 
> i'm so freaking hyped for the next episodes oh my god this is not okay
> 
> also, on a side note, the word okay doesn't even look like a word to me anymore


	33. Repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RESET. Repeat. RESET. Repeat. All that's left is a feeling of deja vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhhhh. Sorry bout another short chapter. Fortunately! Schools and exams are almost over so i'll be back to producing longer chapters soon! I know i've said this so many times, but i'm really, really, sorry. I don't like not giving you guys a lot even though it's been a week. 
> 
> Let me just say, you guys are all awesome! You're all so supportive and understanding about the chapter lengths and such! I love you all! platonically of course ;) 
> 
> As always, comments and Kudos are awesome! Seeing a new comment or that someone left kudos really helps motivate me to produce some good stuff for you guys (or at least i hope it's good lol)
> 
> and oh my god almost 10000 hits that's incredible!

You didn't go back to sleep. Not that's unusual for you at all, but it's been happening less recently. But you always look tired, so you doubt anyone will notice you got a few less hours of sleep.

Papyrus’ alarm goes off, starling you out of your thoughts, and causing you to flinch. Oh yeah, that's a thing that happens. Papyrus. You roll over on your side and face the wall.

You hear Papyrus shuffling blankets and such before he gets up and his footsteps echo in the silent room.

“SANS, ARE YOU UP?” He asks, not so silently, but enough that if you were sleeping you still would be.

What? How did he realize you were- Nevermind. You roll over to look at him.

“yeah.”

Papyrus, apparently, is surprised at this revelation, “OH, YOU ARE UP. I JUST FIGURED I’D ASK, SEEING ASK YOU’VE BEEN GETTING UP WITH ME THE LAST FEW DAYS.” He pauses briefly, “YOU CAN GO BACK TO SLEEP IF YOU WANT.”

“that sounds good.” You mutter tiredly.

You are tired, but you can’t sleep because of nightmares. But Papyrus doesn’t need to- Wait.

“OK, I’LL GO DOWNSTAIRS SO YOU CAN GET SOME SLEEP.”

Hold on. You have a nagging feeling of deja vu, something you’ve come to hate over the RESETS. Has this happened before? All the timelines blended together, and you can’t even tell, save for that feeling of deja vu. ‘Already seen’. You’ve come to hate the word itself, just for the connotation behind it. And now it hits again, hard. But for what? Reaching the surface and hiding behind a fake smile and jokes? The only thing you’ve been good at in your whole life, and yet failing to keep up a façade of happiness? Is that what you’re reminded of?

No, it can’t be, right? You sit up on the bed, abandoning the idea of sleep. Your hand unconsciously reaches for your arm, the one with the tallies, something you haven’t looked at in quite a bit. You flinch slightly as your fingers brush against your arm, sending chills through your spine.

How long has it been on the surface? How long has it been since you’ve kept track? You’re suddenly reminded of the urge to dig into your bone, counting the days that have past. You have so many days to make up for, do you not?

You don’t even realize you're reaching for the place you kept the nail until your hand hits against the handle of the dresser. Wait, no, Papyrus got rid of that. You sit on your bed a while longer, contemplating what to do. It’s a good thing the nail isn’t in the room, right? But… the feeling to have the marks again, to show that you’re really on the surface, it’s not a dream, it’s real… No. It’s just deja vu. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to throw away all your hard work on getting better.

Have you ever gotten better though? The logical part of your mind argues that the logical answer would be yes, even though your HP is lower. But the irrational part, the part driven by your feelings… Says otherwise. It says you can’t get better; if anything you’ve only gotten worse. It says, ‘why not?’ because why not? Satisfy this itch that only feels scratchable by blade against bone. You shouldn’t…

But you're standing up already, quietly making your way towards Frisk’s room. You’re pretty sure they took back the knife, returning it to it’s bag. It’s early enough they won’t be up yet, and it’s not like you can go downstairs and into the kitchen, as Papyrus is there cooking.

You creep silently, only making soft footsteps against the floor before opening and closing the door to Frisk’s room as quietly as possible. Frisk is fast asleep, snoring lightly as their chest rises and falls with their breaths.

Spotting the bag of items on their dresser once again, (deja vu hitting you hard), you start to make your way over silently. You have an uncanny feeling of being watched, but you brush it aside to focus on your goal.

Your hand is almost on the bag, but suddenly Frisk stirs next to you, blearily blinking their eyes as they get up unexpectedly. You freeze, unsure of why they awoke so suddenly.

Their hands start to move groggily as the begin to wake up.

‘Chara? Why are you-’ Their hands fall to their side as they spot you standing right next to them. ‘Sans? What are you doing?’

You don’t respond, shocked by your current position. Frisk turns and looks at an empty corner of the room. They pause, as if listening, and you know for certain who they are listening to.

‘Sans? Were you…’ Their hands fidget a small bit before continuing, ‘Looking for the knife?’

You look away from them, if only to stare angrily in the corner before turning your head down. No point in lying. You’ve been caught. (And maybe that’s a good thing).

“...yes.” You reply softly, surprising even yourself at how weak and tired your voice sounds. “it was _knife_ of you to stop me!” You add, laughing sadly until it trickles off to a sob. “i'm such a mess…”

“Sans…” The say quietly, catching your attention so you look up at them, ‘It's okay. I get it.’ They sign, with such determination that you almost believe them.

“it's not okay!” You whine, “i'm not okay! stop being so, so nice about it! why do you care about me now? you didn't care about me dying before!” You'd spit out, regretting the words the instant they leave your mouth.

You see Frisk flinch visibly at your words. “i'm sorry, i didn't mean that.” You try, “it's my fault, it's always my fault. why can't i do anything right! just… just why am i like this?” You ask, voice breaking on the last word.

“Because you've been through more than one person should ever go through.” Frisk says out loud, surprising you for the second time, “And i’m sorry, so, so sorry that I did this to you. It isn't right.” They stop and clear their throat, unused to speaking for a long time, “It's my fault if anything, it's my fault.” A single tear falls down their face, dripping off their chin and onto the blanket beneath them. “I'm sorry, i'm sorry, and it hurts, it hurts me to see you blame yourself for this, knowing that i'm the cause.” More tears follow the path of the first, “I'm sorry, i'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” They continue on, words melding into indecipherable sounds.

You move to sit next to them on the bed, and make an effort to wipe the steady stream of tears from their face. “hey, don't say that. you sound like me.” Frisk offers a small chuckle, if you can call it that, sounding more like a sob. “but you're here for me, right?” You ask, now only realizing how bad your actions would have been had Frisk (or Chara for that matter) not stopped you. “and i'll be here for you.” You take a shaky breath. “and i don't blame ya, okay? so stop doing that, it's not your fault.”

‘That's what everyone telling you, silly.’ They sign sloppily, still shaking from the tears and emotional outburst.

“well…” How can you respond to that? The kid’s right. “i suppose we both have to work on that.” You offer them a hand as you get up from their bed. “how bout we go downstairs now? i bet Papyrus is almost finished with making breakfast. i'm sure it's _egg_ cellent.”

The give a small laugh, sniffling and wiping away their tears as they accept your hand up. “c’mon kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't get to proof read this so the grammar might be horrible i dunno lol


	34. Shaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's only a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh, you guys are all so great! i know i've said it before, but reading the comments on the last chapter (that's now deleted) i just. i can't believe how nice and understanding you are. and over 700 kudos!!!???!? what!??!! when did this many people actually like my writing?!
> 
> again, as i've said so many times, this chapter is reeeealllly short. like reeeeaalllly super short. exams are almost over, and i'll be free to write as much as i want soon! but just give me one more week please! (you guys are so understanding though, so i know it'll be fine)
> 
> also, about exams, if any of you were wondering or care. i've gotten grades back for two of them, 97% and 99% (honestly better than i could have hoped for) but i have regents tommorow and friday, that i might fail sooooo. kinda stressed bout that haha.
> 
> on a side note, i also took a latin final and i had no idea what i was doing the whole test, oh god.
> 
> anyways, enough of me rambling about things you don't care about! on to da chapter! (that's really short, sorry again!)

“So Sans, how are you doing?” Toriel asks politely from the seat at the table next to yours.

“i'm…” Automatically, your first response is ‘fine’, but even you can't believe that anymore.

Can you even say you're ‘doing better’ though? Your last actions just show that you're not-

“Sans?”

“sorry, yeah, i'm better than i was before i guess.”

“Well that's good to hear!”

“mhm.” You hum, “how are you?” You add as an afterthought.

“Oh, I am fine, thank you for asking!” Toriel responds cheerfully, turning back to face Frisk.

“My child… why is your face all red?” 

Thankfully, for both of you, Frisk is able to come up with a quick lie, ‘I have allergies’.

Monsters… Don't really know about human illnesses that much. And vice versa with the humans. However, you're sure Toriel has an inkling of something amiss with Frisk’s statement.

“Do you need me to get you some medicine?”

‘No, it's okay, it'll probably go away soon. But thanks mom.’

Toriel becomes slightly flustered at being called mom from Frisk, still not used to the name coming from this child's mouth.

“BREAKFAST!”

Papyrus turns around, and catches sight of Frisk, “AND WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK OF ALLERGIES HUMAN? ARE YOU SICK?” Papyrus gasps dramatically, and you know he has no idea about what allergies actually are. “WORRY NOT FRISK! I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!” Papyrus finishes, already rushing over to the chair Frisk is sitting at.

‘No, no, Papyrus, it’s okay! They're not a big deal!’ Frisk signs out, but is still swiftly swept into Papyrus’ arms.

“JUST ALLERGIES, HMMM…?”

‘Yes, Papyrus.’ They sign, hands shaking slightly as they start to laugh.

And their laugh is such a sweet laugh, such a small, cute, and nice laugh that it’s almost contagious. So different from the sadistic laugh you’ve heard come from this child, standing on the opposite side of the final corridor. But this laugh, you wonder how it could even be the same child. But you suppose it’s not… Or is it? The whole situation is rather confusing, and for right now you choose not to think about it, resulting in a small smile forming on your face, as well as everyone at the table. It's a nice laugh.

“OK, IF YOU SAY SO…” Papyrus says with faux skepticism, grin widening just a bit.

Their face is still red now, not from tears this time though, from laughing as hard as they just did. You find it amazing how quickly situations, or emotions, can turn around.

Papyrus puts Frisk back down in their seat. “AS I WAS SAYING,” He clears his non-existent throat, “BREAKFAST IS PREPARED!”

Plates of chocolate chip pancakes are passed out to everyone. “Oh wow Papyrus, that looks wonderful!” Toriel comments.

“BUT OF COURSE!” Papyrus responds, small blush (somehow?) betraying his confidence.

Not really hungry, but still wanting to try your brother's food, you take a small bite. “wow, bro, this is really good.” You say truthfully.

Comments similar to yours can be heard coming from everyone at the table. And it's true though, Papyrus has definitely improved, a lot, since you've all reached the surface, and he's had some lessons from Toriel. 

And the food is actually so good, (or maybe it's partially the fact you want to see your brother happy) that you manage to clean your plate, as does everyone else.

And it's a little strange to think about this morning, about the mental breakdown you had. The feeling seems so far away, now surrounded with only positive. Of course, thoughts similar to ones had this morning are still prevalent in your mind, but not as pronounced. It helps to be surrounded by loved ones.

And as you look down at your hands placed it your lap, you notice they're only shaking a little bit.


	35. Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've got a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. hey. here's a chapter at an almost decent length. and be warned, this chapter is completely based off of the headcanon that sans is actually a really good singer. so have this fluffy chapter!
> 
> also, thank you all for being so kind! i know i've said it before but i can't thank you enough!
> 
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated as well!

“karaoke?”

“YES OF COURSE! KARAOKE! I FOUND A PLACE NEAR HERE!” Papyrus says, beaming proudly.

“that sounds… fun.” 

Fun. Yeah, fun. Why not.

 It's been a few days since your ‘almost slip up but can you even consider it that because you would have slipped up had it not been for Frisk’, and you've been… more or less okay, surprisingly. You've had your bad days, but when don't you? And to be honest, they haven't been as bad as they could’ve been. Nightmares are still prevalent, of course, but it doesn't seem like those will ever completely go away. So you'll just deal with it, like you always do.

“AH! I’M SO GLAD! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!” 

You open your mouth to reply, but then are struck with a sudden thought. “is it… monster-friendly?” You ask.

Even though relations are going better than expected, there is still the occasional place that has a grudge against monsters. And the more than occasional opinionated human.

Papyrus’ smile falls for just a second before returning full force. “YES! UNDYNE AND I WENT AND CHECKED IT OUT IN PERSON ACTUALLY! EVERYONE THERE SEEMED REALLY NICE!”

“ok, sounds good. when we going?”

“NOW!” 

Wait what. Now? “now?” You says, voicing your thoughts.

“YES, NOW. IT’S ALMOST SEVEN! WE CAN’T BE KARAOKEING OUT ALL NIGHT!”

“wait, it's almost seven?” You turn to look at the clock. 6:54. “well then.”

“YES. ‘WELL THEN.’ I WILL GO SEE IF EVERYONE ELSE IS READY!” Papyrus finishes, starting his sprint up the stairs.

It's not long until everyone makes their way downstairs and you all head out to the karaoke place, taking two cars. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately for Toriel, Asgore stayed home in order to look over the house and also finish some work. You don't really mind either way, but you were kind of looking forward to hearing Asgore sing. According to Toriel he's sort of a train wreck when it come to singing.

Soon after everyone piles into the two cars, you're leaving them. Papyrus didn't lie when he said the place was close. It was only about a five minute drive.

The place looks nice, small. It even reminds you a Grillbys a little as you walk in, filled with both humans and monsters mingling, as well as one person blasting out lyrics on the mic. And you can't lie, they're pretty good.

Papyrus immeasurably signs up, followed quickly by Undyne, and Toriel makes her way onto the list too. You chose to stick with Alphys and Frisk and not sing.

“SAAAANS! WHY DIDN’T YOU SIGN UP?” Papyrus says as he comes over to the table you Alphys and Frisk grabbed.

“Paps. i can't sing. c’mon.”

“SANS, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT’S A LIE. YOU USED TO SING TO ME ALL THE TIME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.”

That's true, you must admit. Sometimes you would just hum or softly sing to Papyrus at night to get him to sleep. Before you had the Fluffy Bunny books. Only when your father couldn't hear you of course. 

“but that doesn't mean i'm good.” You argue. “‘sides. you, undyne, and tori are already going. i'm sure there's a buncha people ahead of ya too.”

“SANS-” Papyrus starts, but is shortly interrupted by Undyne as she comes over to the table.

“What's this about you not singing?! Papyrus told me you were really good!”

“Paps…” You whine, burying your head into the neck of your shirt.

“WELL IT’S TRUE!” Papyrus responds, albeit a bit sheepishly.

“I'm going to sign you up, whether you like it or not!” Undyne states, making her way back to the sign up sheet.

Well then.

“YOU DON’T REALLY HAVE TO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO…”

“eh. it’s okay i guess.”

It’s not that you don’t want to sing, it’s that you don’t know what to sing, haven’t sang in a long time actually, and don’t feel comfortable singing in front of this crowd of people. But… Papyrus seemed excited about you singing, maybe some type of nostalgic feeling from times he can’t remember. And if Papyrus wants you to do it, you’ll do it.

A small group of human friends are just finishing up, and Undyne comes back over to the table in order to hear them finish. They’re not great, or good even, but that’s to be expected, right?

A few more people go, some going in groups while others sing by themselves. The ones going individually tend to be better you notice. The groups seem to be friends, mostly drunk, just fooling around. You don’t mind honestly; it’s nice to watch other people having fun sometimes. Unfortunately, you’re pretty sure Undyne signed you up as an individual, so you won’t have anyone else to fall back on.

And suddenly, Papyrus is called, leaving you to stress over what song you’re going to chose. You still haven’t decided, and you have no idea what type of song you’re going to go for. It’s oddly stressful, but in a good way. You’re nervous in a way that makes sense to most people. It’s kind of welcome as reminder that you’re still like other people in some ways.

That doesn’t mean you’re not freaked out about it though. You turn your attention to Papyrus, who is picking out a song on the machine.

To be fair, leaving the Underground has introduced so many new things, including music. Papyrus immediately went for perky happy songs, something that really fits him. You went for… well not this time, but other times on the surface… something calmer. Some would say sad. It even helped you relax, and now you’re wondering how you haven’t really listened to anything this time.

Your thoughts are interrupted as the music for "Drop Pop Candy" comes blasting on as Papyrus turns to face the small audience with the microphone in hand.

You can’t lie. Papyrus is… not the best singer. At all. But he looks so happy up there, you can’t help but feel happy when you hear him sing. So when he flamboyantly bounces across the stage, it’s no surprise that the crowd seems very invested in his performance as well. Even if his singing is bad. But that’s not really what people came out here for, is it?

When Papyrus finishes, your whole table applauds loudly, and Papyrus smiles a little wider when he sees everyone.

“HOW WAS I?” He asks as he sits back down next to you.

“it was really good.” You reply, and similar responses come from around the table.

Suddenly, Undyne’s song comes on, "I Kissed A Girl". Figures she’d pick that one.

And, well. Undyne’s not the greatest singer as well. But that doesn’t stop how hilarious it is that she manages to maintain eye contact with Alphys throughout the whole performance, causing said monster to become more than flustered.

Undyne receives a decent amount of applause as well, and then you realize, oh shit, it’s your turn to go on. You start to make your way up to the stage, and Undyne gives you a ‘pat’ on the back that knocks the breath out of you as you pass her.

You don’t know why you’re so nervous. You never used to be. But you also never sang in front of this many people. Or humans. But, to your surprise, the humans actually seem pretty nice. So you have nothing to worry about. You really don’t.

You go up to the machine and skim through the songs. Are you taking too long? Just pick one already. Fortunately, you find one you know and like. 

The music to "You’ve Got A Friend" starts up, quieter than most other songs chosen, but those aren’t really your style. You’re nervous as you start, but a good nervous. A nervous that seems so normal it’s almost comforting. 

_ “ _ _ when you're down and troubled _

_ and you need a helping hand _

_ and nothing, nothing is going right” _

Your voice is shaky at first, you haven’t sang for real in quite a while, but you eventually even out.

_ “winter, spring, summer or fall _

_ all you have to do is call _

_ and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah. _

_ you've got a friend” _

The lyrics flow easier as you keep going, and you hardly notice that the crowd has basically gone quiet listening to you.

_ “they'll hurt you, and desert you _

_ and take your soul if you let them _

_ oh yeah, but don't you let them” _

It’s good. You  _ feel _ good singing the song. 

.65/.65 HP

_ “you just call out my name _

_ and you know wherever I am _

_ i'll come running to see you again” _

You take a deep breathe to finish.

_ “oh, you've got a friend. _

_ ain't it good to know you've got a friend. _

_ ain't it good to know you've got a friend. _

_ you've got a friend.” _

And as the music fades out, leaving the room in silence, Papyrus is the first one to burst out in applause, with the rest of the audience following suite. And maybe it’s because you’re on the stage, but it seems like the loudest applause tonight. And maybe it’s a stupid thing to be happy over, when there are so many other things, but this makes the smile on your face grow wider as you go back to sit with your friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it bad that i REALLY wanted papyrus to be singing "I SAY HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?"


	36. Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing gold can stay, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, i'm so so so sorry. that this chapter is short. but i'm kinda freaking out??? because long story short i'm kinda being forced to go to therapy, which ive never done before, and i don't know what it's going to be like. and all i've ever heard about therapy is that is sucks, and i'm freaking out so much right now, my hands are shaking as i type this so that's partly why this chapter is short
> 
> anyways, ignoring my life drama, here's this chapter! hope you enjoy!

“Sans! That was great! Why’d you say you couldn’t sing?”

“well, i dunno, it was okay.” You respond, but your smile betrays your sheepishness.

“SANS, THAT WAS GREAT! I’M GLAD YOU SANG!”

“Y-yeah! It was really good! Why d-didn’t you ever tell us you c-could sing?” Alphys asks.

You just shrug and continue smiling, smiling for real. 

“Oh my, look at the time.” Toriel starts, “It’s almost 12:00! I can’t believe we stayed here so late! I didn’t realize how busy it would be here tonight.”

‘But, mom.’ Frisk signs, giving their best pouty face.

Toriel doesn’t seem to be budging though. “No, Frisk. You must go home and get a good night’s sleep. We can’t have you staying up all night, can we?”

Frisk half hearty agrees, and it’s not long until you find yourself piled into the car, and on the way home.

It's a shorter ride back than the way there, less traffic because of the time of night it is. And soon you arrive back home, everyone immediately heading towards their beds. And you head to your bed too, suddenly realizing that you're quite tired as well.

Papyrus changes into his pajamas, and you hear him settle into bed, and you allow yourself to relax and drift off into sleep.

A crash emits loudly, causing you to sit up quickly. It's followed by a bloodcurdling scream, which comes from the room next to you. Toriel!

Not wasting anytime, you run out of your room and into hers, only to see the last bit of dust settle across the carpeted floor. Next to the dust is a child with a knife, smiling a wicked smile. A smile you know all too well.

“you!” You spit out bitterly, trying to take a step toward, but finding you can't.

“Yes, me.” They respond in Frisk’s raspy voice, walking up to where you are. “Long time no see, Sans.”

You try to move, try to activate your magic, anything, but you just… can't. You're frozen.

“HEY! What's going on?” Undyne says, barging into the room followed by a timid looking Alphys.

And it's not long before the human takes their knife through both Alphys and Undyne's bodies, not even giving them time to react before they turn to dust. 

“no, no! how- what-” You stumble your words.

You thought they were okay! You thought this wouldn't happen! How could you- How could you let this happen!? You let your guard down, and this! This happens!

“What's the matter? You look white as a sheet!” They laugh, “Oh, is that your brother I hear?” 

And sure enough, Papyrus comes in. “WHAT’S GOING ON? SANS WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TORIEL AND FRISK’S ROOM?”

You try and respond, say anything, anything! But words don't come to you. And when Papyrus notices the dust spread on the floor, the knife in the human’s hand, it's too late.

Another pile of dust joins the floor, and still you can't move.

“Why didn't you even try and save your brother? At least I tried to save mine. You just stood there and watched it happen. Sicko.” They give you a sadistic smile. “But that's okay. It only makes my job easier.”

It's no surprise when Asgore comes in, just like the others, questioning what's happening before falling to the floor as well.

You finally manage to take a step toward, taking in a huge breath as you do, and choking on the fresh dust thick in the air.

“Guess it's just you and me now, huh?” They come towards you, holding the knife poised to strike. “We'll be together forever, won't we?”

0/.65 HP

RESET.

…

You gasp, sitting up in your bed. Looking around, you try to gather your surroundings. Snowdin? Surface? Who knows anymore.

Wait. Dark blue. Dark blue walls. The surface? But how?

You quickly turn your head to Face Papyrus’ bed. He sleeping there. Then… was it just a dream? A nightmare? But it felt… so real.

You stand up slowly on shaky legs. Is everyone else okay? You should go check. Just to be sure. It probably was just a nightmare, but just to be sure. 

You go next to Papyrus, and gently touch your hand across his face. He's there. He's alive and there. Thank god.

Silently, you make your way towards Asgore's room first, too afraid to check on the kid just yet. Yup, Asgore's there, alive and well. Same with Undyne and Alphys.

Your hands start to shake as you turn the knob to the kid’s room. Taking a deep breath, you open the door, preparing for the worst.

What greets you… isn't the worst. Toriel sleeping peacefully, and the kid sleeping, but looking uncomfortable, almost like they're having a nightmare. 

You would wake them, but knowing what they've been through, it might not be the best idea for either of you. The nightmare is probably of you anyways, and you don't feel like you'll be able to handle seeing the kid awake right now, after your own nightmare. You'll talk to them about it in the morning though, after you've calmed down a little.

You creep back to your room, now that you know everything is okay, trying not to dwell on your nightmare too much. Which you'll probably do tomorrow when you're more awake, but right now, you just want to sleep. So sleep you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, this updates on wednesdays now, incase you haven't noticed. (sorry)


	37. Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes talking brings out with people who are going through what you're going through helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funny story: i ALMOST forgot i was supposed to update this today??? so i just wrote this chapter suuuper quickly??? please tell me if it doesn't make sense at all i'll try and fix it
> 
> also, thank you again for like the hundredth thousandth time for all the support! you guys are great. all of you. don't forget that!
> 
> also, in case anyone wants to read more stuff by me (why would you though lol) i have another multi chapter story that i started (why do i do this to myself) it's probably not going to update as often as this one, but if you want to, check it out! (shameless self promotion lol)

.65/.65 HP. Not impressive. But… better? Is it even worth telling someone when it's a .05 improvement? Not even a whole number? Some monsters are out there getting fives of tens of HoPe per day or week or whatever. And here you are, ‘happy’ about your .65 HP.

Papyrus seemed so happy when you told him about gaining the small piece of HoPe back, and this amount is even smaller than last time.

Should you wait? Wait until it's increased by a higher amount to tell someone? Because you'll have to show someone your HP eventually, and it's kind of selfish to make a big deal about .05 HP. Even though it is a big deal for you. Even though it shouldn't be.

“Sans, are you alright? You have been very quiet this morning.” Toriel asks.

Right. You're at breakfast, and supposed to be making conversation.

“nah, i'm fine, just… uh… thinkin of a good pun to make. i feel like i need to _dish_ out some new material every once in a while.” You point at the plate in front of you for emphasis, earning Toriel’s laugh and a distraction from her first question.

“Well don't work yourself too hard coming up with these,” Toriel starts, an obvious prep for a joke, “you already have enough on your _plate_.”

You burst out laughing. Damn. Stupid puns and jokes always seem to get you. “that was a good one tori.”

You look around the table, everyone else looking extremely tired (except Papyrus, he's up and cooking breakfast), and not without reason. Everyone had to get up early today. Something like ‘we have to go on a group shopping trip, because I don't know everyone's preferences and the store opens early, and we should go there before a big crowd comes, and I also don't know how long it will take’ to put it in Papyrus’ really long words. However, looking at the kid, Frisk, you notice they're looking more tired than they should be, even for getting up early. You're reminded of seeing them in what looked like a nightmare last night, reminding you of your dream as well, but you push it to the back of your mind.

“hey kid.”

They look at you.

“how'd you sleep last night.”

You feel guilty for not comforting them, but that probably wouldn't have ended well for either of you.

‘I should be asking you. I heard you get up in the middle of the night.’

Doubt it. Frisk was sound asleep, in a nightmare, but definitely not getting up anytime soon. Now, you know who probably was the one who actually saw you, but there's other people here right now, and you don't feel like getting into that discussion.

“i have no idea what you're talking about,” You lie.

‘Then I slept fine. Thanks.’ They reply curtly.

They're acting like you, aren't they?

“Uhh…” Undyne begins, noticing the obvious tension between you and Frisk, but she's interrupted by Papyrus.

“BREAKFAST!”

You shoot Frisk a look saying ‘we’all talk about this later’.

By the time later comes around, you're getting kind of nervous with the kid just staring at you like that. You're at one end of the smaller couch, and they're at the other. They looked ticked off at you and… mad?

“so… uh… how did you sleep? i thought you might have been having a nightmare.”

‘How would you know that unless you were up in the middle of the night?’

You sigh, “got me there kid.”

Their expression softens, but they still have a look on their face that you can't read. ‘Sans, you can't keep lying.'

Well. How are you supposed to respond to that? “...sorry?”

You know it's bad when a kid has to lecture you. However, you try and change the subject. “so, um, you did have a nightmare? care to share?”

‘If you tell me what you were doing up wandering through everyone's rooms. Chara said it didn't look like you were looking for something to… never mind. I’m assuming you had a nightmare too?’ They sign.

“sure. deal.”

‘Well…’ They stop for a second before thinking how to phrase this. ‘It was about you. Your fight. I was reminded of some… pretty bad things I did.’ They suddenly look much older than they are. ‘Sorry i've been on edge with you today a little. I know I usually don't act this… rude. Sorry.’

You did notice their curtness with you, but it's not their fault so you don't really blame them for it.

“it's k. i, uh, don't really mind.” Kind of deserve it, it was your fault they were acting like that. “soo… i guess you want to hear about my fun nighttime experiences last night, huh? welp.” You look for a way to explain your nightmare, not that you really wanted to to begin with but you really can't back out of it now, that won't make them feel guilty. “i was… also reminded of things. from back underground. except those things were carried out on the surface. and all at once.” You shudder, “it just felt… real. so i, uh, checked on everyone. to make sure they were okay.”

You both sit in silence after you finish, no one knowing what to say. It's nice though, these talks. Get your feelings out, but not have to worry about someone fawning over you. Frisk and you both understand each other's struggles better than even your brother could, or anyone else for that matter.

“we should probably get ready for going to the store.” You say suddenly, breaking the silence. “otherwise everyone's gonna get mad at us for not being ready.”

They give you a look.

“i mean me. i know you'll get ready in no time, kid. You wink at them and they smile back.

 


	38. Calendar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slightly better way to keep track

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god. i came back to 883 Kudos. almost 100 more than when i left. oooohhh mmmyyy goooddd. All of you are amazing!!!!
> 
> that being said, yes! i am back! later than august 16th, but it took me a while to get my shit together first. also, unfortunately, i didn't have as much time as i originally thought at camp to write, so i didn't really get anything done :/ however i will try to go back to updating once a week, even though the chapters might be a bit shorter than they usually were.
> 
> i know i say it all the time but you guys all rock! you're all so kind to me and understanding! i love you all!!! <3
> 
> sorry i suck all the time, i'll try to post more regularly with better chapters.
> 
> anyways yeah me rambling but have this most likely poorly written chapter i didn't re-read it lol

This was, no doubt, the best thing ever. This store was the most amazing thing you have ever seen.

“hey. Papyrus. hey Papyrus.”

Papyrus groans in response. “WHAT IS IT THIS TIME SANS?”

“you look really nice today. thought i’d just give you a  _ komplement _ .” You say, pointing to the tag on an item.

You laugh at Papyrus’ disgruntled expression.

“SANS, JUST HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS?”

In turn you point to another item, a clock, and smile deviously. “what, are you in a  _ rusch _ to get me to stop?”

“NYEH! HOW DO I EVEN DEAL WITH YOU?”

“i dunno bro, i guess  _ ollsta _ if you want me to.”

Papyrus just groans at that one and turns around, but you can still see the smile on his face betraying his annoyance.

You also hear Toriel laughing a short distance away from you in the store. “What are these item names!”

“I JUST CAME HERE TO PICK OUT SOME FURNITURE, NOT TO BE BOMBARDED WITH PUNS!”

You laugh once more, realizing you would be fully contented if you had to stay in this store the rest of your life.

Eventually, unfortunately, everyone has found what they needed and more, and you all head to check out. All you picked out was a new alarm clock and a calendar with… dogs???

You weren’t originally planning on getting anything, but of course Papyrus insisted, so you ended up with a new clock. You chose it partly because of the fact it’s shaped like a cheesy cartoon rocket ship, and who wouldn’t want that? But also partly because of the fact that you’re tired of getting up in the middle of the night and staring at the bright red numbers that mock you for whatever early time in the morning you’re up. Up from a nightmare. But thinking on the positive side that rocketship clock looks really rad.

And… the calendar. You didn’t pick that one out. Papyrus walked past a stand full of them, and called you over. You were originally confused, but then he explained how it “MIGHT HELP YOU OUT WITH… YOU KNOW… IT’S SOMETHING OTHER THAN TALLIES IF YOU EVER FEEL THE NEED TO RESORT TO THAT AGAIN…” to quote Papyrus. You agreed, picking out a random one, happening to be the dog calendar. It’s a good idea, of course it was, it was Papyrus’, but it just kinda. Soured your good mood. Not by a noticeable amount, but more mentally, as it left you thinking about things you didn’t want to think about today. This morning already started off pretty bad, and you just wanted to get on with the day without any more reminders of… you. Just yourself, and how messed up you are. But it’s whatever, you can’t really go a day without your issues being brought up. Not really a big deal, and you have no one to blame but yourself anyways.

So you checked out, got back in the car, and started to head home. It’s rather tight, as you only took two cars, and a lot of stuff was bought at the store. Some furniture is going to be delivered to the house you found out, but most of today’s gains are currently in the car with you.

Frisk is next to you in the back, along with Papyrus as shotgun and Toriel driving. You find your mind wandering as you drive home, not really on things you would expect, but more over random, trivial things. You’re finally home after what seems like at most ten, fifteen minutes, but in reality was around an hour.

“THAT WAS FUN!”

“yeah, i had a great  _ time _ .” You say as you’re getting out of the car, holding up the alarm clock you bought.

“I MEANT TO SAY THAT WAS FUN, EXCEPT FOR THE PUNS! SANS!”

“yeah, yeah, sorry bro.” You say insincerely.

“UGHHH!” Papyrus groans.

It’s fine though, you can see he’s happy. Happy you’ve started to go back to making puns like your old self. Even though your ‘old self’ was the one with the facade. But to be fair, you are happier when you’re making puns and making Papyrus pretend he doesn’t like them.

The car Asgore was driving, along with Alphys and Undyne, is already in the driveway, and Asgore and Undyne are already unloading boxes and bags with stuff they bought. Alphys just sits on the side, watching her girlfriend and ex-crush. You join her as Papyrus and Toriel start unloading the car you were in. Frisk runs inside without everyone, eager to do something, though you’re not sure what. Maybe watch tv?

“H-how was shopping today?” Alphys asks, “didn’t really s-see you much. It w-was a pretty big store.”

“It was good. got a clock and a calendar.” You hold up the bag in your hands so Alphys could see. “what’d you get?”

“O-oh! Just a few things.” Alphys holds up her bag, full of what you can only assume is anime. “We a-also got a chair for our room, b-but it’s not supposed to come for another day or two.”

You both stand there and talk for a little while longer until everything that was bought was taken inside, and everyone goes inside as well. It’s actually later than you thought it would be, just after the time you have lunch, so you go upstairs to drop your clock and calendar in your room.

You’re just plugging in your new alarm clock and taking the old one out when Papyrus comes into the room. “MISS TORIEL IS MAKING LUNCH TODAY.”

“cool.” You reply, “any reason you’re not helping?”

“ARE YOU WORRIED THE COOKING WILL NOT BE AS GOOD AS WHEN I’M HELPING? NYEH HEH HEH! I ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LUNCH.”

Papyrus? Sit down? Something seems suspicious. “HAVE YOU HUNG UP YOUR CALENDAR YET?” Oh. That’s why.

Noticing the unopened calendar still on your bed, he continues. “NO? WELL HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.”

Papyrus sits on the bed next to you and rips open the plastic covering your dog calendar. Flipping through it he comments, “THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF… DOGS… ON HERE.” He reaches December and puts the calendar down. “THANKFULLY NONE OF THEM ARE ANNOYING!”

Papyrus shifts his weight as to grab a black sharpie out of his pocket. He picks up the calendar once again and flips to the current month. “WHAT IS TODAY’S DATE AGAIN?”

You automatically respond, “it’s the 23rd.”

“OH!” He then proceeds to make X’s on every date from the first to the 22nd. “HERE.” He hands you the calendar. “YOU CAN MARK TODAY’S DATE OFF TOMORROW.” Papyrus suddenly looks slightly shameful. “I hope this helps with… the whole tally thing.” He says quieter, “I know it’s a bit late, and might not even help at all… but… I just want to help. And I hope this helps.”

You both sit in silence for a few seconds before Papyrus speaks up once again. “NOW, WHERE SHOULD WE PUT THIS?”

You shrug, and Papyrus takes a moment to look around. “THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT SPOT!” Hep points to an area on the wall opposite the front of your bed, exactly where you would be looking when you get up.

Papyrus then gets a push pin from his bedside table and goes over to the wall to hang up the calendar. “HOWS THAT LOOK?”

A small white dog stares back at you as you look at the calendar.

“perfect.”


	39. Pills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy i think this chapter is kinda long overdue (and also a day late as well) but i recently got put on antidepressants so i figured it was as good a time as any to write this.
> 
> also! don't mean to be one of those people but my birthday is the 31st! so that's cool! but then school starts right after so not cool, not cool at all.
> 
> anyways, don't really have much to say except HOLY CRAP MAN THIS STORY HAS ALMOST 900 KUDOS. wow. that's actually so amazing, i'd never thought this would become that popular

“hey, Papyrus… uh… while we’re here, i kinda wanted to show you something.”

Papyrus looks back at you with a quizzical and semi-nervous expression.

“you have to… um… check me?” 

You’re starting to almost regret your decision but it’s too late. At least Papyrus looks sort of excited?

Sans  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
.65/.65 HP  
Unsure of how to feel

“i mean it’s not much but i figured you’d just want to-” You start saying quickly, but Papyrus interrupts you.

“SANS THAT’S GREAT! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.” He gives you a huge smile.

And in return you smile back, a genuine smile back besides your usual one plastered on your face. It’s a small smile, but it’s real. 

You’re glad he didn’t ask when you gained the HP back, seeing as you neglected to tell Papyrus when it happened. 

It’s just… that you’re being praised for something. And a thought in the back of your mind says you don’t deserve that praise, that you shouldn’t be excited over .05 HP, shouldn’t even have gained it back in the first place. And you’re almost able to ignore that voice. Almost.

“Lunch!” Toriel calls from downstairs, and both you and Papyrus start to make your way to the kitchen.

You eat, and surprisingly Papyrus doesn’t bring up your HP increase, which you’re happy about. It’s not that you don’t want to show how you’ve been getter better, but the focus of everyday doesn’t have to be about you.

After you finish, Alphys comes up to you before you can make your way back up to your room.

“W-wait Sans, I um have to talk to you about something. Maybe we c-could… uh… go into the living r-room if that’s okay?”

“sure, that’s fine Alph.” You reply, not having any idea of what she wants to talk about for once.

You both make your way into the living room, where the tv was left on from Frisk watching some show before lunch. Alphys grabs the remote and turns the volume down.

“So, um, you know h-how I talked to you about an antidepressant a w-while back?”

“mhm.”

“W-well, I had been t-thinking about it and I know it’s b-been a w-while since we had t-that conversation and I p-probably should have l-looked into it sooner but-”

You cut her off from her thoughts, “it’s fine, don’t worry.”

Alphys takes a breath before continuing, “Well I f-found something that you could t-try? Only if y-you wanted to of course, it’s your decision.” She starts shuffling through the pockets of the lab coat she’s wearing and you’re hit with a sudden nostalgia. “H-here.” She holds up a small bottle with some of the tiniest pills you’ve ever seen. “Do… do you w-want to try this?”

You take some time debating your answer. On one hand, this might help. On the other… well. You’re a still a scientist, even though you sometimes try and forget that. You know about side effects of medication and all sorts of stuff like that. But, if this were to help, help you be able to not constantly feel tired, not be filled with anxiety all the time…

“yeah, i’ll do it.”

“A-are you sure?” You give a brief nod, “W-well, that’s good! I actually prescribed you t-the same brand that im t-taking right now! Um… just g-got to, um, go over some things t-that i’m sure you know about. B-basically, what i’m giving you is used t-to treat depression and anxiety, so it should h-help with both of those. You’ll b-be starting out with a 5mg dose in t-the pill,” You only shudder slightly at the phrasing, reminding you of...nevermind, “but in the first s-six days y-you should take h-half a pill, j-just to get you introduced to the m-medicine to make s-sure it doesn’t h-have any super b-bad side effects. T-that being said though, there p-probably will be some side effects, and, um, if t-the medication isn’t the right one, i’ll end up p-prescribing something else f-for you probably. If it, uh, does work, we’ll up t-the dosage to 10mg, or h-however much you’ll need. And y-you shouldn’t f-feel the medicine s-start to work until f-four to six weeks.” Alphys gives a small chuckle, “Got all t-that?”

“uh, yeah.” Although you’ve never heard particularly about an antidepressant, it seems to work the same way as a lot of other medication you’re read about.

“Also! I know i’m rambling but I just gotta say everything.” Alphys says quickly, “You s-should probably take it at n-night. B-because it tends t-to make you tired. Or at l-least with my experience it does.” She hands you the bottle. “If y-you have any questions, i’m taking the s-same thing,” She gives another laugh, this time with a bit less humour, “so don’t h-hesitate to ask me any questions!” 

“thanks Alphys. don’t know what i’d do without ya.” Honestly, you’d be dead without her.

“No problem! G-glad I could help!”

You make your way upstairs again and into your room, and find it empty. Well, Papyrus never really was one for staying indoors if he could help it. You roll the blinds up on your window and look outside to find Frisk and Papyrus playing with a frisbee in the backyard. And it’s weird, but you’re struck with the actual motivation to join them outside, and not just wallow in your room until dinner. Struck with the desire to actually do something for once, besides just moping around. And it’s so weird, you’re almost confused when the feeling hits. But nevertheless, you go over to your dresser and place the antidepressant bottle on top, smiling for real once again as you make your way outside.


	40. Inject

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andddd we reach chapter 40! woo! 
> 
> sorry my update schedule has been SUPER messed up lately, i'm just getting in the flow of things, and decided that today (wedensday in my time zone) will be my update day. so thanks for sticking through wth me in that... ehem... rough patch.
> 
> special thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday in the last chapter, you guys are super awesome!
> 
> and oh my gosh over 900 kudos you guys never cease to amaze me!!!
> 
> also, i made a tumblr page if anyones interested??? -- https://permanent-smile.tumblr.com -- idk if anyone will be but if you want you can send some asks and maybe ill draw some stuff for the pic or whatever. the links also at the end notes

It had been about a week since you’d started the antidepressants, and, well, nothing really was different so far. But of course, that was to be expected. Alphys had said that it would take at least four weeks before you would begin to notice anything.

However, the only thing you had noticed was minor side effects. Like the way you’re a bit more fidgety than normal, and it only seems a bit harder to fall asleep at night. Not that you’re unused to falling asleep at late hours, only to be woken soon after from a nightmare, but it’s noticeable. At least to you.

That being said, nightmares have continued to plague your sleep, none quite as bad as the horrible ones you’ve had before, but they seem to be more frequent compared to before you started medication. It doesn’t really bother you though. You can handle it. If there’s even a small chance you’ll feel better by taking this, you’ll do it.

But there’s this feeling you just can’t shake. This feeling of dread that seems right around the corner. That suddenly, soon, something will go wrong and it will just be a spiral downwards after that. It makes no sense honestly; everything’s been going better than it has in a while. But for some reason you just can’t shake the thought that you’re going to go back to your old self. Stuck in the RESETS once more. Or maybe something worse. But that won’t happen.

Will it?

Frisk taps you on the shoulder, interrupting your train of thought. You turn your attention to them, and they start signing, ‘Sans?’

“yeah, kiddo?”

‘Mom says that i’m starting school tomorrow. At a place in the town.’ You nod, realizing Frisk might be nervous about the whole thing. They wanted to go to Toriel’s school, but it might be a while before that’s set up. ‘I was wondering…’ They stop signing briefly, pausing for only a moment before continuing, ‘I was wondering if you could take me? It’s not really that far.’

“yeah, i think i’ve seen the place before. big brick building?” You ask. Frisk nods. “wanna take a shortcut?” You ask, already knowing the answer.

Frisk excitedly bobs their head up and down while simultaneously signing ‘Yes’ over and over again. ‘Thank you so so so much!’

“geese kid, if i’d had known you’d been this excited ‘bout shortcuts, would’ve shown you a few more.” You wink at them. “alright, alright, how early do i have to get up?”

Frisk takes a moment in thought before responding, ‘I’m pretty sure it starts at nine. I’ll double check with mom, but i’m pretty sure that’s right.’

You give them a ‘flabbergasted’ look, “really kid? that early?” Frisk giggles at your over exaggerated response. “s’not a problem. i’ll meet you in the kitchen at 8:45, if that’s okay?”

‘Yes. Thank you again Sans!’ They smile up at you.

“as i said, not a problem. got all your school stuff ready?”

‘Yeah, mom took me shopping earlier today.’

You look over at the clock on the cable box beneath the tv. 10:02. “then what are you doing up? wasn’t your bedtime at 9:30?”

Frisk flashes you a devious smile, not like ones that are associated with memories you’d rather not talk about, but a smile filled with just a childish misbehavior.

“Night Sans!” They say, surprising you, before running upstairs into their room.

They sort of remind you of Papyrus when you were both younger. Cheering you up no matter how bad your day had been.

_Everything hurts. Your neck hurts especially, but that doesn’t mean the rest of your body doesn’t hurt. Because, oh boy, it does. But you’ve grown used to it. Used to the soreness that comes a few hours after you’re injected. It’s even the preferable state for you, seeing as that a few hours before this, when you were injected with that damn ‘Determination’ it was so much worse. So, so much worse. It was pure agony. Your whole body melting like you’ve fallen into the lava at Hotland, except the pain multiplied ten times. And you can’t even have the release of death, because the pain goes on for what seems like hours, hours where your body is literally melting from the inside out. Hours where your so called father writes down the results like you’re some sort of, some sort of… experiment. Because that’s what you are._

_You try your best to shake yourself out of your thoughts as you approach your house. You’ve had to walk home after every experiment, except for the first, where you were too overwhelmed with pure emotion and pain and guilt and betrayal that you couldn’t help but faint. And you awoke on an uncomfortable couch in your ‘father’s’ office in the lab. However, the former mentioned was nowhere to be seen. And you didn’t have the energy to look for him, nor did you want to. So you left. And walked home. The way you are now, and have been doing._

_And all you want to do is go into your room and sleep until you can’t sleep anymore, and once you reach that point, knock yourself out in the hopes of never waking up again. But you can’t. You can’t because your brother, the only person you can trust anymore, is oblivious to what’s happening. And that’s good, because he shouldn’t know what’s happening. Because if your ‘father’ got his hands on Papyrus...no. Nope. Not happening._

_Obviously, Papyrus knows something is up. But he probably just expects that dad’s been extra harsh on you recently. Which is true, when he comes home (if he comes home at all; he hasn’t been leaving the lab recently), he’s made sure to make your punches a little harder than the norm. And you really, really wish that was all that was going on._

_And it’s not. But there’s nothing you can do about it, and you’re certainly not telling Papyrus. So, instead, you put the best smile on your face that you can manage and open the door to your house. Papyrus sees you from the kitchen where he’s heating up dinner for both of you. He’s really grown up over the past couple years._

_“SANS! YOU’RE HOME!” Papyrus yells, running towards you._

_ He pulls you into a gentle hug, but however gentle, you still hold back flinching at the painful contact. “I missed you today.” He says quietly to you. _

_“i missed you too Paps.” You say back, smiling a little easier now. “i missed you too.”_

  
  
  



	41. Anime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i'm slowing dying from the amount of school work i have to do this week. mind you, the second week of school. it's only the beginning of my time spent burning in hell.
> 
> beside that though!!! yay, chapter! read it if you want, that'd be cool

“S-sans? Could you ever RESET?” Alphys asks out of nowhere.

And it catches you so off guard that you just freeze. Just. Stop walking.

Alphys obviously notices this and thinks she had done something wrong, “Obviously you d-don't have t-to answer.” She stutters out quickly, stopping to face you in the middle of the sidewalk where you're standing.

“no.” You reply once your mind finally starts working again, and then you realize you should probably clarify that response, “i couldn't ever RESET.”

You both start walking again, heading towards this shop that's close to your house that apparently sells manga and anime. Alphys was going to go by herself, since Undyne had some errands to run, but you asked if you could come along. For the hell of it. You've been feeling a bit better honestly, but you're still kinda… eh. 

From slightly behind you and to your right you hear Alphys tapping her fingers together. You turn and look back at her, still walking, and she looks like she about to choose her words wisely. 

You slow your pace down the slightest bit so that Alphys is now walking side by side with you. In the corner of your eye you watch her, opening and closing her mouth a few times like she's going to say something, but then regrets it. You're starting to get anxiety about what she could possible have to say that's so bad that she has to think about it for this long, so instead you initiate the conversation.

“did you, uh, want to say something?” You keep walking, and both of you keep an even, slow pace.

Alphys seems to notice that you had been watching her in her little indecisive state. “W-well, you're probably w-wondering why I asked you if you c-could, um, RESET?” You nod to get her to continue, “W-well I had been thinking, you… you…” She takes a deep breath and says her next sentence almost quick enough that you didn't understand what she was saying, “You have Determination and I was wondering if you could maybe RESET because you could remember timelines even that flower can’t and he can RESET so I figured you would probably be able to to?” Alphys gives you a sheepish, questioning look. 

You pride yourself on only flinching once when she said that. And it was barely noticeable. “umm, well…” You search your mind for an answer that you thought you knew, but apparently you didn't. So instead, you just make the best guess you can. “i actually don't know,” you admit, “but i'm pretty sure it has something to do with our souls. monster souls i mean.” You're about to jump into an explanation of what souls are made of, and then you realize it Alphys you're talking to. She probably knows more about souls than anyone. “it kind of goes against what our souls are made of. there's a reason monster souls don't persist after death i guess. they're not meant to have Determination.” You shudder. “they physically can't. except, well, i guess i'm living proof that isn't true, right?” You give a small, humorless chuckle. “so i guess even if a monster soul had Determination and was somehow still alive, like mine, it would be going against everything a monster souls stands for.” Alphys nods, like she's mulling this over in her head as well, and probably has a better understanding of what happened then you do. “i mean honestly i hadn't even thought about it now, which is weird, right?”

You both walk in silence for a few more steps before continuing where you left off. “of course Frisk’s soul was capable of RESETTING, it was pure Determination. and that flower didn't have a soul, so he didn't have to abide by any laws at all on that sort of matter.” You walk a few more steps, “but as i said, i hadn't really thought about it before now, i could be totally wrong.”

You look over at Alphys and she seems deep in thought, but not like she's not paying attention to what you're saying. Noticing you staring at her, she pipes up, “Yeah, t-that sounds pretty right actually. At l-least it m-makes sense in theory. I c-could always run some tests if you really wanted to know, b-but-”

“no.” You cut her off without a split second hesitation. “i don't need to know and i don't want to.”

Alphys looks at the ground at her feet, hitting the ground with a soft tap with every step she takes. You feel a pang of guilt.

“not that i don't want to because of you… i just… i don't want to have to be experimented on. again. and… i know… that you would never go that far…” And of course oh thought your father would never go that far, but look how that turned out, “but if, if this is really the ending, no RESETS, no time stuff, no genocide anymore, i don't want to pursue something i know will just… just make me think back on those times.

You look up in front of you a spot the store in the distance, about a two minutes walk from your current spot. It's quiet for a few more moments minus the sound of your footsteps against the pavement and the cars passing by until Alphys responds. “I can completely s-stand behind t-that. I would f-feel the same way.”

“thanks.” You say quietly, not really for anything specific, but just for Alphys… being Alphys.

The store is close now, close enough to see the various banners and posters advertising new animes and manga that's come out, and your immediate thought is, ‘yup. this is Alphys’.

“didja have anything in mind?” You ask.

“What?”

“for anime. or manga. or whatever the hell kinda weeb stuff you're getting here.” You tease in a light tone.

“Ha ha, mr. space dork.” She gives you a smile.

“hey, what can i say? some of that space stuff is out of this world.”

Alphys groans as you walk inside.


	42. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh boy am i sorry for not updating last week. basically i forgot and got distracted and was going to post it as soon as i could, but then stuff just got super busy and basically im really sorry.
> 
> on a brighter note, this chapter is longer than the recent ones (even though it's still pretty short)
> 
> on a not-so-brighter note, this chapter.

The antidepressants weren't working.

Well, they weren’t supposed to yet. It had only been four weeks. You still had another two weeks before you would know if they worked for you. But you want them to work. You want them to work right now because it seems like everything only feels worse, and you know you should be feeling better but you aren’t. You had upped the dose to 10mg, but all that did was make you more restless and twitchy. No less depressed.

But hey, Alphys said that she’ll really know if the medicine is working for you in a couple of months. And… and that just seems like something you don’t want to have to wait for. If this one doesn’t work you’re half tempted to just give up. Why even try? If it takes three months or so to test out a medicine that you don’t even know will work, why keep repeating the process only to end up with disappointment.

Maybe it’s your fault. Maybe you’re just so unfixable that antidepressants don't work on you. Maybe you’re just so broken that you’ll never heal right. ...Maybe you’re just being a whiny baby, for god’s sake, it’s only week four. But something just… doesn’t sit right. Some thought at the back of your mind, that’s been at the back of your mind, comes forward. Maybe it would be easier to be gone. Maybe if you died, Papyrus wouldn’t have to worry about you getting better and stressing, Alphys wouldn’t have to worry about giving you proper doses of medicine, and you. You wouldn’t have to worry about anything. You could-

Selfish, selfish, selfish! Don’t think about that! Don’t make your friends and family go through that again!

You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place now. Living is no good, dying is no good. You’ve been in this dilemma before but… how did you solve it? You had friends supporting you, of course. But you have that now, and yet you’re facing the same problem. The same feeling that you had through the RESETS, and especially during this timeline. That same feeling of hopelessness that seems unbearable, no,  _ is _ unbearable. What did you do?

Your wrist scratches, your wrist feels itchy, and of course, that’s what it was. The thing you can do without anyone knowing that’ll take away your thoughts. For a bit. But then you do it again, and again, and-

No. No, no, no, no. You are not going down that road again. Why should you? You’re finally getting better, aren’t you? Finally accepting the help that your family gives? Finally finding it in yourself to be happy?

But the thing is, you’re not. You were, but now, sitting alone in your room in the dead of night, you’re not. Maybe you weren’t even okay a few weeks ago. Maybe you put up a façade so strong it even fooled yourself. That must be it. Because no one can go from happy, from happy… to this.

So why not? Why not dig into your bone again? You deserve it for tricking everyone into thinking you’re getting better. Plus, no one has to know. Papyrus doesn’t check your wrists as often as he did before, and even then he never really checked your legs. You’ve never cut into your legs before. Maybe you’ll-

Stop. This isn’t right. You can’t.  _ You can’t _ . Imagine the look of disappointment on Papyrus’ face when he sees, or if you feel guilty and tell him. You can’t.

You should… sleep. Yeah. That’ll get your mind of things. Hopefully. Maybe you’ll even feel better tomorrow and this whole thing will be over nothing. You’re fine, totally fine.

You roll over on your side and close your eyes. You try taking a few deep breaths before you feel uncomfortable and turn to your other side. You ignore the itching thought in the back of your mind to find a knife or something, and maybe even off yourself. Well, you  _ try _ to ignore the thought.

Do you have sleeping pills in the house? You sit up as the thought occurs to you. You must, right? That’s like a thing all houses have in some variety. You really don’t need something strong, just something that can knock you out. Well, maybe you do need something strong then. Yeah, you’ll need something strong enough to make sure you don’t have nightmares.

You look over at Papyrus’ sleeping body, checking to make sure he doesn’t wake, then creep out the door. The air is significantly cooler outside your room, and you shiver slightly as you take a step on the uncarpeted wooden floor.

Where to look? That’s the question, ain’t it? You doubt Toriel or Frisk would have any in their room, and even so, you don’t want to chance running into… ehem… someone while you’re in there. Alphys probably wouldn’t keep her medicine in her room, and you seriously doubt Undyne has any need for sleeping meds. That leaves Asgore. Well, Papyrus as well, but you know he doesn’t have any.

Who knows if Asgore has sleeping pills?  _ Why _ would Asgore have sleeping pills? Eh, it’s worth a shot, and you really, really want something to help. Why did you never think of this before? It honestly seems like a simple solution.

You snoop your way around the house until you reach Asgore’s room. Putting your head up against the door, you listen and hear the large snores, signifying the king’s sleep. You push the door open with a slight creak, and step inside. Since Asgore’s room is the main one of the house, the bathroom’s connected, and he doesn’t have to use the one that everyone else uses. That seems like a place for medicine, right?

You decide to check the bathroom first, which is all the way on the other side of the room. You feel uneasy for a few moments, not because you think Asgore might be waking, or the fact that you’re sneaking around the house, but something else.

Then it hits you. The last time you were in this room was when… Well. Just find the sleeping pills and you’ll be able to forget and go to sleep in a few minutes.

Your eye lights have adjusted to the dimness of the room thankfully, once you made your way into the bathroom. You don’t want to have to turn the light on and risk Asgore waking up. You shuffle through the cabinet above his sink, and surprisingly, you notice, he has a lot of pills there. You even spot a name that you think might be an antidepressant, but you’re really not sure because you’re not really into the whole ‘medicine thing’. That's Alphys.

You finally find what you’re looking for, a small bottle with a label you recognize instantaneously as coming from the underground. It honestly gives you a bit of nostalgia as you look at it, so used to seeing the shiny new bottles and labels of the surface technology.

You take a look at the back of the bottle to check the dosages, and strain your eyes to see, as it’s still very dark in the room, even with moonlight peeking through a window in the bedroom. A quick check reminds you, of yeah, monster medicine was based off stuff like HP and weight, not age, a little bit different from the human medicine.

It’s funny, and you almost laugh, but you stifle it, reminding yourself Asgore’s sleeping right next to you. You’re HP and weight aren’t even on the chart on the back. The smallest HP is 20, the lowest HP an adult monster usually has. You’re weight is even close to not being mentioned at all, but there are some pretty tiny monsters out there, so at least you’re on the chart in that respect.

The lowest dosage recommends half a pill, but honestly you don’t think that would do it. You have  _ pretty _ bad sleeping problems. And you’re really tired right now and can’t bother to get a pill cutter, let alone have to put it back and clean it up when you’re done, so you just pour out some pills into your palm.

You take one will your other hand and swallow it, tasting the gross flavor of the medicine. Seems like these are the real deal, not the fake, artificially flavored kid’s crap.

You’re about to put the excess pills back in the bottle, but you pause, looking at them for a second. You know you’re already probably taking more than you’re supposed to, but honestly? Honestly you wouldn’t mind sleeping for a little longer than normal.

There’s three more pills in your hand. You grab one, then grab one more, leaving only one left in the original palm. You swallow the two, and think, ‘to the hell with it’, and take the last one as well.

You’re filled with guilt and regret and you close the bottle up, but.... But you’re kind of happy? In that maybe you’ll sleep in. Maybe you’ll sleep for a really long time, maybe you’ll never wake up at all! Your hands shake. No, that wouldn’t be a good thing. For Papyrus. For you it would be, but not for Papyrus. You have to remember that.

You shake the bottle in your hands, careful to not make too much noise while doing so. It’s actually pretty full, which you’re grateful for, and Asgore probably won’t notice that he’s missing any at all. You’re almost going to question why Asgore even has sleeping pills to begin with, but honestly, you’re too tired. Not from the effects of the medicine from what you can tell, because you were this tired before, but enough to make you put the bottle back in Asgore’s cabinet, and head back to your own room.

You lay back down in your bed, after making sure that Papyrus was still sleeping. How could you have not thought of this before! You would almost call yourself giddy with excitement if it weren’t for how tired you were. You finally have a solution! How could you have not thought of this before, that was pretty stupid. Oh well, whatever. It’ll work now.

You lay there on the bed for a little bit, still that restless type of tired, waiting for the meds to kick in. Slowly, a wave of calm overcomes you, and you feel as though if you shut your eyes, you could sleep for a thousand years.

Suddenly, you have this feeling in the pit of your stomach that this wasn’t a good idea. But it’s no use fighting against it because two seconds later you fall asleep.


	43. Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it all started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhh im so so so sorry i didn't post on wednesday!!! i kinda??? ended up sleeping the whole day??? probably cause i missed a lot of sleep being sick the days before :/
> 
> ANYWAYS! um, yeah. i posted on the tumblr for this fic that i'd try and update on friday, and even though its technically 15 minutes past friday (in my timezone at least) im still considering it friday
> 
> okie dokie that being said im still going to try and update wednsday, sorry i'm so bad with this stuff :(

It’s… peaceful. Black and dark and never ending, yet peaceful all the while. Like what you imagine drifting through the sky would be like. Soaring through the clouds, not caring where you’re going. It’s like this for a while. You don’t know the exactly how long this time is, but it seems pretty long. 

After this long while, a light starts to appear in the midst of the blackness. It’s so faint you can hardly make it out at first, but it soon becomes brighter and brighter. Like a frog in a pot of boiling water slowly being heated up, it doesn’t bother you at first until you realized you’re being blinded, blinded by this light. You try and close your eyes, but they’re already closed…? Either that or you can’t move, can’t do anything, but it doesn’t matter because soon the light bursts and you open your eyes.

The first thing you see is your reflection. Reflected in the mirror is your face, tired and worn, looking like you haven’t slept in days, and that’s probably true. But that’s not the only tired you’re experiencing. You’re tired of your father. You’re tired of having to get up everyday and be subjected to his will. You’re tired of having to put on a fake smile everyday, reassuring anyone like Alphys who asks you ‘Hey, are you doing okay?’ or Papyrus who asks ‘Has it been worse recently?’. You’re tired of having to say, ‘no, i’m fine, it’s all okay.’ even though it’s really the opposite of okay. You’re tired of this. You’re tired of living like this. You’re tired. You’re tired!

You punch the mirror in front of you, immediately causing it to shatter into millions of shards. Glass sprays everywhere, and your first thought is, ‘thank god no one’s home right now.’ Your second thought is that you’ll be in so much trouble for this when your father comes home and finds out you broke the mirror in the one bathroom in the whole house.

Looking down at your hand, you realize it’s still covered in glass. You brush the small fragments of pieces off with your other hand, and take a closer look at the damage done. Small cuts line the bone, and you figure the only reason your hand isn’t in a lot of pain right now would be from the adrenaline rush you just experienced. Unfortunately, your adrenaline is starting to wear off as the seconds tick by, so you make full use of your hand before it hurts to much to grab anything.

Quickly taking a small dust pan and broom from under the sink, you start to clean up the rest of the shattered glass on the floor. It’s relatively quick work, what with adrenaline still pumping through you, but your damaged hand is beginning to feel the full extent of its injuries. 

You dump the broken pieces from the pan and into a small trash can, and you can only hope the cheap garbage bag doesn’t break from the glass piercing through it. Fortunately, you’ve been granted some luck today, as when you tie the bag up in a knot at the top and throw it in the corner of the room, no large holes are present from what you can tell. Your dad’s not going to be home until later tonight, but you still have to remember to hide the bag full of what used to be the mirror. That and, oh, just the little thing of finding an actual mirror to replace the one you broke.

That emotional breakdown will have to wait for later though, as your hand probably should be bandaged up right about now. Going yet again underneath the sink, you grab a roll of bandages and start to wrap up your hand. It hurts… but somehow in a good way? It’s hard to describe, but it's a sort of distracting feeling, you guess. When you feel the pain, it’s all your mind can focus on. And it also offers a feeling of… something. Something that’s not nothing. And of course that doesn’t really make sense, but it also doesn’t make sense that you… like it? Just a bit.

And it’s different from when your father hits you and beats you because, hey, look. You push down into one of the deeper cuts on your hand and it stings. You’re in control of this pain. You can choose how much or how little by how hard you press and that’s just it. You’re the one in control. (You’ve gone insane, haven’t you?) 

You try and shake yourself out of your thoughts. You can think about that later. Right now you have to go into town with the little money you have of your own, and try to find the exact same mirror that you broke. Yeah. Focus on that right now, and not the fact you want to punch another mirror just to get the stinging sensation of glass digging into your bone again. Focus.

...The memory fades out, leaving you back in your peaceful state of black bliss for a few moments, but it’s not long before you’re facing yourself in the mirror once again.

The spare nail you found somewhere in your room hovers above your chest, tightly clenched in your hand. Your shirt is off along with your sweatshirt, both crumpled in the corner of the bathroom where you threw them. Dark circles line your eye sockets and you look away from the mirror in favor a looking at your fairly smooth ribcage. Yeah, a few bumps and cracks from your father and other various injuries, but other than that, it’s clean. 

Are you… really going to do this? The thought seemed so preposterous at first, but your mind just kept going back to the pain. How… good it felt? How good it felt when that mirror broke and embedded itself into your hand. And well. You’re obviously messed up in the head, your father even said that right to your face. You’re not normal. You’re wrong. So, it’s a deserved pain like your father’s beatings, but one you can control as well. 

You take a deep breath. Looks like you’re doing this. You gently press the tip of the nail into the bone of your ribcage. You breath out, and push the nail as deep as you willing to go right now, and drag it across your chest. It… hurts, yes, but not as much as you expected. You pick a clean spot and do it once more, and again, and again, each time willing yourself a little harder, a little deeper.

It feels good, well not good, but it’s nice, as much as you hate to admit it. You have to stop though, because your hands are shaking to much to hold the nail still because of your excitement and anxiety over what you just did.

You place the nail down on the sink, and take a moment to survey the damage. Scratches, that’s really all they are, line a small area of bone along your ribcage. It’s not much, really, but it helped. And maybe next time you’ll be able to dig deeper.

...Blackness covers you vision yet again until you’re facing that damned mirror once more.

You’re looking… worse for wear. The circles around your eyes are even bigger and darker than the last memory, and with your shirt off once again, you can see the surplus of grooves that now mark your chest.

By now, you’ve grown used to this. Each time going a little further, a little deeper. It certainly doesn’t help that your HP is lower than is used to be; you’ve almost fainted a few times by losing too much. 

But it’s like an addiction, no, it is an addiction. But by now you’ve grown so used to it, so used to wanting it and doing it, that it would be alien to not act on your urges. That and the simple fact: you deserve it. First off, you can’t even please your own father, so much so that he has to resort to measures he shouldn’t have to go to. Every mistake you make earns a punishment that’s definitely deserved, but the problem with you is that you make too many mistakes. You’re just punishing yourself for the ones your father won’t. Like when you fail to protect Papyrus, who could never do anything wrong, from your father’s cruelty.

So, you cope. Cope in a way you know is completely unhealthy and nonsensical, but hey, it’s helping you. And you don’t really care if it’s dangerous and will lead to problems later in life, because you don’t care about later in life. You can’t see yourself later in life. The only thing you’re good for is protecting Papyrus, even though you fail at that most of the time, but you try. And once Papyrus grows up and is able to leave your father and become independant, your life really doesn’t have a value. Doesn’t have a purpose.

And doing this is the easy way out, but it doesn’t really matter in the long run because you don’t matter. 

You feel another sting as once again you swipe the nail across your chest.


	44. Accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha... funny story. i got sick again with a cold the week after i was sick the first time. why do i have such a weak immune system???
> 
> anyways, i post updates on my tumblr so if you really care when that updates you could check it out (shameless self plug lol)
> 
> also, friday??? that's actually so much of a better day for me to post on, so if nobody minds i would like to change the update day to friday. i know i've been pretty bad with update dates and stuff the last couple months, but i think having the update day on friday would help me keep it pretty constant.
> 
> (also sorry if this chapter is mayyybe a little ooc, although i did try to have reasoning im not sure if its too out of character.)

Your eyes open. For real this time, you’re pretty sure. No mirror, no bathroom, just a yellow ceiling. Wait, yellow? 

Where are you? Are you sure it isn’t cream, it’s close enough to be cream, maybe your eyes are still adjusting? Are you back?! Back there?! It’s not navy blue, not the surface! Where are you?

“S-sans, calm d-down! it’s okay!”

...Alphys?

You try and turn your head to look at her, but find you can’t move. Not like you’re restrained, but like your head's too heavy, too sunken into the deep mattress you’re resting upon. Apparently sensing this, Alphys’ head peeks over you and into your line of sight. She looks nervous, and fumbles her words a bit before actually getting out a sentence.

“I… Are you-...Do- do you remember w-what happened? Are y-you okay?”

You chose to answer the latter. “y-” You cough, choking on your words. “y-yeah.” You try again, successfully this time.

Your metaphorical heart is still beating rapidly in your chest, and you have a feeling you would be shaking if not for feeling so heavy, but other than that you’re okay. Probably. Depends on what happens next.

“w-where are we?” You ask, voice still rough and adjusting to waking up.

“M-my room.” Alphys takes a nervous glance to the side before looking straight at you once more. “Sans, d-do you remember what h-happened?”

The tone in her voice is urgent, and it seems as if there’s no avoiding this question. You can even move, much less be cognitive enough to come up with a believable lie to get out of the situation. “um…” You do the next best thing your half-asleep mind can think of. You stall. “i mean…”

Alphys immediately looks panicked and you begin to regret your decision slightly. “Oh my god.” She mutters to herself, “Oh my god, you m-might have c-caused brain damage o-or s-something and I- I c-can’t fix t-this n-now it’s too l-late! I t-thought I… I thought I… Oh m-my god. O-oh my-”

Before she dives any further into thinking she caused something irreversible, you interrupt. “alphys.” She’s left your vision and is off somewhere else in the room, still incoherently speaking. You say her name a bit louder. “alphys. alph.” This gets her attention and she comes back over to you.

You put all your effort into making the best attempt you can to sit up, but really only manage to prop your head up on the pillow behind you. “i…” You sigh, your voice getting softer, “i remember. sorry.” You divert your eyes.

Alphys lets out a breath, “Oh thank god.” She tries to regain her composure, but you can see that she’s still very on edge. “Y-yeah…” She gives a nervous chuckle, “So… um…” She looks lost in the conversation for a moment before giving you a look that expresses a mental facepalm. “Oh. R-right! ...Do you f-feel okay? Like any m-memory loss t-that you recognize, or does anything h-hurt?”

“not that i think of now. i feel… tired?”

“Yeah…” another nervous chuckle that you know has nothing to do with finding something funny, “T-that’s to b-be expected. Sans I-...” She cuts herself off mid sentence. “What happened?” She asks solemnly.

“it was an accident.” You answer quietly, looking as far away from Alphys as you can. “i swear.”

“An a-accident?!” Alphys looks at you with disbelief. “Sans, come o-on. Please d-don’t lie.”

“i- i didn’t read the label and… and…” And? And what? You did on some level do this on purpose, didn’t you? You had to have subconsciously wanted this, right?

“Sans, please, w-we both know t-that’s a bad excuse. You’re lucky I w-was the only one h-home.”

You want to question her about that last fact, but find yourself to drained to reply. Alphys, however, doesn’t have that problem.

“Sans! I c-care about you! W-we all do! So i’m sorry, b-but don’t g-give me that, ‘I didn’t read the label’ excuse! You d-don’t just overdose on sleeping pills on accident!”

And wow. Hearing that said out loud. That just makes you feel like the crappiest person. But Alphys isn’t done yet, had you been more awake you would’ve known to blame it on stress or the like, but now you just feel yourself slipping closer to sleep by the second. And you just stare at her.

“I’m sorry I c-care, okay? I’m sorry! B-but you can’t keep doing this to us! To me! D-do you even c-care how I feel? D-do I not matter to you that m-much?” Her voice breaks. “W-why would you do this a-again! Y-you know how m-much it hurt the first time, d-don’t you?! W-why would y-you do this!”

Alphys looks flustered and red in the face, breathing deeply to catch up on missed breathes from yelling. You open your mouth to say something, but no words come out.

“W-what, another excuse?!” She spits with a venom you didn’t know she had. And it hurts. You know she probably doesn’t mean it, but that doesn’t lessen the blow. 

Either Alphys doesn’t see the hurt in your face or chooses not to care, to caught up in her misdirected anger. “T-that’s what I thought.” She begins pacing around the room, each time she takes a step you hear the floor creak under her from how hard she’s stomping.

“alphys... i...i’m-” You feel yourself falling asleep.

“Sorry?” She finishes your sentence. “W-well… It’s t-too late for that! You c-could’ve died! You w-were so, so close to d-dying! How selfish could you be!”

And you know the anger really isn’t at you, it’s at the ‘situation’ as Papyrus would put it. But you’re confused and tired, and really don’t know how to handle this situation right now so you take a deep breath and shout the only thing you can think of. “it was an accident!” 

And that one sentence literally takes the breath out of you so much that the last thing you see in your fading vision before it goes completely black is Alphys’ shocked face.

She stands frozen in the corner of the room, staring at your sleeping body, words dead on her lips. Eventually she makes her way slowly over to you, brushing her hand lightly across your face before reaching over to pull the blankets over you.

She stares at you for another long moment before whispering “I’m sorry” to deaf ears. A single tear makes its way down her face as she whispers once more, “I just don’t want to lose you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO JUST WANT TO SAY THIS FIC IS ALMOST 1000 KUDOS THAT IS MEGA SUPER INSANE!!!


	45. Mad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD WE REACHED 1000 KUDOS THAT'S AMAZING!!!! 
> 
> to be honest i can believe 1000 people have taken the time to read this, let alone hit the kudos button. this is truly amazing, i know i say this all the time, but i can't believe people actually like my work!
> 
> Anyways! Have this chapter!  
> (it might be bad because i was tired when i wrote it but who knows)

When you wake up, you’re greeted to a pounding headache, not aided by the shining lights above your head. You close your eyes, and utter a weak word to whoever might be in the room.

“c-can someone turn the lights off?”

You wait a few moments in silence before ultimately deciding that in fact, no one is in the room with you, and you’re going to have to do this by yourself.

You groan as you try and sit up, partly in pain, and partly in frustration with yourself. How could you- Nope. Right now you need to repress and forget the crushing guilt you feel when remember the past days(?) events. At least until you find out what the heck is going on, and why you’re still in Alphys’s room.

Once you’re sitting up, you have a clear view of the window to the front yard of the house, giving you a guess at the time of day it is. It looks like either the sun just finished rising or is about to set. Given the activity present from neighbors on your street, parents mowing the lawn and children playing in the grass, you can safely assume it’s the morning.

Deciding you should probably start to head downstairs to see what everyone’s up to, and of course learn how long you were out for and what happened, you place your hands on the bedside table and begin to push yourself out of the bed.

As your feet hit the floor, you take a moment to stabilize yourself before testing your balance. Once feel like you could walk without falling straight onto your face, you take a few steps before stopping in the middle of the room.

The realization hits you hard. It’s not only about what effect this ‘attempt’ would have on your family, it’s also the fact you actually could have died. You could have really died. And you’re scared by the fact that you wouldn't mind that, but you also find some solace in the fact that you’re scared. You’re scared that you want to die. You’re scared of the effect it will have on people. You’re scared, and even though it doesn’t seem like a good thing, it’s better than overwhelming apathy that you’ve experienced in the face of death.

You shudder even though the room you’re in is hot. Your hands shake slightly, and you go to shove them into your hoodie pockets before realizing your hoodie isn’t on. Alphys, or maybe even someone else who came into the room, must have taken it off.

You look at the scars on your wrists. The ugly deep scars on your wrist that you hate but at the same time love. It’s disgusting and pathetic.

Taking a deep breath, you remind yourself, let it go for now. Go downstairs. Figure out what happened. Then you can break down once you know you’re alone. It’s almost like a mental checklist of things to do.

So you do that. You go downstairs and come across everyone just finishing up breakfast in the kitchen.

“hey” You saying, turning everyone’s attention to you.

“OH SANS! YOU’RE UP!” Papyrus gives you a smile, “HOW DID YOU SLEEP? I’M SURE ALPHYS TOLD YOU THAT THE REST OF US WENT OUT YESTERDAY MORNING?” You nod, even though you had no idea, “WELL I HOPE YOU HAD A FUN DAY YESTERDAY! ALPHYS WAS JUST TELLING ME ABOUT HOW YOU GUYS BASICALLY WATCHED ANIME ALL DAY YESTERDAY…” He makes a rather disgruntled face, “WHICH I NORMALLY WOULDN’T CONDONE, BUT I’M SURE YOU HAD FUN.”

You have to remember to thank Alphys later for this. Even though she was mad at you, she still didn’t tell anyone.

You glance over at Alphys for a split second and she gives you a nervous smile. “yeah, we had a ton of fun.” You reply, lying straight through your teeth, and just to make sure no one suspects anyone, you add a pun for good measure, “a skele _ ton _ .”

“AUGHHH! IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SANS!” Papyrus almost screams, and you feel a pang of pain in your skull, which was already aching.

“heh heh, sorry paps.” You say, very obviously not sorry.

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Toriel starts, “but I was wondering if everyone was done? I’ll take you plates.”

“OH THAT REMINDS ME!” Papyrus says, turning to you, “WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BREAKFAST? WE HAD WAFFLES!”

And you then realize how hungry you are, but you don’t really think you’d be able to stomach anything due to the previous events. “nah, i’ll have something a little later. like brunch or something, that’s what it’s called, right?”

“OH, OKAY.” He looks downtrodden for a moment, and you feel bad for refusing his cooking.

Everyone except you, Alphys and Papyrus has or is about to leave the room to get ready for the day. Toriel is the last out after putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and Frisk heads upstairs with her, offering a small wave as they leave.

“SO SANS.” Papyrus starts, and you’re slightly upset by the seriousness in his tone. “I’M GLAD YOU GOT A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP THE LAST FEW NIGHTS. I KNEW YOU WERE GETTING BETTER!”

You force a laugh and try and change the subject. “hey Papyrus, mind if I meet you upstairs in a few minutes? i just need to talk to Alphys about the the scenes i missed in the anime we were watching, cause i sorta fell asleep.”

You know it’s a weak excuse, but you’re feeling like the worst person in the world because of Papyrus’ last sentence. The guilt almost physically hurts.

“UGH! LAZYBONES!” He replies jokingly, “I’LL BE UPSTAIRS!”

Papyrus marches out of the kitchen with a skip in his step. You visible slouch in your seat and let out a sigh. “...thanks alph. for, ya know… not telling anyone…” You mumble.

“It w-was no problem.”

“are you…” Are you what? Mad at you still? Because she is, or at least she should be. You did something stupid. Again.

After noticing you’re not finishing your thought, Alphys prompts you. “Am I w-what?”

You take a deep breath and almost whisper your answer, speaking very quickly like a child who’s done something wrong. “are you still mad at me?”

“What?”

“... are you still mad at me?” You speak a bit clearer.

She looks at you for a second and you take that as a bad sign. “i’m sorry i know that what i did was stupid i don’t know why i did it and thank you so much for covering me but i’m just so, so sorry, i just-”

For once, Alphys is the one to cut  _ you  _ off. “Stop, It’s n-not your fault. I… I just got mad. It’s not y-your fault.” She repeats.

You let out a small sigh of relief and offer Alphys a shaky smile. “thanks.”

You still feel guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i uploaded a very short one shot not related to this story at all if anyone wants to check it out! it's called Forgotten, and its from a school journal last year


	46. Repetitive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhh don't really have much to say for this chapter except i almost forgot i had to post something today because it was friday so oops? it's still technically friday though so hah.
> 
> also im still super amazed that i have over 1000 kudos on this fic!!! that's amazing!!! i love everyone's kudos and comments, you're honestly all so kind!!!
> 
> (i hope to make the chapters longer once again, but i'm having a lot of school work recently that probably won't calm down until january next year, but i'll try upping the length)

You feel numb. Or do you just not feel at all? You wish it were the latter but it’s the former. You’re numb and tired and sad all at the same time, and you can’t do anything about it. Well… you technically can, but do you really want to do that?

The answer is yes, but for the sake of your own sanity and everyone else’s, you decide you won’t.

Plus, you’re tired, (although when aren’t you?) and you don’t want to make the effort to sit up, let alone leave your bed. It’s night anyways, and you want to sleep, but find unsurprisingly that you can’t.

It’s funny, this cycle. This cycle of feeling horrible, to feeling better, thinking you’re getting better than… Well. Then you’re back at the beginning once again. Huh. Kinda like the RESETS, you figure, and that thought alone almost makes you laugh out loud, except you don’t have the energy to. And it’s not really funny.

It’s just so… repetitive. Every time you feel as low as you can go someone comes along and cheers you up, and every time you think you have a chance, you do alright. For a while. But then something happens, or maybe nothing happens, that leaves you like you are now. If your life was a story, and what a wreck that would be, it would bore the reader with the constant repeats of events. Like a movie getting revamped multiple times, and though it’s supposed to get better, it just gets annoying. And you’re left wondering when they’re going to let the movie rest damn it, because nobody liked it the first time and making it again with only a few things changed is not going to make anyone’s opinions diverge from what they originally thought! It’s a bad movie!

But your life is not a movie, and you now kind of wish it was, because movies always have a happy ending. And you know you won’t have a happy ending no matter what. Because you will always be dragged down by your past. Because you’ll always have to deal with your repetitive mental state. Because your life is in the hands of a mere child.

Why? A question you often ask yourself, but no matter how many times you ask it, you will never get an answer. Why you? Why were you given this life? Why were you pushed to such a state mentally that you wanted to kill your father? That you actually did something worse than killing him? 

Why? Why the RESETS? Why do you have to remember? Why did your father have to give you enough damn Determination so that you would remember, but be unable to affect? Why did that flower love to mess with you, and why does the human keep RESETTING?

Why? Why do you have so many questions that will go unanswered? Why even bother asking them when no response will be given. These questions are useless, you’re useless, and yet you still have more questions! Why can’t you get better? Why can’t you try, try just a little bit harder?

Why does your mind act like a timeline stuck in a loop, even after you’ve escaped through that in actual reality?

You’re almost bored with the same thoughts you get every time you’re set back. Almost. They always manage to remind you of what you have and haven’t done, no matter how unoriginal.

You wonder if anyone feels the same way you do, not to the same extremes, but something resembling what you’re going through. You wonder is Alphys ever felt like her life was going in circles, maybe when she kept the amalgamates hidden. You wonder is Undyne ever felt like she wasn’t strong enough, like when she lost her eye. You wonder if Toriel ever felt hopelessness, like when child after child left her, only to never return. You wonder if Asgore ever felt guilty, murdering children for the sake of the Underground, no matter how much it truly affected him. You wonder if Papyrus ever felt not-so-great, maybe from a time he doesn’t remember, but maybe from a time he does. You wonder if Frisk ever felt trapped while controlled by Chara, and you even wonder if Chara felt trapped as a ghost controlled by Frisk. You wonder if you’re not alone in these feelings, and you wonder how everyone but you was able to overcome.

But, maybe… maybe you’re downplaying everyone’s issues to make your own seem more important. Like how Alphys still gets nervous when someone mentions Flowey, or when Undyne grows uncomfortable if anyone mentions someone being weak because of a disability. When Toriel still mourns over the loss of children she knew so well but barely at all, and how Asgore separately cries over the same children that he didn’t even know the names of. And when Papyrus ever looks sad or upset over something that he claims isn’t a big deal, like someone disliking his cooking, but you know it is a big deal to him. When Frisk has nightmares of you in a golden corridor, and you can only assume that Chara is haunted by those images as well.

And it makes you feel even more guilty, you must admit. You put your issues as top priority, almost as if you want to be depressed. Want to hate every moment living. Want to die constantly. But… you don’t want that, do you? You honestly can’t tell whether you hate yourself so much that you think you deserve these horrible thoughts, or you’re just an attention seeking baby, and that scares you. You’re not faking it, right? 

No, no, no, you’re not. Nobody would want to be like this, that much is obvious. So why do you feel like you’re faking? You know you’re not. You think you’re not. You don’t know anymore.

You finally find enough energy to move, if only to push your hands against your skull for the coming headache. You’re just… tired. You’ll think about this in the morning, right? When you have a clear mind? You have a feeling that your thoughts won’t change, but… 

You want to get better. You do. And you know you say it every time you hit this low, every time you’re back to the starting point. And that makes it seem a little less legitimate, because if you really want to get better that badly, you’ve had enough tries to.

But, hey. Nth time’s the charm, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just had a mini heart attack while posting this chapter because the song "Can You Really Call This a Hotel, I didn't Receive a Mint On My Pillow Or Anything" randomly started playing and i swear there's a ghost on my computer.
> 
> also it was dead silent before that so i literally flinched


	47. Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry if this chapter isn't good, i just started a new antidepressant last week, and it making me sooo tired and i don't know why lol
> 
> that's all really, as always, comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> also there's another really really short one shot that i uploaded called 'Buttercups' if you want to check it out

It’s just one of those days, you tell yourself, but days turn into weeks and you’re left wondering if this cycle is as repetitive as you thought it was, or if you’re just stuck at the bottom. You suppose it doesn't matter.

It's late at night now, well what someone normally would consider late, around eleven. Papyrus and Frisk had already went to bed a while back, and Toriel and Asgore followed suit soon after. Alphys, Undyne, and you were the only ones left downstairs, unsurprisingly finishing up an episode of anime.

“Alright dweebs!” Undyne says, overly enthusiastic for the late hour, “I'm going to bed. I promised Papyrus that i'd do some sparring with him tomorrow.” She lets out a big yawn, exposing her menacing teeth, and also proving that she is in fact tired, though she may not sound it. “You coming up with me Alph?”

“N-nah I think i'm going to w-watch another episode or two… heh heh. I really want t-to see the finale!” Alphys responds, and Undyne gives a tired thumbs up.

“Okay. Cool. But you gotta promise me you'll rewatch it when i'm more awake. That shit’s gonna be crazy!” She leans over from where she's standing and gives Alphys a peck on the cheek, causing said monster to blush lightly. “Night babe.” The blush increases. “Night Sans.”

You hear her footsteps slowly fade away as Undyne climbs the stairs, in the silence of Alphys setting up the next episode.

“Well, uh, I g-guess now’s a good a t-time as any…” She starts suddenly, still hitting buttons on the remote, “H-how do you think the antidepressants are w-working? It's b-been long enough that t-the effect should have k-kicked in.”

You take a breath and let out a sigh. “eh.” You say simply and quietly, “s’not really any different i guess. i don't know.” Great answer.

“Well… we could try something else, m-maybe? I’ll try and g-get you a new prescription t-tomorrow. If you're up f-for it of course.”

“sure.”

Alphys seems to notice you're in a mood, and puts the remote aside, completely abandoning her search on the tv. “Sans. W-what's wrong?”

“nothing, nothing is wrong.” You respond, and it's an honest response. Nothing is wrong. You feel like crap, but that's normal, and nothing out of the ordinary happened, so really, nothing is wrong.

Alphys looks at you for a moment. “Well… how are you feeling?”

How are you feeling? Honestly, you haven't felt much of anything recently. You're just tired. Tired and sad and guilty, but really more numb than anything. “i’m not.”

Apparently, and obviously, that's not the right thing to say, and you see Alphys start to freak out a bit. So you ‘correct’ yourself. “i mean, like it's just one of those days,” weeks, “ya know? i guess i'm just tired,” exhausted, “but i can't really sleep.” nightmares.

Alphys seems to understand though, and she gives you a pitying look that you hate but also appreciate. “Y-yeah…”

You both sit in silence now, tv long forgotten. Surprisingly, this time, you're the one who breaks it. “you ever just want to forget something?”

A look of recognition flashes over Alphys’ face. “All the time.” She looks worried for a moment now, “But… I d-don't think that anything s-should actually be forgotten.” She whispers to herself, but purposely loud enough so you can hear it, “Boy this is going to seem really lame.” Before saying “L-look. I know t-this is cheesy, b-but we learn from our m-mistakes. I've made mistakes, you've made m-mistakes. In fact, everyone in this h-house has made mistakes.” She pauses in thought for a brief moment. “Maybe not Papyrus.” She adds with a small laugh, “But t-that's because he's Papyrus.” She takes a moment to recollect herself, “But that's b-besides the point I was t-trying to make. Everyone m-makes mistakes. And no m-matter how bad, or how t-traumatizing they may be, I f-feel as though t-there can always b-be something learned from them. “I guess… you c-can't really help feeling guilty if… well… you're like us. And t-that feeling might n-never go away. But… you just have to have Determination, as much as I hate t-to say it.”

The irony is strong there, but you appreciate the sentiment. She's right, you just need to be determined to get through your problems, and you know that all too well in the respects of a certain child. And it's funny that the Determination, the thing that caused you all the pain in the first place, is possibly the thing to help you.

You don't say anything to Alphys, but offer a nod in response. You don't really feel like talking right now. Not that you don't like talking with Alphys, but sometimes you just want to listen instead of speak. Besides, this wasn't really a conversation you were expecting.

Alphys seems to get that, as she picks up the remote once more and hits the play button for the second to last episode of the season you're watching. The intro blares loudly, a sharp contrast to the silence only moments before. You look over at Alphys, who has a sort of blank expression on her face, but once she catches you staring, she offers a small smile.

You give her one back, albeit strained a small amount, but still semi-genuine. 

The episode goes on for about half an hour, and you don't really watch it, but Alphys seems to be enjoying herself. That's one of the things you're actually happy to be on the surface for. Alphys and everyone else has access to things of rarity in the Underground, like current products, and in this case, anime.

By the time the episode finishes, your left in silence again, but nobody talks this time. Alphys blinks blearily, obviously tired, but too engrossed in the episode to go to sleep. You have half a mind to convince her to go to bed, but figure you're not really one to talk.

The loud title scene blares in once again, and despite the constant on screen action of the finale, you see Alphys nodding off in the corner of your eye, about fifteen minutes into the episode. 

You feel yourself begin to do the same, and even though you're on the couch and more exposed if you have a nightmare, (which is a distinct possibility) you find yourself too tired to care before slowly drifting off into sleep.


	48. Spectator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so so so sooo sorry i didn't post this yesterday! i got so many comments from you guys and i felt so bad, but i was just so busy! i really hate to do that to everyone, but i'm flattered you all like this so much!
> 
> also??? this chapter might seem really rushed??? im sorry as i said i was super busy and stuff and didn't really have time to write, but i wanted to make sure i got a chapter out!
> 
> anyways, yeah, i'm super duper sorry but have this chapter now and i'll post on time next week :)

You see dust. Dust covering the floor. Dust on your dresser. Dust on your bed. You look down at yourself. You’re… not there? Nothing enters your vision except the dust covered floor beneath your feet- well, if you had feet you suppose.

You look around. It’s the room on the surface. Your room on the surface. Your bed covered in dust. Your dust. You hear a knock on the door. Nobody answers. There is nobody to answer.

A small head peeks in as the door creeks open. A child wearing a striped jumper walks in, takes one look at your bed, and gasps. Tears prickle at the corner of their eyes as they walk closer.

“Sans…” You hear them say, voice quiet and broken. “I’m-” They hiccup, now full on sobbing, “I’m sorry!”

They collapse on the floor, and curl in on themselves, whole body shaking with the force of them crying. You’re forced to watch this scene unfold, unable to comfort the child, for what seems like a very long time. 

You’re a spectator. No body, no voice, yet you still can see. It hurts.

Eventually, their tears run dry, and they look up, seemingly at nothing. 

“I’m sorry” They say, “I’m sorry for this.” They look directly at your dust, as if you can hear them. “I have to.”

The world RESETS.

…

You’re back in the room. Dust still everywhere. Another knock sounds at the door, but louder. Firmer. Like a different person. “SANS!”

More knocking. “SANS ARE YOU IN THERE?”

You want to answer, say you’re there, nothing is wrong. But you can’t. And your brother opens the door.

“S-sans…” He stares at your dust covered bed. 

“Brother…” He walks over.

You see tears trail down his face already, as he leans over your bed and practically lays in your dust. “I’m sorry…” He whispers, so quietly you can barely hear, “I’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so, so, sorry I couldn’t help you…”

His head is down, and he’s trying to grasp the dust in his hands, trying to hold onto you as if you were there. But you are not there, only your remains, and the dust trails through his fingers.

It pains you beyond what words can describe to see this. Even though you have no body, you can still feel it deep within your soul, burning. Painfully. Like an eternal flame. And you watch your brother, for you can’t look away. You watch your brother mourning. Mourning you. And no one is there to console him, no one is there to dry his tears and tell him that everything’s going to be alright. Because that was your job, your responsibility as the older brother. And you failed him.

You have to imagine that this is what true pain feels like. Not the times you’ve literally died, not the times you’ve dug into yourself. No. This is… Indescribable. The feeling that you’ve caused the most precious thing in the world, your own brother… To cry, and mourn, and loss hope, over you.

“S-sans…”

…

You’re thankfully torn away from the previous scene, but you still have the memories. You’re again in your empty room.

This time, nobody knocks, but the door slowly swings open. 

A child walks in. They have curly short-cropped red hair, which curls around the edges of their face. Said face is covered in freckles, which completely envelope the bridge of their nose. Their sleeves are rolled up on their green and yellow sweater, and their hands are clasped behind their back, hiding something. What you really see though, is their eyes. Dark crimson irises.

They only spare one glance at the dust, before looking at you. Directly at you, apparently not invisible to them.

“Greetings.” They say in a voice you don’t recognize, but a tone you definitely do. “How are you doing Sans?”

You don't respond, firstly because you're not able to, but secondly… you don't want to.

They seem to know that though, and they keep talking as though they weren't even expecting an answer to their question. “Seems this whole ‘killing yourself for the greater good’ thing, doesn't really work out in the end, huh?” 

And the way they say it, the way they stare at you as they utter those words. They almost sound sympathetic. No, empathetic, like they know what you're going through.

“But you already know my story. Monsters, humans, yada yada yada. I died. And then, I was forced to come back.” 

The look at you, eyes filled with Determination, as they show the object they held hidden, bringing their arms forward.

It's a singular flower. A buttercup. Pinched between two fingers on a bandaged hand. Your eyes trail up their arm, and you see various brightly colored bandages covering scars that peek slightly underneath. 

And then suddenly, they do something surprising. Well, maybe not so surprising if you think about it. They pluck a petal off and shove it in their mouth.

“It's too late for me. Obviously. But… this is your story, not mine. And…” They sigh, and then give you a smile that looks so nice on their face, and you realize that you've never seen this kid really smile, “And you better not mess it up, okay? Cause to put it in your cheesy words, there's someone out there that cares about you. Okay? So… take care of mom and dad for me. And Frisk, and Alphys and Undyne and Papyrus.”

They walk over to your bed, and place the flower with three remaining petals on your dust.

“I know you don't know me, and I don't know you.” They face where you are once again, “But… I feel like we're pretty alike, you and I.”

They turn their back towards you and walk towards the door. They almost take the last step out before peeling their head round to look at you. “But who knows. Maybe i’m not like you at all. Maybe i’m just a conjuring from a dream that you came up with to cope.” They shrug, then laugh. It sounds sweet and real. “But I think you should wake up.”


	49. Bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! it’s been a year since i’ve started this fic! i just have to say that i never expected it to get to the length it did, or get as much support as it did. this whole thing has really helped me improve my writing and meet awesome new people!
> 
> also, haha... sorry that i haven’t posted over the last couple of weeks. if you want there’s a brief explanation on the tumblr for this, but basically i had many performances and with the holiday season coming up everything was r e a l l y hectic. so basically i’ll be back to regular updates now!
> 
> just want to keep this short because i’m sure you’d rather hear the story than listen to me ramble, but writing this has been an amazing experience. i can’t believe it’s been a year. a year! and i have over 1000 kudos and so many lovely comments from everyone! this has been so great, and i look forward to writing this till the end!

You don’t scream. You don’t spring up. You don’t start hyperventilating. All you do is open your eyes, and look at the ceiling above you. You sit there for a moment, staring up at the bland ceiling of the tv room, taking deep, even breaths. It’s peaceful almost, until a loud voice shouts, “OH SANS YOU’RE AWAKE!”  
  
Someone stirs next to you on the couch, obviously having been sleeping before that rude awakening.

“OH, SORRY ALPHYS…” Papyrus says sheepishly, “I JUST SAW THAT SANS WAS AWAKE! FINALLY, LAZYBONES, IT’S ALMOST TEN!”

“paps... you do realize that’s early for me.” Alphys just groans next to you.

“WELL! YES! BUT, I HAD TO MAKE BREAKFAST ESPECIALLY QUIET! SO YOU WOULDN’T WAKE UP BECAUSE YOU BOTH FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.” He gives you a faux stern look, “YOU SHOULD COME UP AND SLEEP IN YOUR BED NEXT TIME.”

You playfully retort, “my bed? but the couch is so much more comfy ya know? right alph?” Her response is to stare at you with lidded eyes and a poker face. “see?”

“SANS!” He huffs, “SAVE YOUR SHENANIGANS FOR LATER! IT’S TIME FOR BOTH OF YOU TO HAVE BREAKFAST! AND AFTER YOU FINISH WE’RE HEADING OUT.”

“to... uh.... where?”

“WELL SINCE WE’RE NOT UNDERGROUND ANYMORE I FIGURED NOW WOULD BE AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO GET NEW GYFTMAS DECORATIONS. TORIEL SAID I’M IN CHARGE OF DECORATING THE HOUSE!” He gleams with a sense of pride, “AND FRISK ALSO WANTS TO COME WITH US TO GET OUR FESTIVE DECORATIONS BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO BE OUR FIRST GYFTMAS AS A FAMILY TOGETHER.” Huh. A family.

Papyrus adds as an afterthought, “THEY DID MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT A CHRIS...MAS? LIKE THE MAS OF CHRIS??? BUT I DON’T KNOW A CHRIS, DO YOU KNOW SOMEBODY NAMED CHRIS SANS?” You shrug. “WELL NEVERMIND THEN! ALPHYS I WOULD ASK YOU TO COME WITH US, BUT I BELIEVE YOU AND UNDYNE ARE IN CHARGE OF GETTING THE TREE.”

“K. Cool.” Alphys mumbles, still looking half asleep.

“um, Papyrus? ain’t it a little early to be starting to celebrate Gyftmas? don’t we always start decorating on the first?” You ask hesitantly.

It’s not like you forget your Gyftmas traditions with Papyrus, but… It’s been so long since you’ve celebrated. Yes, technically it’s been less than a year, but the kid fell right after Gyftmas had ended. The decorations were still up and everything. So it’s… it’s been a while.

Papyrus shoots you a look that is just pure disbelief. “SANS!? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!? HAVE YOU NOT BEEN USING THAT CALENDAR I GOT YOU?”

You try and remember what day you marked off the calendar yesterday. Now that Papyrus mentions it, you’re kind of surprised you didn’t freak out when you didn’t immediately see the calendar as you woke up. “...is today the first?”

“NYEH HEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE IT IS!” He scoops you up from off the couch, and carries you into the kitchen, placing you lightly in front of a plate of waffles.

Alphys drags herself into the room and sits down at the table besides you. Everyone else seems to have finished eating already.

You look at your plate and can’t help but really smile. There’s three mini waffles on your plate, and each one has a whipped cream smiley face, same with Alphys’. Papyrus sure is something.

You eat two, not really hungry having just gotten up, but you enjoy them nevertheless, and afterwards you excuse yourself t go get ready, as does Alphys. Papyrus stays in the kitchen and tells you to get Frisk and come meet him downstairs when you’re ready.

You get ready, and by that you mean you put a sweatshirt over the tshirt you slept in, and you wash up. As you go to get Frisk from their room, yo find them ready and waiting in the hallway right outside their door. They’re dressed in a sweater, as per usual, but it’s brown and green, and they have a matching homemade looking scarf.

You hold out your hand to their mittened one and you say, “is it blizzarding outside or somethin’?”

They giggle and sign, ‘Mom made me wear all this. It’s also supposed to snow later.’ Before taking your hand and you both walk downstairs.

Before you can even wonder why Papyrus isn’t inside, he shouts, muffled by the wall, “SANS! HUMAN FRISK! I AM OUTSIDE BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD APPRECIATE ME WARMING THE CAR UP! I AM READY TO GO NOW THOUGH!”

The car ride is pretty fun honestly. Frisk tells you about this “Chris-mas”, which actually is called Christmas, and how it’s basically the same thing Gyftmas is. Same month, same traditions, the only thing different is apparently the religious undertones the holiday apparently has on the surface. But the kid tells you it’s not really about that stuff, and more the holiday spirit.

Papyrus asks them if they celebrated Christmas before. You’re surprised the kid actually answers, as they’ve been so hesitant in talking about their life before falling.

“I celebrate Hanukkah.” They say out loud.

“han-oo-ka? how’s it spelled?”

They switch back to signing, and you translate what they say to Papyrus, since he’s driving.

‘Well…' They laugh, 'You can spell it H-A-N-U-K-K-A-H, or C-H-A-N-U-K-A-H…'

You interrupt them. “cha-noo-ka?”

They shake their head. ‘It’s pronounced the same.’ “Hanukkah.” They say clearly.

“so why is it spelled like that?”

‘Well it’s also spelt like…’

You learned many things about Hanukkah that car ride.

Papyrus promises Frisk if there is this thing they call a menorah at the store, he’ll get it and the family will celebrate Hanukkah with them.

The family. It’s a weird term. You’re… family. Yeah. It’s been almost a year on the surface, living with your family. The kid hasn’t RESET yet, and for once, you think, things are actually looking up.

_“Sans, open your gift.” Your father says._

_The package is layed in front of you, neatly wrapped in red wrapping paper. Well, not exactly neatly, but you know your dad tried. Well ‘Santa’ tried, although both you and your dad only say that for the sake of Papyrus._

_Said monster is hugging multiple stuffed animals, surrounded in wrapping paper of all different colors from his surplus of presents strewn around him. He smiling, contently, and you can’t help but smile back at him. He’s so cute. Only three and a half years old, but still able to bring a smile to both you and your dad’s faces._

_Papyrus has finished opening up his gifts, eager as always, and you were nearly done, just the one present in front of you left. Unlike your brother, you carefully tear the wrapping off, starting at the bottom so you don’t immediately see what’s inside._

_You throw the wrapping to the side, and flip the box that you have over. It’s…_

_You grab your father and hug him tightly, and he hugs you back. He got you a telescope. And not just some junky one thrown together from spare parts. This looks professional, like something from the surface almost. Your father’s really great at building stuff. Your father's really great._

_“thank you thank you thank you thank you!” You say, almost squealing because of how excited you are. You think the rocks in waterfall look cool from a distance? Wait till you see them up close! It’s going to be incredible!_

_Your father smiles gently at you as you pull out of the hug. “I guess it’s time for dinner?”_

_He looks like he’s about to stand up, but you stop him by shouting “wait!” and excitedly running upstairs to your room._

_You go under Papyrus’ bed and grab the present that you both made for dad. Well mostly you made it, but again, Papyrus is only three._

_“wait!” You shout again as you run down the stairs, almost tripping over yourself._

_“Be careful!” Your father says nervously, but you pay him no mind, and race over to put the package on the floor in front of him._

_It looks hastily wrapped, messily covered in brown paper. It’s too bad you couldn’t find where dad keeps the wrapping paper, because he hides it from Papyrus and you couldn’t ask him where it was, as that would ruin the surprise._

_Your dad looks taken aback. “Is this… for me?”_

_You nod vigorously._

_He smiles at you again, and you can’t contain yourself, and give him a very wide smile back. Even Papyrus has abandoned his toys now, crawling over to where you’re at. He looks expectantly at dad. “OPEN IT! OPEN IT!” He chants, waving his arms in the air and giggling._

_“Well, alright.” Your father says, obviously flustered having not been expecting a present._

_He carefully tears at the wrapping like you did, except maybe a bit more careful. He places the paper aside and grabs the white box contained inside. He stares at it a moment, and then opens the lid._

_“Sans. Papyrus.” You nervously wait in anticipation at his words. “I love it.”_

_He pulls both you and Papyrus into a big hug, and you stay there for a long time before he breaks it, saying that he’s got to hang it up on the fridge._

_“Now go sit at the table, I’ll be right there.”_

_You grab Papyrus in your arms and go into the kitchen, placing him in his high chair that he sure to outgrow soon. You sit in an adult seat next to him, and your father soon returns with food and places it all on the table, a real feast. You all dig into your Gyftmas dinner, and in the corner of your eyes you see the fridge, with your gift on it._

_A small magnet holds in place a poorly drawn picture of three smiling people._


	50. Presents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy this was not supposed to come out so late.
> 
> anyways, yeah. december was one heck of a month. forgive me, but literally my life was so stressful i barely had a moment of free time, let alone enough time to sit down and write.
> 
> so yeah! im back! i guess!
> 
> have this chapter! chapter 50 woo!!!

It’s Gyftmas _and_ Hanukkah, and you suppose Christmas as well, but none of you are even celebrating it. By some great coincidence, as Frisk pointed out, the last day of Hanukkah fell on the same day as Gyftmas. Apparently the dates for Hanukkah change every year? That’s what Frisk said anyways, though you don’t really get how the date for a holiday could change, but you’ll maybe be able to find out next year when-

Next year? It’s funny how when you’re just thinking about it now, it doesn’t seem like such a strange thought. Like something a normal person would think. But next year? What would be not one, but almost two years on the surface?

You really don’t know if that’s going to happen, or if it will be RESET.

You suppose it doesn’t matter. Well, you had supposed it didn’t matter. But… as much as you hate to admit it, for fear of attachment, this time on the surface has been… better than other times. Not just because it’s the longest you’ve been up here, but that’s maybe a helping part of it.

It’s strange… but not a bad strange you presume, and you look towards the rest of the family as you try and stifle a yawn. Frisk woke everybody up at 6:30 a.m., which you’re not particularly fond of, but then again it is Gyftmas. Everyone’s gathered in front of the Gyftmas tree that you all decorated, and a small side table is next to it, with a menorah set up for lighting later tonight.

The presents are clearly divided into small piles for each person, Frisk obviously having the biggest pile, but Papyrus not far behind. Seems ‘Santa’ really went all out this year. You can clearly see what presents were from Toriel, neatly wrapped and tied with ribbons, color coded to each person. The few presents you got (because let’s be honest, you’re not the type of person to really go all out on anything) are messily wrapped with copious amounts of tape sticking off it. Hey. You tried. A little bit.

The rest are kinda hard to guess, but from judging from your own present pile, stacked with a whopping total of three gifts, Alphys and Undyne both shared a present (which was wrapped in such a way that you’re 100% sure Undyne did it), and and Asgore got you one as well. Toriel seems to have given you a gift, although the kid probably ‘shared’ it with her. You don’t have a gift from Papyrus, as you can tell because his wrapping skills are very… ahem. Unique. But, you do deserve that, since he’s already done so much more than he should have for you.

Frisk is quite literally tearing through their presents, but not quick enough that they don’t say thank you to ‘Santa’ after each one. You’re pretty sure that they know that Santa isn't real, celebrating Hanukkah and all, but they play along and keep the act up for Papyrus as well.

Everyone else starts to open their presents now, Undyne and Alphys both blushing when they find out they both got each other bathing suits. Asgore holds a brand new, very fancy, tea set in his paws, and Toriel says she has no idea who actually got it for him, and although she won’t admit it, Asgore gives her a knowing, yet thankful, smile. Toriel in return opens her present from Asgore, a large cookbook from the surface, and new culinary tools. You look over at Papyrus, who has already gone through a large amount of presents, and is about to open another one you had gotten him.

“WOWIE! I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE, HAVE YOU SANS?” He holds up a brightly colored action figure to your face. “wow,  haven’t seen that one yet. looks super cool. like you pap.

He blushes slightly, not having expected the compliment, but regains himself quickly. “BUT OF COURSE! ONLY THE COOLEST ACTION FIGURES FOR THE COOLEST SKELETON!” He quickly adds, “BUT OF COURSE YOU ARE WELCOME TO PLAY WITH THEM TOO, FOR YOU ALSO ARE A ‘COOL SKELETON’. NYEH!”

“aww thanks pap.” You reply, knowing that never in a million years with you ever play with his actions figures unless he wants you to. Not really your thing.

“SANS!” Papyrus practically whines after he cleans up the wrapping from the last present, “WHY HAVEN’T YOU OPENED ANY OF YOUR PRESENTS YET! SANTA CAME FOR YOU THIS TIME!”

“just waiting for the right time.” You hold up the present that looks to be from Toriel. “what do you think it is?” You shake the present a small bit.

“SANS! DON’T SHAKE IT! WHAT IF IT’S SOMETHING BREAKABLE?!”

Frisk catches your attention, ‘Yeah, Sans, you never know. Got to be careful with your presents.’

You let out a long dramatic sigh. “fine, fine. alright, let’s open this thing up.”

You hold the present in your hands, it’s only a small rectangular shaped thing that’s pretty light. You really doubt it’s something breakable. You’re about to tear into it, but you notice everyone in the room has turned to stare at you.

“uhhh… why’s everyone. ya know. looking? at me?”

“You took too damn long! Everyone else already finished opening their presents, and you haven’t even started!” Undyne basically yells.

“okay, okay, sheesh.” You mutter, begging to open your present.

You throw the wrapping paper aside, revealing nothing but a box. You struggle with the tape on both sides of it, acutely aware that everyone is watching you, before finally managing to open it.

“oh my god. tori.” You stare at the joke book in front of you.

“UGH I CAN’T BELIEVE SANTA WOULD GET YOU SOMETHING AS HORRIBLE AS THIS!” Papyrus interrupts, trying to hide the smile on his face as he looks at your own.

.75/.75 HP

You skip through the pages and land on a random one. “hey, hey. what do you give a lemon in distress?”

Everyone but Toriel groans. “What do you give a lemon in distress?”

You chuckle slightly before you respond. “lemon _aid_ …”

Toriel bursts into laughter, but Undyne is quick to stop you from reading another joke. “Yeah, very funny. Stop. Open your next present.” She hands you the one supposedly from her and Alphys, “Here.”

This time your tear into the wrapping easily, and immediately come across your gift without having to wrestle with tape.

“oh.” You’re actually pleasantly surprised. “wow this looks really good.”

You hold up the _very_ dramatic and intense box cover for an anime. It looks like it’s pretty good.

Alphys blushes, seeing that you like it. “Maybe, i-if you want, w-we could watch it together. L-like you, me, and Undyne. Only if you w-want though.”

“of course, alph.”

“ANIME PARTY V.2! Yeah! It’s about time we started a series with this nerd!”

You laugh.

.8/.8 HP

“It seems as though you have one more present.” Asgore say, suddenly speaking up as he gives you your gift.

It’s a little hastily wrapped, although you suppose that Asgore does have big paws, so it might be hard to do intricate details. You open it up and find another box, this time not taped thankfully, and you pop the lid off.

Pulling out its contents, you make sure to flash Asgore a smile.

“look at these, _bud_.” You say, showing the variety of packaged flower bulbs in your hands to Frisk.

There’s lilies, roses, dandelions, and many more you can’t name just from the picture on the front. You do notice however that there’s no golden colored flowers. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

.85/.85 HP

“welp, guess that’s that. what are we doin’ now?” You say, organizing your gifts together in a small pile.

“WELL…” Papyrus gives you a mischievous look, “I KNOW SANTA DIDN’T BRING YOU ANYTHING ELSE… BUT I GOT YOU A PRESENT?” He seems unsure of himself, “BUT YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER WE LIGHT THE MENORAH.”

“...okay?” You respond, completely unaware for what’s in store for you.

“Well in that case,” Toriel stands up, “I have to finish making dinner for later. Perhaps we can have an early dinner and light the menorah afterwards? Does that sound good? Then Sans can open his present.”

The rest of the day passes rather quickly, which you find yourself hating because you’re actually feeling pretty happy today. Dinner is great, as per usual with Toriel’s cooking. You’re family is great, just relaxing with one another without a care in the world.And you’re… You’re doing good today. It’s nice.

You walk over to wear the menorah is, with Frisk already standing there, right when you finish dinner and soon everyone follows your example. Apparently, you even managed to convince Toriel and Papyrus to wait until after you open your gift to do the dishes.

‘Here.’ Frisk hands out small slips of paper to each person, as they’ve been doing each night.

On the paper is the phonetic spelling of the Hebrew saying before you light the candles. You honestly had no idea there were other languages, let alone certain rituals that had to be performed with them. But, hey, it’s kind of funny to watch all of you try to pronounce the words correctly at the same time, even though you have sheets in front of you.

Frisk starts everyone off as they begin to light the shamash. Everyone mumbles over their words and tries their best to keep up with Frisk. They only actually said it aloud the first night, so really you don’t have much to go off of.

“ _Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, asher kidishanu b'mitz'votav v'tzivanu, l'had'lik neir shel Hanukkah.”_

Frisk finishes lighting the eighth candle right as everyone finishes speaking. ‘So…’ They give a small smile, ‘Is it time for Sans’ present?’

“lemme guess kid, you know what it is?”

‘Maybe…’ They sign, laughing.

“OKAY! EVERYONE OUTSIDE!”

“Outside?”

“YES SANS, OUTSIDE. I KNOW IT’S A FAR DISTANCE FOR YOU TO WALK.”

“okay, okay.” You respond, beginning to head out the front door.

Everyone stares at you as you walk and Papyrus stops you before you even turn the handle. “UM SANS. THE BACK DOOR.”

Yup. That would make sense.

You swivel 180 degrees and begin your march towards the back door, with everyone following suite behind you. You open the door to the back yard, and a slight chill blows over you. You walk out past the deck and into the grass, spotting your gift.

It’s not wrapped, not even decorated in the slightest, and you couldn’t be more happy for that fact as you get to see it right away. Your mouth twists into the biggest smile you’ve had in a long, long time, and you almost run towards it.

You ignore everyone staring at you for the moment, and just stare at the beauty in front of you instead.

It’s a telescope. Not just any crappy old junkie telescope like you had underground. Not just any telescope that you would even casually see on the surface. No, this is like professional stuff. It’s basically twice your height and the optical tube is so big you doubt you could even wrap your arms around it. It’s like the most top tier thing you could get. This… this most of cost so much money, and yet. And yet Papyrus still got it for you. Because he thinks you’re worth it.

1/1 HP

You turn around suddenly, and run up to Papyrus, who was standing just a few feet behind you. “thank you…” You murmur, pulling him into a tight hug, “thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.”

Papyrus gratefully returns you hug, going so far as to lift you up in his embrace. “YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME BROTHER! I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT!” He puts you down, allowing you to breathe for a moment.

He comes close to you, and says quietly, “Merry Gyftmas Sans.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone else is just standing taking pictures of sans and papyrus being cute while they don't even realize
> 
>  
> 
> also??? i just realized??? the word 'phonetic' is like the most ironic word ever.


	51. Laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so so so sorry! i know it’s been so long since i posted another chapter, and i didn’t even give any of you a heads up! life decided to kick my butt recently, to put it nicely. i know, not an excuse, but i’ve been really busy because i’ve had a work for school recently
> 
> so, i’m going to try and get back on my update schedule of one chapter per week, because i think things will calm down a bit for me
> 
> so as always, thank you for being patient and understanding, and thank you so much for the kudos and comments! i love you all! <3
> 
> (also sorry if the chapter sucks and is short it’s really early in the morning and i just wrote the majority of it now)

Welp. You pace around your room. 1 HP. 1 HP! How do you go about telling Papyrus that you gained all of your HP back?

Again though, you remind yourself, you started with this much. This isn’t really ‘gaining’ anything. It’s literally zero progress. You’ve gained back what you lost. If you had been placing a bet, you had won back what you put in, giving you no actual victory.

You’re conflicted. It’s, of course, a good thing, yes? More HP represents more hope, and that’s good, right? You should be happy, right? Then why do you feel… nothing. Like it’s not a big deal. Like it’s not even worth sharing because, oh boy, look at you! You got back to your _original_ HP, which itself is only one. _One_. If Papyrus gained one HP today, it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning because how insignificant it is. At that one insignificant number basically represents your whole self. That’s… sad.

On the other side though, you do feel a bit better. A barely noticeable thing, which you only noticed because you were looking for it. Like, instead of getting three hours of sleep last night, you got six. And instead of sitting in your bed for an hour or two before getting up, you decided to get right out of bed, now currently standing in the middle of your room.

And… you stand there, thinking. If someone came into the room right now they’d be wondering why you’re spaced out and staring at the wall because, wow, that’s weird. But then again, the probably wouldn’t be surprised because of all the weird stuff you do. Like breaking down in front of everyone, and talking about the RESETS, and trying to _kill yourself while everyone was there-_

Okay. Stop. Take a breath. Today should be good! Again though, you’re left questioning why you feel the way you do. It’s literally impossible for you to feel worse than you had just days before, there’s literal proof! Your HP has increased, your HoPe increased! That’s literally all the proof you need and you just. Don’t. Get. Why. Why do you feel like everything is worse than it has been?

It’s been a week. A solid week and three days since your HP went back to it’s astounding one. And almost everyday you try to convince yourself to tell Papyrus, but you can’t find it in yourself because it’s clearly not that important, I mean, just look at yourself right now! Standing in the middle of your room, zoning out, wondering how in the world your HP every went back up. Because for god's sake, it sure doesn’t feel like it! It doesn’t feel like anything’s gotten better for you over the past week! Only worse!

...

_You’ve given up on your HP increasing. The only difference that ever shows in the numbers is the almost constant decrease. Your not sure how low it can go before you actually die. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? The first monster to die because his HP went too low, and his own body couldn’t even handle him anymore. To be the first one to fall down from something other than an injury. You’re not even sure if when you reach that point it’ll be considered ‘falling down’. Maybe they’ll have to come up with a new word for ‘dying because of a literal lack of hope’. Probably not though, because no one other than yourself is pathetic enough to die from that._

_It’s been a while though, since you last checked your HP. It was at…four? Three and a half? Maybe. That sounds about right. It went straight down to five since that incident, and ever since the RESETS started…_

_Well. Let’s just say that number hasn’t been going up._

_You don’t even know why you're bothering to check. You’ll just be more upset once you see an even smaller number. What’s it going to be this time, huh? Three? Two? Your bets on a compromise between the two, two and a half. Not like it really matters though, nothing does._

_You check yourself._

_HP: 1/1_

_Oh._

_You laugh. You’re glad Papyrus isn’t home right now, because he’s probably come barging into your room to ask why you laughed so loudly, so suddenly. You laugh, and keep laughing. It's SO funny, you can't stop. Tears run down your face._

_Well, you knew the RESETS took a toll, huh? You just never expected it to be this much. You keep laughing to yourself. Wow. One HP. You’ve set a world record! Ding ding ding! The points go to Sans for being the most pathetic, disgusting, disappointing monster alive! You double over, laughing to hard to keep yourself upright._

_What? You didn’t do that?_

_It’s not funny._

_You manage to catch a glimpse of yourself in the small, cracked mirror in your room. You say something like “You look horrible. Why are you even alive?”_

_What? You didn’t say that?_

_It’s true._

_Why ARE you even alive?_

…

It’s a fickle thing, your opinion of that memory. Looking back, and remembering it, how you haven’t really changed much since back then. But, you suppose, you’ve also changed a lot.

That, of course, was in the ‘beginning’ of the RESETS, beginning meaning just over a hundred. Things have changed since then. In bad ways mostly; you’ve had to endure many more RESETS, each brining with it a new sadistic torture. Now, on the surface, you have that as a constant threat, looming, seemingly ready to strike at any moment. But as it’s been so long since the loop has started once more, you’ve also had more time to think about the wrongdoings in your past. With _him_. With Gaster. How you caused his demise. His painful, eternal demise that’s a never ending hell.

But, as Papyrus would try to do, you figure, you could look in the positive side. You’ve changed in good ways too, sort of. You’ve… You struggle for a moment to think of something good. You’ve gotten better at expressing yourself? There! Papyrus would be proud at your self compliment, you’re pretty sure.

So eventually, as you stand there in the middle of the room, looking like a total weirdo, which you suppose you are, you make a decision. You’re not going to tell Papyrus about your HP. Yet. It’s not that your trying to withhold information from him, that’s really not your intention. You just… want to feel happy for yourself too. Because you know Papyrus will be happy for you, and… and you just want to be able to relish in your success. Maybe that’s selfish…? But you suppose you’ll know when the time comes.

Just have to find out when that time is.

 


	52. Can’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what’s this??? a chapter??? on time??? wooooow
> 
> anyways yeah. nothing much to say lol
> 
> except i wrote a poem (idk i’m not really good at poems lol) so if you want to check it out here’s the link - http://archiveofourown.org/works/13421415

You’re… home alone. Asgore and Frisk had to go to a meeting, which, although sparse, still have to happen at some point or another. Toriel actually decided to go with them, of course having no problem, as she had been the queen. You’re almost surprised she went, considering her distaste for Asgore, though you have a feeling that Frisk did some finagling on their part for that result. You’re kind of happy for them though. They’re obviously not going to get back together any time soon, or even at all, but it’s nice that they’re becoming friendly again. It ceases a whole lot of previous tension in the house, but besides that, they both deserve it. They’ve both have been through so much, and deserve to not have to put energy towards holding a grudge over what the other did. Not like Asgore ever held much of a grudge, he’s too much of a softie. But you could tell he held some resentment to Toriel, and it’s better for them both that they forgive each other. Forgive, but not forget.

Undyne and Alphys also had plans today, a nice day out on the beach. Well, really not a “nice day”, considering it’s still winter and just barely above freezing. But, you figure, Undyne has always been one of those hardcore types, and Alphys will go along just to be with her. Plus, as Undyne put it, “The beaches will be empty because no one else except the extremists will be there!” You have a feeling Alphys isn’t going to go swimming. She’ll probably just watch Undyne, the dork she is. And also, Undyne called up the canine unit from Snowdin, which you know they won’t mind the cold, and Alphys will have someone to talk to if she gets bored of watching Undyne or wants to socialize. Which you doubt either will happen.

And Papyrus went out for a job interview at some restaurant place. You, of course, had to look it up before he went there to apply. It was a small breakfast restaurant, quiet, quaint. You’re surprised Papyrus even wanted to interview there, seeing as it’s the perfect representation of the opposite of his personality. You figure though, that’s probably why it appealed so much to him. He probably feels like he could “liven it up” or something like that. Which would be super cool of him to do. You really hope he gets the job, seeing as it’s his dream to work in restaurant. Well, not his actual dream of being a world renowned pasta chef, but, hey, you gotta start somewhere. And his spaghetti, though you would never admit to him, still tastes… interesting.

You want him to get the job, you really do. But… There’s a selfish part of you that doesn’t want him to get it. Because then you’ll not see him as often as you do now. And maybe you’ll reach a point where you absolutely need him to be with you, but he’ll be at work. It’s a selfish thought, and it fills your mind for a moment before you push it to the back of your head. Which, would have worked, had you not had that space in your mind occupied by something else caused by that original thought: guilt. You feel guilty for even having such a thought. How could you? Papyrus has already done so much more than he has needed to, and yet you still crave more? You would have him sacrifice his dream for your own egotistical needs, because you lust for attention? Because you need someone to tend to every single negative thought you have, because you’re too pitiful to do it yourself?

You sit up on the couch you were previously laying upon, deciding to try and distract yourself by maybe getting a small snack and watching tv. Your appetite hasn’t improved much really, but you’ve been conscious of making sure you eat at least something everyday. Usually, at least one whole meal, usually for dinner, and something small for breakfast and lunch. Since there’s nobody home to make lunch for you, you take the task on yourself, deciding on the strenuous activity of preparing yourself a bag of chisps.

Entering the kitchen, the first thing you notice is the gleam of the light coming in from the window reflecting against a kitchen knife on the counter. Your initial instinct is to put it away, as what else are you supposed to do, but you pause. Your mind goes blank for what you can assume is a solid minute.

A strange thought comes to your mind. Weren’t you on suicide watch? Why have you been left alone? Now, thinking about it, this is the first time you’ve been left in the house by yourself since… well… that. Had everyone decided that you’re finally better enough to be trusted to your own actions? Had they simply forgotten or didn’t realise that everyone but you had plans? Or, the hideous thought comes to your mind, maybe they don’t care. Maybe they don’t even care anymore if you kill yourself. Why would they, they’re all aware of the RESETS now, right? So maybe they figure if you kill yourself now, it’ll RESET anyways, and maybe their future (or past?) selves won’t have to deal with you.

Of course, that’s ridiculous, you tell yourself, pushing the thought away. Or, you try, as it still lingers at the back of your mind. You look again at the knife. You should put it away. You should. You should.

But… No one's here. No one would know if you… No. There’s no reason. You’re better! You are better and there’s absolutely no reason to do that.  
Something in your mind compels you however, to move towards the knife, not with the purpose of putting it away. You pick it up, gripping it tightly in your hands, fists shaking because of your hold. You roll up your sweatshirt sleeve on one arm, and switch the knife into your other hand.

You look at the old scars littering your wrist. They look so.. faded now. Of course, some there are still deep and very obvious, looking like they won’t ever go away. But the rest are small. Insignificant. You almost internally challenge yourself to make bigger ones, deeper ones, more permanent ones.  
It’s funny, because there’s no reason for this. There’s literally no reason to do this, that you think you want to do it merely out of habit. There’s nothing wrong with your life, in fact, it’s only gotten better! So why…? Why do you have the great urge to jab the knife into your bone, digging out your wrists like caves. Why do you want to stab yourself a million times over, brining you to the edge of death, but not quite there, because you do not deserve death’s release.

You’re insane. That’s your conclusion. You’ve finally gone insane after all this time. Or maybe you’ve actually been this way for a long while, but only now have realized. Haha. You’re insane!  
Your push the whole edge of the knife against your bone, not even deep enough to leave a mark, but only as a preparation. It’s like an itch that you didn’t realize that you had, but know that you're focused on it, it’s become so much more prominent. But the solution in right there. Right in your hands. You take a deep breath, preparing to press down.  
And, yet, somehow you can’t. You can’t force yourself to. Maybe that makes you weak. You are weak. You can’t even handle a little pain anymore, can you? Mind you, pain that you so rightfully deserve anyways. You had done much, much worse to yourself over much more petty things. So why now…? Why can’t you? Why can’t you do it?

Your hands still shake, and you pull the knife away from your body, still clutching it tightly in the air. You want to, you want to so bad. But, you can’t. Because somewhere, something in your subconscious is telling you you can’t. Because you’re stronger now, you’ve been through so much more.

You now have a reason to exist. A purpose.

And it doesn’t feel like it. In fact, you feel the worst you have in weeks. But that small, small fact in your mind still prevents you from doing what you want so desperately. You don’t want that thought to be there. You’d rather have to not care and just do it because you obviously deserve it. You can’t though, and you wish you could.

You put the knife away in the drawer, not trusting yourself to be able to stop again if you see it a second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, as an actual note, i’m trying to plan an ending for this story now. don’t worry! it’s not going to be over anytime soon! i can 100% guarantee that this story will not end until i reach 100000 words.
> 
> however, just wanted to give everyone a heads up, because i didn’t want to suddenly end it without anyone expecting it


	53. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow just wrote this and it’s pretty late and i’m tired??? so idk if this makes any sense at all or if it’s just words srambled together with grammatical errors here and there
> 
> idk what else to say haha 
> 
> thanks for comments and kudos! i don’t know why you like my garbage writing but i’m glad you do!

“HEY SANS, CAN I CHECK YOU?” Papyrus asks, out of the blue.

You’re both sitting in your room, about to go  
to sleep. You draw your attention from the calendar on the wall you had been looking at, and turn to face Papyrus for your response. “uh… sure? i guess?” You try and read his face, “...any reason why?”

“I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS I’M JUST… WONDERING HOW YOU'RE DOING?” He fights nervously with the hem of his pajama shirt, “YOU JUST… NEVER REALLY TELL ME ANYTHING?” 

It seems as though he’s wording what he says carefully, as to not offend you. He looks almost hesitant, and you give him a small nod to assure him he’s in the right here. He’s allowed to ask how you’re feeling. That shouldn’t even be something he’s nervous about.

“WELL, YOU DO, BUT I GUESS IT STILL DOESN’T FEEL LIKE YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING.” He quickly adds, “NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO! BUT…” He trails off, although you have a feeling he doesn’t have anything else to say.

You feel guilty. A feeling that your mind is constantly immersed in, and you know you’ve felt this exact guilt so many times before. Your inability to tell Papyrus anything. The fact that he has to think about what he says as to not upset you. His hesitance in even talking about things he obviously wants to know, because of your selfish desire to not do that exact thing.

Sucking up your guilt though, at least for the moment as you usually do with all other feelings, you respond. “yeah, you can check me.”

Those simple, simple words you mutter contain a great display of meaning, at least for you. It’s… the first time that you can think of that someone asked to check you for the sake of checking you, and you agreed. You’re not injured. You’re not showing off gained HP, although it has grown, but that’s not the purpose. It’s just your brother, asking to check you, and you agreeing because you have nothing to hide. 

Sans  
1 ATK  
1 DEF  
1/1 HP  
The weakest enemy, yet stronger than ever.

“Sans…” His voice is quiet, “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

It’s honestly the complete opposite of what you’re expecting. You expected Papyrus to react like every other time you’ve told him about your HP increasing since it originally fell. But… he just seems hurt.

It’s just strange to see him unhappy about it. Of course, you’re not saying you deserve his happiness about you HP, because you’re the last person who actually should get that reaction. It’s just… so, dare you say, uncharacteristic of him.

It seems as though you’ve messed up in some way again. Yay! Woah, big surprise there! You can’t do anything right!

Papyrus speaks again, as you only offered him silence. “N-Not that i’m not super happy about it!” He says, probably noticing at least some part of your inner struggle, “But…”

“sorry.” It’s the only thing you can say.

“Sans, please, i’m not asking you to be sorry. I really just want to know why you didn’t tell me! You seemed so excited about it before, and now your HoPe has increased so much! Why do you insist on hiding these things for me? I want to know how you’re feeling, it’s no burden on me.” Your smile feels very forced, and no doubt Papyrus notices that as he adds, “I’m so proud of you for getting your HoPe so high! It’s such a great accomplishment! And it being such a great thing, I have no idea why you didn’t tell me.”

You stare at him. “s’not that important.” You say, not even loud enough to be heard.

“What?”

“s’not that important. it’s always been this high before i messed up. it’s still one.” Your next words are coated with a bitter sarcasm directed at yourself, “last time i checked, one wasn’t a very high number.

“NONSENSE!” Papyrus says, returning to his normal tone, probably because he notices you’re thinking negatively. “ONE IS HIGHER THAN HALF OF ONE! YOU JUST-”

“paps, stop.”

“SANS…”

“please, stop.” You beg, “it’s not that high. you know it, i know it. you don’t have to pretend like it is.” You sigh, “i’m sorry for not telling you, just, it’s not that important.”

“OF COURSE IT IS SANS! I MYSELF APOLOGIZE FOR BEING UPSET AT YOU EARLIER.”

“Papyrus. you don’t have to apologize. please don’t.” It makes you feel a thousand times guiltier because he obviously had a right to be upset, while you don’t, “i’m sorry for not telling you. as i said, doesn’t seem that important.” You know, considering that it’s literally still an impossibly low amount of HP, “so, yeah sorry.”

“SANS, I FEEL LIKE I’VE TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE, BUT YOU SAY SORRY A LOT.” Papyrus says with a bit of humor, “I WON’T SAY I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL, BECAUSE I DON’T, BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT YOU HAVE JUST TAKEN A GIANT STEP FORWARD! ONE HP! THAT’S-”

You feel bad for interrupting Papyrus yet another time, but he doesn’t seem to understand. “paps. it’s one HP. one HoPe. it’s not a big number. please stop pretending it’s a big deal. cause you and i know it’s not.”

“SANS, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY IT IS! IT’S SUCH A GREAT STEP-”

“for me.” You finish for him. “it’s a great step for me. because my HP going back up to one is some sort of ‘big accomplishment’.” You give a humorless chuckle. “it’s not. it really isn’t.”

And as much as you feel bad for arguing with Papyrus, you hope he sees your point. Because even though you might be shattering his blind optimism about you, it’s the cold, hard truth. And he deserves to know that, in fact, one HP isn’t a big deal. It isn’t some giant step forward. It’s literally back to square one, after you’ve finally recovered from taking steps back. You’ve fixed your mistakes, but now your back at where you were before. So really, you’ve done absolutely nothing. 

However, when Papyrus starts talking again, with his optimism that’s so unrealistic but yet another thing you love about him, you know he will never see your point. He will never get why you think one HP is low. Actually, no he will get it. He’s not dumb, he’ll understand why you think the way you do. But he’ll never come to believe in it. Which is what you love and hate about this conversation. No matter what, Papyrus always thinks that you’re somehow getting better.

“SANS…”

And in a moment of anger, not at Papyrus, but at yourself, you say, “i’m going to bed.” Before laying down and facing the wall.

It’s a stupid, petty, and a horribly thought out move, almost guaranteed to hurt Papyrus’ feelings. And that thought alone makes you feel ten times worse than you already do.

You hear Papyrus make a noise like he’s about to speak, but eventually decides it’s useless to try and talk to some worthless garbage like yourself. Or at least, you figure, that’s what he’s thinking. Although it’s probably not because your brothers so cool and never has a negative thought about anyone. So instead, you wish it was what he was thinking, in order to justify your horrible actions towards him.

But, ultimately, you know that you’re the one in the wrong. Papyrus was just wondering why you didn’t tell him about something that is important, whether you think so or not. And you completely disregarded him, only now regretting your actions. But now is too late, because you’ve already said what you’ve said, and hurt Papyrus.

Your previous words of ‘i’m going to bed’ echo in your head ironically, as you know you won’t be getting any sleep tonight.


	54. Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i’m just gonna put it out there, long story short, this is a vent chapter. and probably not in the way you’d expect haha. if you want, i’m going just to explain, but if you want to skip this part in the notes just got to the next *
> 
> i’m part of the drama club at my school, and we recently started working on our musical for this year. and when i say recently, i mean we had auditions last week. so, i had to go to the doctor, and i’m not able to attend rehersal yesterday night. however, there was an email sent out saying that all rehersal was canceled. nothing to be concerned about, our drama instructor always does things very short notice.
> 
> i later get an email saying that everyone in the play is going to meet at the beggining of school today. i figure it’s to talk about something with the musical, and it’s going to be a ten minutes tops thing. 
> 
> so, this morning, i go to where we’re all meeting, sit there for a little bit talking with a friend as i got their a bit early, and wait until everyone else gets there. keep in mind, nobody was told what was happening, so i had no idea what we were doing.
> 
> anyways, the drama teacher comes in, and he starts to tell us that our choreographer for the show just died suddenly, completely out of the blue, last night. like, they don’t even know how she died yet. so everyone in the room is shocked, and like, it’s really weird??? because i was never really close with her, but like she did my choreography in the musical last year, and i remember working with her and everything. and like, i JUST saw her at auditions last week, so it’s so weird to think that this person is gone, and this person will never be in my life anymore, and like idk it was really upsetting to me. and i ended up (along with everyone else) staying in the room and crying and telling stories for all of first period, and like it’s also really weird because she’s not like a teacher in the school? so no one really knows her except for the drama kids, and like i go through the rest of the school day with everyone around me oblivious that someone just died and that they’re never going to be here ever again.
> 
> sorry, i know i’m being like over dramatic because i’ve honestly never really gotten to know this person really, and i wish i could’ve now. i actually (just before this ironically) found a phrase that i think describes the situation. it’s from the dictionary of obscured sorrows
> 
> DEAD RECKONING:  
> n. to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.
> 
> *so anyways, sorry for like rambling about that haha, but if you read that whole thing, thank you <3 today’s just been shitty lol and i wasn’t even sure if i was going to write this chapter.
> 
> you can really see the heavy influence that it had on this chapter though, so know that this isn’t some completely random thing, and it’s just kind of like describing my day???
> 
> anyways, to bring these long notes to an end, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! thank you so much! <3
> 
> (at this point the note seem longer than the chapter haha)

You muster up the courage to say your next words. “Papyrus. m’sorry.”

“...SANS?” Papyrus says groggily, having just woken up. “WHAT TIME IS IT, DID I SLEEP IN?!” He almost physically jumps out of bed. 

You’re taken aback and amazed by his ability to get out of bed so quickly, even after just waking up. “nah, it’s like five…” You look at the alarm clock, “twenty three.” Papyrus gives you a look, and you continue. “you, uh, just got up by yourself. before your alarm. and i…” You shove your hands into your pockets and bury your face into the neck of your sweatshirt. “wanted to say i was sorry?” You quickly say, voice muffled by the fabric covering your mouth.

“WHAT?”

“i…” You speak a little more slowly, but still say it as a question, “i wanted to say i was sorry? for last night. it was stupid. sorry.” You stare stare at the carpeted floor.

“OH, SANS, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!” Papyrus replies with a smile on his face, waking over to where you standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. “OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU! IF ANYTHING,” He adds sheepishly, “I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING SORRY… I OBVIOUSLY FAILED TO TAKE ACCOUNT YOUR POINT OF VIEW.”

You stare at the floor a little more. 

“WELL, SINCE YOU’RE UP, AND I STILL HAVE TIME BEFORE I HAVE TO MAKE BREAKFAST… DO YOU WANT TO TALK?”

You don’t even have time to respond before Papyrus questions you again, “WAIT. WHY ARE YOU UP? DID YOU HAVE A NIGHTMARE?”

“uh… haha… i just umm…” You shift your gaze to the wall, looking at the calendar. “i couldn’t even sleep.” You day as casually as possible, trying to brush it off with a forced chuckle.

“OH...WELL…” He trails off, not knowing quite how to respond to your statement. 

“SO, DO YOU WANT TO TALK?” He eventually decides, and you respond with a small nod of your head, because, hey, what else are you going to do? It’s not like you’re going to be able to sleep.

So, you talk. Papyrus comes over to sit on your bed, only grimacing slightly at the half-on half-off sheets, and you sit next to him. He starts off by telling you about his interview at the restaurant, and all the nice people he met there. You don’t really respond by taking at first, more nodding and humming in agreement, but as time passes you eventually join in. You chose to stick to lighter subjects that may seem bittersweet, although you try and not focus on that aspect. You tell about all the fun you and Papyrus had when you were really little, so little Papyrus can’t even remember (if he could remember). The fact that this is before your father… became… well, it goes without saying, and for that you’re grateful.

However, the discussion leads you into being back underground, and you somehow find yourself wanting to tell Papyrus something about the RESETS with the flower.

“okay, so this might seem really random? but i just… kinda want to tell you?” 

Honestly, you have no idea what possesses you to start speaking about this. It’s not even related to your current discussion, but more so you just want to know Papyrus’ opinion.

“ya know how Flowey did RESETS before the kid?” You ask, and Papyrus responds with a slow nod of his head, probably still not completely understanding the RESETS (which no one who can’t remember will), or maybe he’s even upset at finding out all the things his “friend” Flowey did.

“well, there was the one run… where he literally spared everyone. everyone except this one snowdrake. and like, at first i was happy, right, because like he had done so many ruthless, sadistic killing sprees before this one. maybe that makes me a bad person, i dunno.” You pause, “but like, he didn’t RESET for a while. and, since that one snowdrake, i think his name was ‘snowy’ or something stupid like that, was the only one that Flowey killed before disappearing, his death was emphasized.”

You chance a look up at Papyrus, seeing how he’s taking your story. It’s probably a bit weird for you to be talking about death so casually, but again, it’s a death that technically never happened. Papyrus keeps his face pretty blank though, and you don’t strain yourself to read his emotions right now, at least until you finish.

“so… uh… like, he was a kid. like a young adult kid. and i maybe ever spoke to him, once or twice?” You sigh, “but like, everyday after he had died, it felt like there was something… missing, ya know? like i don’t even talk to this kid, but now if i wanted to, i couldn’t. because… he was gone. and seeing his family just made it even worse.” You shiver slightly, and Papyrus moves closer, outing his arm around you. “it’s just… weird. you don’t think that one person dying, someone that you didn’t even know well, would make you so upset. like, even when i had seen literally everyone die, that one thing, that’s what messed me up.” You give a dry laugh, and bring your hand up to your eyes, surprised to find you’re crying. 

“ah, jeez, sorry. i didn’t- i didn’t mean to get all emotional. s’over anyways. the kid’s alive. i made sure to talk to more after that run.”

It’s silent for a moment, but only for a moment, as Papyrus speaks, “...I’M SORRY.”

“for what? you obviously didn’t do anything.” You reply, confused on why Papyrus keeps on apologizing for things he doesn’t need to.

“EVERYTIME I LEARN SOMETHING ELSE YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH, I-“ His voice breaks, and you start to feel bad. This was supposed to be a happy talk, wasn’t it? “I CAN’T EVEN FATHOM HOW STRONG YOU ARE TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW.”

He squeezes you tightly in his arms for a moment, before turning his whole body to look at you. “SANS, YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT? YOU DESERVE IT MORE THAN ANYONE.”

“...i mean… i wouldn’t say that…”

“NO, YOU DO! I WISH… I WISH YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF AS I SEE YOU.” He pauses, then looks like he has an idea. “HOW DO YOU SEE ME?” He asks simply, not intending to be narcissistic or anything of the sort. Just a question.

“well,” You start to answer confidently, “you’re extremely cool, great, and i don’t even know how lucky enough i am l have someone like you as my brother.” 

“NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I SAID I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU?”

Your confidence fades, “...i would say you’re lying.”

“BUT I DO THINK YOU ARE MY VERY COOL AND GREAT BROTHER! AND I’M NOT A LIAR, RIGHT?”

Both you and Papyrus know that this isn’t going to cure your idea of yourself, but you play along. “yeah, i suppose you’re right.”

And maybe, you feel a tiny, tiny bit better. Just a bit.


	55. Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man sorry its been so long! i’ve been busy, and even now idk if this chapters good or not because i wrote it right now while i’m like exhausted haha
> 
> anyways though, hope you enjoy this chapter that may or may not be bad? thanks!
> 
> (also holy crap! i can’t believe how much kudos this thing has now!!!)

You don’t know how this happened. Why? How Why would you-

The knife trembles in your shaking hand.

You had gotten back to one HP, right? One HoPe. So…? 

Your wrist stings and you regret everything you’ve ever done.

It’s so… well stupid is the only word to describe it. It’s so dumb. You’re so dumb. You laugh. Dust coats your hands. You laugh so hard you’re probably waking the house up. No, no, you should stop laughing everyone’s asleep. They don’t need to listen to your manic laughing.

But for some reason, you can’t stop laughing. And to be honest, you wouldn’t even call it laughing anymore. You curl in on yourself lying against the cold tile of the kitchen. Your howls of laughter turn into howling sobs and you find yourself crying, literally bawling, before you know it. God, how could you have been so stupid?!

You’re an idiot. A goddamned idiot. There was no reason to, and yet you...

You laugh and you cry and you don’t know what’s what anymore as you lay sobbing on the floor. It’s pathetic. It’s gross. It’s certainly very, very idiotic. You had to do this, didn’t you? Disgusting.

“Sans…?” 

It’s a cliche. That voice coming to talk to you after you’ve done something stupid. Again. How many times has this happened? You being dumb and someone coming to comfort you. It’s so… You don’t even know how to describe it, but it hurts so much you cry even harder.

“Sans!”

Why? Can’t they leave you alone? Don’t they see you’re not worth the effort?

“...Please…”

It’s a soft and broken and plea of a voice, raspy and tired and… Frisk. It’s Frisk.

You look up at them, still crying but less so, so you can actually see them standing there. It’s weird from your spot on the floor, but they tower over you, casting a shadow over your figure. It’s kind of terrifying, to put it bluntly. But their hands are open and reached out in front of them, like they’re offering you a hand up. There’s no weapons in their hand. They’re not here to hurt you. Obviously. 

(Though you wouldn’t mind that right about now)

Frisk notices that you’ve seen them, and lays on the floor gently next to you. You feel slightly more comfortable, not having the shadow of a child loom over you, but now they’re sitting next to you. And… you’re a mess. A complete and utter mess. And they have to comfort you. That thought alone sends you into another burst of emotion.

They lean into you, wrapping their arms around you in an attempt at a hug. You try and stop crying. You can’t. You only cry harder and longer and you’re so disgusting why did they have to see you like this, you didn’t want that, this isn’t their problem stop-

Frisk buries their head into the crook of your neck, which of course can’t be comfortable, being made of bones and all. It surprises you enough to stop crying, if only for a moment, and you see and feel them let out a deep shuddering breath before they grab onto your shirt and hold you tight. 

“This is all my fault.” They say, words muffled from their head being buried in your clothes, “It’s all my… all my fault! i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m-” They continue on, murmuring apologies you can barely make out. 

You find it funny -well that twisted kind of “funny” that really isn’t- that this is probably the most you’ve ever heard them speak before, and it’s under these… circumstances.

They start crying. You can tell just by looking at them, even though you can’t see their face. Their back rises and falls with jerky movements in response to their breathing, and their knuckles are white from how tight they’re gripping on your shirt. Not only that, but you can feel the wetness of their tears falling on you and seeping through your shirt.

Frisk is crying. Frisk is crying and it’s all your fault. You had to go and do something stupid again huh? And now the kid saw you and they think it’s their fault even though it’s not their fault you’re... well. The way you are.

You never truly stopped crying, but you had had a lapse in the severity of it. Now though, now the tears return with a force even greater than that of before. 

They're crying, you’re crying, it’s all a disgusting mess of you both crying because you slipped up. The dusty knife lies beside both of you, glare from the moonlight reflecting off it, and your wrist hurts. Thinking about those things only makes you cry harder, if that’s even possible. 

You don’t know when Frisk stopped crying. You’re not even sure they did. But before you know it, they’re whispering words of encouragement, words saying it’s going to be okay, none of this was your fault, it’s all mine, mine. 

It shouldn’t be like this. The older comforts the child. The child shouldn’t be comforting the adult with mental problems. Especially when said child was crying just as hard as the adult moments ago. It’s wrong.

And… you hate yourself for eventually giving in and listening to their words. Of course, not the ones where they blame themselves, but the ones saying it’s going to be alright. It was only a mistake. It happens. And you don’t want yourself to believe those things because you know they’re not true. 

You’re tired now though. Exhausted. Physically and mentally drained. It’s harder for you to gather the energy to cry anymore rather than just sit there and listen to Frisk’s words. So you just listen. You look down at them, pressed against your chest, their eyes red and puffy from crying. And they look up to you, before they pull you into an actual hug, one that you return this time. 

You close your eyes as you push yourself against them. They’re warm. And they smell like that butterscotch cinnamon pie Tori always makes. Your head droops and lays on Frisk’s shoulder. They don’t seem to mind.

You hear them whisper “I love you Sans, you’re so strong…” before you drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that “i love you” was totally platonic btw  
> please don’t take it any other way  
> (i know most of you wouldn’t but just to be certain)


	56. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry!!! i really didn't want to not update last week! i just had really bad writer's block and didn't have enough time!
> 
> anyways though, thankfully i was able to do a chapter this week (despite my busy schedule haha) so i hope i can continue updating once a week. again, sorry for not updating!
> 
> on a side note, the beginning dialogue for this chapter (between gaster and sans) is taken and modified from a conversation i had over text with someone. because they are my friend and like i was really upset when i said something as a joke and they took it seriously and yelled at me? so like i needed a way to vent so sorry if it seems stupid lol.
> 
> ANYWAYS, enough of me talking about me! thank you all so much for the kudos and comments! You guys are a big part of what keeps me wanting to write this!

_ How easy. How easy would it be to do it? To let go, to let yourself tilt just a bit forward. To shift your weight just slightly enough to send you billowing over the edge. To be engulfed by the bubbling lava below. How easy it would be, to just let go and fall. _

_ You want to. Isn’t that sick? Isn’t that twisted? You want to do it because you can’t handle your life. You can’t handle your own life! You don’t even have it hard. Your father does, as well as Papyrus, as they both have to deal with you. Whatever you had done to warrant your father’s hatred initially- even now, you’re not exactly sure what it is- it must have been something bad. You are your own self after all. It doesn’t help that you keep messing things up, forgetting to clean, breaking things, doing all sorts of stupid things that it’s no wonder why your father hates you. The words of the conversation you had with him just this morning echo in your head. _

_ You had made a snarky remark. Something dumb. Something that wasn’t even funny. You were in a bad mood to begin with, and unfortunately you had taken it out on your father. Obviously that was not the right decision. _

_ As soon as you had realized your father heard you, you began to mutter ‘i’m sorry’ and ‘i didn’t mean it’ over and over. Your father was not having it. Which, you suppose, he shouldn’t have to listen to your pathetic excuses and apologies of your previous words. _

_ “No, Sans, you did mean it.” His tone suddenly became extremely angry, “Fuck you! This is the last time I put up with your crap! I don’t need this in my life! You can decide to be a decent being, or leave.” _

_ His words had rendered you speechless.  _

_ “Goodbye!” He clarified, “Leave. Right now.” _

_ He kicked you out. You deserved it. _

_ “...’m sorry i fuck everything up t-then…” You had almost whispered, “i won’t talk to you again....” _

_ You faced away from him, preparing to leave before he decided to speak again. “You feel kind of bad? Is that right?” His voice was mocking. Cold. _

_ “y-yeah…” _

_ As a sort of last blow to hurt you, he said, “Well maybe you should have thought of that before.”  _

_ You remember at that point you had given up trying to remain composed. “you know what? i’m sorry. i’m sorry that im a fuck up. i’m sorry that i’m rude. i’m sorry that i can’t do anything right. i’m sorry that whatever i say is sarcastic. i’m sorry for having to be a part of your life, okay? you don’t have to speak to me ever again if you don’t want to!” _

_ “You’re trying to make me feel bad now!?” _

_ “No!” You shouted back, “i’m literally just saying sorry!” _

_ You had then stormed out of the house, angry, upset, crying. Not going very far before you landed where you are now. Staring into the depths of the lava below. Wanting to fall in. _

_ The only thing that’s kept you sitting here instead of fifty feet below and dust already is the thought of Papyrus. He knows you got in a fight with dad. He was home, and the walls aren’t thick enough to mask the words of your shouting father. What would he do if you never returned? Your father said not to come back, but the way he said it… It was out of the heat of the moment. He probably expects you to come crawling back to him. Which you figure you will. Which is probably what Papyrus thinks too. _

_ But… What if you listened to your father. What if you never went back home? Never went anywhere anymore? The only downside, and it is a big downside, is Papyrus would have to handle your father by himself. To take the brunt of the anger when you’re not there to take it for him. He doesn’t deserve it, while you do. _

_ Well… Another thought comes to you. WIthout you around… Maybe your father would be nicer? Maybe he wouldn’t be mean, or cruel, because you aren’t there to ruin his day anymore. He would only have Papyrus, who is so, so much better than you. _

_ It’s not a hundred percent guarantee. Nothing ever is. But it’s the better outcome then if you went back to your house alive and well, because Papyrus and your dad would still have to deal with you. This option, the option of moving forward just a bit, opens the wonderful idea of chance. Standing up and returning, well, it’s obvious that with you around your father isn’t going to change his ways. But without you… Everything is so much less predictable. For better or for worse, but most likely for better. _

_ You stare down below you, the light reflecting in oranges and yellows across your skull. You become so immersed in the idea of what awaits you if you allow yourself to slip forward, that you don’t hear the footsteps coming up behind you. _

_ It’s too late when said monster who belongs to those footsteps speaks up, saying “Howdy! Sa-” when you’re utterly startled by their voice and you fall forward. _

_ You feel the edge you were sitting on disappear, and oh no you didn’t want this not right now, you don’t want to fall please no- _

_ Suddenly, you feel a large paw grab you and place your shaking legs back on solid ground. _

_ “Oh my, I am incredibly sorry! I did not mean to frighten you! Golly, you shouldn’t sit so close to the edge! It’s dangerous!” _

_ The irony of the last statement echos in your head as you look at the monster before you, hands still shaking because of what had almost just happened.  _

_ It’s… Asgore?  _

_ He seems to notice you’re still very shaken up, so he doesn’t take your silence as rude.  _

_ “I was just coming up to warn you to get away from the edge. And silly old me almost frightened you off!” He gives a hearty chuckle, but still looks guilty. “I am truly sorry for that though. I’ll have to speak to someone about getting some safety rails around here.” _

_ Now, your dad being the Royal Scientist, you’re not unused to seeing the king quite often, unlike most monsters. But there’s always something in his presence that’s so frightening but also comforting as well. _

_ “i-i’m s-sorry, it’s my f-fault.” You mumble out. _

_ “Nonsense!” The king looks abashed at your words. “It’s my fault if anything. Lucky I caught you!” _

_ Yeah. Lucky. _

_ Asgore seems so notice something as he looks you over. “Oh my, I do believe I have accidently ripped your sweatshirt in that process. It seems I might have grabbed you a bit too tightly! I hope I didn’t hurt you!” _

_ You nod your head no. Again, the king still looks guilty. “Ah, If you wouldn’t mind, I can take your sweatshirt and fix it up for you. I’ll bring it by the next time I meet with your dad. I think I still have that sewing machine from when Tor-” He cuts himself off, continuing with a saddened look in his eyes now. “I mean, I believe I have a sewing machine lying around. I should be able to patch it up in a jiffy!” He adds some enthusiasm to his words, but it’s more forced now. _

_ “o-ok…” You take off your sweatshirt without a second thought. Trying to get rid of the awkwardness, you try and make conversation, albeit still jittery from before, “s-so, uh, what are y-you doing in Hotlands anyway? Y-you usually don’t c-come by unless fath- uh, dad has t-to meet with you. _

_ “Oh you know,” Asgore says, seemingly cheerier because of you talking to him. There’s still is a sadness in his eyes, but you presume that’s almost permanent nowadays. “I was just going to meet with everyone around. Just to see how they’re doing!”  _

_ You hand him your sweatshirt, and he looks like he’s going to say something, but he instead looks at your body. It makes you uncomfortable. “Oh my, I hope I didn’t do that!” _

_ You look down at yourself, wondering what he’s talking about before noticing the large crack lining one of your ribs, alongside other smaller… injuries. _

_ Your father made the crack that you believe Asgore is talking about. About… two days ago? Certainly not enough time to heal. It was over you not coming home on time, about two minutes late as you remember. Of course you’re not telling Asgore that. _

_ “o-oh, no. that wasn’t y-you.” _

_ “What happened? Are you okay?! Do you need me to heal you?!” He reminds you of a protective dad in a way, which you suppose he once was.  _

_ “nah, i’m fine.” You reply as calmly as possible. The king looks like he’s about to retort, but you stop him when you speak again. “hey, it w-was nice seeing you. take as much time as y-you need with the sweatshirt. i have p-plenty more.” You’ll be damned if you don’t try your hardest to avoid the impending conversation. _

_ The king almost looks lost. “Well, uh, thank you! Are you sure you’re okay? I can heal you-” _

_ “don’t worry.” You give a small, hopefully convincing laugh. “anyways, see you around? i’d love to chat, but i really gotta go. d-dad needs some help at t-the lab.” That’s an obvious lie, but you just want to get out of the conversation.  _

_ You’re already walking off when you hear a bemused Asgore mutter a “Um, See you around!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if there's any mistakes i didn't proofread lol this whole chapter could not make sense im tired


	57. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyyyy i really didn’t mean to wait this long to update, especially without warning. school was like “surprise! suddenly you have an avalanche of work due!”
> 
> ALSO! i was requested to write a one shot based on the last chapter, in a scenario where sans was successful. so be on the lookout for that!
> 
> another thing is that i started what’s going to be a short work about chara’s time underground called “bitter buttercups and keen kairosclerosis which you can read here:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/13982286
> 
> it deals with similar stuff to this (although i haven’t gotten very far in it yet) so if you can check it out, it’d be greatly appreciated! it’s a bit different than my usual writing style too
> 
> so ANYWAYS, enough with me talking, you probably came here to read the chapter lol so here!
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, and i can’t thank everyone enough for all the support <3

“S-sans, have you ever t-thought about taking up science again?”

You pauses in thought, fidgeting with the bandage wrapped around your wrist. “...i dunno.”

Papyrus perks up from his spot on the couch beside you, “COME ON SANS, WE BOTH KNOW YOU LIKE IT! EVEN IF I DON’T UNDERSTAND ALL THE NERDY THINGS YOU BOTH TALK ABOUT…”

Alphys gives a small laugh from the chair next on your other side. “Y-yeah! You know so m-much about stuff too! I-i’m not implying you g-get a job for it or s-something like that, though you could if you wanted t-to, but maybe you’d like t-to help m-me work on some stuff from time to t-time?” She looks down at the ground for a moment, “...Even if i’m t-technically n-not the royal scientist anymore…” She perks up, however, “B-but I still h-have stuff set up in me and Undyne’s r-room! I’ve actually b-been working on some pretty c-cool stuff!”

You want this to be a straightforward answer, but you know it can’t be. Yes, of course, you love science. Especially astrology and physics. But… You hate some parts of it. Like the feeling of when a needle pierces your bone with a strange substance and it burns, it burns so much. Or when you have to do hours upon hours of work because you were forced to. And especially when the person who’s asking you to work with them right now is the one that made such a fatal mistake as to cause the abomination that is a psychopathic flower, but it’s not her fault, it’s definitely not her fault. You’re just… hesitant to agree.

But… but you’d feel bad if you didn’t. Plus, whatever you’re going to be working on with Alphys can’t possibly be bad. Alphys wouldn’t ask you to work on something dangerous. And, it could be, well, fun.

As nonchalantly as you can, like you didn’t just have a whole debate about it in your head, you reply, “sounds good.”

“I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO! NOW! GO AND DO SCIENCE STUFF!”

Now…? Alphys seems to have the same train of thought as you do because she asks timidly, “You mean, now? Like r-right now?”

“WHY NOT!? IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE DOING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW ANYWAYS. AND NO SANS, SITTING ON THE COUCH DOES NOT COUNT AS DOING SOMETHING.”

You give a small chuckle at that. “are you sure? i’m pretty sure ‘sitting’ is technically doing something.”

Papyrus gives you a look.

“A-anyways…” Alphys interrupts your banter, most likely knowing that it’s going to go on forever if she doesn’t butt in, “I do actually have something i’m working on, and s-something I have to t-tell you Sans.”

The way she’s says it, sweetly but also serious, it seems like she actually has something she wants to discuss with you. You don’t know what it could be really, but you figure it has something to do with yourself. You play with the bandages around your wrist a little bit more, unwrapping and wrapping them back up, sort of ruining Frisk’s good job of tying them around your wrist in the first place.

“okay.” You reply, trying to force some enthusiasm, at least for the sake of Papyrus being happy you’re doing ‘science stuff’.

“W-well, alright.” Alphys stands up, and you follow her lead. 

“HAVE FUN! AND, UH, MAKE SURE UNDYNE ISN'T WITH YOU GUYS!” Papyrus looks exaggeratedly nervous, “DON’T TELL HER I SAID THIS, BUT… HER HELPING WITH SCIENCE MIGHT BE EXPLOSION INDUCING…”

Alphys just laughs at that, “Okay, P-Papyrus, i’ll make sure s-she isn’t with us!”

Again, you follow behind Alphys as she walks front the living room and upstairs, both of you with small smiles on your faces. You love your brother.

“A-after you.” Alphys says, pushing the door to her room open and holding it for you.

“oh, what a gentlelady.” You say, teasing her.

“Ha, ha.” She rolls her eyes, “Anyways, h-have a seat over by my c-computer. 

She points over to her desk with two swivel chairs by it. It’s very… well cluttered is the only way to describe it, filled with anime figurines and covered in copious amounts of paper.

You sit down in the chair, which softer than expected. Alphys sits down next to you, and starts typing away. 

“so…” You awkwardly start, still having no idea what you’re even doing or planning to do. It’s not like you can do full blown experiments in her bedroom. You really don’t want to do that anyways. 

“H-hold on a sec…” Alphys replies, eyes still on her computer.

It’s silent for a few more seconds and suddenly you hear the sound of a printer starting up. You didn’t even notice it under all the miscellaneous items covering the desk.

Alphys grabs the paper as soon as it comes out, and she hold it in front of her in a way where you can’t see what’s on it.

“Um… well… Oh man, t-this might be h-hard to say.”

You have no idea what’s she’s trying to get across to you, but you comfort her anyways. “c’mon alph, you can tell me whatever.”

She takes a deep breath, and starts speaking. “Okay. I k-know this p-probably isn’t what you were expecting to d-do when you came up h-here, but I just finished r-researching something important a-and Papyrus j-just reminded me of it.” Her tone’s become serious, and again you find yourself wondering what this could be about. 

“Well, i, uh, guess i’ll i-just come out and s-say it?” She gives a laugh, not really appropriate for the situation, but purely out of nerves. “You know h-how your HP, you’re, uh, HoPe, has g-gone down and back up a-again?” You nod yes, “That’s h-how it’s supposed to w-work, right? Y-you can lose HP, b-but with enough help y-you can gain it b-back.”

It’s silent for a moment. Alphys seems to be figuring out how to phrase her next sentence. “Well, i’ve, uh, been doing s-some research and…” She looks over the paper in her hands, though you have no doubt she already knows the information on it, “W-well, you’re a r-rare case.” At that point you can’t help but give a small, self-deprecating chuckle, which Alphys pointedly ignores, “So your HP w-went down to one, w-which was p-previously unheard of for someone w-who is, well, alive. And even if it’s technically n-not been a really long t-time that it’s b-been at that point, to you it has b-been, and t-that’s what matters when it’s a-about your own soul.”

A shuddering breath passes brought Alphys’ teeth, like she’s extremely anxious about what she has to say. 

“So, um, what i’m t-trying to say is… I don’t think your HP can get any higher than one.”

You… don’t react at that statement, at least not visibly. You feel like laughing out loud at the pathetic state your life has become, but you doubt that would be appropriate.

Alphys is quick to explain. “I’ve b-been looking into it, and it, uh, s-seems like you’ve r-reached a point where y-your body couldn’t s-sustain having a higher HP t-than one?” She asks the last part as a question, like she’s not certain. “I’m still t-trying to f-figure it out, a-and I could be totally wrong…” The words, “Like I have been before.” Are muttered under her breath quickly before she continues speaking, “B-but, um… T-this seems like its t-the most likely p-possibility…” She finishes, giving you a sympathetic look.

Again, you don’t respond. You don’t know why. You should be reacting in some way, right? You should be either getting upset or shrugging off like you’d usually do, saying it doesn’t really matter, but you’re not. It’s almost like what she said didn’t register in your mind yet. 

“-ans? Sans?” Alphys says, and you realize you must have zoned out. “Are y-you… okay?” 

“...yeah.” You reply, but even you’re aware that’s not true.

Your hand is pulling at the bandages around your wrist harder, making the wraps irritate the wounds so much it stings.

“So… uh… d-do y-you want to, um, ask m-me anything?” It’s obvious Alphys has no idea how to handle this situation, though it’s just as obvious you don’t either.

“...no.”

“Ah… O-okay…”

It’s silent again, but more tense than last time. Alphys looks like she’s searching for something to say. You hope she doesn’t. You don’t feel like talking right now. In fact, you feel very tired all of a sudden.

“... i think i’m going to go take a nap. we can do some science stuff later, yeah?”

Alphys clearly wasn’t expecting that. “Um! O-okay? Are y-you sure you don’t-”

You cut her off before she can even finish her sentence. “nah, i’m good. see you later.”

You walk out of the room without turning back to loon at Alphys once.

One HP forever, huh? That’s if it doesn’t drop again too. 

You’re not sure how to feel about that. You don’t feel anything about that right now, even though you’re pretty sure you should be. 

There’s two possibilities here: Either Alphys is wrong and you’ll be able to gain HoPe, or the later and more likely, Alphys is right and you’re stuck at one HP or below for the rest of your life.In the first scenario, you’d still probably never be able to gain that HoPe, but at least there would be a chance you assume. In the other, there’s no chance because you’re literally too weak to sustain a more hopeful body. That’s kind of pathetic. 

Your head begins to hurt as you walk into your room and lay on your bed. The calendar looms above where you sit, deeming mocking you with the current thoughts in your head. 

Even if there is a RESET, there’s nothing it can do. As Alphys said, souls aren’t based on time, but instead the person themself. So a RESET wouldn’t do anything except decrease your HP. It’s a weird thought that there are now irreversible consequences.

Again, you’re not sure how you’re feeling right now. There’s no clear emotion, in fact, you barely feel anything. You’re pretty certain you’re overwhelmed to the point where you literally cannot handle feelings, so you’ve shut them all out. Because the thought of never, ever getting better provokes extreme emotion from you.

A funny thought enters your head: if you somehow do get to two HP, would you die because your body couldn’t handle your hopefulness? That would be pretty funny. The only thing about that scenario that doesn't make sense is that the fact you would never reach two HP, even without the limitation. You’re just too weak to do that.

You think back to when you thought five HoPe was low. What you would give, to even be at five HP again, a number that’s so small compared to any other monster. 

It’s hilarious that you ever thought you’d be able to get better and recover lost HoPe, because you now know it will never, ever happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i typed this on my phone late at night so forgive me if there’s any grammatical errors or it doesn’t make sense


	58. Hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s been wayyyy toooo looong i’msosorry  
> anyways have this short chapter, and i promise i’ll try to update on time! really!
> 
> also, i was going to post this like 2 hours ago, but the website WENT DOWN LIKE COME ON JUST MY LUCK
> 
> anyways, all of you continue to be amazing with the kudos and comments so thank you so much <3

You wake up groggily, and as you turn your head to the side, you are surprised to find Papyrus staring at you from his bed. You don’t think you had napped that long, certainly not long enough for it to be nighttime. It had only been noon when you went up to Alphys’ room and she told you… Anyways… What’s Papyrus doing?

“uh… hey?” You ask, voice soft.

“OH! HI!” Papyrus nervously fidgets with his gloves, “DID YOU… HAVE A GOOD NAP?”

“...yeah…?”

Why is Papyrus nervous? What did you do this time? Honestly you’d rather go back to sleep now, but you can’t with Papyrus looking at you like that.

“SO… HOW WAS SCIENCE STUFF?” He asks, again nervous for a reason you can’t quite seem to pinpoint with your tired mind.

“well, we uh, didn’t really do that much ‘science stuff’. i kinda got tired like right after we got up there.” With a small, forced chuckle and a wink you add, “you know me.” 

“WELL… ALPHYS TOLD ME WHAT SHE TOLD YOU. SO… IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHATEVER’S ON YOUR MIND… I’M HERE.”

Oh, so she told Papyrus what an irredeemable case you are. Fun. You really, really want to go back to sleep right about now.

“paps.” You address him with a serious face, “i’m fine. ya don’t need to worry about me.” In a softer voice, so that you hope Papyrus doesn’t hear it, you add “kinda expected it anyways. i’m me.”

“WHAT?”

You sigh. “never mind.”

It’s silent for a moment. A breeze blows in from the window you now realized is cracked, causing you to huddle in on yourself a bit tighter.

“YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU, YOU KNOW.”

“hm?”

“I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET. YOU DON’T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU’RE NOT FOR MY, OR ANYONE’S, SAKE.”

It’s silent once again, as you don’t know how to respond to that.

“...HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”

You think about it for a moment. You should be able to answer this, right? However you can’t, so you give a noncommittal reply. “i don’t know.”

Papyrus is now the one who doesn’t know what to say, but most likely since you didn’t really give him anything to work with. You decide to at least try and elaborate.

“i don’t know. like, i’m upset? but also at the same time i expected it anyways… so… i don’t know.” You laugh at your stupidity. “sorry i can’t answer such a simple question.”

“SANS…” He sighs, looking like he wants to say more, but chooses not to.

“...i’m sorry…”

“STOP.” Papyrus comes over to where you are on your bed, and like he’s done many times before, he pulls you into a hug.

You don’t cry, surprisingly. You don’t think you can. Instead you whisper, “what is wrong with me?”

“NOTHING. NOTHING. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. DON’T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.”

You hold Papyrus tight, the fabric of his shirt ruffled in your grasp. “...can i ask you something?”

“OF COURSE.” Is the immediate reply.

You don’t respond right away. You’re not sure what exactly you want to ask, and how to ask it without seeming self-absorbed.

“...why…” You pause slightly, “why does all this stuff happen to me…?” Your words are muffled by Papyrus’ body around you, but you have no doubt he heard you anyways.

“I… I don’t know.” He finally says after a moment, “I really don’t know.”

You both sit there, like time and time again, hugging. You’re not crying, but just feel very, very tired, and you sink your whole weight onto Papyrus. You hope he doesn’t mind. Actually, you know he doesn’t really mind, but you hope it’s not inconveniencing him. 

Your eyes close and you still both sit there, Papyrus now having adjusted himself so you both could be in a more comfortable position. It’s almost embarrassing, but at this point you can’t seem to mind. You want to fall asleep, and definitely feel like you can, but it’s not right to do that when Papyrus already had to wait for you to wake up. It’s not fair for him.

With your eyes still closed, you say softly, “what should i do?”

“What do you mean?”

Papyrus stills hugs you as you mull over an explanation. “i... i don’t know what to do now… i mean, i’m not getting better…” Your voice grows smaller as you speak, “so why even try?”

“That’s not true.” It’s such a definite and clearly stated answer that it takes you aback. “You are better. You are so, so much better.” You pull out of the hug and open your eyes so you can see Papyrus. He’s looking at you sadly, but not with pity or disappointment, just sadness.

You don’t say anything back. You don’t feel the need to. Papyrus keeps on talking to you in a gentle voice, so unlike his usual. “And if you don’t see that, i’m sorry. But I see it, and you trust me, right? I wouldn’t lie to you?” You nod your head yes as Papyrus stares at you. “So take my word for it. You… you are so brave, and so strong, and have gone through so much without reason. It’s- It’s really an honor to be your b-brother…” He finishes, getting overwhelmed emotionally.

“paps…” You say, switching the roles and trying to comfort him now, “c’mon. you know i’m the one who should be proud. you’re better than what i can even imagine.” 

You both hug again, and you realize you started crying with Papyrus. You’re not sure what the tears are from, sadness, happiness… something. That doesn’t really matter. All that does matter right now is Papyrus.

“Then, THEN!” He says as you again pull out of a hug for the second time, regaining his loud voice, “WE MUST BE THE ULTIMATE DUO! REALLY GREAT AWESOME DUDE VERSUS HIS EQUALLY GREAT AND AWESOME BROTHER.”

You give a weak smile, but genuine. “who’s who though, bro?”

“NYEH! IT REMAINS A MYSTERY!” He replies, and you both hug once more.

**Author's Note:**

> check it out! i got a tumblr page! -- https://permanent-smile.tumblr.com -- if you want you can send asks or if you REALLY want, you can send me some fan art

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [You know.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527204) by [Spiritdrop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiritdrop/pseuds/Spiritdrop)
  * [Alone...?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11791737) by [Neko_HaniChan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko_HaniChan/pseuds/Neko_HaniChan)




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